Hey all,

just thought I would start a thread to talk about what would help this forum/community be "safer" place for people to post or respond? (not sure why I put safer in quotes, sometimes it can be a loaded term.)

I don't know where to really start or anything. Just wanted to very intentionally give some "space" to talk about this. It seems to be something that's good to talk about in any relationship - with T's , with family, with friends, with a forum like this.

Please try to be respectful that there may likely be very differing points of view. Please also know that if someone expresses an opinion you don't agree with - that's ok. We all don't and probably won't agree on everything. But we all are somewhere in a process of working on our stuff, and I bet that just about everyone wants this to be a place where people can feel ok to post and respond.

It's my perspective that we will never be able to 100% avoid hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Those things are just gonna happen. (imho) It's partly the nature of wirtten communication (missing tone and non-verbal communication) and it's just a part of working out relationships and life. Written commmunication gives us a lot of advantages too.

It is my perspective that part of working all that out is to talk about what helps our own selves feel safer to post and respond - if it is stuff people do and we want them to keep doing, or stuff we wish happened more or less often (or not at all).

Maybe we could talk about what safe people do or what they are like or in general terms... or specific on the forum or... ?

I suppose this might all be weird comming from the queen of sloppy posting and sticking my foot in my mouth.

I don't want this to be a threat to dictate how others should always act 100% of the time (and NO ONE HAS DONE THIS that I know of - just trying to say that my heart is that this muight be a threat where people can express what helps them - let others have the freedom to agree or not... and figure out what helps?

ok, now that I am totally mangling up this idea of trying to start this thread to talk about being safe...

Anyone have any thoughts or ideas they would like to share?

even a better way to start out this kind of conversation? (feel free to start a diff thread too )

~jane

p.s. oh yeah, and please feel free to disagree and give honest feeback here of what I have written here in this post! I could probably use it.

p.p.s. I think you all are awesome and I'm glad for this place.

is there such thing as "double-anonymity"??

that would be my wish!!

great topic, ms. doe, jill

Good idea, JD...I will start, because I've been feeling really freaked out about posting lately.

I think the problem here is that we are on a forum dediicated to problems that come up for people who are deeply wounded and are in therapy because of it. It gets very hard. There are some who may need more than others feel able to give, or who may have a tendency to try and give more than they are reasonably able to, because one of the things we are all trying to learn is self-care. not so easy to learn that one, for me anyway. So, in my neediness, and also in my care-taking propensities, I may *unintentionally* yet seriously hurt another's feeling on this forum. And that bothers me a lot. Infact, it makes me not want to post.

Ideally, we should all feel ok to reasonable and honestly state the reasons for being hurt in the first place...yet that is not so easy to do...in fact, I suspect that if most of us were able to do that, we might not be on this forum in the first place. I've been trying to see this place as a place to learn. Because while full of support and great people, all of you-this place is just actually, quite a complicated problem and a potential minefield of seriously hurt feelings and all kind of stuff that seems to *just happen* in relationships, let alone among people who are easily hurt and triggered because of past events in our lives. So I think it's just really complicated. It is not because people here do not care, or are bad, or any of it...it is just the nature of the problem. I think there should be some ground rules in place that are a little bit more detailed, without taking people's freedom to say what they want to say away. Maybe the site really does need a moderator or two...I'm not sure about that.

Well, these are just my thoughts...take or leave...

BB

Your not talking tosh, DF... I agree. I guess in terms of ground rules, I'm not sure what I meant, really. I think people need to feel free to post about whatever they want to, without fear of hurting, because people can choose to read of not to read, respond or not respond. I guess in terms of groundrules, I was thinking of something along the lines of no exclusion, but would need amoderator to enforce, because it is too hard for each of us to try and make everyone feel welcome, kwim? So many people...I guess I thought if there was a moderator, they could be responsible for making sure each new poster feels welcome, and "keeping track of everybody" and "making sure nobdoy is hurting really badly" and such. Because it's sooo hard not to forget anyone, since often it can be hard to find the time to post. But having a moderator has it's own set of pitfalls and annoyances, I guess, when I think about it. Just thoughts and musings, here, not really any outright suggestions meant by this at all...

If I was going to post any one ground rule it would be this:

If I am reading, take what I am reading at the word of the person. In other words, I shouldn't read between the lines, or read personal meanings or things into their words or take them as if they were directed at me, personally. If I am the one posting, Say what I mean, mean what I say, without fear but all within the boundaries of respect that I would follow in any realtime realtionship with a close friend I care about. We each have to be careful to gaurd and care for our own hearts.

Does any of this make any sense?

BB

I think a moderator looking out for the newbies would have helped me to post a bit more from the start. Its hard to post when everyone seems to know everyone.

Hev

Personally, I love that there’s no moderator on here. I’ve posted on another forum in the past where there were moderators, and they acted like they knew everything and were better than everyone else just because they were “mods”. It made posting very difficult sometimes when you were always worrying about what the mods would say. But I also see how it could be helpful for newbies. As long as the mods don’t take over the forum and make a bunch of new rules we all have to follow.

Dragonfly- I would be totally open about talking about my sexual experiences too in hopes that it would help someone else. But I definitely see your concern with it. It’s too bad because I think it could be helpful, but I don’t know if this is exactly the right place. Maybe sometime it will work out. I don’t know.

I think part of the issue that some have with leaving posts up is that anyone can read this board, even if you aren't registered. Of course, even if it were private, it isn't hard to register so I'm not sure that really matters.

I'm not a fan of a huge # of rules because I think that we should really be able to monitor ourselves and read/post/respond as we see fit for our situation. I try to be respectful of others and not intentionally hurt feelings, but short of that I'm not sure that you can ever create a list of rules that will make everyone happy and make sure nobody gets hurts. That isn't realistic in my opinion.

Say what I mean, mean what I say, BB quote.

funny, this is the third time in three days i have heard that spoken, and i really like it, the accountability.

i think mods would have to be a paid job, and that kills that. too, i think this has been a great place to feel wounded and to safely be able to speak up. i do know the feelings are real, regardless of this world being a little fake, but, barring time on line, can't find a real negative, for me, in being here. i have to balance the time and use it as a reward for getting something done...like dinner!!

i don't know, i sadly think we are all responsible for ourself, and we can't put that responsibility (or blame) onto others, to be really frank about this whole topic.

i, too feel, with TRIGGER WARNINGS, no one should feel too badly about whatever they say. and if they use this avenue to vent cruelly about another member, then REAL LIFE consequences are a natural flow of that. like you said, sweet bb, mean what you say and say what you mean...(and live with the consequences).

T told me last time that 'truth-tellers' in a family are ALWAYS the one everyone wants to shut up. and i have just this year been the truth-teller, and am bearing the consequences, but if the truth will set you free, then honey, hold on, coz i am READY for FREEDOM!! xxoo jill

My main thing is to hope I don’t offend someone and if I do, to hope that I can have the chance to clarify or apologize for it.

I Post to express myself or my feelings and with the hope that others can share insight with me that I may be missing, or just to commiserate.

I Respond to express my story in a way that applies to the topic because I’ve either felt moved by it, or would like to interact with and help the person who started it.

I know my “help” may be totally off base and possibly unhelpful since I have my own influences in my life and thoughts. I really hope that I don’t offend because of this, as I’m usually just trying to share a shoulder and let others know they are not alone in these struggles.

I have felt that people here are very conscious of not being intentionally harmful and I appreciate it. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do to make it safer here.

Good topic though I don't know how much we can do to avoid any problems. Everyone comes here with their own stuff and since everyone has their own opinions, it's going to be hard to not offend anyone at some point. I think what everyone needs to remember is to give grace to everyone. We all need at different levels and we all want to help the same way. I kind of look at this forum as being there to help me see what I can't see - good or bad. I may not like what some people say but that doesn't mean that I should take it personally. It is their opinion.
Anyway, Grace goes a long way......

DF

quote:

See thats it isn't it......who exactly do we answer too....each other or who?
I am not going to start a thread only for it to be pulled down, it would be humiliating so who do i ask if its ok?

It's difficult isn't it? I agree that to have a thread pulled would be really hard, but I wonder if the answer lies with the intention of the poster. If you wanted to write about something for example that was intimate or deeply personal, as long as there was a suitable trigger warning, then I think that's fine... BECAUSE your intention is not to upset, offend or harm. That intention is very different to the intention of harm that was caused to many of us here in the past. I think we must balance the sensitivity of the members who read the posts, with the need of some members to express their genuine on-going difficulties and concerns. Only by sharing such experiences can we learn that we are not alone in our troubles.

starfish

Not sure Dragonfly. I too am experiencing serious side effects in my sex life from all of this past crap intruding. I would like to discuss it as well. Personally, I think we are all adults and if a thread title were to mention that there was talk of sex then those who want to avoid can do so. However, Shrinklady might have a different opinion on that.

Ya I would also be scared that shinklady would make an appearance if I posted something to ‘explicit’. But if we put a proper warning before hand then I don’t see how she could argue that it wouldn’t be helpful to the community. I don’t know. Can we email her?

Are we all adults here? Do we know for a fact that there is no one underage who browses the forum? Can we just put a warning saying only read if you are 18 and older?

One reason I want to talk about sex is because I want to brag about how good I’ve been doing! . But I would also how that it might be helpful to someone somewhere.

hey i'm a little too spacey to most much of response to anyone right now but i really like everyone's input

i think contact info for shrinklady is here and i think that would be great idea to ask her for more clarification about what posts she would pull down or not