Most people here talk about the endless supply of support and camaraderie they find here and how wonderful that is...unfortunately that has not been my experience.

It may be that my need is great but my ability to 'reach out' is not, and as I am not given to moments of great affection/connection for and with people I don’t know well, I don't readily connect. Or it may be because I have never really gelled well with females and often find myself on the outer when in their company, because my ‘face doesn’t fit’, so to speak. (Having said that, there are a couple here that I have felt a strong camaraderie with and they know who they are and I suspect they’ll miss me some. I’ll miss them too. ) Or, it may be that some just don't like to hear about the good fortune I’ve had in terms of stability and longevity and flexibility in my relationship with my T and don’t want to share in in that with me. I understand that, but of course it is not conducive to continued, heartfelt sharing. These things can be felt...even in cyberspace.

I don’t feel any resentment toward anyone, just a bit of sad resignation. This is how things get and clearly I have ongoing work to do. You reap what you sew...I am not so good at sewing.

My posts have been deleted as my experiences are too precious and painful to me to remain ‘shared’ in such a public way. For me, given where I am at present, it has been a mistake to share...it's often been upsetting. I do realise that for the majority of people here, sharing is of huge benefit to themselves and others.

It's a big ask, but if the opportunity arises, if anyone could be bothered erasing any slabs of my posts that they may have quoted that they are aware of - that are about me and my situation directly - I would be hugely appreciative.

I wish you all well on your different journeys, and pray for God’s blessings and revelations etc for people here. At the end of the day our healing will truly will come in God’s embrace, not in that a mere mortal...as nice as their embrace may be.

Monte

Ohhhh, Monte. I have no idea if I am one of the people you felt a connection with or not. I have no idea if I did or said anything to hurt you or drive you away. I know there isn't anything I could say to make it better. I am just writing honestly and from my heart here...that your posts have always been so great to see, reading your experiences has been wonderful and inspiring for me. I'm feeling bad because I admitted to you that I was quite triggered by your recent experiences, and was unable to respond, and for that I am really sorry. In the end, it is true that we all have to do what is right for us and what puts us in a good place or at the very least, a better place...and I hope that is what you are doing right now. I am one who has always found relationships of any sort, very painful, and I have found the support here very helpful. That being said, there are times when it has become too hurtful, too challenging, too scary and all the rest of it. Right now, lately, has been one of those times for me, as well. And it seems a lot of us are feeling that way or feeling the need to take a break for whatever reasons. Like you there is nobody that I feel any animosity towards or anything like it, it is just the way it is, right now for whatever reason. And that's ok Monte. I hope that in spite of "burning your brindges" you will feel ok to pop in from time to time and post and say hello. I know for me, I will greatly miss seeing your posts, sincerely hope you will reconsider, though I have not been able to spend much time on the forum myself lately.

I hope that I have not said anything to you that may have hurt you. If I have, I ask for your tolerance and understanding and if possible, forgiveness. Hugs to you, Monte, pecae, prayers for your journey. I hope the good track you are on with your T will continue.

All the best,

BB

Monte...I just wanted to add one more thing. (Or two.) I can't stop thinking about why you might be running away from us again. It's really troubling me. I don't say that to induce any guilt or try to get you to do anything you are not comfortable with...honestly. I totally respect and honour your decision to delete and leave. And it may very well be coming from a good, balanced, and self-care type of place. All good things.
But...I do not feel that "your face doesn't fit." Quite the contrary...your face is very dear, and it fits quite nicely. You are a sweetie, maybe it sounds trite, maybe like I don't mean it, whatever...but it is the truth...that on this forum, your "forum personality" is lovely, thoughtful and caring, insightful, and I for one will feel quite lonely here without you. Again, I do not say to induce any kind of guilt or try to get you to change your mind, Monte, no...but I will just, simply, realllllly miss you. and you may think this is silly, but at times when you have not posted for periods of time, I really missed you. So, I say all this to help you see, that you DO make a difference where you show up, and that you are cared about...not because of some kind of global, insincere caring, but because you are you...honest, forthright, insightful, caring not at all an ice queen, though you may think you come across as such, and I for one will not be forgetting you.

BB

monte,
I will miss you terribly .....church pews will never look the same
Your humour and support have touched me deeply and you will always have a huge place in my heart.....whereever you are.I just want you to know you are loved dearly and thought of fondly...look after yourself.I will pray hard tonight for you and for your healing.
heartfelt tears and hugs
draggers xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monte,

You will be missed. I hope that you find the peace that you are looking for and I wish you the best on your journey. I have always thought you were kind, caring, warm and genuine on this board. I too am concerned about you and your need to pull away. I'm not saying you are wrong at all, but it seems like perhaps you have recently really opened up in T and then on the board and I get the feeling that you might be feeling overwhelmed with being that exposed. I sorry that you didn't feel like you had the support here that you needed. I always enjoyed reading about the relationship with your T and the progress that you were making.

Take care. ((((hugs))))

monte
I'm so sorry to hear the heartache you are in. (is there anything we can do?) I don't see that you reaped anything but amazing conversations and feedback and I have enjoyed enoying you through this site. I'm so sorry you didn't feel supported back. I hope you will consider coming back when you are ready, even just to say hello...

side note: I think we do all have seasons where being here is helpful and times when we need to pull away - I have done that... just life and it's ok. And it does/ can help and it take take some energy too (to stay here, and to be away) and it leads to missing people... ah, it's a tricky balance to find for sure...

oh monte, do take care and hang in there and keep up the good fight.

~jd
*sniff*
p.s. miss you much already.

me too.

Aw Monte, that's a shame

I will really miss you being around here, but totally respect your descision of course. But like others have said...don't feel you can't come back here though. Sometimes we have to do what feels right at the time, but sometimes circumstances and feelings alter and we can then always change our minds again. We'd love to see you if that ever happened......

I shall really miss you,

starfish

Hi Monte, I'm sorry you feel the need to leave as I have always enjoyed your posts and found them insightful, especially lately as you moved closer to your T and have been doing some hard hard there. I just wanted to say that I found your relationship and longevity with your T to be comforting. Especially lately as I struggle to stay with my T and find a way we can work together again. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much but so much of my energy is drained away by tears and pain over this huge disruption with my T that is potentially relationship ending. I do wish you the best and I hope this is just a little break and that you will come back and let us know how you are doing. Your voice will be missed.

TN

Monte,

It sounds like you know what is best for you at this point. I will say that I am disappointed that all of your posts have been deleted because I can think of one specifically, and many others that were helpful to me. But I completely understand why you did delete your posts.

I wish you peace and happiness

Mac

monte, i feel your pain, and am trying to recollect any fumbles i have sent your way. i am so clumsy with relationships, and i hope that none of my 'all thumbs' have come your way. i have massive work to do, myself, so, anything negative or not connecting i may have done, i ask for your forgiveness and understanding that i am not dealing with a full deck socially. t today told me that i am all hidden out in a bunker with ammo galore, bombs, missiles, everything strapped upon me, and the problem for me is, i don't realize there is no war.

i am seeing so many leave now, and i respect fully your decision, and wish you all the best in your journey.

i wish i knew something clever or healing to share, but prayers for you is the best i have! we are all on a journey, my friend, and i wish you well. xxxooo jill

Monte I’m really sorry you are leaving the forum - I will miss your wit and honesty and beautifully articulated posts. Guess all I can do really is wish you well, and say that if you ever do feel like posting here again, it would be great to hear how you are doing.

All the best to you Monte.

LL

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this hurt, Monte. I don't underestimate the power of it one bit. I have truly enjoyed reading about your time in therapy and your experiences with your T. I completely respect your decision, and I will also be sure to go back and check out anything I've posted. In your position, I'd probably want the same thing.

I'm so sad to see you go and feel pain that you feel the way you do, because I've felt similarly in lots of other situations, and it's downright miserable. Please take care of yourself - do whatever you need to do to continue your healing.

Monte,

I'm sorry to hear this. I've valued your input and appreciate you contributions here.

Best wishes,
Russ

Monte, I'm sorry to hear that you are leaving. Ultimately you have to do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and I respect that. However, the reasons you listed leave me feeling puzzled and concerned...and also a bit hurt. So I would like to respond to these.

You say that you have not experienced much support or camaraderie on this forum. However, I have seen (and in some cases I have written) LOTS of supportive and encouraging responses to your posts, as much or more than anyone else here, particularly on what I've come to think of as "your" thread ("Lost my nerve..."). Could you be more specific about what it is that you feel "sad resignation" over having not received here?

You say that you don't readily connect with people you don't know well. Well, I think it's safe to say that lots of us don't connect readily, given the types of challenges we face in therapy. Judging from your very articulate posts about your own therapy, and your supportive responses to others about theirs, you don't seem any more challenged in that area than anyone else here. So I'm sorry but I just don't understand what you mean by this. I mean that as a compliment, by the way.

You say that you don't gell well with females and often feel yourself on the outer when in their company, because your "face doesn't fit". And then you mentioned only a couple with whom you have felt "strong" camaraderie. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those two. And that part is really okay with me. It makes a ton of sense that each one of us probably has certain members with whom we identify so strongly that we feel a special connection with them, we are drawn to them a bit more than others. I've experienced it, and I've sensed it between other members, and who knows if I'm sensing it correctly, but at any rate in general it is to be expected and it's totally cool. We all still offer genuine support to each other, even if we don't have the particular experience they've had, we still offer each other very real sympathy and encouragement. And I would also add, admiration.

But what DOES bother me is that you seem to be lumping the "rest" of us (outside of the two you feel close to) into some perceived "inner" circle, which is excluding you somehow, to the point of driving you off this forum. Forgive me, Monte, but I just do not see that kind of behavior on this forum at all. It is one of the things I value so much about it, as was recently expressed in the "Unspoken rules" thread, that we all offer what we can, when we can. And if I can't offer support for whatever reason, then it has to do with me and my own limitations, and NOT anyone else here. And that thread was really hot, and I know that sentiment was strong throughout it, that we all want everyone to feel welcome and supported here. So it bothers me a great deal that you feel excluded. So Monte, if you really do feel that you are being excluded to the point of being driven off (or having to "choose" to leave), then can you be a bit more direct and explain exactly what behavior it is that you are experiencing?

And forgive me again, but I just cannot even imagine that there is anyone here at all who is not very happy for you that you have the good fortune to have stability, longevity, and flexibility in your relationship with your T. It is what we all dream of. For example, I was so worried for you that he would not see the value in your drawings, and was so happy for you when he did. And I remember recently responding to the new developments with your T, such as sitting closer to you and offering you hugs, with genuine enthusiasm. And I will also tell you this, Monte, I felt no small amount of envy, too...I wish like CRAZY my ex-T would have done this for me. BUT I can also assure you 100% that it does not detract from my happiness for you AT ALL. And I did not hear or sense this coming from anyone else, I only saw positive responses to your experiences. So again, can you explain what it is you are feeling coming from "cyberspace", what it is that we don't want to share in with you, which is getting in the way of continued, heartfelt sharing?

I am sorry to hear that you deleted your posts. It is a great loss, as it has been in the past when others have felt the need to delete theirs, for various reasons. We've all shared experiences as precious and sometimes painful to us as yours are to you, so we understand the drive to take them back down sometimes. But again, you seem to be indicating that your posts were responded to in a disrespectful or uncaring way by others here. If that's true, could you be more specific?

Forgive me if the tone of this post is too confrontational, Monte. I do not mean it to be that way at all. But it bothers me so much that you feel you are being run off. I would never want anyone here to feel that way and I don't think anyone else would, either. If I have done something, then tell me, let's work it out. It could very well be that this forum just isn't what you are looking for in general. If that turns out to be the case, then I would simply wish you all the best. But you seem to be leaving with hard feelings, as if you have been wronged, or at least short-changed. And that is why I'm asking the questions.

Peace,
SG