The long and the sort of it for me, is I keep coming back here to see if maybe you changed your mind...I really miss you. I too was really sad yesterday, and it was hard because I couldn't talk to anybody about it...so yeah, it gets challenging. It's not like I can call up a friend and say "someone I really liked and cared about has gone missing..." You know what I mean? I fumbled around a lot, I worred about being too honest, and maybe, sometimes I have been. but I wish to be a support to you... a realistic support, yes...I understand we all have lives, and sometimes the nature of this place is that people can't show up...or need to delete, or need to leave, or just take a break...it's hard on us, but it IS the nature of this forum, a reality we have to accept. But there is caring here, for you too, Monte. We do like and care about you, your story is precious to us, and do not want to hurt you, neglect you, leave you alone with your emotions, or any of the rest of it. I am really sorry for any comments I made that might have contributed to this sense for you. Or any of the comments I failed to make. I am feeling very bad for being awol on your thread, and I am wondering if that is possibly a part of what has hurt you so badly? If so, please know I really do feel so happy about the wonderful progress you have made, how caring and kind and gently your wonderful T is being with you, helping you to heal from the awful past you have endured. We want to be your friend! When I told you that it triggered me, it was in all honesty to explain to you why I wasn't responding, so that maybe my lack of response wouldn't be as hurtful...not to make you feel that I was envious to the point of not being happy for you. Reading your thread was making me cry too much, is all. I needed to step away, just for a time, get my bearings, then I planned to come back to respond. Now I say all of that in fear and trembling that you may read this and pull away more. I also made a comment meant totally in jest about you not liking cyber hugs...and for that I am sorry too, because I couldn't see at the time, that you might take that as hurtful, and not accepting of where you are at with it, which was totally how I intended it. Yet the support and care you have shown to us, your humour and insight and genuine compassion is just something I can't help feeling awful to lose.

Missing you so much already, Monte...

BB

IM GOING TO MISS YOU MONTE!!!!! I loved reading your posts and hearing everything you had to say and I am truly going to miss that. I hope you do come back but I know you have to do what is best for you. But I am really going to miss you.

MTF,

No, you are not selfish and childish. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling about Monte leaving and the post that she wrote. I too am confused, somewhat hurt and wondering if I missed something. I am also really sad that the posts have been deleted because there was so much in those posts that was important and special.

Monte, I will miss your presence here - you added so much and could feel that you were really taking huge steps lately. I love your ability to express yourself so articulately and I will miss your wit and great sense of humor!

Today feels really sad. I know everyone has to do what they need to do to take care of themselves, but I don't like all of this change happening around here.

Oh Monte, it's hard for you and hard for us too.

I'm wobbling a little at all the people wobbling around me, and was just starting to feel braver and share a little more, so I think we're all a bit vulnerable.

Monte I am sorry if I ever didn't respond fully enough to your posts...We all respond in different ways, I for one am safer being a bit reserved, but it doesn't mean I care any less. I hate the fact that you don't feel listened too, that must feel really hard for you.

I was really moved by your recent post about that sharing time with your T, I guess it might feel scary, being out in the public domain BUT it spoke volumes to me and many others here. I was glad to read about how your T responded, it validated what you did and what my T is doing with me and what other T' are doing around this forum too. So thank you.

Monte, if you feel able to respond or just poo back once in a while, do. You are missed and valued,

starfish

((((MTF)))) my heart hurts for you and with you. (...maybe this is silly and stupid to say... but if it is any comfort at all... please know, you are not alone, and we are here with you...)

((((seablue)))) I'm so sorry you feel wobbly just after risking to be vulnerable.

I just found out a couple of days ago a dear friend in my life is moving away and honestly, I'm just thinking "*&@$#^@#(*" :*( It's hard for me to build relationships and live with the reality that people move away sometimes. yeah, we will still write and call, and it helps to know that, but it's not the same as when they live close by...

It's scary to risk connection, so painful for me when it's lost... and it seems like it's oddly still all worth it for me to keep trying and keep connecting.


I think what makes this kind of leaving is how abrupt it seems and the unanswered questions.

Monte, I really respect for not publicially slamming people you feel hurt by, but you didn't just withdraw from a few, you left everyone, the community as a whole without giving us a chance of knowing what you needed or wanted to be different for you... It's hard because of all the wondering why.

I appreciate that you said something, instead of just dissappearing forever without saying so - but I'm confused... oh I hope you are reading this. Even if not, I think this is a good way for us as a community to sort out our responses and hearts.

I have a friend who reminds me, "don't try to read minds." she means it in the sense that everyone is responsible for sharing something that is bothering them and what they want different. If they don't share it, my friend says, don't try to read their mind... but that's the hardest thing.

Jones and AG taking a break seems so different to me. They gave a reason why, and they said they will be back sometime. I miss them dearly, but there are not unresolved questions bouncing around in my head or a sense that they will be gone and that's it.

If any of us feel hurt by a specific person, I just want to mention that there is an option to block that person from private messages, or if the hurt feelings are on a public post, I think it's ok to addres them gently and respectfully that way - and Monte, I really saw you do that once... so I'm a little confused. Oh, I wish you would help me understand.

I do understand what it is like to feel like you have said too much and suddenly want to pull down posts. I have almost done that. But then I realize that no one here knows me - all names and places changed - and I suppose someone could connect me to my offline life... I guess... but if that is going on, then well, that's just creepy. One thing I love about being here is that I'm "annoymous." I even picked the name janedoe because I so wanted to be unknown in a way - and yet, there is the weird paradox that I feel really known here, and it's helped me be more known in the same way in the rest of my life. I can understand pulling down your posts Monte and I have gone back and forth about if I should delete anything I wrote in response to them or about you, but if it is ok with you, I'd like to leave them up, especially the ones where I say how much you rock! Even in you never come back Monte, you were here, and you did impact our lives and had wonderful things to say, and you really are amazing, and I want people to know that... and I know that for me, it's scary for me to realize that for myself... but this is one of the safest places there is to say what you have Monte. Please don't take all of you away.

you left without explaining to us, the community at large what you wanted differently from us, the community at large.

I remember someone here posting that they felt ignored - I love that they shared how they were feeling - because then it gave the community a chance to step in and work it out, and in many ways, express simillar feelings, and to connect on that...

I agree with what's been said about only being able to respond to so many posts and having a deeper connection with different people - and for me, that shifts at times. I love and respect everyone so much, and there just naturally is a deeper connection with some and not as much as with others. I still love reading all the posts, even when I have nothing to share or contribute.

I don't understand feeling like you don't fit in with women. I guess by my posting name, you can tell I'm a girl, I guess I haven't felt like this forum is a bunch of women and only a few guys. It seems like the few that I can tell are guys and girls post stuff that any guy or girl could write. I wonder how you pick up on the sense that you don't fit in with women playing out here. (to be honest monte, I'm not totally sure if you are a guy or a girl. maybe the name monte gives it away, but it doesn't for me. I just haven't kept very good track about genders. I'm sorry if that's hurtful to anyone.)

Monte, you left feeling hurt and a lack of comraderie.

In the responses to your leaving I sense some hurt from feeling like we've lost a connection with you and a deep desire to understand and resolve it.

I just miss you. I hope you come back some day and perhaps let us know how you are, and it would be so helpful to know, in your wonderfully honest and frank way of saying things, what you specifically would have liked to be different. Please at least give us that. please? I only ask because I care and my heart aches.

I am rambling, just jumbled up thoughts...

I wanted to leave a more strongly written response at first, but since I am new here I felt that it wasn’t my place. I am very happy that other people (SG, dragonfly, BB, janedoe) have posted what looks like their true feelings on the situation.

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
I have a friend who reminds me, "don't try to read minds." she means it in the sense that everyone is responsible for sharing something that is bothering them and what they want different. If they don't share it, my friend says, don't try to read their mind... but that's the hardest thing.

My therapist said practically this same thing to me today. I tried to tell him that I noticed that I was much less complimenting of him while in session than I am on this forum. But I didn’t even want to hint to him that I might actually like him, so I tried to talk around the subject instead of actually saying it. In the end I actually said to him “I don’t want you to know that I really do like you”. Actually saying what I was feeling always turns out to be a million times more helpful than just hinting that there is a problem or concern.

So what I’m trying to say is that, I think that if you did, Monte, actually come back and say how specifically you felt left out, or also how specifically you felt that others weren’t supportive, that it would only be beneficial to the community. No one can learn or grow and better this community from this experience without you leaving more concrete reasons why you left.

I would also like to comment on something that Monte said to everyone else still here.

quote:

Or, it may be that some just don't like to hear about the good fortune I’ve had in terms of stability and longevity and flexibility in my relationship with my T and don’t want to share in in that with me. I understand that, but of course it is not conducive to continued, heartfelt sharing. These things can be felt...even in cyberspace.

I have felt (certainly not in a negative way) that maybe there isn’t quite as much of a space here for raving about positive relationships with T’s.

I’m not specifically talking about posting success stories (because I shared my success story with recording sessions and I felt everyone’s responses were so supportive and encouraging) but in just responding to other people’s posts about problems that they are having with their T. I feel like I don’t want to keep responding to other people’s problems with saying, “I hear what you’re saying, but my T is perfect and we have a great relationship and he has never been anything less than amazing!!” Obviously, that’s exaggerated. But I was thinking that might be what Monte was hinting at with not feeling like people wanted to hear about positive things with T’s. I have no idea, it’s just a thought since the reasons for leaving that Monet posted were so brief.

Mac

MacLove -

I only have a moment but I wanted to say thank you for sharing how you feel uncomforatble about sharing positive stories.

quote:

have felt (certainly not in a negative way) that maybe there isn’t quite as much of a space here for raving about positive relationships with T’s.

I’m not specifically talking about posting success stories (because I shared my success story with recording sessions and I felt everyone’s responses were so supportive and encouraging) but in just responding to other people’s posts about problems that they are having with their T. I feel like I don’t want to keep responding to other people’s problems with saying, “I hear what you’re saying, but my T is perfect and we have a great relationship and he has never been anything less than amazing!!”

Oh, I am not sure how to word this - but let me try and see if I can manage to not stick BOTH feet in my mouth in the process.

MacLove - you do a very good job of being very respectful to people's pain. I don't see how posting a good experince is disrespectful of other's pain... I suppose it can vary for people - but we all choose what we taken in and what we don't - and it's tough to do that too.

I think if you post a positive experince with a T, it is a good thing! And I have been through hell and back with T's. I have had bad experinces and now have some good (and confusing) ones that I have posted about. I can understand feeling like you don't want to post the positive because then it would... is invalidate the right word? the experience of others? can I challenge you (and myself!) that both exist and neither take away the value of the other?

When I have been really struggling with awful experiences, it as been so helpful to read posts of others about good experinces. Yeah, it stings sometimes too - but it doesn't invalidate the horrible negative experience I have just because you have a good one, just like my negative experiences don't invalidate the good ones! I think both have been equally valauble for me to read, and for me to post about - both when I have been struggling with the good and the bad.

I want to say out loud for myself that as someone who has posted probably more bad experinces than good (so far) I would hate for you to withold a good experince with your T because of a bad experince I have had, and I don't want my bad experinces to be withheld because of the good expericnes of others. (and vice versa - in all kinds of ways.)

Thanks for sharing MacLove.

Let's create the space here for both the good and the bad expericnes to exist here together. Not sure how to create more space for both, but I hope this is a start? hmmm.... how do we create more space for both?

quote:

So what I’m trying to say is that, I think that if you did, Monte, actually come back and say how specifically you felt left out, or also how specifically you felt that others weren’t supportive, that it would only be beneficial to the community. No one can learn or grow and better this community from this experience without you leaving more concrete reasons why you left.

I think that would be very beneficial. One of the things that, IMO, makes this place so unique and special is that it really is like a large, cyber therapy group (wasn't that your T, MacLove, that said that?). It should be a safe place to express ourselves and our experiences, both good and bad, but that's not always the case for each individual. Of course, for some it will take a whole lot longer and a lot more wrestling with yourself to reach the point where you can post something and know you will benefit from it in one way or another. I'm very far from that point - like others have mentioned, I feel so largely inadequate for so many reasons and it has had a very large effect on how much I post, when/where I post, etc. It all feels dangerous to me. So, even though I'm often too afraid to take that step and reach out, whether for my own support or to support others, I know how valuable it is to have thoughts/feelings out in the open. So, I also hope that you, Monte, and everyone else realize that my choosing to post at any point always comes with a huge war within myself...it's never an easy decision, so please know that any silence coming from my direction is never out of anything else other than insecurity and a sense of being inadequate.

Monte, if you do happen to read all of this, I think there are several ways in which all of this could be interpreted. At first glance, all of these posts could hurt you deeply, maybe even make you feel ganged up on (just guessing). You are so kind to others that I know you would never intentionally cause hurt to anyone else. But take a second look at the hurt everyone is feeling and realize that it is YOU that made this impact on them. You affected them by being present, by posting your experiences with your T, by sharing deep, secret parts of yourself. I have a feeling that there is some final straw that you experienced recently, Monte. If it was a private matter, then by all means keep it private, but if it was something that happened on the public forum, I do think that we all have a right to know why you chose now to leave. What was it that finally pushed you away?

I agree with you, Janedoe, that this post has brought about a whole lot of things that need to be talked about. For me, this is one of the only times (maybe the first...I'm not sure) that I have seen such real, raw emotions written out by other members. Perhaps it takes something radical like this to bring about this necessary honesty from everyone, though it is unfortunate.

i probably am sticking both feet in my mouth, but monte, the love you are seeing for you by all these posts, i know we are all just cyber-people, and i fear i am probably one of the 'bad ones' as i usually am, but, i will say this, it did help me to kindof wave the white flag by posting that thing i did about asking what the rules are, and it helps me here, and in the real world. i already have an occasion, too boring to mention, where what i learned through that helped me. monte, this is a place where we can learn to sort these things out in an anonymous way, so i would love to be able to encourage you to stick one toe in the water again holding on FULLY to the siderail.

you may learn something that can help you, and i would somehow like to normalize your feelings, as we have all felt 'wronged' here and in real life....and sadly, that IS real life. but we are a very forgiving crew, i say we, although i don't know how much i am even accepted myself, but, really. try to think of a way to balance "THIS" in your life so you don't feel too attached thus too vulnerable??

i dunno much, it just seems that people really love you, and you are being hard on yourself and cutting off a place that could be very nurturing to you, too.

and, cyber-friend to cyber-friend....we are all anonymous!!

too, i think i might have replied once to you or someone about how i envied their relationship with their t, and i did follow it up that i was thrilled that they are experiencing that great relationship, and yes, a part of me was GREEN WITH ENVY, but too, a very BIG part of me was ENCOURAGED BY READING HOW IT COULD COME TRUE MAYBE FOR ME, TOO!! so IF that was you, i hope you understood the full loop of my thought.

anyway, do what you need to do, but i do think working through some of what HURTS the most, we get closer to the healing!! ((i'm hoping anyway, as the last session i had was a bit of a bloodbath!!))

if you're there, ((((MONTE)))) ....REALLY!

Oh how I can so relate to Monte.....I stopped contributing to this forum quite some time ago for the very same reasons (and a few more)....From time to time, I read a few of the threads.....but will never again feel safe enough to respond....although many times I would have liked to....my heart goes out to you Monte....Many Blessings!

Monte, I want you to know that I have valued and appreciated your contributions here. You have said some very wise things on my threads, and it was very helpful for me. I always think of you being very "mature", even though I don't know your age. It's obvious you've been in therapy a long time and have a good relationship with your T. I've enjoyed hearing about your experiences. I'll miss you.

Sarah,

Would you be willing to elaborate more? Is it something specific that happened? Was it on the boards or behind the scenes? Really, I don't see how this isn't going to continue to repeat if we (as the community) aren't given the opportunity to know what is going on and what is being handled poorly.

Thanks for asking!

The incidents were both on and off the boards....One incident involved the Shrinklady who deleted a post of mine which was simply a search for a healthy debate on a specific topic...my fear now is that she will once again delete this post...I am still to this day traumatized/devastated by this one act....she also sided with another member over me with regards to another topic ... dismissing my input on the matter....there are a few more incidents but I am too tearful at this moment to continue sharing....hurts like these can last a lifetime....I will put the violin away now....thanks again for asking!

Monte, I just want to "echo" everything which Echo just wrote. She wrote it better than I could. I don't post as much anymore because some days either I don't have the mental energy or else I get triggered and have to log off, but I am sorry if I have offended you by not offering more open support. I do appreciate the times you have responded to my posts, as well as the good I have gained just by reading your responses to others. You have given much to the forum, and perhaps you are just burned out giving too much. I realize you have every right to leave, that no one ought to force you to stay, and I respect that. If you change your mind, I would also be glad to welcome you back. Take care.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cipher,