The second week of August, we'll be taking a family trip, so my H can visit his father, step-grandfather (who might not be around a lot longer) and half-brother for four days. We'll also be stopping to visit my dad for a day. H was nice enough to arrange things so that I don't have to skip an office session with T, even though it means missing his dad's birthday by a couple of days. I am finding myself really anxious about it, because:

* There's no real room in his Dad's house, so we end up sleeping in their living room and Boo gets woken early and often, as if sleeping arrangements weren't enough of an issue right now.

* His Dad's long-term girlfriend screams constantly, which has always been triggering to me, but especially since starting therapy.

* Last year, said girlfriend's son (a few years younger than me) got drunk and threatened his pregnant girlfriend such that they had to kick him out and almost call the cops.

* My father-in-law is OK now, but did a lot of horrible stuff when H was young and I have trouble not getting upset.

* I'm going to feel guilty for only giving my dad one day of my time and also probably really triggered with abandonment stuff and step-mom's usual accusations of us not making enough effort to see them. H and I usually end up fighting about how my dad makes even less effort than his to be involved in Boo's life (but makes effort with my step-sister and her kids) and H wants to do a retaliatory ditch.

* We are leaving right after my first pdoc appointment, which I'm already anxious about...so not sure if I'll be starting meds during this crazy, stressful trip...

None of this is "dangerous," but I find myself really anxious about how triggered and trapped I may feel and will most likely be out of cell range for my phone session and any texting to T or my pastor for support. Ideally, I'd wait until I were in a better place to go, but H has major projects and two business trips coming up and he doesn't want to lose the chance to see his grandpa. I'm thinking about renting a motel room in town to retreat to, but we also don't have $250 to spare right now. Anyway, just venting my anxieties here and hoping I can manage to work through them in the next couple of weeks. Most of all, all this stuff seems like it should be "no big deal" like it always has been, but now I'm freaking out over these stupid BS issues (like abandonment) and feeling pathetic, stupid and weak for being so scared by screaming, fighting, etc. when that was my reality for so many years without me reacting almost at all...

You are very brave to go on this trip!

My first thought when I read you might start meds during your trip, was, WAIT till you get back. I guess I was thinking due to possible side-effects. Then I thought, well, there are some meds that might help you. I'm headed to see my sister, on an airplane with my mom, in two weeks, and now that I'm not on meds, I'm worried about how I will interact/react with them. My family doesn't communicate well with each other. My trip to see them last time (when my mom was living by my sister instead of by me), I was on medication and handled myself beautifully.

I'll be thinking about you.

Thanks, Ninn. I don't feel brave. I feel like a coward! I will be asking both my T and the pdoc about whether I should hold off on the meds until I get back...but, H leaves for a business trip about one month after my first pdoc appointment, so I also want to consider having enough time to adjust to them before he goes out of the country. Still scared to death about the idea of meds too.

((((((Yaku))))))

I agree with Ninn, you are so brave to go despite everything that's going on for you. You're not weak, pathetic, or stupid for the concerns you have...you have *real* fears that are completely understandable. For what it's worth, I get scared when I'm around screaming and fighting, too. It's a normal reaction, although I know that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm sorry that this trip and your H's trip are so triggering.

Yaku,

Big hug and all credit for even considering to do this for H's family when it's so hard for you.

(((((((((Yaku)))))))))

starfish

Yaku,

I hope the family trip goes well. That's a rough list to face. I also admire your courage!!

Maybe you could make another list of "coping" strategies? Escaping to Target because Boo "forgot" something important? Running out for a cup of coffee while your husband visits with his dad?

Survival strategies.

Maybe there's an internet connection you could arrange to email your T. at some point, just to know you'll be in some contact? It's funny. I don't contact my t. a lot out of session, and yet, I need to know that I *can.* I've stopped judging myself for this. It just is.

(((kashley))) (((starfish))) (((BG)))

BG - I forgot to mention that the place where H was born and his dad lives is pretty much the middle of nowhere, California. They've got a couple of grocery stores, but that's it. Also trying to avoid driving with the dissociation lately, BUT you gave me a great idea that it would be fun to get out on walks with Boo, because even though it will probably be hot, there are trees and hills and creeks and animals and just being out and about with her would be a really good thing for both of us. Thanks for inspiring me!

My T doesn't respond to email (just reads them), but I did already have on my list to ask him in today's phone session what we might be able to do if my phone is out of commission. H says he thinks he remembers them working last time, though, so I'm hopeful again.

This trip has stirred up some other stuff with me, so I'm glad I have a few T sessions to deal with it before I leave, shore up some boundaries and have a plan in place for how to feel as safe as possible. I'm feeling good that at least that is a consideration for me. Several months ago, I wouldn't have even thought ahead about how I was going to take care of myself and about making decisions for myself that were going to inconvenience or hurt other people, because my well-being is important enough to me.

YAY YOU for thinking about yourself in all of this, Yaku.

It's huge progress to think of yourself at all. For years, I was the invisible person in my own life. Everything was about everyone else. I'm still thrilled to realize I KNOW what I want and can just make decisions.

And, ironically, I'm a better friend now, even though I have boundaries.

But back to you. Awesome job thinking this through ahead of time!

Walks are good! And naps. I'm a big fan of naps when I'm away. And books. Being a stay-at-home mom is very conducive to this excuse. I just say, "Oh, it's so good to be here! Look how much fun the kids are having! Would you mind if I just go lie down for awhile and read? That's something I can't do very often at home and I'd love to just have a bit of downtime."

That's another great idea. I haven't gotten to read a book for fun in quite a while, because I am a sit down and read for hours type of reader and Boo never gives me that luxury. I feel the sudden need to visit a bookstore!

I'm a little bit proud of me, but also still freaked out, because so far the whole boundaries thing hasn't been such an easy ride. Who would have thought, LOL!