T1 has suddenly stopped responding to my texts in a timely manner (usually she replies anywhere from instantly to several hours later). Now suddenly I've noticed she will not reply for 14 hours or more.

She has not talked to me about wanting me to cut back on texts. She has always encouraged texting as a means of reaching out. But now I am wondering if I have abused it and she is worried that telling me outright that I need to cut back will make me embarrassed (which is an emotion strongly linked to bingeing and purging for me).

So I'm thinking perhaps she is trying to send me the message in a less direct way that will spare me the shame of a direct conversation. Abandonment and shame are like my two key issues that I deal with in my therapy. So I am imagining her being totally annoyed with my texts but worried she will compromise my therapy by discussing the texting with me directly. So instead she is trying to wean me off of them slowly. Yet this is equally, if not even more shameful for me. I feel silly, like she thinks I'm too stupid to realize what she is doing?? It is glaringly obvious to me what she is doing....and it hurts worse than a direct conversation would....I think.

Should I bring this up with her tomorrow? How should I approach the subject with her? Or should I say nothing at all and just get the hint and leave it at that and stop freaking texting her so much?

LG... if it's upsetting you then by all means bring it up to her on the phone. Just ask her why her usual pattern of quick response has now changed. You can say that you noticed it and was just wondering if there was a reason why. It's better than just wondering and worrying. Has this been going on for a number of days?

TN

LG
I would definitely talk to her about it. We often make the mistake of assuming any change in our T is directly related to us, when most times it isn't. A set of facts can have more than one interpretation.

It's really understandable that you are upset about a change like this but that makes it even more important to discuss. What if your T has been away in a place where she has very little cell phone access, or attending a wedding where it would be rude to be texting? You get my drift, there are a lot of situations that might make it difficult to respond in a timely manner.

I once made an emergency phone call to my T. He said all the right stuff but was distracted and got me off the phone so quickly I was barely able to say goodbye. I went into total anxiety overdrive and ended up writing him a novel length email in which I told him that I thought he had compassion fatigue and maybe we needed to take a break. That he was obviously frustrated with me. I did ask if I was just projecting as I dealt with a lot of insecurity in the relationship but said I needed to know the truth because I wanted to be able to trust my perception. I got a really good email back where he talked about how difficult it was for me to be caught in this fear, but made it clear that I had picked up on something, he was in a rush, but it had nothing to do with me and he wasn't frustrated in the least. If I hadn't asked, I would have just internalized the the belief that he was frustrated with me. I wouldn't want you to carry the belief that T1 was feeling annoyed about the texting if it's not true. And if on the very off chance it is, you'll have a chance to express how you feel.

AG

Hi TN,

Yeah, it has just been a couple of days. I am wondering if maybe she is sick of me because T2 has been out of town for 5 weeks and I've been doing therapy 3-5 times a week with T1 while T2 was gone. And I text her a lot on top of that. I can't blame her for wanting less contact. I'm not mad, but I am hurt and ashamed.

My last text to her was actually a question asking her if she was getting annoyed and burnt out on me. She didn't reply.

AG,

You have a good point that I may be premature to assume that he change in behavior is related to me. This did occur to me...I know she's been having a lot of problems at home lately, so maybe it is related to that.

Oh yeah LG nothing like domestic strife to get in the way of a normal routine. I hope you can clear it up tomorrow.

((((LG))))

Totally understandable that you would react that way. I agree with the others that it is perfectly okay to ask. And I agree with you that a direct conversation would be so much more beneficial.

Has it been five weeks already? When does T2 get back? It must be soon. Been coping okay?

Liese

I hope you can clear up why there has been a change in her noraml routine with you lately. Let us know how it goes tomorrow!


BB

Hey guys,

Thanks for the replies.

I didn't have the courage to ask T1 about it today when we talked. I'm just going to assume going forward that she is indeed wanting me to text less and I'm going to try my hardest to not reach out to her as often.

LG,

I don't know about assuming that's the message. IMO, it's better to ask and have an honest conversation about it all.

Liese

Liese,

She texted me today and apologized for being so delayed in replying to a text i sent yesterday. she said she has friends in town from out of state and has been running around doing things with them.

So, I do feel a bit better...yet I am still left with feelings of shame for being so needy and wanting more than she can possibly give.

LG,

I know about feeling needy and wanting more than she can give. It's a sucky place to be in. I think I'm finally getting out of it though so I hope you can get out of it too! I'm realizing that the needy feelings are coming from the way I felt as a child and really was needy and couldn't control my environment. I suddenly gave my self permission not to be needy anymore. It is so freeing. It was as if the intensity was from childhood but then the relationship with T survives anyway even if I'm not needy.

I have to talk to T about it tomorrow but I was wondering if someone in childhood liked me being needy, if someone got high on being needed. And then I just got stuck on this wheel wherein if someone felt inaccessible to me, those needy feelings just kicked in automatically.

Or maybe someone really was inaccessible just simply because of depression. Maybe some people get off on others needing them. It makes them feel good.

I don't know how it happened LG that I suddenly don't feel so needy anymore. Of course, I'm still not ready to give up my second appointment but that pain of neediness is gone.

Dear Liese - I just saw this and I wanted to say your new comfort in yourself is really apparent, and has been for a while - it's a real pleasure to see. You seem much freer and able to be yourself. Hooray for you!

LG, I sympathize- I hope you are able to let go of those yucky shame feelings soon and experience some more comfort in yourself too.

Jones

Liese,

You've got me thinking...

The interesting thing is that for me, it was the opposite in my childhood. I was not allowed to be needy. Independence was something I learned at a very early age, even moreso after my dad died when I was in high school and I had to pretty much take care of myself since my mom stopped cooking, grocery shopping, or doing anything that resembled any kind of parenting.

So for me, I think I sit with a lot of discomfort about needing T1....or needing anyone in general.

When I got married, I allowed myself to "need" my husband and made really poor choices for myself career-wise since he was very well-off and I didn't need to work. So when he cheated on me and we split up, suddenly I realized just how much of my life I had built around him. I was very much in need of his financial support and that was such a scary feeling. I walked away from that marriage feeling that I can never again allow myself to feel dependent on anyone.

My feeling needy and depending on T1 is terrifying for me. She will never be able to give me what I need, yet I seem unable to quit trying. I feel as though therapy has set me up for disappointment and heartache. It has put me in a position of feeling safe and trusting of someone who provides so much comfort and assuarnce....but ultimately will stop doing so when I stop paying her. There is something really pathetic about this arrangement and I carry a great deal of shame in being a participant in it.

LG, Well, I don't think I was allowed to be needy either as a child. Maybe meaning, my parents weren't open to me coming to them when I had problems or when I was in distress and so learned a pseudo independence. It looked like independence but isn't. And so maybe I thought I was independent but now looking back, I so badly needed more love and comfort from them than they seemed able to provide. I remember despising my mother because she was so dependent upon my father for many things. I was disgusted by it.

I was so angry a couple of months ago about the huge bind therapy put me into. It brings up all these feelings but they can never be reciprocated. I told T I was banging my head against the wall wanting something I can never have. It's all so odd. There is so much we can get from them. But there are limits. It's such a vulnerable place to be in.

I'm just thinking about this now and realizing that the shift came from acknowledging what I want in life and that I don't have it. Being so far from any of my goals in life

brings me the deepest sadness I have ever known. But I think I had been looking to other people to help me reach those goals and then those feelings of neediness follows. If what I want and/or need is dependent on getting it through other people, it only makes sense that I would feel a sense of neediness. But once I acknowledged that I have to get these things myself, the neediness abated some.

For sure, we all have emotional needs that need to be filled. And how that interacts with neediness, I'm a little unclear on. Because in some respect we need other people to meet those emotional needs. But maybe that's what some of us have done here. That inaccessibility factor. Always choosing people who are inaccessible. Maybe there are accessible people out there who can meet our needs. But we are not attracted to them. Well, I don't know about you. But I do found that air of inaccessibility attractive.

Jones, thanks for saying what you did. It means a lot.

(((LG))))

When is T2 coming back?