Like I am being surrounded and threatened for several hours now and no trigger I can discern. Texted T just to check in, but not expecting a reply. It's like something or someone is pushing up against me from all sides. It's over-stimulating, making me sick and I just want to hide. F---!

Yaku,
Maybe you can try meditating for a bit to clear your mind. Perhaps that process will help you identify the trigger.

in the meantime, ((((hugs))))

I have been praying (meditating throughout the day). Tried reading. Don't know yoga. It's starting to feel like an attack. Guess it's just a new way of experiencing trauma stuff...but still don't know what caused it.

Thanks, DF. That's a good idea. Um...dark crimson, spherical, dense, too hot, taking my breath away...and heavier than it should be.

Trying to imagine...cracking it open like an egg and there is gray light...cool...mist...inside expanding out of it...like taking a walk early on a foggy morning...alone in a quiet world.

Trying to sit with that feeling. We shall see.

Yakusoko,
I'm so sorry you are stuggling with such an awful feeling. I always find managing the feelings more difficult when I can't identify them or make sense of them. Can you try to let what's there be there and try not to push it away? I know it's not easy......pain is always worse when we brace aginst it. I really hope you get some relief soon. Try to take care of yourself in the meantime.
seablue

Yaku,

I'm sorry you are feeling this. I know what you are talking about and it is miserable. If you focus on where the sensations are in your body, do you feel any particular urge come up? Like to move away, push in a particular direction, kick a leg etc? If so, trying following that and allowing your body to move the way it wants to. Try pushing against something, moving different ways etc. I hope you can find something that helps. I hate that feeling, especially when I can't pinpoint the why behind it. ((( safe hugs)))

Seablue - Thanks. It is really hard for me when things don't make sense. You saying that was really validating.

STRM - I don't know why, but you knowing this feeling I am trying to describe almost made me cry (in a relieving/releasing way). Yes, I feel like I want to scream and push it away. We have company and sleeping babies here, so I cannot do anything right now. I am just trying to get distracted and ignore it. Maybe I can envision myself doing the actions I want to do for now. Thanks for the suggestion and the empathy!!!

Yaku,

You might not be able to scream right now, but if you could push against something it might really help. What about pushing against the couch or a chair (something heavy but that will move). The side of the mattress with your arms or legs? Those are all quiet activities. I do really know how engulfing this feeling is that you describe, but I can assure you that it doesn't last forever and even though it is a horrible feeling and feels dangerous that you are not actually in any danger now. Your body is just confused when it is. You are going to be okay.

Thanks, STRM. Company has gone home. I will sneak off and try. H makes me feel ridiculous whenever I do weird things. Something as simple as feeling parental connection with T, sitting on the floor with T, my extremely long journal entries, etc. he thinks are very weird. It's really challenging to share myself with him lately, because I feel like he sees me as an alien. On the other hand, he makes a good point when he says I should just stop asking what he thinks about things or caring about his opinion so much...it's hard for me not to. I guess that's why I'm here. I feel really accepted and encouraged by all of you! Thanks. Still in this feeling, but it's not as threatening as it was from talking about it.

Yaku,

How are you feeling today?

I was doing OK this morning...and then the sermon at church was very triggering. The pastor talked about the four different types of difficulties we face: trials, temptations, trespasses and troubles. The first two, yeah, sure whatever. But when he was talking about trespasses of others against us (even saying the word "abuse") and troubles brought on by our own choices, I got triggered into feeling attacked. I started feeling things happening to me. I had to hide in the bathroom. And then I started wondering if what I have experienced was really a trespass or it was a trouble I caused. I know it's stupid...and my pastor would never want me to take it that way. And luckily he was doing the sermon and not the teaching pastor who has been doing the last few weeks, because our lead pastor is very gentle and reassuring that it's OK to struggle and the other one is a more gung-ho, God makes it all better, so why are you feeling down about things type of guy. Ugh, I have been having all these sensations for the last three hours and feeling sick. I kept feeling like I wanted to fight during church, to scream and punch and pick up a chair and throw it and hurt myself, because it's not appropriate to direct these feelings anywhere else. When did I get so angry? And why can't I find a way to get it OUT so I can just have some peace today? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I may see T tomorrow...just a quick "Hi" at the end of H's appointment, since I need to do some shopping next door and it makes the most sense to just commute together and save gas. Maybe seeing him will help me make it until Tuesday night.