Well, my T and I have the incredible skill of pretending like whatever happened in our previous session didn't actually take place.

Did I tell her how taken aback I was about last session? While I was struggling and flustered, she told me multiple times that she'd just start reading a book if I was silent for too long. No, neither of us talked about it.
Did we talk about the rupture that occurred and the discussion we had about treatment being a failure? No, didn't address that either.

Did I dare to mention conflicts with the office staff, or how she never brought up scenarios in which she was a PART that are clearly triggering material for me, or did she bother to ask why I was having such a hard time or if I had anything I wanted to say or...ANYthing...? No.

Did I bring up her "refusal" to pathologize me and how inconsistent that is with her official diagnosis on my insurance forms? No.

Did I bring up the fact that she has suggested she does not ever exercise? That she spends days in a row watching TV shows? That she herself sounds feeble and depressed? That she seems to fluctuate between lack of work (and complaining about that to me!) and overwork? No.



I don't know what to do. We don't communicate by phone. We don't communicate by e-mail. My impulse or thought process is to do something extreme just to see what happens, but I want to find some middle ground. I feel like I am just crawling back for mistreatment by returning week, after week, after week. It brings out an ugly side in myself and an ineffectual side in her. Sometimes I think that our weaknesses play off of each other. We are very similar in some ways and I wonder about her ability to stay professional and effective when working with me.

I wonder if I should e-mail her or call her voice mail. Everyone else does that, but I never have. Does that mean she doesn't think I have deep needs? One time, I missed like a month of therapy, and when I showed up she said, "Oh, I thought you were just trying to take a break, so I didn't call" when in actuality I was having insurance problems and her office staff kept messing up my appointments. She has never even acknowledged or apologized to me for the multiple blatant mistakes in my billing.

I wonder if it is time for me to consider a referral. But then, I think, is that too extreme? But I am too scared of her to talk to her about my issues during session. I don't even get any quiet time to build up confidence or process what's going on. I don't know how to find a T without a referral, though, so do I have to ask her for one? In person or over the phone? Will I hurt her? Will she tell me I'm just acting out and this stuff is my fault, that it could've been addressed if I'd said something? Am I betraying her, hurting her by pushing away after all of this time together? Does that mean I can't form attachments with people? Is something wrong with me?

I think all of this, but nothing is said, it just rots inside of me, just beneath the surface.

Sorry, I know I complain and ramble in here. I am a little scared of myself at the moment and just need SOMEwhere to reach out.

It's Ok, Firefly- I am often in a similarly helpless-feeling place. However, you *do* have power, in that you have a voice, and the ability to say things. If you are having regular sessions with her, then you simply must speak your concerns- or if you are not finding it worth it to do that, then find a T who is a better match. Haha! It's easy for me to give advice, now, I should take my own! I feel like a total hypocrite saying this, since, if you've read my threads, I haven't managed to make myself do that myself, so many, many times. And it has probably wrecked my therapy. But even if you are really in a difficult place emotionally- all I'm saying is that it is *still possible* even if it doesn't feel like it. I wonder if you could voice some of these concerns if you asked her to turn her chair around? Or gave it to her in writing? Something.

I think the therapy is learning to do difficult things. Sometimes things that feel like they are really impossible. I'm in a battle like that of my own, different circumstances- but same concept. You can do it. You can find a way out of the mess you find yourself in, either by fixing things with your current T, or finding a T that is a better match for you. And it will be ok. I know how hard it is. It's really, really hard. One of the hardest things that you may have to face emotionally speaking. but if you do it, you *will* grow. Growing hurts like hell, but in the end it is worth it.

hug,

BB

deepfried--thank you for responding. I guess I just feel like everything I have to say would be only a cruel personal attack on her I wish I would say good things to her. It feels like, whatever I do, I drive people away.

blackbird--hah! thanks. you words are very comforting. I think I kind of wanted to hear, "Your T is totally messed up! You should switch!" But maybe it's okay you didn't say that.

I don't know. Sending her a brief, to-the-point e-mail seems to be the simplest way to move things along. Really, I'm just very upset about something that happened in her office in DECEMBER and I just want to talk about it, but instead we keep talking about everything BUT that. I'm embarrassed to say anything to her.

My T has never given me her e-mail address to send her an e-mail about my feelings. She gave it to me one time so I could send her some stuff about getting academic accommodations at school. It's 2 year later. Am I going to totally freak her out if I e-mail her? Is it inappropriate? Do I just have to talk to her during the sessions? I think she gave me that e-mail address before she realized how tumultuous and sensitive I actually am...

Uhgh, I just thought about it, and I realized I don't even know how often my T checks her e-mail. What if she didn't check it until AFTER my next session? That would be so awkward. I don't think I'm going to risk it. God, I hate not knowing what her boundaries/methods actually are. This forum hurts my brain now that I realize how so many other clients/Ts operate.

quote:

maybe you could email her, then call her and let you know you had stuff to say that you couldn't express so you wrote it?

I think this is a great idea. I do think Ts wait for us to take initiative on stuff that involves the T-client relationship. They may have a sense that something is off and not that they ignore it, but I do think they expect us to learn to trust to bring those things to the table and work through them. I've found it to be very good (although excruciating) practice to take those steps of faith.

Firefly,

I am deeply troubled by your T's comment that if you are silent, she will just read a book. It is her job to 1. allow you to be silent if that is what you need. and 2. Sit with you and be fully present with you in that silence. and 3. Engage her brain to figure out what that silence is saying.

Her comment is shocking to me. I would seek a consultation with another therapist and share what she said to you with this other therapist. I really think you need to hear from a professional just how unprofessional and harmful that comment from your T was.

Thanks, everybody, for responding. I don't really know what to think.

I might end up seeing another therapist, for pretty much unrelated reasons. I am supposed to have an appointment for Thursday, but I never received my automated 2-days notice reminder from the office today, so I am pretty sure that something has gone wrong. This has happened before. No automated reminder = no appointment, generally.

Something always keeps going wrong. With my appointment times, with the insurance, with charges on my bill. I'm pretty sure it isn't my T's fault--and I know one of the receptionists is having health issues--but it makes me feel like I can't count on having a session from week to week. And, it is inconvenient when I take time off work for an appointment only to find out my appointment has somehow disappeared.

Bummer, eh?

LadyGrey, I have been thinking about your response. I wonder if my T's comment has something to do with her type of therapy? She does primarily a mix of CBT/mindfulness therapy.

FF,

I'm certainly no expert, so let me just get that out in the open right away, lol....however, I do think if your T were doing CBT/Mindfulness, she wouldn't be telling you she is going to read a book but would instead show patience and just wait for you to talk. I think she would use awkward silence to get you to change your behavior rather than telling you she's just going to start reading a book. Its your therapy and you get out of it what you put into it and I understand thats a big part of CBT but she still needs to be present and available to you.

Firefly,
I do CBT too and it does seem that my T tends to say insensitive things as well without thinking what impact it would have on you.
I really do see the benefits of CBT but I also wonder whether the training for CBT is so much different- that some things are just not being addressed in training and so our Ts make those mistakes.
Also, my T doesn't like when I'm silent either. At least it seems that way because when I do get silent, she tries really hard to get me talking again. But maybe it's her way of checking whether I'm okay (no anxiety attack or something like that).
I'm going for a consult in the next 1-2 weeks, consult T is still on holiday so I have to wait. Can't hurt, right??

Well, I was right, there has been a mistake with my appointment. Apparently, I am scheduled for Tuesday. Which makes no sense because I remember 1) feeling relieved when I scheduled the appointment last Friday that I'd see my T in less than a week and 2) that I took time off work to go to the appointment today. Now, I can't go on Tuesday without pushing the envelope at my job by asking off work again.

This wouldn't be a big deal except that this kind of thing seems to be happening all of the time. Double-booking, scheduled appointments that disappear on me, appointment date mix-ups, random charges on my bill, issues surrounding who is responsible for handling insurance issues. I hate it. I'm tired of it.

I know that I am attached to my therapist. THAT is obvious. And I know I don't like feeling dependent on her. That's obvious, too.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of things going wrong logistically with my therapy that aren't all my fault. And I think I have a right to hear an apology from someone about all of the mix-ups that have been happening. I haven't received one.

Maybe my therapist & the people at the office don't think these errors are significant. Maybe they think it is all my fault and I'm just "acting out."

But *I* think it wouldn't be that hard for someone just to apologize. I DO think my therapist should acknowledge what is going on, and I do think that she should reach out to me in some way, even if it is just bring it up in session.

I feel additionally brushed off because I called her VM to ask if I was on her schedule, and she just had the office staff person call me, which would be fine except that once again--no acknowledgment of error on anyone else's part.

I left a message saying I can't go to the appoint on Tuesday and I canceled it. If my therapist cares at all, she can call me. I wish I knew how much of this is "transference" and how much of this is based in the real, here-and-now. I tend to self-invalidate, so I feel like if I'm this angry and have noticed this much of a pattern enough not to feel like its all my fault, then I think I'm probably right.

Which scares me and angers me and tires me.

I don't know whether to try starting with a new T or just waiting 4 months when I figure out where I will be living next (I may be moving to a different state, then). This sucks.

Firefly, I'm sorry there was a mix up with your appointments...how frustrating that must be especially if it keeps happening and you have to keep asking for time off work. I too think you have a right to an apology from the staff.

I hope your therapist does get back to you so you are able to sort out a new appointment time. It's a tough one if you are moving in 4 months, I guess it would depend on what you were looking to get out of the new relationship and if you would be able to cover it in that amount of time.

Butterfly

I think it is absolutely insensitive that your therapist's office is screwing up your appointment times so badly, and making it so hard for you to have a regualr appointment. grrrr! It is hard enough to get to therapy, without having to actually have to fight to get your needs met in this area.

With this in mind- I think you should explain everything that has happened to t=your T, how frustrated and judstifiably angry it has made you. If she invalidateds you or blows you off- then that means it is time to find a new therapist- imho. It can really be painful when they don't realize how importnat it is to feel cared for on the basic stuff that is their responsibility- like scheduling and payment needs. on the basic stuff they are *supposed* to take care of. I deal with the same, as my T is not very organized- and it is really awful, and makes me feel horribly neglected and triggered by him. I hope you will be able to find the strength inside to assert yourself, and ask that your legitimate needs in this area be taken care of. It might require raising your voice a bit, and clearly speaking that you *need* the appointment times when they were scheduled, and that you expect that to be filled as you have to take time off work. same with the billing stuff.

You deserve not just an apology, but also for these matters to be appropriately and professionally taken care of in future.

Thanks for the kind words, butterfly.

And, blackbird, now that I have calmed down a bit--yes, I think I should voice somehow to my therapist that things have gone wrong and actually explain how/why.

I will be gutsy and face the office staff again tomorrow (which I HATE DOING, I feel angry and humiliated talking to them), and I will cancel my appointment for Tuesday. Then, I will say that I can rescheduled at the times that fit MY schedule, which I will list.

If there are no appointments next week, then I am not going to schedule an appointment, because honestly three weeks is a long and painful time to wait after being used to weekly appointments and without any dialogue from my T.

At that point, I don't know what I will do. I will either send an e-mail (uhgh) or leave a message on my T's voice mail. "Hello therapist, I am leaving you this message because I am having trouble making an appointment with you that fits my work schedule. I have tried pushing around my schedule multiple times before in order to come to therapy, but it ends up resulting in a large amount of hardship for me. I make what are (to me) significant sacrifices to come to therapy, and I am upset by the issues I keep running into--random charges on my account, conflicting messages from different staff people about what I am actually responsible for insurance-wise, appointments that are not a the time I recall scheduling them for, and so on. This has hurt my confidence in therapy and in your reliability a lot. I am really angry at you and at the situation, but I don't actually want to stop therapy. Being unsure of where I'm going to be in four months, I don't actually know what is the best thing for me to do. I'd like some communication with you about the options available at this time. I hope to hear back from you."

Hah... but that is way too long for one VM recording, huh?!

nope- I'd just read it out on there. Good for you. You deserve the appointment times you have scheduled and taken time off work for. I think you would be really brave if you go ahead and make that point very clear.

Let us know how that goes...I hope she hears you and apologized, and that you don't lose anymore appointments over thier disorganization.

hug,

BB

IM SO BRAVE. I sent an e-mail.

It said:

"I'm having trouble scheduling any appointments that fit with my work schedule. It is pretty much finalized through [insert month] as [insert schedule]. For the
past few months I've tried just pushing my schedule around each week to
make it in to see you, but I keep running into issues that are getting
really hard for me to brush off--random charges on my account, conflicting
messages about my responsibilities as a client (insurance issues),
appointment time mix-ups, etc. I don't actually want to suddenly stop
coming in, but I don't know what to do about scheduling, and I am having a
hard time working it out on top of a loss of confidence in your & your
office's reliability. I'd like to communicate with you about this and find
out what my options are, preferably before I push my schedule around a
great deal again. Sorry to send this as an e-mail, though I do remember it
is like sending a postcard.


I'm sure she's not really going to respond via e-mail, and she'll probably just be like, "schedule an appointment when you can," but I'm glad I at least said something, even though I feel like I'm just going to feel bad about it later and it probably won't amount to much. This is really not my style at all and I'm not sure what is going to happen. I'm going to try to go outside and get busy with my day so I don't worry about it too much.