My week has been flat......................................................................................

Below the depression if that's possible? Hardly any thinking, hardly any feeling. I didn't know it was depression...didn't have much insight into how I've been. The P I'm seeing said it's PTSD and Major Depression. At least I'm well labeled and the insurance co. understands that.

(Oh, I really like that book....Dark Nights of the Soul, by Thomas Moore.....it's awesome....I believe it's a gift and I'm grateful it crossed my path. I highly recommend it to those feeling confused, overwhelmed, depressed, to anyone in a major life transition, illness, BURNOUT etc......he takes a very different approach than others and as a result I think I'm more accepting of where I'm at, not fighting it tooth and nail, instead, trying to allow it to just do it's thing....maybe I'll learn something )

But getting back to the nitty gritty....Trying to be adult and responsible totally sucks. I still want to be a kid ...as kids should be - FREE - no cares believing that summers last forever, that mom and dad are rich and they'll live forever, I want to be a kid - not awake nights stewing with worries, watching parents get weaker with age and illness, and no high blood pressure pills, hellish jobs or decisions to make. I'm done with being responsible. I say to hell with it. I'm Off to some south pacific island..... maybe I'll find Gilligan, MaryAnn, the Professor.....hey, you never know ... ......surfacing for air.

Hope you all have a good wknd

Karie

Hi Karie,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling this week.

quote:

I still want to be a kid ...as kids should be - FREE - no cares believing that summers last forever, that mom and dad are rich and they'll live forever, I want to be a kid

If only it were all so easy as going back to that time in childhood where everything seemed to be alright. Somehow you'd still end up as an adult with responsibilities! It's really some freakin cruel joke I think!

quote:

I say to hell with it. I'm Off to some south pacific island

I think that you shouldn't travel there alone .. so lemme know when your going and I'll come along too You might need some brave butch chick to keep you safe from the island natives LMAO

{{{KARIE}}} If you wanna chat, or have a laugh, you know where to find me

Be well!

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Karie and Holly,

Hey, I'm in too! Which island are we going to?

I totally hear what you guys are saying about not wanting to be a grown up. It just doesn't seem fair, all of the responsibilities that we have. It's just too much at times.

Karie,

Sorry you're so depressed. What does your P suggest doing about it?

catgirl

Sounds like Gilligan's Island!
Where oh where is IHTS !!! Youuuu whooooo KARIE ... when are we leaving !?!?!?!

CG, I wonder if she left without us!?!?!

Ha! you two are funny.

Yep, Gilligans Island appeals to me....more than southern Ontario at the moment.
Wouldn't it be awesome to just slip away into some make believe place,.....and stay there!!!?

Yeah, depression describes it pretty well, I guess. My shrink hasn't said to do anything about it...other than she has increased my sessions to 3x/wk and the week before last I saw her 4x. I figure she already knows I wouldn't take any meds anyway....I'm a rather unusual psych nurse....I'm quite against the medication route... I've used them and they haven't helped, only made me worse....I'm not terribly compliant either

Just wanted to say as well, PACK YOUR SUITCASES....cause if things get any more messy I might make a quick exit to the island (pretty well any island will do as long as its far away and warm!!). I'll post a message and let you know I'm coming and you can jump on the train out of here too.....actually might be nice if we took a truck load of friends along with us .

Karie

Karie,

I think that I'm at a point where if we (Manitoba) could EVER get a temperature over 22 degrees, I'd hike a few trails in a Provincial Park and find myself a secluded little beach where I can just sit and be alone .. somewhere you can scream at the top of your lungs and no one will bother you! Mind you, that might really suck if I slip off a rock, and fall into a brisk moving lake and get sucked into the falls or something!! Maybe I better rethink the 'going alone' part!!!

I'll be packed woman !!!

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Holly, sounds like what I did today.

I went with a friend to a nat'l park, where we hiked into this gorge, and went swimming in the river at the bottom of the gorge. At one point, we were all alone at the swimming hole. I yelled at the top of my lungs, threw my clothes off, and jumped in. I'm glad the current didn't take me away. That would have been weird to be swept downstream naked.

When we go to Gilligan's island, or wherever, we can all do stuff like this. You guys will have to go out of your way to get me though. Hey, maybe you'll want to stay here. The weather's nice.

Karie,
I hope the increased sessions help. I'm on anti-depressants, myself. I'm only taking a small dose, 5 mgs/day. It is what's helping me remain stable. I guess the meds react differently with everyone, though. Keep us posted as to how it's going.

catgirl

Damn CG, did you have to tell me you went swimming NAKED!!!??? You keep changing how I look (or don't look) at you!!! Karie, I think we might have to bypass 'sunny California' on our way to the island .. CG sounds like she MIGHT be a BAD influence on us Canucks!! LMAO And CG, QUIT braging about the weather out there! It makes me wanna cry, I'm going to have to talk about this in my session now, so if I start to cry I can 'feel' it and experience it with my P so she doesn't feel left out. Sheesh, all this planning around feelings - no wonder they say Therapy is hard work!!

CT, I'd rather not be on any meds too, that's why I took myself off of the Effexor so quick. It doesn't make sense to me to make it harder to get help, by being in a medicated state where you can't 'feel' even if you wanted to. Be strong woman .. you will get through .. I have a funny feeling we all will

Gee, skinny dipping out in the wild......sounds like a cure for depression to me! That is just plain teasing to post a delightful experience like that CG!
And poor Holly stuck there in Manitoba's cold weather in June .....

Today I'm packing. I signed a lease on an apt this morning and the people move into my house June 30.
It has been weird trying to figure out the next step for me....I SO MUCH wanted to leave this town. But there are no jobs...at least for me right now.....there's a hiring freeze on with this stupid recession.. so I'm going to try and do my job for another year. I hope to take a couple more months off before going back to work. My boss wants to go out for lunch again this week. Guess she needs to see me in the flesh to check out my affect etc. Whatever.

I miss my shrink. gee....don't want to tell her that but I had a lousy day and evening last night wishing she'd come back. It's attachment junk raising its ugly head. I see her Wednesday - not sure what she'll think about my decision to stay. I'm ticked off that she took off for a week and didn't help me with this decision...it's opposite to what I've been planning toward and she's been supporting me to do. Last time we were together she said to expect the same results if I go back because the job would wear the healthiest person down... we both might pay for it if I've made the wrong choice . (That's weird....I realize I'm trying to protect her from being affected by my stuff ....I used to do that with my mom when I was a kid).

Itshardtosay (for sure)

Hi Karie,

Packing must be pretty hard for you right now. I must have missed something along the way .. I thought you had a job to go to and and an apartment in another town already? Duh, not sure how I came up with that! Sorry to hear that you will be going beck to your job, it's tough to know that there is an impending date of return coming. Do you not have LTD with your job? I used my sick time up at work, then went on Sick benefits (stress) through EI for 15 weeks to carry me through to the date that I could apply for LTD. There are options for you if you aren't ready to go back to work!

It sounds like your T is thinking like my P was when we were talking about me going back to work. She said that I'd be right back at square one, and possibly worse if soemthing traumatic or overly stressful was to occur again. I wanted to get back to my job, so when it came time for me to return, I had to get 'clearance' paperwork done by all of the Dr.s involved in my case before they would give me my clients back (darn gov't jobs!). I convinced my GP (against her better judgement) to complete it and okay me for return, but The shrink said NO WAY and wrote that she couldn't clear me for return for an indefinate period of time. It was that referal that resulted in my having to quit and look at retraining. SUX TO BE ME !!!! But anyway, my long wided point is that you have options if you don't feel that you are ready to return!

ACK, my P goes on a 9 day holiday in 4 days!!! Only one more session ... I think I'll die! EEK, and my partner is going away for a week of it too .... You guys better keep me company so I don't get into trouble or go crazy!

TTYL peeps!

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Hi,

Yeah, I thought I might get that job in the town I want to move to....but I didn't get it. I applied for 2 other positions and heard 0. Guess, I'm not so in demand. I haven't told the girl yet who I was going to board with that I've changed my mind.

YEaaaaaaah...I don't know if/when my P will allow me to go back to work. Gee. (The recent raise is calling me.) But getting my head around going back is taking time...I can hardly imagine walking back in there let alone carrying my case load again. hmmm.

I didn't think that they might not let me go back I will know better tomorrow after I see her (P) and tell her my idea. Too late, though for just moving back to my parents place.....I signed a lease here yesterday.

Aahhh...this is life.

9 days Holly!.....that is quite a long time. Maybe you could make it into a holiday and do something you normally wouldn't for you? or Maybe you could just go nuts with that much time on your hands??
I'm glad for this board too....it helps talking eh? We'll talk lots next week or maybe take that trip to Gilligan's.....

Karie

Hey Karie

quote:

9 days Holly!.....that is quite a long time

It's not THAT bad, it's only nine days not like it's 9 sessions LOL Wah, either way it sucks! She had to bring it up yesterday when we were talking about my dependency on her .. I swear she said it to see what my reaction would be! THE EVIL WOMAN

quote:

I don't know if/when my P will allow me to go back to work. Gee. (The recent raise is calling me.) But getting my head around going back is taking time...I can hardly imagine walking back in there let alone carrying my case load again.

I hear you loud and clear about that raise business .. the union just settled our contract three days before I had to resign so we were looking at a significant increase, and I sure wouldn't have had to worry about my crazy spending habits like I am now! The back pay for a year and a half will be nice when it gets here in July Anyway, enough about money ... ! Just make sure you take your time getting your head around going back to work. I found that I was having mild panic attacks just meeting with my boss to discuss all of the paper work that needed to be done before I could return. THAT should have been a sign for me right there. Have you thought about what you might want to do if your P says NO WAY!?

quote:

Maybe you could make it into a holiday and do something you normally wouldn't for you? or Maybe you could just go nuts with that much time on your hands?? I'm glad for this board too....it helps talking eh? We'll talk lots next week or maybe take that trip to Gilligan's

I dunno what I'll do that week but .... rumor has it that CatGirl wants us to come to her pvt watering hole out there in Sunny California! I think if I could get a sitter to watch my brother I'd be all over her that invitation! LMFAO Sorry, CG, I couldn't resist But it might be as much fun as a trip to Gillies Island Mwa hahaha

Seriously, with the P gone and the partner I might go nuts (nuttier). There isn't anywhere to go because I'll be home taking care of my brother. Hopefully the sun comes out and I'll be able to tan my days away and work on some carving projects I started BEFORE my breakdown last July. Gee saying that makes me think that a year ago I was probably driving to a clients home in tears and wanting to crash my car into a pole at 100 kmh to avoid the fear and anxiety I was feeling! I'm glad those days are few and far between now!

Yeah, so in otherwords .. I'll be on here A LOT!

Well, on that note I should go plant some things in the garden and beds incase the freakin sun actually comes out tomorrow. I hate Manitoba!!

Talk soon!

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quote:

Originally posted by HollyBaby0:
She had to bring it up yesterday when we were talking about my dependency on her .. I swear she said it to see what my reaction would be! THE EVIL WOMAN

She probably did!

My therapist is going on vacation for two weeks. He's been mentioning it every single session for a couple of months now until I finally fessed up to being scared and worried about it.

Hey Heather

Yeah, she did say it on purpose to see what I'd say .. and I said I had been thinking about it, but didn't tell her how hard I really feel it's going to be. But I guess we'll live in the end eh Heather !

calling ....{ { H O L L Y } }....you still have that one session left to tell her how hard it's gonna be !!!