Hey MTF.. My internet access is very spotty, so I probably won't be able to give a proper reply for a few days. But I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you were able to have such a direct conversation with your T. Keep us updated with you! I may not reply yet, but I'll be reading! (Thank goodness for my BlackBerry!)

((((((MTF)))))))
Thanks for the update, I am so glad that it went so well. You are doing the very difficult work of healing. May I add my praise to how courageous you were to be so open with your T and risking having her see you. But this is exactly how we heal, by daring to expose our true selves with all our feelings and have that be accepted and valued. You're right, the fears and doubts will come back but now you've experienced moving through them, reconnecting and even being able to realize it's not all about now. That is now part of you and will make it just a smidgen easier for next time. And I'm so glad that you're finding the support you need here. This is actually the whole point of the healing, that we learn that in our humanity we yearn for connection and that being able to be known and connected is what comforts us and helps to deal with the inevitable pain of life. This is a good place to start with other people who understand just how scary that reaching out can be. So thank you for sharing how much it has meant to you because that helps all of us to see how this works and how important that is. And I'm really glad "UBER" worked for you.

AG

MTF,
Thank you for updating us. I am so glad to hear you were able to assertively put your thoughts out there and that she responded in a way that felt good.

quote:

I told her all about the negative reactions I've been getting from her since session one every time my attachment issues are brought up, the reactions I mentioned in my letter last session that she didn't get around to or bother to address for me. She seemed surprised at how much these reactions had affected me and said she wasn't even aware of the fact that she had reacted in the ways I described, although I STILL have a hard time believing that she doesn't remember how cold and withdrawn, slmost fearful she was after I initially told her I was attached to her--it was so obvious anyone would have noticed it.

I think you need to listen to your instincts here. The feelings you are getting are coming from somewhere (her/you/combination of both?) and hold important information. Keep talking about this with her. I recently read somewhere that while it so difficult for us to trust our T's, that they also need to be able to trust us, and that takes time as well.

The other thing I wanted to say was - ooooh what our imaginations can do with just a hint of what feels like rejection - and especially the day before our sessions. It happens so often to me and I know others here have talked about experiencing it. I either start feeling numb or tell myself my feelings are ridiculous and run through the possible reactions overt and hidden that my T may have if I manage to get any of them out there - which causes me to react to the imagined feelings I have created for my T and I start to believe them and get angry, sad, hurt etc. over feelings I have to the imagined responses I have come up with for her! Wow - and I ever really wondered why I am in therapy.
Glad you are feeling better and hope you got some sleep!

I wanted to reply to everyone individually, as I appreciate each of you taking the time out of your lives to respond to my cry for help. Thank you!


Amazon:

I feel that my trust with her is growing a lot, and thank you for the reminder that she did indeed pass the last test with flying colors. I feel she cares about me and our attachment to each other is important to her as she knows that's where my healing will occur. For now I will stick with her and work on fixing the trust issues. Thanks for your support!


SG:

quote:

When you first described her response, there was something about it that bugged me and you just put your finger on it. It seemed a little much...and this is why. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to take care of her. She is supposed to meet all of her needs outside of your therapy, including the need to have you soothe her when she's upset. That's a subtle one though because she was upset with herself about not meeting your needs...tricky, tricky. But you caught it.

I have a hard time in all of my relationships with knowing my part vs. their part. It is especially tricky when I'm so emotionally caught up in the relationship like I am with my T. I'm learning though what I have to take care of, and that's big for me. I'm seeing that I'm getting better at recognizing what's hers and what's mine and it feels good to be getting there! I appreciate you backing me up!


seablue:

You're right about it being important for me to not disregard my own feelings and concerns and I'm getting more and more courage as I go when I bite the bullet and take the risk to put my stuff out there for her and then see that the reaction I get is not what I expected or feared. It's been such a challenging but rewarding experience to go through. Part of me is so pleased with myself, but another part of me is still waiting for the ugly stuff to come out (even though it maybe never will and it's just past stuff playing with my mind). Thank you for encouraging me along the way!


Kashley:
I think we're all pretty blinded to the objective perspective of our relationships with our Ts.

quote:

I inevitably convince myself that I am the one doing whatever is wrong. I think it has so much to do with the trust we put in them, because they are truly privileged people in our lives for us to give them our trust.

That's so easy for all of us, to think it's always us that are the ones doing 'wrong'. And yeah, we give them a lot by putting our trust in them. Kind of scary, but really important to our growth and healing. Unfortunately I've been seeing 'red flags' for a while now because I put my T on a pedestal from right off the bat (I do that quite easily with AFs) and she fell off it all by herself very early on. I think we're on a pretty good path now, but I am definitely not blind to the fact that I still need to keep an eye out for future red flags. Thanks!


Monte:

I really appreciate that you 'normalized' my head for me here:

quote:

Oh and your mind sounds a little like mine with the same 24/7 preoccupation. I get stuck in a constant inner dialogue with my T. I wake up in the middle of the bloody night and the conversation is still happening! WTF!?

I thought I had OCD, but no longer think that's it because you've defined it for me as something else. Thank you! Also, I hadn't realized that I was really coming down off a 'high' with my T and experiencing withdrawals. You have a great way of putting my experience into perspective for me here and I appreciate it a lot. Especially the part about our Ts. I need a good reality check from time to time! Thank you!!


MH:

Yeah, pain is pain, one way or the other, isn't it? It sucks!! I would love a cure to the 'elephant-in-the-room' dilemma. It's getting so old I feel like it should have died by now, but alas, I feel it may live on indefinitely. Guess that's just another demon to face and keep hacking away at! Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.


BB:

Yes, that attempt to discern whether it's us or our Ts responses that are creating all the confusion and such is a struggle. I'm glad I'm not alone in this, although I'm sad that so many of us share in the same feelings of confusion as well. Thank you for your kind words of support, they mean a lot!


TN:

quote:

My T likes to tease me that it's interesting that I can tell him exactly how he feels but none of it is true.

Too funny, but really I guess it's not funny at all. I'm a major mind-reader and make so many assumptions and jump to so many conclusions. I'm really starting to learn through this that I DO NOT KNOW what my T thinks and it's not fair to either of us to assume that I do.

Thanks for the input about the disorganized attachment. I bought "Attachment in Psychotherapy" per your suggestion but haven't really dug into it yet. I have been too consumed by all of this stuff with my T, but know that understanding myself better in the attachment theory perspective would likely be helpful to me right now. You hit the nail on the head that I want to both run to her and run away at the same time. Scary and confusing to want both simultaneously.

quote:

It's certainly not easy and yes, therapy gets really, painfully hard and gut wrenching before you feel better.

Gee, given where I'm at right now, that's not too comforting a thought! But I am going to stick it out and hope it gets better in the long run! Thanks, TN!!


Jones:

Thank you so much for your compliments, I am flattered! For me, I got to a place in life that I realized that truly change had to happen for me, that I was/am tired of being stuck in a place that isn't working for me and that in order to get out of that place I truly have to ante up and face the pain and be uncomfortable and do like the sign in my T's office says and "Put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!!" I hated that sign when I first went into her office, but it has a new meaning for me now, and I love it! And what you and AG are saying is true; NOW is the time to fix and work on relationships and fix our lives. Not in the future but NOW. I've always been a MAJOR procrastinator of everything important, but I'm feeling a sense of urgency to do something and do it NOW. I don't want to have lots of regrets and heartache and sorrow for all of the yesterdays that went by that could have been something better. We should do what we can while we can, because we never know what life will bring us. Thanks for that reminder!!


AG:

Thanks for the praise! Coming from a veteran (and I mean that in only the most loving way! ) it means a lot! I've loved reading your posts from a few years ago up through now and seeing how much change and growth you've experienced and that has encouraged me so much to really push myself to go for it, despite the fears I have. It's success stories like yours that help me realize that sitting on the sidelines hoping for some magic pill to cure me or thinking that my T can somehow 'fix' me on her own are really complete fantasies that will never come true. It's going to take a lot of hard work and facing some ugly and painful stuff, but in the end it's totally worth it, and earning that growth myself is how I will really heal the best! Thank you for being such a great support to me, and to all of us here! I so very much appreciate it!!


seablue:

I appreciate you mentioning that I need to listen to my instincts about how I feel in regard to my Ts negative reactions and the fact that she claims she doesn't remember reacting that way. There really was something to it, and I have been trying to sort it out and feel like I'm getting some insights, and hope that by the time I see her next I'll have the courage to talk with her about it again. She seemed a bit bugged that I was hammering the topic to death last time, but the perceived irritation was only very slight and faint and fleeting, so if I approach it a bit differently I hope I can get further with it this next time. I won't let it go, I assure you, because my mind won't let me!

quote:

Wow - and I ever really wondered why I am in therapy.

ROFLOL !! You're not alone!!!


Thanks again, everyone!!

MTF