I added this to the end of my "How can I trust T again?" thread, but I need some help. Kashley gave some good insight, and I appreciate it. I am seriously caught in a nasty cycle right now and can't get myself to a better place and I'm really freaked out!!! My T just called this morning to remind me of our session tomorrow (this is her routine). She sounded distant again, all back to business like I'm just another one of her many other patients, super short to-the-point "your appointment's at ten, does that still work for you? See you tomorrow" things. I'm getting really angry. I'm feeling so disconnected, which sucks after having felt more connected with her last session than I have ever really felt with any other human being in my life, period. I hate that I only see her twice a month, yet can't really fix that because of insurance reasons. I have this feeling I'm going to go in there and she's going to act like she can't remember anything having happened between us (meaning she's going to put on some act that things are like they were before it all happened and that my feelings and issues are going to be avoided again) and that she is going to play the forgetful therapist and I'm going to waste the first 10-15 minutes bringing her up to speed on where I'm at. Actually if that's what happens I think I'll just shut down and tell her that it's her turn to figure out what's going on, or maybe I'll even get the guts to just get up and walk out on her. Something inside me feels like tomorrow the bomb is going to go off--the one that tells me that I've been in denial that this woman really cannot and is not going to help me, that I'm going to have to leave her and find a new therapist. Frankly I'm scared as hell to go tomorrow, almost worse that last session where I had to read my big scary letter. I've been fighting myself with all of the strength I can possibly muster to make this work, and somewhere I just feel that it's not going to work. I don't know if I'm just doubting, if it's the whole trust issue, if it's the disconnect/separation thing, if it's her lack of honesty/openness, if it's my fears/uncertainties about what I think she thinks about me, or what? And at the rate that things are getting resolved (super slowly) I feel like it's going to take an eternity to get somewhere with this and my life has been literally at a standstill for 4 months now because this "relationship" has taken over my life and I don't get anything else done. I'm all consumed by it, night and day. I get to bed at 1 or 2 a.m. because my mind is busy worrying about my relationship with my T and what I am going to do about it, what's really going on, how are things going to get fixed, etc., etc., etc....It's literally making me crazy and I'm starting to wonder if therapy is helping me or harming me (I think it's the latter). I feel like I've actually been traumatized by all of this and wonder if I should seek healing through another therapist. I feel at least ten times worse today than I felt when I entered therapy six months ago, and something tells me that is just all wrong. I realize therapy can be painful, but where do you draw the line between healthy pain and unhealthy pain? I seriously feel like tomorrow I might go into her office and literally explode at her because I'm beginning to feel some real anger, and that's not really me. I'm not usually angry, although I'm starting to see that I have a LOT of anger that has been repressed and bottled up for SO so long. I don't want to scare my T, but I feel like she is just so clueless or something. I don't know WHAT she is. Annoying, to say the least. It's hard to say that too. To go from idealizing someone and "loving" them and thinking they are the greatest person on the earth to suddenly thinking they are a hurtful, cruel, untrustworthy, maybe even malicious. I hate feeling this way and having all of these doubts and maybe even being completely paranoid. I wish I could see this all clearly and be rid of the fear and anxiety this all brings. I just want my life back. I want to be a mother to my boys and feel like I can be a HEALTHY mother, not a dysfunctional one. My house is such a disaster, and I have no desire to do anything to fix it. I don't take care of myself at all, and most days I sit here all day, in my pajamas, or at best--dressed but with my hair unkempt and no make-up on. My dishes sit in the sink until right before my husband comes home from work, and I manage to get only the bare minimum done. I wonder how people that have a family and a full-time job or school actually live!! UGH!! I just want to be able to function, and my T isn't really helping me get there. Is that too high an expectation that I have of her? My depression today is worse than it was before I started on medication in October, and I'm on my 3rd medication with none of them having worked so far. Can you tell I'm getting to the end of my rope!?

Anyway, if you're listening and have got this far, thanks. I just feel pretty alone these days... If anyone has any words of wisdom or helpful advice, I would REALLY appreciate it because I can't seem to bring myself back to reality and feel grounded right now and it's bordering on panic attack scary. Thanks...

MTF

More than Fine

I was just about to post on your other thread when I saw this one, so here’s the reply I wrote.

It’s pretty obvious your T has cocked up big time and hasn’t appreciated just how traumatic the effect of that has been on you. That she was in tears about it scares me I have to admit - I can just see how that would hook you into feeling that you have somehow hurt her and now you’re afraid of making her feel worse.

My instinctive thought on reading your last post was to go with your anger - use it to get you in there and confront her openly right from the start of the session about everything you’ve been feeling and thinking as a result of her actions and words, and make a point of getting her to clarify exactly what’s been going on. (This doesn’t mean you have to be openly confrontational, just that you need to be on your side and stick it out until you are satisfied one way or the other.) I’m saying that because it sounds as if you are fully prepared to just walk out the door - but I think it’s more important that you get some clarity and certainty otherwise it will remain unresolved and you’ll suffer because of that.

My impression is that if you are able to hold your ground tomorrow and really stick to what you need to hear from her, chances are your relationship could actually improve out of sight. You describe feeling traumatized by this, my thought is that if you are able to work through and get proper resolution with the actual person who’s done the traumatizing - how much stronger that would make both you and the relationship. But that of course is totally dependent on how she responds to you tomorrow. I don’t mean go in with every intention of giving her lots of chances, but basically of not being prepared to take any bullshit from her while at the same time expecting some proper and satisfactory answers and responses.

I am really hoping that the way you are feeling has been clouded by some of your own fears and unmet expectations of her, and that tomorrow you will find that she is going to be as open and honest and responsive as you’ve been (rightly) expecting of her all along. But if she isn’t, then you will know you have been right about her, and you can get out if you need to before she does any more damage.

By the way I wouldn’t put too much store in her abrupt and distant phone call (much as a more concerned and caring approach would have been infinitely preferable.) There may be a 101 different reasons for her cold attitude, none of which have anything to do with you - the one that springs to mind is that she is waiting to see you face to face before going into the stuff of last session, not wanting to stir anything up on the phone beforehand (if that makes sense?) Just being objective there, because I know if it were me I would have expected a smile in the voice, some warmth at least even a comment like looking forward to seeing you (but again, because this rift is about attachment and your apparent ‘dependency’ she may well feel she would be treading dangerously to show anything much beyond a strictly professional approach on the phone.). Just some thoughts.

All the best for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes? And hang in there ok? You can get through this, it’s a matter of making up your mind to sort it out one way or the other tomorrow, and trying not to overthink it too much tonight. Maybe writing out all the things you want to say and ask will help? :big hug:

Hi again MTF. I've got to go off forum now so just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and will be backing you all the way in my thoughts right through to tomorrow and beyond. Please be easy on yourself, none of this is your fault :hug:

Hey MTF,

I'm so glad that you were able to find something in my ramblings that was helpful to you...I hate that you're hurting so much over this. I second everything Lamplighter said. Please keep us updated on how tomorrow goes! I so hope that you can get what you need, because you definitely deserve it.

Hang in there, and remember that you can unload on here any time.

Hi Lamplighter!

I'm a few days late, but I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond to my call for help. I was able to get in there and talk to her about all of my issues (well, most of them) and things weren't as bad as I'd imagined them to be (surprise, surprise!). Most things got resolved, and I know in time the rest will be, too.

quote:

My impression is that if you are able to hold your ground tomorrow and really stick to what you need to hear from her, chances are your relationship could actually improve out of sight. You describe feeling traumatized by this, my thought is that if you are able to work through and get proper resolution with the actual person who’s done the traumatizing - how much stronger that would make both you and the relationship. But that of course is totally dependent on how she responds to you tomorrow. I don’t mean go in with every intention of giving her lots of chances, but basically of not being prepared to take any bullshit from her while at the same time expecting some proper and satisfactory answers and responses.

She was really understanding about the fact that I feel traumatized by all of this and asked if I wanted to be transferred to a new T. That was hard, but I know she wants what is best for me and she said she didn't want me to stay just because I was afraid of hurting her feelings if I left. Our relationship is getting stronger through all of this talking openly about things, and although I didn't take any 'bullshit' from her, I still have a smidgen of doubt about her being totally honest (maybe with herself even) about her reaction to me when I told her I was attached to her back in December. She said she doesn't remember December and wasn't aware that she reacted that way. Honestly I don't know how she could not remember it, as anyone who knows her would have been aware that she was not acting in character. So I will keep at it, trying to figure it out, bringing it up with her until she decides that she's sick and tired of me slamming her with it and she'll have some sort of memory recall , or decide to admit to something and talk about it, or transfer me because she can't deal with me anymore, or my brain decides it's not worth it and just lets go of it.

Thank you for being so supportive and taking the time to write such a helpful post to me. I really appreciate the encouragement--it means a lot!!