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This message has been edited. Last edited by: monte,

Hi Monte
Oh I wish I had more time but work is calling. It is so good to have you back and you need give no explanations to us. I think we all totally understand and have probably had the same fears ourselves. This forum can be an outet for our deepest thoughts and feelings so no wonder you need to be sure of your identity being protected and respected.
I have missed your contributions - have to dash (darn ) but lovely to see you post again.

stsarfish

OH MONTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you're back!!! You had me worried and I'm glad that you're okay! Whew!! No, I'm pretty sure that noone could check out who you are on here (other than through your own computer if you stay logged on to the site and they go onto the site through the web browser history), so don't worry about that.

I know what you mean about disclosing stuff about yourself on here. It is hard, but for me it almost seems like therapy in and of itself, and since I only see my T twice a month it keeps me from totally falling apart! I think we can all relate a little at least to what you were feeling and I know that you were pretty stressed about going back to see your T after such a long break. I hope you've not been hard on yourself about all of this. It's good that you did what you felt you needed to do to feel safe when you weren't feeling safe. It makes sense.

Glad to hear you're still seeing your T and pushing yourself to work at it. Please let us know how you've been when you feel like it. I'm so glad you're back, and hope you feel safe enough to stick around! I've missed you...

MTF

Welcome back Monte!!!!!!!!!!

quote:

the act of letting people know so many personal details about my life made me feel so terribly uncomfortable. It felt dangerous in a completely irrational way. I even felt like my T would be angry that I am writing about him and posting it for the world to see. And then I was getting paranoid about my responses to other people’s posts and o-o-o-h-h…it just got too hard.

I've been there, I've been there. I go through this pretty regularly, just recently again as a matter of fact. Sometimes it's all I can do not to delete all my posts and bolt. So I very much understand how you were feeling...but I'm so glad you decided to come back! I missed you.

quote:

I held my hand up and said, “I’m not finished.”

I'm going to do a CT here and say "High-five!" Great job sticking up for yourself, Monte. And you did it so gracefully. I am so impressed too. That was awesome.

quote:

I can ‘hear’ things I missed the first time. I make connections. I hear where I’ve missed his point the first time.

That's pretty cool that you can go back and listen again. Wish I could have done something like this with my former T. I kept a journal which was pretty good but a recording would have been better.

quote:

I am very honest in writing but unbearably self-conscious and tongue-tied in person.

Me too. Kudos to you for working on this and on your eye contact. Very tough stuff!!

quote:

he offered no reassurance that it would ever be anything other than a counseling relationship. Gosh that hurts. Over the years he has made offers and I have interpreted them to mean there is some permanency beyond the therapeutic relationship on offer if I want to pursue it. Well I interpreted incorrectly. It hurts…as you would all understand. I feel angry that I have been somewhat mislead...even though it may be my fault for assuming too much and not checking out facts.

{{{{{Monte}}}}} It sounds to me like you interpreted what he said in the past absolutely correctly, and it was not your fault at all. He made a mistake in offering more to you beyond the therapeutic relationship, and it sounds like he is trying to correct his mistake now. I can really understand why that hurts, and why you feel angry, because you really were misled. But...and I know you know this...in the long run it would have hurt you much, much more if any of that ever would have been acted upon. Other members here have been hurt by T's who relaxed the boundaries, even though it felt good at the time (IHTS, CT for examples), and I think all of us at one time or another would go for the extras if they were offered...which is why it is so important for our T's to hold those boundaries. For your sake I'm really, really glad he's putting those boundaries back where they should have been in the first place. But your anger and hurt about it is totally understandable and I hope you keep talking to him about that. And us too, if it helps.

quote:

He also said sometimes he is a bit ‘thick’, in the way men are...ie, doesn’t pick up hints, subtleties in expression etc but that he hopes I persevere with him. I think he’s adorable and I trust him.

Wow. Based on everything you've said, it sounds like you have the foundations of a fantastic therapeutic relationship with this guy and will be able to do all kinds of good work and healing. I'm glad too that you are seeing him weekly now, and I look forward to hearing more about how it's going.

So good to have you back Monte!!

SG

WELCOME BACK!!!! Missed reading your posts so I am glad you are back!

Wow, Monte! I'm so proud of you!! You are making GREAT strides!! It sounds like you have really anted up and are getting "kick-butt" about your therapy. Way to go, lady!! I echo everything SG said and I am sure that the whole boundaries thing really hurts (I know cause I'm there myself), but at least you know where they are and can learn to deal with them, even though that's hard to do. It sounds like your T knows what he's doing, and knows himself and you, and those are super important; and the facts that you think he's adorable and that you can trust him aren't bad, either! Keep us posted! You're doing a fantastic job!!!

MTF

Monte,
I don't think we have 'met.' I am new here. Just wanted to say that I am glad you are OK and have decided to come back! I can definitely relate to your fear of being identified here. I have this huge fear that my T will find me and see what I have written about her. I often think how I would feel more comfortable if the forum were a little more private, but I relate so well to everyone here that I decided to take the chance. Freaks me out just talking about it though.
Wow - recording your sessions is very brave (because it would be really hard to face listening to myself!). I can see how valuable having the opportunity to listen again would be. I even find that after listening to a VM twice there are times I get a very different feel the 2nd time.
Anyway - Welcome Back!!

Hi Monte!!! It is SO awesome you came back, I have missed you! (I do understand completely though you're feelings in disappearing. I'm so glad you took the risk to come back.)

I am glad that you are able to engage more in therapy and open up. I was going to write a much longer reply, but I'm just going to say "dittos" to SGs post (I've been doing that alot lately, it's restful posting after SG. )

HAPPY DANCE!

Welcome back, Monte! It is reassuring to hear from you. I just want to apologize in case my thread on "Does Your T Know You Post on the Forum?" played any role in scaring you from coming back sooner. I myself have had times of what might be described as irrational fear about posting here. For example, in mid-February it suddenly occurred to me that maybe posting stuff about my therapy was being disloyal to my T, especially since I had never asked her "permission" to discuss our session content with others, and yet I expect complete confidentiality from her on her part. For awhile I felt like I had betrayed her with a double standard, lost her respect, and ruined my therapy. But when I "confessed" to my T about what I had done, she assured me that she was not offended or concerned, that she realized I probably needed to do a lot of processing after our sessions, and that the forum was a good place to do that. And besides, she reminded me that this is MY process, not hers. So it is my call whether I want to share it with others. But the anonymity of the forum is still very important, or most of us wouldn't risk it. Anyway, glad you are back!

Welcome back Monte. I too am new here and oh so worried about someone finding out who I am. I know the chances are slim to none but that doesn't make it any easier. I have to figure if they are here, then they are for the same reasons I am.

smiley

Monte! I'm so happy to see you back. I relate, oh, how do I relate. I've often almost done the same myself, and like, you, can't promise I never will bolt! But I am glad that you are able to do whatcha goota do, as others have said to feel safe. That is very important. But, gosh, I am glad to see you back!

BB

Nice to see you back Monte. And really good that you are getting somewhere positive with your T.

Welcome back, Monte!

Hi Monte,

First, thanks for your post to me in my thread yesterday about my issues with my T. Your words helped me a lot! I'm reading your words here

quote:

But it's everything about his willingness to make all this doable and his encouragement of my efforts and acknowledgement of my pain. So at present when I picture him, he has this glow about him that looks disturbingly halo-like.

The problem is...gosh...the nicer they are like that, the more they hook you. I worry about the dependance thing, that adoration thing. It's painful. I worry about connecting deeply with him and the ensuing pain. He is guiding me toward deep and meaningful connection with him...not in an inappropriate way, in a therapeutic context, but he is so human and accessible I can see problems on the horizon for me. I have known him for so long...going on 14 years. He says things like "We've known each other a long time and so blah-blah-blah..." referring to trust and vulnerability etc. It just puts this longing in your heart. Has anyone ever felt that? LOL!!!ROFL

and they are resonating with me 100%. Scary, especially since you mentioned that you and I have similar issues with our 24/7 preoccupation with our Ts, and when you said that you have a continuous internal dialogue with your T, even when you wake in the middle of the night. I was shocked to find that someone else has the same issue. Thank you for admitting to being as crazy as I am ! LOL After my session with my T today (and last session especially) I worry about the same things as you describe above. It's scary, isn't it? How we can make these people so wonderful (more so than they already are) and important to us and become so dependent on them? Yeah, I worry about having connected so deeply with my T last session, and today she revealed to me that for her that connection was emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Whoa. That scared me because I can't have any real relationship with her, and that is what I want. She's guiding me toward a deeper connection with her, too. She gave me a hug again after our session today and that makes me so happy inside (at the time) but also makes me scared that when I have to leave her it's going to crush me and I'm going to suffer tremendous pain over allowing myself to be so connected to her. She has assured me that by the time I leave therapy I won't feel that way, that I'll be ready to be on my own and won't need her anymore. Hard to imagine that being possible, but I have decided to try to trust her on this one, especially since she has reassured me that she won't make me go until I'm ready. Ugh. Anyway, I just wanted to say that yeah, I have felt that "longing" in my heart, and it's there each and every day. Sometimes I want it to go away and other times I don't EVER want it to go away. Sheesh is right!!!

MTF

quote:

That scared me because I can't have any real relationship with her, and that is what I want.

MTF,
I struggled for a very long time with the feeling the relationship with my T wasn't "real" so I understand how you're feeling. And there is an inherent ambivalence to the theraputic relationship that makes it even more difficult to believe in its reality. The truth is that the theraputic relationship is unique and unlike any other relationship we have, with very different rules. But I have finally learned that although it has much different boundaries than my other relationships, it is very real. Don't get me wrong, I can still struggle, almost daily, with wanting more than I can have within those boundaries, but I also know that what I have within those boundaries is very real. It's changed my life so much and I know I'm not imagining the very real depth of caring and intimacy within those boundaries.

quote:

She has assured me that by the time I leave therapy I won't feel that way, that I'll be ready to be on my own and won't need her anymore.

This one is also true. Trust me that I have been totally obsessed and was very dependent on my T for awhile. (What you and Monte are saying about the continuous internal dialogue sounds perfectly normal to me!). But that is how human beings learn to be independent by being dependent on another human being in order to learn the skills they need to stand on their own. It makes us feels like idiots, because we're supposed to be able to this when we're a small child but if we didn't get what we needed in some ways, we "freeze" or go awry, developmentally. The good news is that we can do it now with our T but because it brings up so many feelings from childhood that didn't go well the first time around, we can feel both like we are being incredibly childish and that its very scary. But there's a point to that constant internal dialogue. We eventually internalize our Ts and in a sense carry all that caring and understanding with us. They provide an internal voice that isn't always slamming us into walls, or telling us how inadequate we are.

Monte,
I understand your anger and disappointment in knowing you want something now that you can't have when it was once available. And I'm even happier that you can allow yourself to feel that anger and frustration and express it here. But may I also tell you (ducks behind couch, hiding HTML slapper) that I think its for the best?

Your T is right, Christ didn't draw these kinds of boundaries, but He's a special case. I believe that Christ lived a life of such perfect self-sacrifice that he could be in constant contact and still keep his own needs out of the relationship. But the rest of us, alas, are woefully human. The theraputic relationship needs to be all about your needs, which as adults, we can't expect in any other relationship. But in order for the Ts to make it all about us and not get burned out by our needs, they have to limit contact. I posted about this here: Boundaries I finally get 'em

It may be that having to sign that agreement was God's provision for your T to protect him from making a mistake that could have really injured you. The track record for combining a theraputic relationship with a personal one has a dismal track record for the patient.

But I do understand how badly you feel, please know I'm not minimizing your very real, very deep pain.

AG