Hey Monte - go easy with that finger. I think this is why many artists and other workers-of-the-mind need mentorship, close working companions, community. Often the relationships are intense and volatile - I suspect because there's a whole lot of attachment feeling at play. It's not a criminal offence. It's a condensed, vivid and REAL part of being human. We go to therapists when the way we do it is hurting our lives too much - or when we don't have the contact with the right people to fill that role - either way seeking it out is a healthy move. It just makes you fricking vulnerable, I know.

And because that all just sounds a little too preachy and peachy I should say I've just been really stung by the loss of someone in this role. Again. I hate it and it makes me feel worthless, humiliated, impotent and like a total loser - but I won't bow to that feeling that I shouldn't reach out for this or need it. I do.

quote:

A couple of months ago I took in a folio of art work in to show my T, stuff I did a few years ago but had never been courageous enough to bring in. He spent so long looking at it all and was so impressed and asked heaps of questions and comments and stuff. It just made me feel so happy and worthwhile. Uggh! "Look at me...my T thinks I'm clever so I must be!!!" WTF?

I wish I could get that motivation in tablet form. Much less painful.

That's why this sketchbook thing I've done is so important, not just as a means of expression, but another dose of that level of praise and appreciation. I'm feeling useless and inadequate and I need him to say, "Hey I think you're wonderful..."

I hope you don't mind but I left out the "Uggh".

I'm so glad to hear your T had such a positive and enthusiastic response to your artwork before. And FWIW, I don't think looking for it again is wrong at all. On the contrary, as kids we very much needed to be "seen" in order to feel real and make sense of our experiences, it's like air and water to kids, and there are so many ways in which we didn't get that and we are still looking for it now. I hope very much he gives your sketchbook the same kind of time and interest and questions, you really deserve it and it's okay to enjoy it and breathe and drink it in. And I totally understand your not sharing it here, that it's not the same as sharing it with your T, but I just wanted to throw the suggestion out there, so we could give you even more of that interest and praise, as I'm sure you would get if you did.

Hugs,
SG

Monte,

Did you have your session yet? If you're up to it (no pressure, really) I'd love to hear how it went, and I'm hoping it was good. If not, I'm ready to hop a plane to come give your T a piece of my mind!!! Hope you're doing okay.

MTF

Monte,

Glad you're okay. Take your time, I just wanted to know that you were okay and that I didn't need to get an airplane ticket! I'd hate to hurt your T! I look forward to your update. ((((Monte))))

MTF

I look forward to hearing your update as well. Glad you are ok.

Hey Monte,

I'm glad your session was alright. Sometimes taking some time to process the session over a few days helps bring a few things into perspective. Take your time and post when you are ready!

Yay Monte. Good one! I’m so pleased for you that sounds like a GREAT connection there, and that he really ‘got it’ about the artwork that’s so nice to hear. All worth it in the end eh? And it also sounds like from now on your therapy is really going to go places. Smiles for you Monte.

LL

Monte,

I have to say that I think your T's response was wonderful. I understand that it isn't the response that you had built up in your mind, but it sounds that in the end it was a satisfying response and a great place to move forward from. Please keep us posted!!

Monte

Yep he really did get it! How great to know there is that connection between you, that you can express yourself so powerfully through your art and be understood. And he positively is encouraging you to continue through this medium - brilliant!

Great stuff monte - can I commission you for my T?!!! Would save me a whole heap of explaining!

starfish

Monte,

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
Don’t you hate that tendency to scenario-ise approaching important situations? I do it all the time and being in possession of an over-active imagination and being oh so desperate for certain needs to be filled, I soon expect the moon and the stars. But then reality arrives and delivers the scenario and it’s never even remotely close to what I've created in my mind. Sigh.

Were you talking directly to me? I just went through this same thing this morning with my T at my session. I sometimes hate that imagination of mine. Gets me hurt or spinning every time!!

quote:

MTF…I can see your nostrils flaring and smoking, but you can cancel the flight.

You know me too well, Monte! However, I am glad that I don't have to fly out there because the budget couldn't really handle that expense right now, and my DH would question who the heck Monte really is!! LOL!! Wouldn't want to give him the wrong idea or throw more irons into the fire than I'm already dealing with!!

I just have to say that I am so thrilled that your T finally 'got it'! I'm smiling inside for you, and I don't do that often! In fact it brings tears to my eyes to know that he's with you, and that you are a team now. At least that is how it 'feels' from what you are describing. Way to go, you!! I am so proud of you for finding some way to connect to him, to that inner child, and to be brave enough to put that out there, because I know that was really scary to do. Heck, I couldn't even give my T the stuff I'd written to talk to her about today, let alone give her something like what you did. That is quite an accomplishment and you have earned the jump you have achieved in growth in your relationship with your T. How fantastic for you. I'm hoping you are content with the situation and feeling good about it, because you really should, lady!! Again, way to go!!

(((((Monte)))))

MTF

Monte so much I’d like to say to your post but right now struggling to be coherent. So just posting to say I’ve read it and been touched by your words (I LOVE your posts anyway) and maybe further down the track will have something more useful to say.

(((( Monte ))))

LL

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
Thanks for the encouragement re my pictures, but actually I don’t know that it was them that communicated successfully...seems it was more the written explanations that went with each of them. I was quite hurt when he admitted he was a ‘words’ person and from that I deduced that my visual stuff hadn’t really impacted much at all...I felt almost embarrassed that I’d even bothered with the pictures. He didn't say anything negative...he just didn't say much at all about them. The only thing that indicated they may be of some worth at least was when he said that between me connecting emotionally via my pictures and him being impacted by words, we should get somewhere. So the idea I guess is I expand on what I’m doing and go in each time with something new and I share it with him and we see where it takes me. He is trying to get me to switch on emotionally while there with him...and then when 'it's' exposed, explore it I guess...that's what they do, right? That's not something I’ve ever managed to do with him and after so many years of numbness in his presence, I just wonder if it’s possible.

I'm sorry you feel that maybe your artwork was perhaps a waste on your T and that it was the explanations that were most useful to him. I would look at it as a success either way, as the drawings got you in touch with inner feelings that your T knows you struggle to connect with in session, and sees that as very valuable, even if he IS a words kind of guy. I believe he knows you can get somewhere with this! So it goes back to what you said to me in your post yesterday about trusting that significant other. He knows you well enough by now Monte, and he sees some real value in what you've presented to him. I 'felt' it when I read your post yesterday about your session with him. Still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. You also have to trust yourself, that you CAN experience your emotions in his presence. It IS possible, you just have to believe it and work toward allowing it, as scary as it it. When you shut it off or block it out for so long, it is so hard to let it come, but you are working so hard and I know you want it or you wouldn't be working to achieve it. It will come, my friend! Trust that it will, and you will find that success that you are working so hard for. I can't wait for the post where you announce that you have had your success! I feel it's not too far in the future! Keep trusting your T, but most of all, trust yourself!! You can do it.

MTF

Hi Monte!

When IS your session? Good luck to you! You can do it!! I KNOW you can! Have some faith in yourself and your T. It might take some time, and may not go perfectly, but it will happen!

MTF

Well said, BB!!

Hi Monte. I just wanted to tell you that I thought your description of your last session was lovely. I'm glad that things are moving forward and I hope that the next part of your journey is productive and healing.

And like Dragonfly, I've felt emotion in my arms too, in a way. The first time I got a massage, I started SOBBING when the therapist rubbed the insides of my arms. Weird! She told me afterward that the arms have a "lung channel" (reflexology stuff, I guess) and that the lungs are associated with grief and memory. I know nothing about reflexology and I have no idea if there's any scientific basis to it, but I certainly can't deny the strong reaction I had to her touch on my arms.