Monte, Just want to say wow!! It is true that the reward for letting yourself be vulnerable in therapy is amazing, but it is sooooo difficult. And I know you have struggled with letting yourself go there with him for so long. I am thrilled for you. What a ginormous leap of faith you are taking!! You deserve all of the validation and acceptance you are met with.

Ohhhhh, (((((Monte)))))! I'm so sorry you're feeling so unnerved and disheartened right now. I'm sure I've added to how you feel. It's hard to come here sometimes and not be triggered, I know. That's the downside to a place like this, and probably the biggest reason my T discouraged me from being a member here in the first place.

I'm actually doing much better today. I have spent some time in prayer and deep thought and come to realize that in some ways my T is right. A lot of my unhappiness is not about her, it's about other things, details of which I won't go into detail about here, but I think I owe my T some apologies (although she owes me a few still, too! )

Therapy is tough stuff, no doubt, but it is something I'm realizing has its place. I just finished reading "A General Theory of Love" today and it really drove home to me the importance of that limbic connection with another human limbic system, my T. No wonder I 'need' her so much, no wonder my attachment is so strong, she is helping me over time to shift my mind and nervous system to a healthier place, and that for me is priceless and worth the pain and fear I am going through right now because I feel in my heart that I can trust her, I just go through periods where I get fearful and the unknown causes me to want to bolt. I'm there right now, big time. I think you're there, too. You're teetering on the brink of something you've never experienced before, and the uncertainty of how and when it will all unfold is really eating at you right now. Add in all of what's going on with everyone on the boards (which right now is a lot), and that can make anyone's nerves get rattled. Please try to remeber Monte that your T is not trying to snare you for any personal gain, that he is there for YOUR gain only and that his real intent is to help YOU move forward in your healing. He wants to see you progress and move forward in your life so you can be the happy and healthy woman he knows you can be. Don't forget that! It's always nicer and easier when we have the upper hand, but it's not how we're going to grow. Please don't even consider walking away. You've come so far and you've done beautifully. You don't want to back-pedal and wreck the progress you've worked so hard to earn. Keep pushing onward and upward, dear Monte!! It will be worth it in the end!! Hugs to you, and prayers that you will feel better about things soon!

MTF

Monte

I do understand where you are coming from - I have told my T I always want to be the one that leaves first. That's important for me.

quote:

Feeling very hood-winked by my T...as if he's rubbing his hands together with professional glee because he's very close to hooking me...and once he does then I am trapped in his net

Monte, dear Monte I hate the thought of you feeling trapped; you always come over as such an independent soul, that 'hooking' might seem to feel as if it goes hand-in-hand with dependency maybe???? But think of this, the more you do this really difficult but powerful work with him, the sooner and stronger position you will be in to walk away when you are ready AND not then have the need to go running back... Because Monte, that part of your pain and hurt will have been processed and way more bearable than it feels now.

Hug (((Monte)))

starfish

Hi Monte,
I remember feeling that way when I started to realize that my T was becoming important to me. I'm going to throw out what it was for me in case its the same for you and might help.

What I realized was that I was starting to let him become important and that meant he had power over me. Especially because at that point in the relationship I was pretty much thought he couldn't stand me and was dying to get rid of me and that meant he had ALL the power. I talked to him about feeling that way and was able to realize that the last time a man had that kind of power over me, especially my loving and needing him, and him not needing me, it hadn't turned out so well. My father abused and exploited his power over me and used it for his ends rather than to protect and take care of me. Of course I was scared to be in the same position again. One of the greatest gifts my T ever gave to me was that he took his power over me and the responsibility to use it wisely and for my good very seriously. It has been very healing to have him respect those boundaries and not abuse the power so that I could experience that I wouldn't be hurt every time someone held power over me. Knowing that allows me to need other people and let them in, trusting that not everyone will abuse my trust and need. But it took a very long time to put those fears to rest, my T and I have visited and re-visited this dynamic in many different forms through the course of our work. Which is my very long winded way of saying, of course you're scared.

But FWIW, everything you've written about your T leads me to believe that he would never betray you in that way. But understanding that doesn't make the feelings actually go away. It's by living with the fear long enough to allow yourself to experience something different that will heal you. But it's so very hard and I can understand your struggle.

AG

Monte,

You received some great feedback and support already.

I agree with everything that has been said so far. I relate to your struggle because I have recently arrived in a similar place of being so open and so raw with my T and it is evoking the same feelings that you describe. I suspect in your situation that having a T of the opposite sex intensifies those feelings (like what AG said).

Anyway, I'm not adding much here, but I want to encourage you to respect the fear that is coming up, but at the same time spread your wings just a bit and keep pushing forward. You are doing the work and you are making such progress.

Monte,

Wow! Tough stuff. My head is spinning just trying to take in all of what you posted. Sounds like your T is really pushing you to dig in and do some work, huh? I'm so sorry you're struggling so much with how it all went and that your heart feels "dead". (((Monte))) I unfortunately know the feeling, but for different reasons.

I'm glad you want to discuss the hard stuff with him in person. It seems that a lot is being missed by him in your emails, a lot of really vital emotional stuff that you really need to get worked out. I realize that the letter I wrote to my T was mostly a mistake to give to her because she likely didn't 'get' the emotional parts of it because you just can't get the emotional stuff through writing. It really HAS to be done in person. It's so sad that doing it in person is so scary. I'm terrified about today and how I'm going to get my own emotional stuff out to my T. I hate crying in front of her, but it's gotten easier. I have to remind myself she's a loving and kind woman who has seen lots of tears. I can't be the cowardly lion any longer--I've got to find my courage!

quote:

He didn’t sit as close as the other week – a simple and silly thing – but it was enough for that internal part of me to register rejection. Ridiculous. The most maddening part is that it would not have been intentional and if I asked him to sit closer he would’ve. It is stupid, impossible stuff. Ugh.

This is NOT ridiculous or simple and silly, Monte. It's a very important part of the work you are doing and I know how vital it is to the connection with your T. It helps you feel 'safe' enough to do the important work you are doing. Don't dismiss this as 'ridiculous' please. It IS NOT!! Next time, get the courage to ask him to scoot closer. It's a big deal! I know because I've lost the connection with my T partly because she used to sit closer to me and now she doesn't. She sits over by her desk most of the time and I feel like an alien to her, or like I have some dread disease or something. That proximity is HUGE. Please don't discount it's importance. Do what you need to do to feel that ultra important connection to your T.

I hope you can get feeling better soon. It's awful how this therapy stuff can make us feel. I too wish there was a face symbol with deranged eyes. I would use it often! We could use a few more than that, too! Take good care of yourself and know you're cared about and thought of! (((Monte)))

MTF

Monte,

You are really doing some very difficult and very foreign work right now and I would think your body just really doesn't know what to do with it. From what you have said on here, you have not ever connected with the very deep feelings of pain inside you and so have also not connected to your T with them. You are trying to do 2 very difficult things simultaneously. In my mind it would be strange if the process went smoothly - of course it's going to be a tough road. The fogginess comes up enough on a good day, but when there is perceived rejection, you really kick into default mode - numbness and then get the hell out is pretty much where your brain is at I am guessing.

Even though it makes sense, I know it is still so so difficult and beyond frustrating! Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time you need. It is not easy!

I personally think it is a good sign that you are able to get angry at your T - at least you can get angry at someone! That is a starting point for sure.

Hi Monte,

I just read your update. I struggle constantly with the "I'm not feeling what I know I should be feeling about this" thing. And I mean constantly. It's enraging. It makes me want to punch someone. I think your "ogre" was extremely angry.

This is just my experience, so take it for what it's worth, but that anger you're feeling - anger at yourself for not having the "correct" and "appropriate" feelings - I have the SAME anger. Thing is, it's not JUST anger about that particular thing for me, and I bet not for you, either. Sure, it's anger about not having the feelings, but the anger has a thread attached to it...or should I say...a giant rope, that stretches way, WAY back to whatever the original anger and hurts were.

So for me, I've had a little luck following the rope back a bit. It's what led me to my anger at my father. Scary anger. I haven't gotten to the hurt that I know is below the anger, but it's there, waiting.

And your anger at your T; it's not a bad thing. I think it could be a really, really good thing, actually.

Now again, this is just me, but if that was me in your session, and I was just boiling with anger like you were, and my T asked if I wanted a hug, I'm pretty sure my response would've been something like, "go hug a lamp post, you asshat. I'm pissed off!" And if your T is good, and it sounds to me like he is, and he can contain his clients' anger, it wouldn't suprise me at all if his response would be something like, "good, good. Stay with that. What other words are there with that feeling."

Because good Ts know that often, anger is the window dressing for intense hurt. The anger is real, of course, but a lot of times what's primary is something much more painful.

Hope this made some sense.

Russ

Monte,

Maybe it's not emotion I'm picking up in your posts, then. I don't know what it is. You write really well and are always very expressive, and I'm picking stuff up all over the place, but maybe that's because we're on a similar wavelength or something. If it's not emotion, then what is it? Hmmm. Now I've got something else to think about. Great! Are you an intellectualizer too?

MTF