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Anyway, i don't know if this is relevant for you, it was very pivotal for me and helped me tremendously. It ended in my last session with my list of 10 reasons why he needed me, because as i said, we both knew i needed him but most likely neither of us knew quite what it was he needed me for.

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Originally posted by QueenGrey:
Thanks for all of the feedback -- I sent him a letter explaining my frustrations because I didn't want to be angry in front of him. I have to admit, I was a WRECK when I went in. In the waiting room I kept debating on whether I should leave or stay. When I heard his voice call me in, I was shocked by how much relief I felt. He seemed exactly the same...well, he seemed to have more beard than I remembered but, he was kind. He didn't seem unnerved or anything. We talked about it while I played with some play-dough that my sister gave me (lavender-scented, for adults) and trembled. I was confused. He seemed okay, honest, and solid. Even when I had another emotional moment -- it was so sudden how quickly I realized that he wasn't my brother, or my mother but I was putting him in the roles. We were talking about why I was afraid of him and he said that probably, on some level, I was afraid of everybody. This is not a new idea in our sessions but this time it hit the core of me in a new way. I think it was HOW he said it -- he looked so sincere, so sad for me (not pity) and his voice was soft and honest. It felt comforting, in a strange way.

He also asked if I felt like he disappeared when we separated. This was a thought! I know that in Object Relations Therapy, the goal is to heal the unresolved split between mother and child, when the child recognizes that even when mother is away, she is still around somewhere, loving and ready. The theory contends that the therapist acts as the pseudo-mother, providing the necessary encouragement for a client to be whole (good and bad) without worring about loss of the therapist. I do not think that he disappears the moment we go -- I do not worry that I am imagining the hour. I do worry that he is not real within the hour. I am afraid that lurking beneath the guise of therapist is something manipulative and sadistic. I am afraid that seeing him in public will prove my belief and so I'm scared to see him in public. I don't want my bubble to burst. He certainly challenged me to consider my assumptions and the session felt very complete at the end of the hour.

I like to journal about my sessions and this one was no exception however, I approached it like a questionnaire. I kept the session going, in other words. At first, it felt like me asking myself stuff but I kept at it and strangely, a new voice emerged that kept asking the correct next question, one producing one epiphany after another like a fog lifting. It was highly spiritual and gratifying. In essence it said that it doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. What matters is how I love myself. My T is 2-dimensional but that is because I don't need a specific person to help me with self-love, I just need a voice. I don't know what to tell myself when I'm in pain, I don't know what to do to celebrate my victories -- but he knows what to say. I'm an apprentice!

I do find it completely wonderful that this happened when it did. It means that my last month will have meaning. I won't be waiting for rejection -- instead, I'll use what I get to love myself. I think that the last epiphany was the best -- "He is my self-love. In this way, I will never part with him. He'll be with me always."