Hi there my friends. I'm sorry for not keeping up with everyone - just haven't been able to. I know a few of you have asked about me and so I guess I need to take a leap here and try to fill you all in.

The last couple of months have been extremely difficult. stressed out about my job, meaning whether or not I am going to still have one. I'm still no closer to finding out either. Family issues - mom with her heart,(not that I really care about that), dad with Alzheimer's now, not really speaking to any of them or them to me. Flashbacks and body memories that have been driving me to the edge.

Trigger maybe*****
After sitting in front of a locked cabinet that holds a 38 special for many hours and days, I went to the doc for some anxiety pills. I did not tell anyone about this - not doc, not T, not partner, not anyone. I was afraid they would lock me up and I won't do that.

Anyway, the medicine seems to work a little, at least helps with alot of the physical symptoms I was having with the anxiety.

As for writing here I was feeling like a hypocrite because trying to give other people support and help them through was like saying it's ok for you but not for me because I don't believe it anymore and I'm just saying nice things to you without feeling it. I''m sorry. It isn't that I don't care for each and every one of you, I do, I was just afraid that you all would hate me for being so untrue to myself and to you. I love that you all give support and tremendous advice here. I guess I'm just feeling really alone in all this and I can't seem to let down enough to let people really in. Even this little bit is riving me crazy - - what are they going to think of me? Are they going to be mad? Do they think I'm nuts? Do they think I'm just stupid? Everything goes through my head and then I shut down. I guess that's where I've been in shut down mode.

Again, I'm sorry if I have offended anyone either by not writing to support you or by just being gone. I'm so sorry.

Smiley

Oh Smiley, thank you so much for posting and bringing us up to date on what is happening with you. I am so glad you went and asked for something to help with your anxiety. That is a huge step in taking care of yourself.

Smiley, we don't expect you to offer support if you are not in a place to do so. In fact, we want to support YOU and help you to feel okay. When you are feeling better then you can offer your support. There are times we give on here and times we take. It all evens out over time. We just want you to feel that you are welcome and valued in our little community here, whatever you do. You are important to us and just by posting when you can and sharing your struggle towards feeling well you inspire others to keep trying too.

You are NOT alone. We are here for you and with you. We are not going to judge you. I would venture to say that no one here is mad at you. I know I'm not. And you certainly are not nuts or stupid. You are a kind and lovely person. I am feeling very thankful that you are still with us and still posting.

We are here to listen, without judgement, to anything you feel able to share with us. I am a firm believer that when we share those heavy burdens they somehow become lighter.

Thanks again for checking in.
TN

(((((Smiley)))))
you have a ton on your plate. I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with and going through. I am for sure not mad, I don't think you are stupid in any way. What you wrote about you fears and thoughts about posting reminds me BB's P.A.D. (posting anxiety disorder) - I think sometimes a lot of us struggle with thinking everyone is going to hate us or think badly of us in one way or another. I'm glad you took the risk and posted anyhow. It's so good to hear from you. You are encouraging to me just by sharing your own battle. I don't know how to explain it - I guess it helps me feel less alone myself. I feel honored actually, that you would share with us. You are not a hypocrite at all... not one bit. I find that it is often easier to have hope for others than it is for myself. And you don't have to give support in order to get it - and again, you help people just by sharing where you are at.

No apologies needed whatsoever. It's good to hear from you. I'm amazed by how you have hung in through all you are going through. I'm glad you are still with us.

lots of hugs,
~ jd

Ok, you guys are making me cry. Thank you so much for not hating me.

TN - I know you asked a while back but I just couldn't answer then. Thankyou for reaching out aagain.

Draggers - What can I say? You're amazing. thank you

Janedoe - You have inspired me to let a little out. Thank you so muich for that.

My T just sent me a message that she is back from vacation but didn't put me on her schedule for today. She asked if I could go another week without seeing her. I really don't want to but knowing that she is still sick I feel obligated to say sure no problem. What do you all think?

Smiley

(((smiley)))
I do not think any of those horrible things about you. I am so sad to hear that you have been struggling so alone and that you were afraid to reach out. I am really glad you posted and hope you will continue to when you can and when you need to. Good to hear you are taking soemthing for the anxiety and it has calmed some. Please go easy on yourself...
seablue

Smiley - It's good to hear from you and you can count me among those who are just glad to hear from you, not upset or mad in any way. I'm sorry it has been such a struggle lately. I know how dark that place can seem, and the worries about how others will react to it. I'm glad you're opening up about it here and doing what you feel you need to take care of yourself. I hope you are able to to tell T soon, but I understand from experience how hard that can be. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) -Yaku

Smiley, I know you don't want to cause a problem for your T but I would tell her that you really do need to see her today or very soon. And if she cannot find an open appointment spot for you, then maybe she can do a 10 minute phone check in so you can at least connect with her.

When I started to see my new (and current) T it was hard to get steady appointments and I was so deeply depressed that he really tried to get me in twice a week... but when he could not do that I found if I could talk to him for 5 or 10 minutes or even exhange an email or two, it went a long way in helping me bridge the gap and still feel cared for. I know it hard but your T really does want to help you.

And.. I'm glad you could feel our care. We certainly do not hate you at all. Keep us posted as to how you are doing.

TN

((((((((((((((( Smiley ))))))))))))))

Thanks so much for letting us know how you're doing (and I'm truly sorry that you're still suffering so much.) I can't better TN's words in her first post to you, please don't feel obligated to post supportive stuff here, and PLEASE reach out here as much as you can. It's not going to solve any problems, but it sure can help in making you feel less alone and isolated and stuck with only your monsters to talk to.

Hm I also agree with TN's suggestion about calling your T - I get the impression that she doesn't know how badly you are suffering? Maybe you could be brave enough not only to ask for an urgent session but also open up a bit about how hard everything is for you (without going into specific details, if you're afraid she'll bung you in hospital.) Maybe it can be arranged that you see her more often, if that would give you some sense of continuing support?

Really good to hear from you Smiley!

LL

(((Smiley)))

Thanks so much for checking in and letting us know what is going on. You do have so much on your plate right now. I want to echo what others have already said here. I would never be offended if you are doing what you need to take care of yourself. Like TN said, we want to support you and that support is not conditional to you being in a place to reciprocate.

I'm glad that the medicine your doctor gave you seems to be helping. That was a great step in taking care of yourself.

I hope you are able to get in with your T. It sounds like waiting a week is really too long.

No appt. she never called back.

Smiley,

If she is still sick perhaps she will call tomorrow and wasn't feeling well enough today to make calls? I hope she calls tomorrow.

Still nothing. She probably just put me in her book for next week and that's that. Unless I call her I probably won't hear from her until then. I don't know what to do. I'm in so much emotional pain right now I can't think straight. I'm at work and it just sucks. Soryy.

(((smiley))) Anything?? If not, can you call her?

No Seablue, nothing. Nah I won't call.

Smiley I truly encourage you to call your T and tell her you are in severe emotional pain. She would want to know and she needs to know this and to fit you in sooner than next week.

I want you to hear that you deserve to have her time and attention. You are in pain and asking for her help is VERY appropriate and what you should be doing.

In the meanwhile... please keep writing here and allowing us to comfort you however we can.

Hugs
TN