BB I’m starting another thread about the problems I’m having with my T and a lot of what you are saying in your last posts sounds awfully familiar. I really like the way you have described how your SD relates to you, that sounds exactly like I imagine a good T would/should be and it’s been really helpful for me to read it - gives me a concrete example of the kind of stuff I instinctively know I’m wanting from therapy - and not getting.

I so relate to how you’re feeling about your P, questioning whether he’s really doing his job properly, blaming yourself, wondering whether he does know what he’s doing or whether you ought to just go along with him because he ought to know better than you what he’s doing that sort of stuff. I’m exactly the same with being put on the spot - having to come up with things all by myself when I really believe that that’s the T’s job to enable it. And it’s not something that it’s easy to confront a T about - effectively saying ‘are you doing your job properly’? Of course they’re going to say yes. Catch 22 really.

Anyway I really hope doing the couples’ therapy with him works - maybe because it will be a different dynamic he will show himself to be a good P after all.

Hi BB,

I know you are really suffering over this, so before I ask my blunt question, I want to assure you that I have a lot of sympathy for this and that I think you deserve care and happiness and healing.

OK, my blunt question: What makes you think your P is brilliant and compassionate? Why do you think he is actually awesome? What evidence do you have of those things?

You are getting the experience of those things with your SD (he ACTS compassionate and you FEEL cared for), but it really doesn't sound like that's the way it FEELS with your P. You are a very loyal li'l blackbird, I know that much, and you hate to sound ungrateful or critical, that is clear too. It sort of sounds like it is much, much easier to believe that you are the one with the problem, than to believe that your loved P is not deserving of your attachment. Ouch. I hope it's okay to say this much. I feel for you.

J

Hey BB,
You know she is a therapist, I am just wondering how she got around that Google alarm system. You know the one- if a therapist tries to join, an immediate google search is started (a background check). They look to see if the word therapist is in their background. If it is, an alarm sounds and they are immediately booted off the site. Just how did Jones get around that. Maybe she was already in before they installed it.

Anyway- I am so sorry that you are struggling, but I do agree with Dr. Jones PsyD

I think you and i might have the same T, except for the Gandalf part.

Could you ask him to ask you questions about what you are talking about?

The reason I write letters to my T and bring them to therapy is because I don't wan't to waste my time or his, Kind of selfish though= I just want to make sure I talk to him about the things that bothered me or came up during the week.

This is stupid and off topic but - Have you ever noticed that right below the reply to post box there is a message- it reads-
Add Attachment? I want to answer that question- How about NO Thank you, I have enough already.

Feel better BB, you are always a sweet, ray of sunshine on here. I enjoy reading your posts, but I wish you were not in pain.

quote:

Did you fix the big disconnect?

Sort of, He is back to his old great self, but he really has not fessed up to exactly what made him angry. Maybe sweeping it under the rug is ok. I know his heart, and he apologized. I am staying away from spiritual discussions with him for a while, though.

Oh crimmey, it is 3:22 AM! Must go to bed.
Night BB

BB, maybe they do not always get us, so we can get mad. And then we can tell them that we were mad? I got a bit mad with my T recently when he went on with his usual ramble (which I usually love), but all I wanted to do in that particular moment was to see his eyes and feel... and for him to be quiet.
Don't think too much, feel instead

((((BB)))) It really is that simple, but that most certainly does NOT mean it's easy.

But I want to make clear that there's are really good reasons why this is so difficult. We learned the hard way to keep both our feelings and needs under wraps because it led to getting hurt, so although it sounds so simple to say "just tell him how you feel" it's an absolutely terrifying thing to do. But it's the only way we can learn that it's a good thing to express our feelings and move towards someone. I read a book recently that was trying to explain to T/Ps what they are asking of a trauma victim when they say "trust me." The author told them to imagine that a trusted supervisor takes them to the top of a very tall building and the supervisor says that they have learned something really extraordinary and now they're going to demonstrate. And then the supervisor steps off the building and floats gently to the ground, then turns to you and says "see step off you'll be fine." How many people would just bolt down the stairs?

This is what is at the heart of what is so difficult about healing from these types of injuries. You have to do the very thing that terrifies you the most in order to get better. So please don't beat yourself up, there are good reasons that this is NOT easy, no matter how simple the principle is.

Difference between Ts and Ps. Therapist is a catch all term for people who do talk therapy. Most states will license people to do talk therapy based on a number of different degrees, the lowest usually being a master's in Social Work or Mental Health Counseling. So they are licensed to practice therapy but are NOT medical doctors nor can they prescribe medication. Then there are psychologist's whom have a doctorate in psychology, who also do talk therapy but cannot prescribe drugs, but are usually more expensive based on the fact that they have a more advanced degree. Then you have psychiatrists (Ps) who are medical doctors, who have specialized in psychology. There tend to be two types of Ps these days. Ps who do traditional talk therapy and psychopharmocologists who mainly prescribe medications and see their patients for much shorter appts. Hope that helps! BTW, fwiw, most studied have not correlated the degree of the practioner to their efficacy as a therapist.

AG

BB, I think it's great that you had a day like this with your kids. Well, yeah, it relates back to your P, but it means this therapy is working! One year in therapy and you feel the change.
My feeling better this year then the year before also has a lot to do with my therapist being there for me rather then me being able to be stronger on my own. I wouldn't be like this without him. But that's the begining, he is pulling this strength and better mood out of you, it has to start somewhere doesn't it?
So to answer your questions:
Is everything alright? Not yet, but it is better isn't it?
Are you better? Some days yes, well, that is good then, so eventually these days are going to get more frequent
Are you where you want to be? You said no, well not yet, but you see that some days are good.

BB, don't worry that your feeling better is tied so closely to your P, this is the beggining. That means he is pulling you out, and that's what he is supposed to be doing to help you out.
I actually think your post is full of hope and I believe this is going to work and you will be out of this dark place.

Hi BB,
My guy is a PsyD Doctor of psychology and i call him T just on these boards. He does not use the term therapist, but I too thought that P stood for Psychiatrist. I call him by his first name normally in session.

Anyway- it is so fine to hear of your your improvement, and yea AG explains things very well. (thank you AG)

I am not sure how important it is that you remember all the bad shit, because I am not doing very well in that department, but what is more important is how your experiences effect, or in my case, interfere with my growth as an adult. I used to tell my T, that maybe this stuff really didn't happen, maybe I made it up. But then I thought- why in the heck would I do that?What is more important is how we are growing as a result of the oh so important theraputic relationship.

quote:

Maybe it really was all kind of ok for me and I really am just making a mountain out of a molehill.

It seems you are saying something similar to what I said. - It is called denial.
I worked for so long trying to gain more memories of the abuse, but I was spinning my wheels, and I have not gained much. I thought I had to in order to forgive myself (which is an ongoing process), but I learned that I don't.

quote:

BB, don't worry that your feeling better is tied so closely to your P, this is the beginning. That means he is pulling you out, and that's what he is supposed to be doing to help you out.

Amazon is right on here. This has been my experience as well. I have an analytic mind and sometimes I drove my self crazy trying to figure stuff out. My T would just say- "Let life be" I dont even know what that means, other than stop thinking so much. Think less- feel more. Well that is not happening yet, but ... ahhhh lost my thoughts. Rambling anyway.
So sweet- planting with your kids.

quote:

move towards someone.

Thanks for that reminder AG. I think this is the absolute scarriest thing to do. Just looking at those words frighten me and this is what my T wants to talk about next time. The anxiety over this step is making me ill.

quote:

I just think I was neglected pretty bad as a kid, and suffered some abuse.

BB,
But this is exactly what trauma is! Children die without adults to take care of them, so that neglect leaves a child in at a minimum in constant perceived state of danger and any abuse is too much. The definition of trauma is that something threatening happens for which we do not have the emotional resources to cope. When our attachment figures aren't teaching us how to regulate our emotions or soothe ourselves or help us feel safe (because the world often feels scary for a child who is
WELL taken care of), it's easy to overwhelm our systems. Do this enough and you get a pretty bad picture of the universe being a dangerous place, full of dangerous people who will not meet your needs and indeed will sometimes actively hurt you. I am NOT trying to paint you as a victim, nor be overreactive, but I have seen this inability to see what happened to you as serious or meriting your attention, way too many times. It's the aspect of trauma that I most hate. That one of the effects is that we minimize it to the point that we convince ourselves we don't deserve to get help dealing with the fallout.

I had a rather vigorous go around on this subject a while back which you can read here (if you haven't already seen it, I've linked back to it a few times. Sorry if I'm repeating myself.) Really, really mad

(((Mayo))) I totally get how scary it is, but I know you can do it!

AG

quote:

I relly think all my angst about him not getting me is in my own head now! I just need to practice with him saying what's on my mind/what I'm feeling I think. I start to think, maybe that's all there is to it. It's that simple.

Could it possibly be that simple?

BB, I just want to reinforce what AG said about this - it's that simple, but not easy. But how wonderful that you are a) starting to do this and b) getting some reward and relief as a result!! Perfect. I love it when the universe behaves. I know with all the struggle you've been through lately it wouldn't have been easy to let your P/T know how you are feeling, but you did!! And it worked, and this is absolute proof that you are able to do it again.

And how beautiful that you bought flowers to plant with your kiddies! What a wonderful thing to do with them - truly nurturing in every sense. How is it going? Did you get to plant them yet?

quote:

My goal is to talk about what I needed to talk about a few days ago and not block it all out.

Hi BB,
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. The above statement is absolutely a wonerful goal. You sound like me- I have all this stuff I want to talk about, and i get in- then none of it is addressed. What has workked in the past- is my letter writing. I bring it- he reads it, and we talk about the parts as he is reading it. He clarifies- asks questions,or comments on my thinking-writing. lately this process has failed me though, because the letter along with his payment stayed in my backpack. almost nothing in my 6 page letter was addressed. Grrrr...
Ah well.