a few of you have mentioned self soothing. i'd be grateful if anybody could explain what it means and how it works?

SB

Hi SB,
Still a work in progress for me, but let me give it a shot.

From the time we're born, our attachment figure is important to us for teaching us to regulate our emotions (among other things). When we get upset they respond to us and soothe us by rocking us, holding us, cooing to us and meeting our needs. Part of how we learn to identify what our needs are and what the feelings are is that our attachment figure effectively "listens" to us, and gives us what we need so that we can make the connection. Part of growing up is that the more experience this, the more we learn, until we gain the ability to soothe ourselves. If you didn't learn this as a child (I DEFINITELY didn't) then you often have problems handling strong emotions and may learn to avoid them all together. And when you do get upset, you have a hard time calming back down.

My T has a great analogy about rugby. A normal person could go out on a Saturday and play rugby, get banged about, go home, take a hot bath and be fine the next day, maybe a little achy. A hemophiliac could sustain a injury in the first play that could need serious medical attention. People with secure attachment responds to hurts the way a healthy human being responds to minor injuries. They hurt, but they very quickly get over them. People without a secure attachment and the comcommittent ability to soothe themselves are like hemophiliacs. Even a small injury can be very serious and take a great deal to heal.

OK, back to your question. Self-soothing involves an ability to mentalize. To realize that your feelings, while very real, are not necessary reflective of reality. You can step back from them and examine them without judging them, just accepting them for what they are (tougher said than done, takes practice) and when you recognize that you are "activated" or agitated, you do something that slows you down and calms you down. I have a simple breathing exercise I do. If you take slow deep breathes, hold them a few seconds then do a long slow exhale, it slows down your whole system. This works especially well for me because when my emtions get really intense I stop breathing. (Embarrassing but true, the T is constantly telling me to remember to breathe. ) Other ways of soothing yourself can be listening to calming music, having a cup of tea, taking a walk, remembering a particularly peaceful or safe place, calling a friend etc. There are as many ways to soothe as there are people as different things work for different people. But the bottom line is that it usually involves paying attention to yourself and doing something that helps you feel calmer.

Shrinklady has a great article on this Self-soothing Techniques. At the bottom of the article are self soothing techniques that people have posted (including some whose names are familiar to you. )

AG

Thanks AG, that makes things a lot clearer! I can relate to the Rugby example quite clearly I'm more on the hemophiliac side of things...

it's great to read that doing this is a good thing! i bought a quite expensive light (kitschy cherry blossoms with a mini bulb inside each flower) the other day as i thought it so beautiful and peaceful, but felt guilty for days afterwards for spending money on something 'trivial'! so maybe it's not so trivial after all... THANKS!

SB

SB,
Nothing trivial about it at all!! You're learning to provide for yourself something that should have happened a long time ago. On some level you're also learning to recognize that you are worthwhile enough to take care of.

Glad you liked the rugby analogy. It was an original of my T's and he's quite proud of it.

AG

I work on self-soothing a _lot_, particularly when I'm in group therapy. Keeps me from, y'know, running out of the room. Tfella gets to watch me take a lot of deep breaths, quietly.

Sometimes it's tricky though to know the difference between "soothed" and "checked out/dissociated". imho.

quote:

Sometimes it's tricky though to know the difference between "soothed" and "checked out/dissociated".

Wynne

I agree with this. I have been doing a lot of guided meditation and it helps me a lot, but I wonder if it is my way of avoiding the pain. I can get into a pretty deep trance and when I come out, the pain is gone - until it pops up again. So am I really learning a way to self soothe, or am I finding a way to check out/dissociate?

PL

Hi Wynne and PL,
This makes an enormous amount of sense because disassociating IS a self-soothing technique. It's an extreme one that you learn under great distress, but that is it's purpose. It allowed you to handle something that was too much for your system. It makes sense that when stressed this would be a possible reaction. The only way to tell the difference I think is whether your shut down and numb or trying to redirect your feelings. So you're still feeling, but you're trying to change what those feelings are. Does that make any sense?

AG

quote:

The only way to tell the difference I think is whether your shut down and numb or trying to redirect your feelings. So you're still feeling, but you're trying to change what those feelings are. Does that make any sense?

AG

Yes this does make sense. During the guided meditation, you are asked to become aware of different bodily feelings, different sounds, different thoughts. So, even though I am in a pretty deep trance, I am still aware of what is going on around me. The numbness is created by the intense slowing down of my breathing and the focusing on the meditation. Thanks for putting it into this perspective for me. This is much different than my usual avoidance/dissociative response that has been my way of soothing all my life.

PL

PL,
I had a really intense session with my T once where I went back emotionally to the moment in which I made the decision to disassociate. It was one of the most intense sessions I've ever had with him. I remembered feeling like if I stayed I would die, but if I left I wasn't sure I would make it back. I ended up describing the place I used to go as a vast unending flat gray plane. No color, no life, nothing at all but a flat plane of dirt and nothing else as far as the eye can see and I was completely alone. And there was no hope or feeling and I didn't want to hope because it would only give me something to lose. Just resignation.

Working with my T has taught me the ability (occasionally, I'm still learning) to be still. To rest and just be. It's the calm of disassociation but with life present and being able to feel. There is a deep abiding joy and a sense of "fitting" into life.

My T told me a story from the book "Women who run with wolves" about the author's grandfather's land. A large tract was bought by the government using eminent domain to be used for a highway. They burned everything on it to the ground but then the plans fell through, and they gave the land back. Her and her grandfather went to look at the land and she was devastated by the lifelessness. She asked her grandfather "what will we do, Grandfather" and he told her "nothing." They went back some time later and there were plants growing up through the soil and animals had returned. Life is persistant and if we allow it, it comes.

Now when I picture that place, I see new grass and wildflowers and my T is standing next to me. I like it better with life in it.

AG

I have a question....

Do any of you differentiate the levels of dissociation?

This is a website that explains what I am talking about.

http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm


Just curious...

SD

quote:

Glad you liked the rugby analogy. It was an original of my T's and he's quite proud of it.

AG, he should be. it's such a gift to explain concepts clearly! you have it too

quote:

Sometimes it's tricky though to know the difference between "soothed" and "checked out/dissociated".

wynne, PL

that's very true. the way it works with me is something like this: 'if it feels nice it can't be true, i must be avoiding something. the truth always hurts.' real twisted i'm starting to think!

quote:

No color, no life, nothing at all but a flat plane of dirt and nothing else as far as the eye can see and I was completely alone. And there was no hope or feeling and I didn't want to hope because it would only give me something to lose. Just resignation.

oh AG that is just such an awful feeling and it strikes a chord! i have recently remembered a dream exactly like that when i was about 13 or so. in the months afterwards i would find a quiet place in school, curl up and sleep.... self-soothed to being comatosed

is there an element of rejection in this i wonder?

SB

quote:

is there an element of rejection in this i wonder?

SB,
Funny you should ask that. I once wrote a poem about how it felt to finally feel secure with my T (I posted it here Finding Home). I also sent it to my T and the following session, we were discussing my mom and I told him that the rules were unspoken but there was a line you didn't cross. My T asked me what happened if you crossed it and I told him you got sent away. He asked where and when I was groping for an answer asked me if it was the barren wasteland in my poem. It must have hit home because it's taken me a year and a half to discuss my mother again.

It was definitely a place of exile, from everyone and even in some ways from myself, I think.

AG

this is wonderful poem AG! and how wonderful you can experience closeness with your t, i really really really hope i will at some point also. sigh.

quote:

Providing sustenance, shoring up resolve
In the distance, long sought...
The door is opened and welcome is given
Alone no more, rest at last, abiding peace

how i am longing for it (sigh)!

Swirling voices
congealing.
Gravity
imposed towards the centre
where solidity emerges.

Further out you watch
with a gentle smile
and a little sadness,
unhurriedly bearing witness
to glory reborn.

Hi Songbird,
Sorry for the delay in replying. Not in a good place right now and its affecting my ability to post. Thank you for what you said about my poem. That was actually the first poetry I had written in almost 30 years. The space and energy opening up that allowed me to do that was a strong sign of the healing that was taking place.

And I love your poem. I also said this in another thread, but you have very powerful imagery. My T and I have discussed it alot that we have to turn to art because so much of what we need to express from a deep level, can't just be said. You do that very powerfully.

AG

Wow, thank you AG, what hugely hugely kind words! It's the first time I shared any of these!

I think I follow what your t means about art. for me it's sometimes the only way that i can put out what's inside into the outside. short of screaming and punching that is...

I'm sorry you're not feeling so good at the moment AG (sorry, that sounds so drab...), so you diverting some engery for this reply is doubly appreciated!

big hug (if you want and if it helps)
SB