Hi All,

Just checking in after a long break from posting. I haven't posted in a long time because I seem stuck in a cycle of feeling awful for long periods, punctuated by a week or two of feeling better, then back to feeling awful again. This has now been going on for over a year, a fact that I'm having real trouble with. I also haven't posted in a while because I've been extremely busy. I know, we're all busy, but between work and therapy, I seem to have little time for anything else.

Here's what's happening in a nutshell. The part of me that seems to be at the root of much of this hell - namely a version of myself with it's own voice that attacks me by saying the most awful things about me to me - has been becoming more vocal and more sadistic. This happens in the form of intrusive thoughts and a kind of intrusive running commentary. I mean, we all have an inner critic, but this is extreme. This is a nihilistic, truly hateful voice that seems bent on making me feel completely worthless.

This is same part of me that burst into consciousness when I was 23 and called me some very nasty things, triggering my first ever panic attack. For the next 18 years, this harsh inner critic retreated into the dark and would periodically attack me in my sleep, and I would never know why I was waking up in an awful panic. Because I didn't know the cause, I was somehow able to live with it. But now, the voice of this "other" part of me has come out into the open again and is abusing me with truly awful things, such as: "You're a worthless piece of s&$t, you don't deserve to live, you're evil," and on and on.

Of course, I don't actually believe *any* of this. If I actually did, I wouldn't have a need for this other "me" to tell me, and I generally end up in this little pissing contest with myself by saying back to it, "why don't you go screw yourself" and "your statements have no credibility, so why don't you just shut the hell up", etc etc.

But naturally, hearing myself say these incredibly disturbing and hurtful things causes me intense anxiety and dread. My T feels that as disturbing as this is, it's new because now this "agent of punishment" is becoming more conscious, as opposed to attacking me in my sleep, and causing me to wake up in a state of panic without knowing why.

I'm hoping that my T is correct in thinking that this is the "core of the anxiety" and that if we can drag it out into the light, examine it and find its root cause we might be able to silence it once and for all and I'll finally get my life back. We'll see.

I would love to know if anyone else has had this experience. I guess this is what they refer to as "taming the Gremlin."

I hope everyone else is doing OK.

Russ

Summer and HB,

Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. And HB, thanks so much for the Cherokee Legend. What a wonderful story. I am going to print that out and save it.

Yes, it's an awful thing to have to contend with. As I mention, it's an inner critic that's been there for a long time, but now it almost seems like it feels desperate and feels like it has to come out into the open a bit more and come at me with the worst that it has to offer.

I keep responding by telling "it" that I'm stronger than "it" is and that I'll never, ever back down. It's odd because referring to this thing as "it" kind of suggests that it's something other than myself, when I know it's not. But I can't accept that a part of me would do such things to me. I guess I have to get over that, and accept that it's a part of me that split off a long time ago for some reason and has taken the form of the bad wolf from the Cherokee legend.

quote:

On the other hand i do believe it is possible if not easier to face and go beyond our own inner torment than to be a helpless victim of someone else's rage.

This is a really great point. It is my own rage, I just have to figure out where it came from.

I had a very different dream last night. Often I will dream about being on top or on the side of a very high mountain - or on top of a very tall building - and in the dream I'll be extremely frightened that I might fall (I'm a bit afraid of heights and tall ledges). But last night I had a dream that me and a bunch of other people had walked to the top of a very tall hill, and instead of being afraid to fall down the other side, we all started to kind of bounce and float down it, almost as if we were on the moon and had less gravity holding us down. It was incredibly fun and exhilerating. Every time I bounced off the surface of the slope I'd spin in the air or do some kind of trick. Then I landed harmlessly at the bottom. I hope this is a good omen.

Thanks again, guys.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:


I had a very different dream last night. Often I will dream about being on top or on the side of a very high mountain - or on top of a very tall building - and in the dream I'll be extremely frightened that I might fall (I'm a bit afraid of heights and tall ledges). But last night I had a dream that me and a bunch of other people had walked to the top of a very tall hill, and instead of being afraid to fall down the other side, we all started to kind of bounce and float down it, almost as if we were on the moon and had less gravity holding us down. It was incredibly fun and exhilerating. Every time I bounced off the surface of the slope I'd spin in the air or do some kind of trick. Then I landed harmlessly at the bottom. I hope this is a good omen.

Thanks again, guys.

Russ

Hi Russ, good to meet you. I have read your posts in the past, but have just started posting myself!

I agree with HB, that change in your dream seems like a very good omen. It seems very powerful, and representative of some big changes you have gone through! Even just raising your consiousness to remember the dream is one very big step, I think!

whereami

HI RUUUUSSSSSS!!!!! It's so good to hear from you... I've been wondering how you've been doing!

I'm sorry to hear that you are still having bouts of awfulness... but you do seem to understand it a little better these days, and I think that is definitely a good thing! Your latest dream sounds like a good sign to me... I wonder what your t will say?

I'm really glad you've stuck with this process Russ, I know it's been hard. You are working really diligently and it will pay off for you... that inner critic's true motivations will be made known if you keep at it.

quote:

I guess I have to get over that, and accept that it's a part of me that split off a long time ago for some reason and has taken the form of the bad wolf from the Cherokee legend.

I definitely think you have the right idea here. Accepting this as part of you is key (in my opinion) to healing... it's painful but I believe you can do it.

Good to hear from you Russ, and HB, thanks for posting that legend! I love it!

-CT

Hi Russ, good to see you back!

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between work and therapy, I seem to have little time for anything else.

I think I'm in a similar place, so haven't posted, nor read much truth be told.

Apart from that my nasty voices aren't half as clear as yours, nor half as bad by the sounds of it. But I do think it must be a good thing to identify them ultimately, hoping that this undercurrent of torment will just pack up and go at some point.

Don't think they have any intention to do that in the near future. I'm really hurting tonight and just can't get a clear handle on what's going on and it makes me soooo mad! I just want endless hugs to soak up some nearness and make it all go away for a few moments. None are on offer tho. Feeling worthless is just the pits because with that everything I do becomes worthless and hence not worth doing. Ah sorry Russ, don't mean to moan and highjack...

If it helps tell your voices I'm telling them they're not helping and if they're really so bloody concerned with you being this, that or the other they should contribute something more constructive. And if they're not that concerned, well, then they really should shut up. Sorry I might be talking to myself here...

Anyway, for what it's worth, I think your dream is a positive sign too. After all you have people with you in this once scary place and with them you are making it into such a fun sounding experience.

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I'll never, ever back down

I don't think you will either. What an amazing quality to have!

Sweet dreams
SB

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Originally posted by SongBird:
Apart from that my nasty voices aren't half as clear as yours, nor half as bad by the sounds of it.

SB, it's not that the voice - which is my own but always says things to me as "you" - is all that clear. I mean it's clear enough, but it's not a yelling, screaming thing, and sometimes it's just a word or an image that flashes into my mind. So, whenever this happens, it's not myself saying, "I am this or I am that," it's always, "you are this or you are that." So, it might say, "you are worthless" and I'll respond by saying, "hmmm, that's odd. I don't feel worthless. Maybe you're just a liar, how about that?" That kind of thing. I know, it's really strange.

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry. That's not really a bad thing I don't think. I think it'd good to feel anything, regardless of what it is.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by SongBird:


I'm really hurting tonight and just can't get a clear handle on what's going on and it makes me soooo mad! I just want endless hugs to soak up some nearness and make it all go away for a few moments. None are on offer tho. Feeling worthless is just the pits because with that everything I do becomes worthless and hence not worth doing.

Hi (((SB))). Sorry you are hurting tonight. I know it makes it seem so much worse when you can't figure out why. Keep talking to yourself the way you suggested to Russ. You deserve a kind voice--one that will help silence the feelings of worthlessness.

Allow yourself to be angry. . . We are here to listen.

whereami

Hi Russ...glad to see a post from you but sorry to hear that your inner critic is so loud and intrusive these days. I have one too and am trying to find a way to either ignore it or fight back or at least understand what triggers it. I found a website that I thought was very interesting written by Pete Walker. You can google him. He wrote an article about the inner critic with some helpful strategies on dealing with it. I plan to print it out and discuss it with my T.

You dream sounds like a change is coming. I am curious to hear what your T thinks about it. Hang in there. I know how debilitating the anxiety can be.

SB... sorry you are also struggling and you are not moaning. You are sharing your feelings which is what you are supposed to do on here. I know how it is when you are so consumed with trying to deal with your feelings and function day to day... not much left for posting/reading. Hang in there.

TN

is you DID?
samy

thanks Russ, I have to remind myself that being angry is not a bad thing. I still expect to be cast out into the outer universe for being angry! Do you think all these ingrained behaviours are ever going to melt away???

And just for record (and you can have that in writing... ): YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS AT ALL, quite the contrary and I really admire the your courage and strength of staying with the mud!

Hi whereamI!

quote:

You deserve a kind voice

I just hope I can believe that one day. I halfway do on a good day and then that nasty idiot voice takes over again in a very sneaky way. Can't even confront me directly, ha!

Hey True North, thanks for listening to the 'non-moaning' I think if I don't I'm just going to explode... I'll have a look at that Pete Walker.

Samy, hello there, good to see you around again too!

SB

Hi Russ,
Thanks for checking in, I've been worried about you (I know I have my nerve considering how long I've been missing!). I get the inner critic as I had a very strong one myself. I've done some reading and the theory is that we internalize the negative stuff we pick up and criticize ourselves in an effort to keep us safe. If we yell at ourselves then maybe we'll not cross that invisible line and get in trouble again. Part of healing is learning that all of the criticism wasn't true in the first place, the problem was with our caregivers not with ourselves. It wasn't true then, and it isn't true now. I do want to offer hope though, as mine is rarely present anymore and when it rears its head, it's quickly banished since I know it really doesn't reflect reality. It's such a slow process that you don't realize you're making progress but one day you realize you're in a different place and that voice has lost it's power.

And I think you're dream is a REALLY good thing, I had a very similar experience which I posted about Profoundly Uncomfortable That dream proved to be a real turning point. And recently, I have been experiencing a very deep sense of progress, of really being healed, so much so that my T and I are starting to discuss my heading out on my own. My last session we talked a lot about how far I've come. My T's office is the second floor of an old house. I felt very secure and connected with my T as I left and was also experiencing a deep felt sense of joy and being ready to face life and as I walked down the stairs, I realized that I felt like I did in that dream. On the outside I was middle aged woman walking slowly down a flight of steps but inside, I spread this incredible wings and was flying joyously downhill. I know that feeling won't always be there but I know that I'll experience it again. It has made all the pain and struggle so worth it. Forgive me, I struggle so to express this and what it feels like, words do not really do it justice. But I agree with HB, this is a change which has already taken place for you; you're now becoming conscious of it.

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I have to remind myself that being angry is not a bad thing.

Hi SB, I'm sorry things have been so difficult. But I do believe you're anger is a good thing. We don't get angry when someone kicks a trash can because we perceive it as worthless; so what's the big deal? But put grafitti on the Mona Lisa and we get angry. Your anger is a sign that you are waking up to the fact that you are worthwhile. That you deserved better than you got and that you should not have experienced all that you experienced. I don't think anger is a good place to stop, but it's a very good place to start.

AG

hey CT, TN, AG and everybody.

Thanks so much for all the replies. One thing is clear; that part of me - the harsh inner critic - is extremely strong. My T feels that despite it's hateful, sadistic voice, it is there to tell me something. It's not there just to be hateful and sadistic just because it can.

He said that setting up a confrontational relationship with it isn't doing me any good. I think this is true since just telling that part of me to shut the hell up doesn't really do anything. Rather, he's suggesting that I look for what exactly is inspiring that part of me to create these thoughts. I'm having a really hard time with this idea because I feel like I need to defend myself against this part of me, but again, he says that this sets up a defensive, confrontational situation with myself, which just fuels the fight even more. I told my T that I've tried this, that I've said to myself, "what is it that you want? What do you want me to hear?" and nothing ever comes of it. He responded by saying that maybe I have't taken the right approach yet.

So, it's all very distressing and confusing. Still, I have to say that overall, I've been feeling somewhat better than I did a couple of months ago, and I'm hoping that there is something changing below my level awareness finally that is responsible for this.

I had a dream last night that I was packing all my things and moving to some place new. I think that's a good omen as well.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate everyone here so much.

Russ

Hey Russ!

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.

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I told my T that I've tried this, that I've said to myself, "what is it that you want? What do you want me to hear?" and nothing ever comes of it. He responded by saying that maybe I have't taken the right approach yet.

I just had a thought about this. My T suggests that I just tell that part of me, "I hear you. I know that you're there." When I genuinely do this, without feeling angry at the voice for being there, I often move into sadness. This tells me that the voice is defending my sadness, so by doing this, I peel off a layer of the onion. She says the first step is just acknowledgement. Anyway, just a thought.

Good to see you again!

cat

quote:

My T suggests that I just tell that part of me, "I hear you. I know that you're there." When I genuinely do this, without feeling angry at the voice for being there, I often move into sadness. This tells me that the voice is defending my sadness, so by doing this, I peel off a layer of the onion. She says the first step is just acknowledgement.

I would like to second CG's thought here! I have a similar experience when trying to get through the anger and negativity. I think I've said in on here before, but this is what my t said to me once (and I'm definitely paraphrasing):

Think about it like this. What does a young child do when he's angry? He strikes out with the most hurtful thing he can think of: I HATE YOU! I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE! YOU'RE STUPID! I'M NEVER GONNA TALK TO YOU AGAIN!

But when young child is that angry, it's because something has happened... he is hurt or afraid or sad, etc. And this voice- this angry, hurtful voice- is doing the same thing. He still doesn't feel comfortable expressing the true feelings (this is the only way he feels he can be heard)... and now, the child in you is directing all of that anger and hurt at YOU. He attacks the things that will currently hurt you the most: "You're a worthless piece of s&$t, you don't deserve to live, you're evil."

Personally, (and for what it's worth) I have to treat this part of me as if it really is a child... one with a big vocabulary and a foul mouth (), but a child nonetheless. And I often have to say to myself- as I would to an actual child-, "It's okay to be upset... i hear you... but remember, even though you feel like you have to, you don't have to yell anymore. Can you tell me what you're saying again in a softer way?"

IDK if I'm weird or if that will work for anyone else, but it really helps disarm the angry voice. Hope this helps.

-CT