T1 asked me if I feel lovable. I said no. She said, "So how is it that you got me to care about you?" and I said, "Because I pay you to care". She said, "Do you think my caring is that tenuous?" and I said "sometimes I do".

She then went on to say that it was really important to her that I hear and believe her when she says that she cares about me. She said, "I think you are very loveable. I genuinely really like you and care about you, and have for many years".

So I know this was all said to make me feel good, and I know her intentions were to make me feel cared for. I do believe that she cares...

However, I couldn't help but notice that she did not say that she loves me, but instead said that I am lovable and that she likes me. What I hear when she says that is, "I don't love you"....and that hurts.

I'm not sure why she felt the need to have this conversation with me. Its not like I asked her if she cares or loves me. She just brought it up out of the blue. I feel like why bring it up at all if you can't even say that you love me??

I would hazzard a guess that loveable + like + care about = "I love you" in therapist speak, since it's probably really dangerous to come out and say those words with the variety of connotations they can have. I bet even if they "know" a client won't take it the wrong way, most are pretty cautious, like my T's "you are highly favored" that we discussed before. I think it means he REALLY likes me, but it certainly leaves you guessing when they have such a round-about way of saying it. I was hearing it as "God loves you...me, not so much!" Anyway, I hope that can give you some comfort around that exchange. ((((LG))))

Hi LG,

Ouch...yep, that would hurt. I dunno - depends how you define love too? I know that the people I genuinely like and care about, I feel a kind of love for too. As lovely as it would be to hear these words, I think there are many reasons why a T cannot 'love' clients. They may or may not feel love in the way I have mentioned above. How would it make you feel if you actually heard these words? Would you still feel as comfortable bringing up certain topics in T? Would you worry more that 'saying the wrong thing' would then make her not love you? Don't know if I'm making much sense...I suppose I mean...would it distract you from doing the hard work?
And many other reasons - obvious ones being professional boundaries etc - sorry LG, my head is spinning in 500 gazillion directions all at once atm
Maybe she brought it up as a core issue type thing? I know that this is probably a core issue for me...so I do understand. Yeah, I hear you....why is being told you are loveable, liked and cared about just not enough sometimes?
It is so hard.

Faith xx

I think she was telling you that she loves you. Ts are cautious about expressing such things and you never know. Maybe it was risky for her to say I love you because she was afraid you'd say that she was only saying that because she was paid. Or maybe she didn't want to say it directly because you'd refute it some how. I think the fact that she brought this up and discussed was her way of saying that she loves you. It is up to you to believe it or not. I hope you do believe it. You can pay someone to listen and talk to you but you can not pay them to like or love you.

Yaku,

You bring up some good points about Ts needing to be cautious about what they say because of how it may be twisted or misinterpreted. I suppose even if she did feel love for me, she would have to be careful about expressing it.

Faithless,
I think even without T saying "i love you", i do feel uncomfortable bringing up certain topics because I am so afraid of disappointing her. I can only imagine how it might be intensified if she said she loved me. I'd be so afraid of losing her love.

I do think she brought it up as a core issue thing. What preceeded her bringing it up was her asking me what my biggest fear regarding my mother is and I said, "That she will die before I am able to get her to love me" and T sort of gasped and although I couldn't see her (we do phone therapy), I felt as though I heard a little bit of choking up in her voice and she said, "Wow, that is a very powerful statement. it knocked the wind out of me". and then she went on to say that I am loveable, etc.

She also said that it is very important to her that I know that she will never leave me, that no matter how much I try to push her away, she is always going to be right there for me. (I had fired her earlier in the week).

So I think she was trying to show me that I am capable of being cared about unconditionally, but being cared about and being loved are two different things in my mind. Oh how I long to hear that she loves me.

L2F,
You are right...you can pay someone to listen, but you cannot pay them to like or love you. I do believe that T1 genuinely likes me as a person. I know that she finds me funny and I do believe that she enjoys working with me...and that is something that no amount of money can create. But I do wish I didn't have to pay her to be a part of my life.

Yes that is the painful part of therapy I think too.

Have you ever watched the Sopranos? There is a scene where Tony Soprano gets mad at his Shrink for this very reason and he starts throwing money at her. I loved that show for the fact that it had so many episodes devoted to Tony and his therapist in therapy. I don't think I'd have watched it otherwise. I loved Dr. Melfi too. Don't mean to get off topic but just was curious.

Oh, yeah. I loved those seasons of Sopranos that dealt with the therapist. I was a huge fan of the show as a whole, but those episodes especially. The fact that Tony, who is essentially your classic sociopath, could feel that intense need to be liked by his therapist speaks volumes about the power of therapy and the significance of the therapeutic relationship.

OK, now I have to go and rent Sopranos to watch...

I do think that she does genuinely care about you, but as the others have mentioned, therapeutic boundaries and professionalism prevent her from using the "l" word.

Personally, I know that I struggle to say the "l" word to anyone. Growing up, it was an automatic response every time we spoke to our parents or left the house or anything. It really devalued the word for me. I have a few special friends in my life who tell me they love me, and I struggle to respond.

Anyway, I like how Yaku summed it up:
"loveable + like + care about = "I love you" in therapist speak" and I think that especially given the history you have with T1, her words were definitely T-code for love

quote:

Originally posted by Room2Grow:
OK, now I have to go and rent Sopranos to watch...



Anyway, I like how Yaku summed it up:
"loveable + like + care about = "I love you" in therapist speak" and I think that especially given the history you have with T1, her words were definitely T-code for love

I agree, R2G. I love how Yaku summed that up as well. So much so that I think I may just have to write that in my book of favorite quotes that I keep by my bedside.

R2G, The therapy part of the Sopranos is a small part of the overall show and only is part of a few seasons, if my memory serves me correctly. Its a good show though, and worth watching but there is a lot of violence and sociopathic behavior in the show, so keep that in mind. I almost didn't marry my husband because of a fight we had about one of the episodes of that show...seriously. He was staunchly defending some of the sociopathic behavior on the show and I had a major problem with that. I should have listened to my inner voice and not married him.

anyway, if you do watch that show, just be careful to pay attention to how you are feeling in case anything is triggering. Its a good show, but not worth triggering oneself.

Hi LG,

It sounds like you feel better about it now but I just wanted to mention that sometimes even if they do say they love you, that would bring up a host of other issues for you such as fear of losing that love. It seems like something nice that you might want but .... it's the ole, be careful what you wish for, you may get it.

Oh, thanks for the heads up LG. I'm not a fan of violence, it totally triggers me. Maybe I'll google the therapy scenes and see if I can find 'em on youtube

I love the bedside quote book - great idea! (might have to borrow that one myself!)

I really wish I would have had the courage to say to T1, "I don't want you to like me. I want you to love me". I wonder what she would have said. Probably something like, "Well, I care about you deeply." Puke. maybe some day I will work up the courage to say that to her.

R2G

The Sopranos is a great but it is about a modern day mafia. So there is that sort of violence in it. The therapy sessions aren't violent per se. I recommend trying the pilot episode (Season 1 episode 1) to see what you think. They said they could have made that episdoe into a movie by itself. I agree too. The opening scene is TOny Soprano meeting with a psychiatrist (who later counsels him weekly) for the first time. So you see him in the waiting room and then as they meet and try to figure out why Tony is there. He's this macho guy so it's sort of funny.

(Don't mean to take the thread over)

T Code for Love - that could be a book title.

Monte,

I know what you mean about thumbing your nose at all the people who didn't love you if you were to hear that your T loves you. My T1 has said a few times recently what a wonderful daughter I am to my mother and my mother is lucky to have me as a daughter. It felt so good to hear that. In one email to her I wished her a happy mother's day and she wrote back thank you and said, " If your mother really knew what kind of person she has for a daughter, she would hug you and say that she is proud to be your mother. I would give you a hug if I could. Sending you one anyway." I cannot tell you how many times I have gone back and read that email over and over again. It felt almost as good as hearing that she loves me would feel.

Sometimes I wonder if I go to therapy long enough, maybe then she will love me....but I went to her for two years 1992-1994 and now again for seven months. Maybe a few more years and she will love me?? lol. I am embarrassed to admit that I hope that time will do the trick.

Sorry, expected to reply earlier - have just had a really quite heavy conversation with mum on the phone. LG, as I said before, I have real trouble expressing myself in a coherent way, and going back to what yaku said - that is exactly what (I think) I was trying to say - love means different things to different people. I think for me, to know that I am liked, cared for and respected for who I am, does in some way = love
But T's have boundaries which they have to work within, and just cannot use 'that word' kwim?

I swear...I do totally get where you are coming from...I had a hug with my counsellor today...first one in a good while....comforting, is all I can say. Understand your pain LG....and although I can see logically how it all fits...I just can't FEEL it yet.

(((((LG))))

Faith xx