It's so good to hear from you again, MTF. I figured I'd respond to your post from the other thread here, too.

quote:

I don't want to share anything with my T anymore. I want to look like I'm okay now, like I don't have any more problems. I don't want her to see my issues, even though I know that's why I'm in therapy. How else is she going to help me, right?! So I'm struggling with feeling like she's one of 'them', you know, the people we don't want to see our flaws and imperfections? I know she's seen enough to realize I have plenty of issues, and that I'm not going to fool her. I just don't want to talk about stuff anymore.

Oh, this is so tough, MTF. In a slightly different way, I'm dealing with the same thing. My T doesn't know me well enough to know all of my issues, but she's smart, and from the 3 sessions I've had with her, I know that she has recognized definite problems that I have. But since I started therapy with her already having some knowledge of myself and my family, I feel like I have a completely different persona with her than I did with my first T, who I relied on a lot to help me "see" things. It felt more okay to be wrong with my first T than it does with this one. My new T is nice and open, so it's kind of an unfounded fear, but it's hard to get out of the funk where I'm afraid to admit my problems, things I'm struggling with, etc.

I'm completely speculating here, but I wonder if the reason you don't want to bring up issues is because you don't want to talk about difficult things when you're not even sure if you'll have the opportunity to talk it out with her, both because of the couple's session and because you're back to every other week. Which completely SUCKS, by the way...I know the feeling. It's awful. I wish I could offer some help there, but when I was going every other week with my last T, I tried to forget what day it was because I felt like I was counting down the hours and minutes until the next session.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent, but it seems to me that maybe your feeling of just being okay sitting in her office and not bringing up issues is because that's so much easier than struggling in between sessions. I know how awful this is, because I had trouble bringing stuff up with my last T, since it was always so long in between sessions (sometimes more time in between than every other week). I'm sorry - I know you've said this before, but I've forgotten why you are going every other week. Is it because of insurance? Or your T's suggestion? Or neither? I apologize for not remembering.

quote:

I know, some of you get nothing ever so I shouldn't whine, but when you get something on a routine basis and suddenly it's not offered, it hurts.

This is completely understandable, and in my opinion, it's worse than getting that sort of treatment in the first place. Honestly, I think it's a bit of a relief for me that my T doesn't do that (of course, she's still new for me, but she doesn't seem like the type), because if something ever differed from the norm, I would completely freak myself out thinking of what I did to change the relationship. Who knows - I wonder how your T feels around her colleagues. I wonder if her style is different than their. We're all human, so maybe she felt like she would be judged by them on how she interacted with you? I'm just curious...how would you feel if you had this incident, but you still felt connected to her in session? To your T, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but it naturally does to you, considering you feel so disconnected from her already and now you've got a physical disconnection from her, too.

It's tough stuff. You have every right to feel the way you do. Besides, feelings are neither right nor wrong. I have to remind myself of this all the time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!

Oh, and about the medication issue. I know that I too have always had a hard time with memories and memories with feeling. Since I feel like I have so few memories, it's hard to remember how I felt before I went on medication (it feels like I have a whole blank period of memories while I was in the throws of depression) - but I suspect I was much the same as you, MTF. I should try and bring it up with my T, but sometimes (ok, a lot of times) I wonder if I'm overreacting, since I'm not completely sure. This has been my "norm" for so long...Ugh. I wish I could just remember and know. Too bad it's not so easy. And you are a great help, MTF, in sharing your experiences like this. Seriously, it may just be the difference between me telling my T or not, since I know I'm not completely alone in this. So thank you.