OW,
I'm really sorry, when I was writing that post, I wasn't keeping in mind that your transference was happening with your son's T not yours. But I think you're handling it well. And I agree, that laying it all out for your own T, being honest about all your feelings, will allow you to work through it. The important thing is that someone can hear, accept and understand all your feelings. I'm not sure what effect it has working it through with a person who's not the object of your feelings but I believe it can be done. There's another member Sprinting Gal who is in similar situation with a medical doctor but it is working it through with her therapist. She would probably have some good advice for you or will at least understand just what you're dealing with.

AG

No need to be sorry, AG. I have a hard time keeping it straight while I'm writing my posts, so how can I expect everyone else to keep it straight!

I am still struggling with whether or not to talk to my son's T. I really want to clear the air so to speak before I have to say goodbye. I don't have many positive feelings when I think about her now, just sadness, loneliness and regret. Maybe I'm just hoping she will say something I can hold on to. What do you think?

I talk to my T on Thursday and I'm thinking this will be a topic of conversation. I gave her my journal last week and the majority of the journal was devoted to my son's T.

AG

Your advice is so true. Reading all of the posts here helped me to gather up some courage and bite the bullet. My T knows about my transference issues as I have alluded to them before. She even used the word transference, but we really didn't go too far into it. Well, I decided that today was my big chance and that I would be really ticked off at myself if I didn't take advantage of it. For the past few days the feelings have become so intense that I felt like I was going crazy. The physical pain is so unbearable. I know that all of you understand this.

So, when I went in and she asked me how I was, I told her I was on the edge of exploding. I then told her that I just had to say something before I lost my nerve. I then told her how I was feeling and how I didn't understand it and how it was consuming my life. She asked me to explain more. I told her that I just felt like I wanted to be with her all the time. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth!!! The look on her face was so soft, understanding, kind and yes, happy. I told her that I just wanted to be understood and comforted without using any words. We talked about this for the whole session and I am so glad I brought it up. I have a lot of relief now, but I know this isn't over. I know I have just touched the tip of the iceberg with her, but at least the door is open a crack.

I know that reading everyone's posts here and realizing that many other people have the same feelings, gave me the little push I needed to cross over the line. I see her again on Thursday and I don't know if I will be able to open up a little more, but I know my brain got a good dose of rewiring today.

PL

PL, I am so happy for you. It sounds like your T gave you a very warm acceptance and that she will allow you to gage your readiness to talk about your feelings. My T is very gentle that way too. It really helps to be able to see the softness in their face like you mentioned when you pour your heart out like that. Eventhough little may be said at a time, a lot is said through facial expressions and attunement. This is the sort of stuff that we need to hold on to and try to recall during times of uncertainty. The more we experience these positive emotions the more they will resonate within us and the more permanent they become.

That's really wonderful.
JM

Thanks JM. I'll try to keep that image of her face with me when my nerves take over again.

PL

PL,
That's really awesome that you took the chance and shared your feelings with your T. And she responded so perfectly. I remember what an incredible relief it was the first time I told my T. By the end of the session, I was so relieved and exhausted, I felt like I could sleep for a week.

And you're right, they'll be other hard sessions, but each time you'll have the last time that it went well to help you overcome the fear again and open up to her. And that's how you'll heal.

Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm really very happy for you.

AG

Wow, PL, what a great response from your T! It took a lot of courage for you to bite the bullet and I'm so glad it turned out the way it did.

Savor the positive!

OW

Hi OW... I just wanted to pop in here and say it was incredibly courageous of you to give your journal to your T. NO ONE reads my journal, especially my T so I admire you for doing that. I do hope it gives your T the insight she needs to best help you with this dilemma.

TN

Hi PL... Good for you!! I'm so glad you talked to your T about this very sensitive issue that drives us all so crazy. And I'm glad you felt such relief after telling her. I think that you will find that bringing this into the open will allow your relationship to go to an even more intimate and deep level. If you don't talk about the transference and it's there in the room with you then it makes therapy so much more difficult. It's just another secret you will have to keep and therapy is about being open and honest.

I well remember my "transference conversation" with my T. I was so nervous I was shaking but it was worth it. Because after his initial defensiveness he was wonderful and our subsequent sessions were amazing. Because he admitted to me that he had no experience with transference I loaned him my copy of In Session (have you read it?).

I feel that we are working through this together and with each hurdle I feel closer to him and more able to reveal things that have been buried for many years. It's not a straight path but establishing that honest relationship is a big step in the right direction.

TN

Thank you to all of you for your positive thoughts. I feel so much relief from having revealed the little bit that I did to her, but I also feel relief because all of you have validated my feelings. Even though she responded so well to what I was saying, I still have that little voice in my head telling me now that I am crazy, ridiculous, oversensitive, and my feelings are not important. So, can you tell why I am going to therapy? Little by little I will tell that voice to go away.

TN - I have read "In Session" but it was quite a while ago, before I was knee deep in my transference. I think I will pick it up again. It will probably have more meaning to me now.

PL

Thanks TN, but I think it was much easier because I really have no emotional attachment to my T, since I just started seeing her a month or two ago and my transference is with my son's T. Even if something I said in my journal caused her to not want to help me or to send me somewhere else, I really wouldn't care that much. I am positive I would have a much, much harder time handing it over to my son's T.

I also really didn't get the sense that my T really understood how difficult it was for me, especially since I knew the time was coming when my son's T would be out of my life. I wasn't very good at communicating it verbally in my sessions (minimizing my emotions, maybe? ). So in order for us to really deal with it, I thought she should know what really goes through my mind.

We'll find out tomorrow if it's going to help, if she's going to tell me I'm completely nuts, or if she tells me I just need to get a grip.

quote:

Originally posted by puppy lover:
I still have that little voice in my head telling me now that I am crazy, ridiculous, oversensitive, and my feelings are not important.
PL

PL - I so hear you.

OW and PL,
You are not nuts, you are not losing your grip, you are not pathetic, you are not oversensitive, you are not ridiculous, and your feelings ARE important.

What you are experiencing is trying to meet a fundamental need, necessary to our survival, that never got met. Reaching out to an attachment figure with these feelings is actually a healthy sign. We are SUPPOSED to move towards connection to fulfill our needs and receive comfort. Unfortunately, many of us learned some extremely different on a very deep unconscious level. We had to teach ourselves not to need, not to seek out relationship, so when we do all this shame and fear kicks in, in an unconscious attempt to "protect" ourselves.

I know that these feelings are screaming at you and they're so intense it feels like it MUST be reality. But that's exactly what we didn't learn, to regulate our emotions and calm them so we could objectively access reality using our emotions as input not as stimulus to a knee jerk reaction.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that you are expressing how you feel, and you should feel really safe doing that here, and there is no judgement on my part for you feeling that way, trust me I've done all that and more. But I want you to hear that its just not true.

AG

Thanks AG. Now could you please repeat that sentence to me every day, maybe every hour, until it sinks in.

OW,
It was my Ts willingness to say this to me over and over and over, in session and in phone calls, that taught me to believe it. He was totally committed to giving me as much reassurance as I needed no matter how much that was. Along with telling me that he understood why I needed it. So I totally understand needing to hear it 10 or 10,000 times.

AG