Hi everyone,

Lately I have been checking in here sporadically and I feel bad about that. I always mean to GIVE support as well as recieve it but I feel I have not kept up my end of the bargain. I am sorry about that. It could be that over the last two years both my parents have been slowly dying. I don't know.

Anyway, my dad died on July 23. It was not a surprise but it is painful. He and I never really had a good relationship. I often believe that the things he has done to me in my childhood and adulthood have gone a long way in actually destroying parts of my life. But it's strange, now that he's died I only remember the good things. At least right now that's the way it is. He was like a little child for months before he passed. Let me tell you if you have not gone through it it messes with your mind to see your big old dad go from being coherent and sometimes mean to being a little kid who smiles when you give him a cookie, who kisses your cheek and says "I love you"

Yeah and of course my therapist is on vacation. Murphy's law I say.

Anyway I am sorry to come here with this. I know I have been absent and not very giving here. Perhaps after my mom dies (she is on the brink) I will have more to give. Though I worry that I may break down when she goes. I wonder how I can prevent that.

Your friend Jo

Hi Jo

I am so sorry to hear about your very recent loss, even if you are expecting a death I think you are never truly prepared for the dreadful shock and void it leaves in your life. I am sorry to hear how ill your mum is too, that must be really tough on you right now, it's such a shame that yout T is on vacation...are you getting support from anyone else - family /friends? Feel free to post as much as you need to

quote:

I always mean to GIVE support as well as recieve it but I feel I have not kept up my end of the bargain.

there is no bargain here, we all give and take at different times Jo so don't worry about that, please. The sharing will help you feel stronger and maybe slightly in a better place to cope with all your sadness,

Take care,

starfish

Hi Jo - My deepest sympathies to you for your loss. Death is never easy. I know when my Gram passed, I thought I was prepared for it but you never are. I send you my best.

Hello Jo

My heart goes out to you in your time of pain. Please accept my sympathy for your loss.

Please don't feel sorry you came here. You are welcome anytime you need to come. Someone is always willing to listen, ok. Don't worry about how much you're able to "give", we're all here for each other.

I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's illness. Do you have support outside of your T? Any friends of yours or friends of your parents?

Please take care of yourself,

Thank you to all of you who have replied and who have taken the time to read my post even if you haven't replied. I appreciate your time.

Forlorn, yes my mom is ill too. She is dying of old age. She is one tough girl though. I do have support outside of my t but not as much as I need. My family (siblings) all quarreled during the extended illness and death of my father. The divisions are deep. I tried to play the middle but no matter what I did there is always someone who disapproves.

Thanks for letting me know it was okay to come here with this.

FOT, I am so sorry about your friend. I know what you mean abotu being in shock. I think I am there too. I will do my best to find peace as I hope you do too and you have a point about Ts not being able to take the pain away but one thing about having a T is they are neutral. I come from a family of pirahnas lol

You're right Smiley, you never really are prepared for the final breath of a loved one. Thanks for your well wishes and concern.

Starfish, I can tell by your reply that you have been through the death of a loved one. Yes there is a void. Oddly though I am talking more candidly to my Dad now then I ever did in life. I feel for the first time he is visiting my home. Seeing my life. Seeing how I really feel. He seems to be giving me an abundance of compassion. I don't know if this is all real but it feels real.

Thanks all of you

Jo

Hi Jo, please feel free to post anytime...I'd like to send you some hugs ((((())))) death is so hard...I could really relate to what you wrote...my father, who was abusive up until near the end when he became ill(and then turned nice and into a kinder/softer person) died approx. nine years ago..and like you...I tend to remember the good times and even feel guilty for just talking to my T about the bad times...and...I'd just like to say that no matter what others may say about 'getting over a death'...everyone has their own time to grieve and their own way to grieve...i'm thinking of you....mlc

Jo, I'd like to offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your Dad. Losing a parent under any circumstances is a very difficult thing. We need time to work through the grief and that can be complicated by our mixed feelings about our relationships with our parents. I know as I've struggled with the death of my mom and the abusive nature of our relationship and my childhood. My therapist has been very supportive in helping me through this.

Please take your time and write when you feel you can. We are here for you.

Big hugs
TN

Dear Jo, I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it is like to have your mom in poor health also. My dad died 12 yrs ago and he was one of the cruelest humans I have ever known. Therapy helped me deal with my dad even after his death. My mom and I went through a terrible time about a year ago but through that time we came to an understanding with one another and we are at peace. It only took us til the ages of 80 and 52. Better late than never. Jo, hang in there. Hang onto the resources that you have for strength.

my prayers to you and your family in this tough time. sincerely, jill

Jo,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father, as well as your mother's failing health. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Take good care of yourself. It's always good to seek support from others, and this is a good place to come for support.

Hugs, Jo.
MTF

((((((Jo))))))

I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. You've been through a lot in the last couple of years, and it sounds like you're doing it mainly alone. How sad (and scary ) that your pirahnas...er, I mean siblings...cannot put their differences aside, at least temporarily. And how awful for you to be stuck in the middle of a no-win situation, when you are needing time and space to grieve, and also needing support as your Mum's health is declining too. So I'm glad you posted, so we can at least give you some support. I like what SF said about there being no "bargains". Please keep posting as you need to.

quote:

Oddly though I am talking more candidly to my Dad now then I ever did in life. I feel for the first time he is visiting my home. Seeing my life. Seeing how I really feel. He seems to be giving me an abundance of compassion. I don't know if this is all real but it feels real.

This sounds real to me...like an amends for what he missed, maybe. Thank you for sharing it, Jo.

Hugs,
SG

((((((FOT))))))

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to be with others who knew her too. I totally agree that we never "get over" losing someone, but that we adjust to living "without" them, and it is really hard. But much harder it is, when it is not talked about...like your family of "clams" . I have had the experience of laughing...through tears of grief...with people who also knew someone I knew who had died. It doesn't make the grief disappear by any means...but something about that kind of conversation is exquisitely healing.

Take good care of you FOT,
SG