My session with my T was this morning and I actually went!! I have to admit I prayed really hard for peace, comfort, a calm mind and clarity of thought, and of course courage, and I thank God for answering my prayers! I am happy to announce that I did it!!! I typed up a 3 page letter yesterday telling my T how I felt, about how much her reactions to my telling her about my attachment to her had caused me to feel rejected and abandoned, how hurt I was that she told me she doesn't want me to be "too dependent" on her and that I feel that means she doesn't want to discuss my needs or my feelings, and that I feel like I am at an impasse in my therapy because I don't feel I can trust her with my feelings and don't think she is able or willing to help me. I also told her (in a limited but honest way) about the internet searching and knowing where she lives. Phew!! I wanted her to read it herself, but she wanted me to read it out loud to her, so that is what I did. I didn't look up once to see any reactions she might have had on her face, but she did make a few sounds here and there, and they were sounds of sympathy, not horror or disgust, so that was a good thing.

Well, I think those of you who know the angst I was feeling are definitely wondering what her reactions to this were. I personally wasn't prepared for or expecting what I got. First, she told me that my letter was beautifully written, and that she knew it took a lot of courage to write all of my feelings down and express them to her, especially because of the fear I was feeling and the risk involved in doing so. Then she apologized profusely for having caused me so much pain and that it had gone on for so long without her realizing my actual feelings or that I was struggling so much, or that my obsession issues were really with her, not my physical therapist. She was really worried that she had totally destroyed my trust in her and asked me if it was completely gone or if I still had any desire at all to try to repair our relationship or if I wanted to just move on. She said she really wanted to help me, that she really cares about me and that her oath to me is to help and to heal, never hurt. Then she started to cry. Now this is a 66 year-old, tough, kick-butt, tell-it-like-it-is, blunt, to-the-point kind of woman, and that is what I love about her (and most likely what I need to find within myself). She can be funny and warm, but "emotional" is not exactly something I had ever thought I would see her be. She asked me if I could ever forgive her. At this point I had been feeling really good that I was finally "heard" and that she was really attuned to my feelings and that she understood how much I had been hurt and the depth of my pain through all of this. It was nice to witness her care for me, but I started feeling guilty at the same time. I so desperately wanted to make HER feel okay. She kept on apologizing until I finally told her I was okay and that I forgive her and she said she was going to obsess about it all day and I asked her please not to and promised her I was okay and we gave each other a hug and she took my hands in hers and we just sat there looking at each other in this strange state of repair while we sat face to face (is this what you'd call limbic resonance, AG?). We both realized and talked about how we had made assumptions about each other and how we need to both work on that.

She related a story to me about a huge mistake she had made a few years ago with a new patient and how it ended up turning out alright in the end, but she could have lost her job over it. She learned a big lesson over it, but was trying to tell me at the same time that communication is BIG, and that I should never put her on a pedestal (which I tend to do with certain professionals I get attached to) because she is very imperfect.

Overall, I felt it was a great session. She told me she knows that attachments in psychotherapy are really important and that she was sorry that she didn't communicate that to me when I brought it up initially. She didn't want me to become so dependent on her that I stopped doing things that she knows I am capable of doing on my own. She wants to see me grow and use the abilities and strengths that she know I have but that she worries I might not think I have. She validated my feelings, made me feel important to her, recognized that what I had to express was difficult and that she appreciated my openness and honesty and willingness to put my vulnerability on the line with her and still try to reach out to her and offer her my trust one more time in giving her a chance to repair our relationship and work things out. I'm really glad I did it, even though it was terrifying and painful. I am now totally exhausted from very little sleep last night and the extreme stress I've been through worrying about this for the past few weeks. I'm so glad it's over. I can honestly say I'm breathing so much easier right now, and I had better sleep like a baby tonight!!!

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I re-read all of your posts on my threads last night and they all helped me get my thoughts together and get my morale back up where it needed to be for today. I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have this wonderful place to come to for support and to feel like I am not alone in the world with my issues. Thank you all so very much. You are all wonderful!!!

MTF

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!! You were SO BRAVE to do this!
And I am thrilled for you that you got such a perfect response. WOW!!
I am doing cartwheels for you and her both.
Your therapy is going to skyrocket from here.
It's a whole new game, baby!

MTF,
YOU DID IT!! I am over the moon for you!! You must feel AMAZING!! Actually reading the letter to her? SO BRAVE!!

That's so wonderfull! I'm really gald for you and I remember that you were so worried and afraid that she wouldn't accept your attachment to her. It's so wonderful to have these feelings accepted and you are really so brave and strong. I never ever had enough courage (a tiny bit of courage) to read anything I wrote to my T. But you did despite all the fear.
I'm happy that your T responded with such care to your feelings. I think that's the most beautiful thing in therapy.
Now you can get your rest and really get started on your journey with your T. I wish you all the best. It's like being born again, straight into the arms of somebody who accepts you with your feelings towards them.
And the way you write about all this, I almost imagine being there and seeing it.
Good luck to you!

((((((((MTF)))))))))

That was UBER-limbic resonance, because at the moment when you were both experiencing disruption and shame, you chose to be vulnerable and exposed to each other, in the midst of pain, you reached for connection and felt how healing it can be. What you did today is the whole point of therapy, learning that a committed loving relationship can tolerate disruption, disappointment, miscommunication and come back stronger than ever. Your T's response was amazing. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. What an amazing risk you took to be willing to be open and honest about your feelings. I am SO grateful it turned out well for you (full disclosure: if it didn't I was a little afraid you'd come after me with the HTML slapper. ).

That was SO good to hear, thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.

AG

MTF, MTF, WAY TO GO!! Here's a high five from me!!! CT's arm-> --*

Hi, MTF, I am so relieved for you! So proud that YOU DID IT!!! And so glad that it turned out like it did, with your relationship with your T healing and becoming stronger. Thank you for sharing the experience as we were all wondering how things were going to go. It feels like we should have ourselves a little tea party now!

Hi MTF
Don't think we've properly introduced ourselves, so hi and can I just add to the well-deserved praise for your bravery. It is an inspiration to me when I see people take that difficult step and feel so much benefit for their efforts and honesty.

starfish

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of praise! I feel SO MUCH BETTER today, and have to admit I slept in until 12:30 p.m. I think my poor body and brain really needed some rest after all the stress they've been through with this mess. It's so nice to feel that I'm in a much better place now with my T. I just hope that SHE is feeling okay about it. She gave me two more hugs right before we went out of her office, like she just wanted to be sure I was okay, but to me she seemed really shaken up about it herself, even as we were walking down the hall on our way to the exit. We decided that she will call me (her idea) on the weeks I don't see her so I can have a bit more contact with her, as I've been feeling disconnected with her between my sessions every other week. We'll see how that goes.



SG:

quote:

I am thrilled for you that you got such a perfect response. WOW!!
I am doing cartwheels for you and her both.
Your therapy is going to skyrocket from here.

Thanks! I felt like it was a perfect response, too. It was perfect for me, anyway. I really feel that she gave me what I needed from her the most. I agree that my therapy will really take off now. Thanks so much for all of your support through this!



seablue:

Can I call you SB? Thanks for your compliments! It was hard, and I do feel pretty good about being "brave". I felt that reading the letter was the only way I could really get it all out there and not fold under the pressure. I would have been a mess otherwise. But it got said, and she was great about it all. I DO feel amazing. Thanks for your support. I hope that you can get your own issues worked out with your therapist, too. It feels really wonderful to just get to the place where you know that it's all good and the real work can begin, without the worry of where you stand with your feelings about the therapist and how they feel about your feelings. There were a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions between both of us, and working it out was the best thing I could have done. Good luck, and if you want some encouragement, let me know and I'll be happy to cheer YOU on!!



Amazon:

You're right, I was worried about her rejecting my attachment. She did the total opposite and it was wonderful. I love your explanation of it as "being born again, straight into the arms of somebody who accepts you with your feelings towards them." That is a beautiful description of how it feels. Thank you for putting that feeling into words. It is lovely.



AG:

quote:

That was UBER-limbic resonance, because at the moment when you were both experiencing disruption and shame, you chose to be vulnerable and exposed to each other, in the midst of pain, you reached for connection and felt how healing it can be. What you did today is the whole point of therapy, learning that a committed loving relationship can tolerate disruption, disappointment, miscommunication and come back stronger than ever. Your T's response was amazing.

Okay, Ms. Technical Writer. No HTML slapper will ever be used on you by moi! Your response actually brought this amazing feeling of re-experiencing the whole thing into my body. How weird is that? I don't know how you do it, but you do. Have you ever thought about being a therapist yourself? Anyway, thanks for so eloquently explaining my experience and putting it into perspective as only you can. You're wonderful and we're so lucky to have you on the forums!!



BB:
Thanks! Yes, my T is awesome and a humble lady, despite her outward tough shell. Thanks for the praise!



CT:
I appreciate the high five. That was creative! Thanks for the praise, too!



Dragonfly:
I LOVE gold stars, and ten million zillion sound like such a huge accomplishment's worth that I would be proud forever. Thanks for the recognition of my accomplishment!



MH:
Bring on the tea party! I could use a party!! After all that stress, a good party and a lot of laughs, fun and silliness sound like just what I need!! Thanks so much for your encouragement through this. It has meant a lot to me!



Starfish:
Hi! Nice to meet you! Thanks for your praise, too! I am so thankful for the benefits my efforts rewarded me with. It really was worth the pain and fear I went through, and I am so glad I did it, even though the "going through it" part was awful. I never knew how tough therapy could be, but I do believe that the rewards can be so wonderful if we are willing to give all we can to the process. Thanks again for your words of kindness! I look forward to getting to know you!

MTF

MTF, it's really wonderful to see how happy you are with this session that went sooo well.
I just wanted to add one thing:

quote:

I love your explanation of it as "being born again, straight into the arms of somebody who accepts you with your feelings towards them." That is a beautiful description of how it feels. Thank you for putting that feeling into words. It is lovely.

I am not sure if I didn't read this words written somewhere in the forum but somebody else before. I really don't remember so I want to give credit to whoever might have put it into this phrase first. )) And it really feels like that sometimes in therapy. I think loving therapist and having this love accepted is one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. Yes, and perhaps reading about your experience brought back some memory...

MTF,
Thank you so much for your kind words; it means a lot to me to know that I am helping. I will not however hold you to your promise not to use the HTML slapper on me. You haven't known me that long and trust me, there will come a time...

I have thought about becoming a therapist (partly because of the responses I get on the forum ) and have actually talked to my T about it. (To my shock, he was rather positive in his response ). After hearing that from him, I have looked into some Master's programs (an MSW degree being the fastest path to clinical practice in NY State) but I'm running into a lot of logistical problems right now. We have one daughter in college and another that is a junior in HS so I'm afraid all the college tuition money is currently allocated for a number of years. Add into that that my becoming a therapist doesn't fit into a lot of family plans without what I consider to be too great a sacrifice on my husband's part, so that right now I don't really see a way for it to happen. All that said, it really is a deep desire on my part and I will continue to look for a way to make it happen that is also considerate of my family. I'm really fascinated by therapy and have done a lot of reading, which my T has been kind enough to be impressed by. So in the meantime, as his suggestion, I'm starting training next week to become a volunteer on a Contact Crisis hot line. It's a free community hotliine where anyone can call to get support. I'm looking really forward to it and am excited about the opportunity to help other people the way I've been helped. Thanks for asking.

AG

Hi SB:

Sorry I never did respond to your reply. That whole experience with my T was a major trip and for four days afterward I was still "processing" the whole thing. Weird. I just kept having my T's face popping into my head with her eyes full of tears and the feelings that brought up for me during the whole experience would resurface and flood over me and I had a really hard weekend. My T ended up calling me Tuesday to see how I was doing, and that helped to stop all of that from happening and brought me some peace, so I am feeling a lot better now.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to get out everything you are dealing with with your T. It's TOUGH. I like what you edited out of your post to me about the two-way thing, and I agree with her. It's not just one-sided, although it's hard to see it as anything different because of the boundaries, and yeah, I think it's hard to get Ts to answer our questions the way we want them to. I still have some questions that were in the letter I read to my T that she didn't answer and I guess I am going to have to bring them up in my next session with her (unless I am willing to just let the questions eat at me for the rest of my therapy with her! ). I wish they could just understand that a couple of honest and open answers would go a long way in helping us understand things that to us are really big and important and that just our being able to feel heard, accepted for where we're at, and to have our feelings normalized is huge in our ability to move toward healing. Have you had anymore progress? Please keep me informed!


AG:

I've "known" you for a while, actually (from reading a lot of your posts on here before I joined the forums officially) and haven't wanted to "slap" you yet, but yeah, I guess you never know! I have really appreciated the input and perspective you add to the boards and know I'm not alone. I think it's great that you are going to volunteer on a crisis line and think you will be fantastic at it!! In fact, maybe you should post the number here so we can all call you when we need help in an emergency! Seriously though, I do understand the family stuff, and they should be your priority. My T has 5 kids and I think she got her MSW when her youngest was in high school. But it has to work for you and your situation. I just think you're really suited for the work, and a crisis line sounds fantastic!! Way to go!!


Amazon:

Regardless of whether you said it or heard it from someone else, I appreciated it because it summed up my experience. I'm glad that reading about my experience brought back a good memory for you!


Thanks again all for your support!

MTF