Hi mlc. Thanks for asking about my therapy... it's going really well for me right now!
First of all, yes you are making sense. It's quite normal to wonder how our t's see us and if we are a paycheck or something more. I guess I'll answer your question by telling you what's been going down with me and my t lately... sorry if this is gonna be too much info, but it's the best way I can answer you!
A few weeks back, i was talking to my t about how I didn't feel like I could sit there and talk to her about some of the things I was struggling with... I feel this need to hide while I talk (see my earlier posts in this thread for more info). Well, the precursor to me asking the question about what ppl think their t's think of them was something my t said in session. I forget what exactly I said, but she responded with "You don't trust that i can meet your needs this way (sitting across from her, looking at her)- what you want is right in front of you but that's where we differ. You seem to think that you can only be close to me/safe in that one way (laying down)." (that sounds harsh in writing but it wasn't at all in session).
Well, all i knew was I felt really sad when she said the line about me not trusting her... it was almost like she was hurt (for me, not for her). It was then that I got this glimpse that it matters to her if I progress or feel safe... it matters to her that I can trust her... something about the way she talked that one day made me really see that she is trying with me, not just existing in the same room I happen to be in.
I thought about that all week and wrote her a letter about it. I told her exactly what I just wrote and she said "well, you're right, I do care. I am sad, not for me but for you and what you're missing out on."
We then talked about reassurance and why I need so much from her and we got into some really deep stuff- and I started crying. Here's the breakdown, I'm paraphrasing, but my words are in [] and my t's in <>:
[but I want you to tell me that you still like me and that you haven't decided to just not care anymore... I need to hear it from you.] <I give you some sort of praise almost every session.> [Yeah, but that's only once a week. I want it EVERY DAY otherwise your feelings could have expired because of something I've done or said.] <I know you want it more often and that strengthens my notion that the kind of reassurance you want doesn't last very long. The kind I'm talking about lasts much longer> [But isn't it subject to change?] <No. Think about it hypothetically in terms of me being a mother (this was not a stretch for me!)... as a child, if I sing your praises all the time and tell you that you're the best at everything and the prettiest and the smartest, you'll end up always needing to hear that from me in order to feel reassured. But, if I tell you all of those things AND I talk to you about why someone doesn't want to be your friend or about things that are difficult, then you can KNOW that no matter what, as someone who cares about you and wants the best for you, I'll always be in your corner. That is true reassurance and that doesn't change.>
Time was almost up at this point. It was quiet for a minute and I knew I was about to have to get up... but I've had this nagging question that I have REALLY been wanting to ask her for the last several weeks, but I haven't let myself. Finally I was really vulnerable and I just said, "can I ask you one more question?" and she said "sure." I could barely get it out because it was so hard to ask... but I did it, I said "do you love me?" I could tell she was looking right at me... it was quiet for a sec and she said, real softly, "Yeah, I do."
Needless to say I was in shock after this session (the good kind of shock this time). I've done some writing and thinking and this is what I have determined... this is part of what's in the letter I'll give my t this week:
I have been feeling closer to you the last few weeks… not afraid you are going to leave me anymore, but like you really are invested in me and care about me. In fact- and this is the part that I RREEEAAAALLLLYYY don’t want to tell you because I’m afraid you’ll take it back or tell me I’m crazy or that you have no recollection of saying this- I actually felt like you meant it when you said you love me.
Do you know what all that changes for me??? I know nothing about YOU has changed… and I know that love in this context is different than most other love I will experience… but it changes things completely for me. Gone is the fear that you will simply banish me or give up on me… and gone is the threat that I will spill my entire life- my thoughts, fears, passions and flaws- in front of you while remaining meaningless in your eyes.
You know, my mother used to tell me she loved me a lot. She’d tell me in a very needy, clingy way… or she’d tell me she loved me when she really wanted to say thank you… or she’d use it to motivate or punish me. For a long time, like most other things, I’ve lived off of her definition of love… that if I didn’t experience love in the way she taught me to, then it wasn’t really love. But it feels SO amazingly different with you. You aren’t trying to extract good deeds from me or fill yourself up based on what I give back to you. As hokey and corny as this sounds… I feel like you’re teaching me what maternal love is really supposed to feel like. And I believe that is the way in which you love me. And the mere THOUGHT that you think I am worth it… that I deserve your attention… well, it makes me cry. It makes me happy because I have you and it stings because she couldn’t give it to me.
I hope this helps mlc. I hope this not only helps you feel that your t is invested in you, but I hope that you have the courage to ask her. I waited and wondered for a long time... if she'd care if I just randomly died or if she was going to give up in me or if I was no different than everyone else in her office. But what I'm learning is all the stuff that tells me I am worthless... all the awful things I'm afraid she's thinking... those are just really the things I really fear and think about myself. Plus, remember that our t's are human and not impervious. They keep themselves in check (hopefully), but just because they don't show us how they feel the way others do doesn't mean they don't feel for us. A certain level of care/love has to come from them for us to even connect- they have to be open to the connection for it to really work.
Let me know if this helps.
-CT