Thanks for being angry right along with me, Lamplighter. It's nice to be understood. I thought it was supposed to be my T's job to be understanding, but lately what I'm getting from her is criticism. Maybe she is right that I just don't want to like myself. OK, she wins. But you are right that her saying it that way isn't likely to illicit a positive reaction from me.

Last night I texted T to complain that I felt trapped in a corner because (1) I can't express my feelings to her since she criticizes them, (2) I can't write out my thoughts because she refuses to read them, and (3) I can't cut. End result is I am all stopped up, and something has to give! So guess what her reply was? Another smart-aleck remark: "You are trapped only in your mind." Really? Thanks for dismissing this crisis state I find myself in as just fantasy. That helps tremendously to diffuse the mounting pressure. (just a tad bit of sarcasm intended). At the moment I almost hate her as bad as myself.

MH, sorry that you missed out so much of your session... really annoying
I think your T gave you some homework to do so perhaps the next session will go really well. I know you are in disagreement with her about the cutting. And the self hatred... Maybe before the salf hatred was something you did absolutely unconsciously, it was not something you were aware of, it was just the way you ware, it would not be something you would think of, right? So know she named it for you. It is something you are aware of. Something you can name and see for yourself. I think you can't expect that it will just vanish over night, but now you already know your enemy. I think the big step is knowing. You can't force yourself to like yourself. But you know that you hate yourself.

I think the fact that you are trapped now may make you look for a way out and find one.
Good luck MH. You kind of sound strong.
take care...