seems lately that SO many of us have kids of our own and are bravely going into uncharted territories of parenting in healthy ways and NOT PASSING ON ANY OF THE TOXIC PARENTING WE RECEIVED.

thought we could help each other, as some things get revealed to me through therapy that i see are so important, or T teaches me somehow.

i'll start:

- it is more important who you ARE with your kids, than, so much what 'answers' you have for them...what you DO. BEING there, listening to them through their emotions is so important. we don't always have to know what to say!! takes some of the anxiety off of me, and to be able to reply, 'son, i will have to think about what my advise is in this, but i see your anger and let me think on it'... (sure y'all could say it better, but you get my drift)

- to hug your child EVERY DAY and tell them you love them EVERY DAY

- to look your child in the eye (something my parents couldn't do...weird!!)

- to NEVER use sarcasm, ridicule, humiliation...even joking, kids DON'T get this as a joke (big 'fun' my parents had with me)

- to let them know you will ALWAYS be there for them...unconditional love/prodigal son

- to let them know there is nothing they can do to make you love them MORE and nothing they can do to make you love them LESS. (love this one as i grew up in a semi-catholic setting of earning our worth, and i never could measure up)

- to encourage them, lift them up from below, rather than belittle them to hope they get the message to 'cut that out'.

- to VALUE what they have to say, ask their opinion on family matters...i see my little one just 'puff up' when his opinion is asked for...

- to know that tolerance of frustration is one of the biggest skills to teach them to endure...along, in the same mold, with resilience to setbacks, and delayed gratification.

- to have firm boundaries (big struggle here for me to elaborate much on as this is probably my biggest problem...as i grew up in an ever-changing marshmallow world of irregular boundaries and only unspoken, unpredictable rules)

- 'nuther big one...when we DO make a mistake, and we all will, to OWN it, to apologize, saying the words "i am sorry for..." and ask for forgiveness, and to move forward, to let it go, to not remind yourself in your head about it and continue beating yourself up. and to not remind them, if they erred, about it. to literally 'pick yourself UP, dust yourself OFF, and move forward'. BIG ONE HERE, as any mess up i would do would be another 'jill story' where my parents would humiliate me for my error....for years, honestly, kindergarten stories of how i embarrassed my mom, for over 40 years i have heard that one. so f-ing funny. my t told me, that adding the words 'to YOU', when they say this, "mom this story is so funny TO YOU, i find it hurtful and belittling, stop it NOW!"

oh so many more, but seems this is something we could all help each other on!!!

jill

I love this one:

quote:

to let them know there is nothing they can do to make you love them MORE and nothing they can do to make you love them LESS

I don't have kids and I don't know if I ever will.
I think untill I entered therapy I didn't understand how people pass on their shit into their children.
I do envy kids sometimes having loving decent and aware parents. At least I can have something with my T. Better late than never I guess.

great post jill!

I don't have kids either (can I still join in?) I want to have them someday... I'm worried they would be so jacked up by me... shiesh, I'm still trying to not mess up a horse.

I don't want to pass down the icky parenting skills my parents had and yet also remember we are all human. I have worked with kids a lot (job/voluteer stuff - and it's very different than being a parent) and it is really interesing to see how different familes are.

I think I'd add:

- consistency. I had none. consistency and authenticity. let the kids know they can trust you are you...

I love what you said about asking forgiveness Jill. If you are authentic with your kids that sometime you the parent may screw up, like asking them to forgive you if you yell at them something awful, those kids seems to do better than the parents who never admit a mistake and try to be perfect too much - or even never accidentally screw up and yell at their kids something awful (and that's not ok.) I dunno...

kids amaze me. parents do too. it's an awfully hard job and I admire any parent that works to do the best they can to do it different, and do it well, and be aware...

Great post Jill. I have three children and I agree with what you wrote.

I find a have a hard time not over analyzing everything that I do with my kids because I'm so afraid of messing them up. Of course, I can safely say that no matter what my kids won't need as much therapy as me! I don't abuse my kids, never have and never will. If anything the biggest mistake that I've made is being overprotective. I'm working on that.

On the issue of admitting mistakes, that is a huge one for me and I try to do that often and with sincerity. My son (11) has an issue with chronically apologizing for things that he should not be apologizing for. Well, recently he did it again and I got the feeling that part of it might be that he somehow got the idea that I expected him to be perfect. So, I sat him down and I said, "I notice that you often apologize for things that are not your fault. I sense that it might be that you feel that I am expecting you to be perfect. If I've given you that message then I'm so sorry and I want you to know that it is MY issue and that is about ME and work that I need to do. It's not about you and I don't expect you to be perfect." He seemed relieved. I know that I have unintentionally given messages that I did not want to give or he has picked up on my own issues. I hate that, but I can't undo the past, but I can take ownership of that and let him know that I am doing so.

My parents NEVER took any responsibility for anything. It was all my fault.

Oh so many things I have been determined to do with my kids so as not to have them experience some of what I did....

I love all the replies so far, I have a few to add, mine are grown up now, but I really tried to stand by all of these as they were children

1. Tell them every day at least once that I love them. Now they are both at Uni and when they txt or call, they still always tell me the same back
2. Never hit them or physically punish them
3. Encourage them to be open, to know they can tell me anything...I may not like it, but it will not affect my love for them
4. Tell them that they never have to do anything that they feel uneasy or morally uncomfortable about and it's ok to say 'no'.
5. Be strict enough to allow for discipline and the safety of understanding boundaries, but lenient enough to allow for individuality and to learn by mistakes
6. Letting them know that I am proud of them whatever they do and that I will always be there for them

I agree with you all who say that we worry about passing our own experiences on to our kids. I had the same angst...T would say that the mere fact that I worry proves that I care and would therefore not be likely to. The people who don't have this care are the ones to worry about....I am far from perfect I know, but was so determined not to do what was done to me...

STRMS

quote:

If anything the biggest mistake that I've made is being overprotective. I'm working on that.

That's a hard one and it felt scary to let them grow up and go away. I see danger in every situation and my mind can imagine all sorts of scenarios. So it was hard to make them streetwise enough to live away from home at uni independently, without implanting any of my (usually slightly irrational) fears.

starfish

Oh, this is a good one Jill...I would say, our culture seems to emphasize that kids are supposed to be trained to be as little like kids as they can possibly be, at the youngest age possible...so as to cause the least amount of trouble to their parents that they can. My take is that kids are first and foremost, people...smaller, with more needs...people. I learned in the middle of attachment to my T the pain involved there, means, treat your kids the way you want your T to treat you...that is my yardstick. don't neglect, listen, don't judge, be available...be for them. It's impossible. But in trying, there is more hope than in not trying. How do you overcome parent guilt?

BB

Ooo I love this topic! Everyone has great responses. I’m not a parent yet and won’t be for a couple (or few) more years, but I think (and worry) about being a good mom often. I definitely think that along with everything else that therapy is teaching me, it’s also teaching me to be a good mom, and how to not “repeat the patter” as Jill said. Its one thing to say “Oh, I’m not going to treat my kids like my parents treated me,” but it’s another thing ACTUALLY change these subconscious patterns through therapy.

amazon, you are so perceptive, to not have kids and to 'get' this whole passing on thing. wish i'd a had this counseling before kids, so good you are doing it now, my friend!! and maclove, you will have SO much behind you that parenting one day (!) will be so much better and more natural!!

jane, yes, consistency was not to be had at my house either...except to say that it was consistently AWFUL!! does that count?? and yes, of course you can join! you brought up a great goal in consistency that i maybe need to reexamine!!

dragonfly, yes, humiliation was one of my parents favorite emotions for us... any mistake was a celebration of embarrassment for me, so letting them make mistakes without embarrassment! great notion, i will try to incorporate that.

STRM, yes, i overthink and overanalyze, and overFEEL for them, too. i guess misery loves company, but for us, maybe the awareness is a great first step, and i always have to remind myself, like you alluded to in saying they won't need AS MUCH therapy as we do!! that this perfection deal...that i tried to do to 'be loved' is huge. you sounded SO good in what you said to your son. don't you love when you gain THAT type of response by all our time in our own therapy. sometimes i steal lines straight from the day in therapy to use that night!! a side benefit!! and STRM, all the problems of the world when we were little were MY fault, how could they have been YOURS too!! hmmmm, sounds like it was our parent's fault.

starfish, two points you made:
3. Encourage them to be open, to know they can tell me anything...I may not like it, but it will not affect my love for them
5. Be strict enough to allow for discipline and the safety of understanding boundaries, but lenient enough to allow for individuality and to learn by mistakes

those are concepts i have not really thought through, and are SO SO GOOD! you, being an experienced mom, could teach volumes i am sure. and these 'boundaries'...man, i have SO MUCH TO LEARN THERE. mine are young teenage boys (13 and 15) and i would love you to elaborate on these boundaries if you could! my ears are thirsty for your wisdom!! thanks!

BB, wow, your quote: "treat your kids the way you want your T to treat you...that is my yardstick. don't neglect, listen, don't judge, be available...be for them. It's impossible. But in trying, there is more hope than in not trying. How do you overcome parent guilt?" yes, i am learning to listen better without 'alarm' and judgment, so many things from T, this 'low reactive listening' is so vital to getting them to open up even more...but then the empathy, watching my t gives me alot of lessons in this. just 'be FOR them' ... what a concept!! my parents didn't get THAT memo! parental guilt...still not sure quite what you meant, i feel guilt for any ounce of what i am passing on to them, but i do have to remember, i am MILES ahead of what my parents offered me as a child, and somehow, i am still alive. and some people think i am sane. and DF, commented too on this. i guess the one thing i have learned about guilt, and i have much to learn as it was the number one string my parents manipulated me through. T1 laid this novel concept out for me...."guilt = sin"...without sin, there should be NO guilt" i'll say this is simple, but a toughie for me, as i felt massive guilt for just existing. i was a burden, and just had no worth, in my own parentally influence perception of my self. guilty for just being, no inherent right to have any need for love, affection, encouragement. i had food, clothes, piano lessons, toys, and (damn it) that should be enough. was the feeling i carried away, and i believed it, and that all these other needs (love, etc.) were just silly stuff and weakness on my part. so friends, let's all say this together...."GUILT REQUIRES THERE TO HAVE BEEN SIN!!!" ok!

thanks all for the great stuff, keep it coming, i know just looking at what i DIDN'T have would provide volumes!! xxoo jill

"Don't Feel" - Kids learn not to feel because…
Expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness are not allowed because they may trigger the same in the parent""

i just read this and this is a biggie for me, thought it might help some of you too, i know i don't 'feel', or if i do, it is this overwhelming anxiety about what, i do not know, but i know that if my kids are suffering from a negative emotion, i probably have given them, unconsciously, the message to not feel, as i am so overwhelmed as i take their emotions on myself and feel SO HEAVILY for them that they are overwhelmed by their effect on me, to the point where they begin to stuff their emotions.

this is something i really want to work on, and something i know we all see from our t's, and yes, it frustrates me, as often i can't get a 'rise' out of them, and it is confusing to me, as i obviously grew up with the pattern i may be setting up, in that, my mom couldn't handle when we had negative emotions, so we learned to stuff them. now, i am seeing, we as parents need to be like our t's, and be the nuetral yet empathetic blank slate they are free to download their emotions onto, as we appear we can handle them, we appear they don't lose love by having negative emotions, we appear calm which makes them feel safe and somewhat normalizes their feelings. anyway, lots to this statement, and i hope it helps someone, it sure helps me to begin to see how this toxin gets passed down, and i pray for each of us to be the generation that stops it!!

jill