I'm supposed to be in a sprint triathalon soon. It was to honor my mother's battle against cancer - three times, three different cancers (of the same kind, but not recurrance of the same orginial cancer tumor). I wasn't able to be there for her during a good part of her chemo, and it was so hard for me to be as far away as I was while she fought it. She is now cancer free.

I've been "training" for this race for quite some time. At lunch today, I came home and tripped and knocked a pan of hot water over that spilled on my leg. It's a bad burn.

I may not be able to race... The bike and run will be hard, but the swim? If this doesn't heal really super fast, I could be out of the race entirely.

My mom said a couple days ago she was so proud of me for racing. She never says that kind of stuff. she's the only family member I'm really close with...

Doc says I may not be able to race.

I am so upset. I feel like a silly little kid, I feel so small, so broken... and mad. I'm and not giving up. Screw cancer and screw this stupid burn.

I'm beside myself with tears. This, I wanted THIS. I could do this race. I don't want this too taken from me. Off to go get more burn first aid. I'm doing this. I am not giving up. I have another week, I'm gonna give my body every chance to heal enough.

As much as this race meant to me, I'm surprised by how much this setback is getting to me. I've had a million setbacks while training. This one, it's just so close...

I am surprised by how small and almost childish and scared I feel. I drempt last night my T died. I think I was maybe really dealing with the much deeper fear of losing my mother? Now this.

No more tears. I making a chocolate cake. And going for a run. I can run. I can bike. And hopefully, in a few days, I can swim. I don't even know why I want to do this so badly.

I called my T today - and I just broke down in tears. I couldn't even leave a message. Hearing her kind voice just brought on an onslaught of tears.

I'm sorry if this seems whiney or complaining. im super (overly) heartbroken and I'm NOT GIVING UP. NOT THIS. even though I know, it really doesn't matter this much, and my mom would understand... I just can't let go of this stupid race...

grr.



ever have something small like this pull on a deep wound in your heart?

Oh no dear Janedoe....how heartbreaking....all of that training (although I cannot even imagine how much training goes into a triathalon....but I am sure lots and lots....)...and the hope of honouring your mother's three time battle against cancer...oh my heart is heavy for you....

You are not sounding whiney or complaining....just hurting.....I send warm healing thoughts your way....perhaps you will heal in time for the race!!!!!!????

I'm so sorry Janedoe. I hope that the burn heals quickly and you will still be able to race. How heartbreaking to get this far and be at risk of losing your chance to race.

Oh JD I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt so badly (in so many ways) by that burn. You know what shines through though? Your absolute determination that you’re going to do that race, no matter what! Yay for you!!!!

And hey I’m really glad your mother beat the cancer (is that like mother like daughter perchance?)

Fingers crossed that you can heal your body in time for the race. Go JD

LL

JD,
How disappointing! I am so sorry. You've worked so hard to get to this point. I hope your leg heals quickly!! Sending healing thoughts....

((JD)) Hope youe heal quickly! Your determination is wonderful.

janedoe
How very disappointing for you..I know how much effort and training you would have put in to prepare for that. Hope your leg gets better soon,

starfish

I'm so sorry, Jane Doe. What bad luck. This would be disappointing no matter what the circumstances, but it's much harder when it's something that you had such an emotional investment in, even greater than you thought, it sounds like.

The strength of your reaction doesn't surprise me at all. A few years ago, I broke my toe just under a month before my first 5K. Just stubbed it really hard on a dumbbell on my floor and broke it. I was hysterical. The run was a charity run for breast cancer, which my grandmother, who had died a few months before, defeated back in the 1960s. Fortunately I was able to do the run in the end, but the thought of not being able to was just infuriating. All because I stubbed my stupid toe. I was beside myself. So I relate to how you're feeling now, and I sympathize. It's an awful feeling.

I'm wishing you a speedy recovery. Take good care of yourself.

AW, Jane...that completely sucks. I am so sorry for the setback. That being said, listen to your Dr.. If you shouldn't race, then, quite simply, you shouldn't race. your mom would be proud of you for taking care of YOU, too. That is equally difficult, maybe, even MORE difficult. You needn't punish yourself. that being said- your determination is absolutely inspiring. If it becomes truly impossible to race...then turn that determination towards the equally painful goal of caring for yourself...and I believe, as a mom myself...you could do that for your Mom, as well.

Love,

BB

Sarah, STRM, smiley, seablue, starfish- thank you so much for good thoughts and the encouragement!

I do hope I heal in time… maybe…

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
And hey I’m really glad your mother beat the cancer (is that like mother like daughter perchance?)

I'm so glad my mom survived too! and - hehe, yeah, we are both a bit stubborn/resilent - although she claims I get the stubborness from my father

Thanks LL, for your kind words!

quote:

Originally posted by ultraviolet:
but maybe this experience will lead to a new insight in your life?

Parallel how no longer having the opportunity to achieve your goal with an inner core issue....just a thought.

I like this idea!!! There are actually some parallels and some core issues and challenges really being stirred up by this. hmmm.... much to sort through... Thanks for your words of encouragement too UV!

Agent - ouch! Glad your foot ended up ok. I’m glad your grandmother beat breast cancer, and I’m sorry she’s gone now. That’s so cool that you were even going to run in the 5K. For me, it’s taken a couple of races coming and going before I felt like I could do this.

Blackbird - you are so right. In the end, if my doc says no, I won’t. I told her today that she would just have to tell me "no" I can’t race if it‘s too risky. (Because I know I won’t listen to simply, “it's not a good idea.” I‘ll just march ahead anyhow.) And yeah, my mom would understand too... it’s so hard to even picture that though...

sigh. I feel so sad.

Last night I was so upset I went to the rec center, leg wrapped up and all. The guy at the front desk said, “you look like a burn victim. What happened?” I told him “Actually, I had a fight with a pan of hot water and it won.” He laughed and it felt good to joke about it a little. But the sadness has been so close - I got on a bike and pedaled... trying to run away from the tears...

(there is huge irony in this - I was trying to run away from the pain, by pedaling away on a stationary bike. only I would seek to run away using a stationary bike. It's gotta be some kinda of all-too-true metaphor for my life. it's a good symbol of me trying to run away from myself. it's like trying to run away from something on a stationary bike. I go nowhere despite all the effort.)

In the midst of all of this, there have been some HUGE insecurities stirred up in a massive way. They were all there already, and I think this just broke the flimsy dam holding some of it back...

Except for this 'I’m gonna go-bike-anyhow' moment last night, I've been compelled to care for myself so gently without the usual huge battle with myself about it. I wonder why it is easier this time around... ?

I saw my T today and she was kind. We talked sorta slowly, gently, and easily. There were some really long pauses, but they were comfortable silences. We talked about the storm of insecure-ness being stirred up inside.

My leg is looking better today. It has at least stopped oozing so much. ack, TMI! yes, I know. So I will stop there...

Thanks again for all the encouragement and support everyone. I felt so silly for posting this, but you all have warmed my heart in the middle of a lot of tears... thank you so much.

good news - my leg is healing faster than expected. It's still questionable if I can do the race, but hopeful - but I'll know by Saturday when the doctor checks it and give me th eifnal yes or no on the race.

My mom... oh... she asked how I was doing and feeling and how my leg was. I sent her an email saying I saw the doc today and looks like hopefully I can do the race and will know for sure by saturday. My mom just now sent me a message saying she is "proud of you training for the this."

i'm near 30 years old and i can't remember any time in my life my mom has said she is proud of me. and she said she is proud of me training. not completing, just the training and trying.

i'm near 30 years old and i'm still so... these words from my mom mean so much to me. i'm comforted and happy and so sad - all at the same time...

i'm around 30 but the thing i feel most of all? i wish i could do more to make her proud of me.

no more tears, oh please, no more tears... why do I fight the tears that come anyhow? :grumble grumble: ...off to go grab my 'trusty toliet paper roll' (out of kleenex)

I got the ok from the doctor and did the race and finished!!! Yay!!! I used a lot of clever bandaging from my doctor - and still part of it got a mild reaction/infection - I dunno - the water was awfully green… but went to medic station at the end and they cleaned it out and my doc gave me some super killer crème and my leg already looks back to ‘normal’ already and hopefully the burn will finish healing well. I’m just so glad I got to race It was a pretty fun race too - everyone was really kind and it was just fun to celebrate my mom at the end too. I raced! I finished! even when it seemed impossible… not really sure how…. I think someone (God?) might be hitting me over the head with the proverbial 2x4 to keep hanging on to hope and love (and duct tape) even when it seem like all is lost…

and the best part was doing it for my mom


A couple of hours after the race, I had a huge panic attack. I dunno why or what triggered me, and I don’t normally have them, but this last week has been filled with them (lots of non-race stuff triggering it) and I caught this image of myself in a reflection of a window. With my eyes squinted, and using a lot of imagination, I actually looked strong and ready in my race shirt and gear, like a warrior athlete, and yet, I also visually looked so frail as I was shaking, curled up, and slightly rocking to calm myself.

i guess i'm a little of both somehow...

So happy to hear you were able to race, JaneDoe!!! Woo-hoo!!



Way to go, Warrior Woman!!!

SG

JaneDoe You're Awesome!!!!

That's so good you were able to do the race and even more that you did it for your mom.

So Wonderful! I'm very happy for you. Whoooo HOOO!!!

quote:

I think someone (God?) might be hitting me over the head with the proverbial 2x4 to keep hanging on to hope and love (and duct tape) even when it seem like all is lost…

janedoe, i am so proud of you, what you went through to accomplish this. sometimes i do think God has to hit me with a 2x4 to get my attention. and He has a way of accomplishing His mission. so your words 'when it seems like all is lost'...to still have hope. that is really inspiring, thanks janedoe for sharing that success story with us. yes, the silver lining in all this for me is God becoming a central (altho i teeter away at times) focus in my life and modeling that for my kids, boys, and their future wife selection...i hope and pray. awesome for you jane!! jill