You know you've all been thinking it.

Seriously though, this time of year is awful. I think it's something t's invented so that there would be this one part of the year when all of us would realize how awful things are, how dysfunctional our families are, and how much we NEED THERAPY! It's definitely job security for mental-health professionals in my opinion. Hate to be a grinch... but MAN, THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I know a lot of you are without your p's and t's now, and will be for a few weeks... and I'm on that boat with you. I saw my T yesterday, and while I knew she'd be away for awhile after that appointment, I was NOT expecting to have the session I had.

Obviously, I was hoping for a smooth, calm, comforting session where no real buttons got pushed and I could leave for two weeks feeling warm and fuzzy. But NO. That was not the case at all. It was absolutely the opposite of what I'd hoped for and what I've experienced with her in the past prior to other vacations. Neither of us really meant to take the session in the direction it went in, but it seemed relevant and natural... just horrible timing. See, I've recently found some long, lost family members who are willing to talk openly and honestly about past happenings/abuse/dynamics. I've had a series of emails going back and forth with them (my aunt and uncle that I haven't seen since I was about 8), and I've shared all of them with my t. What I also told my t is that I feel like I'm not going to fit in with my cousins if I meet them and that i already feel below them and less than them. I talked to her about how I feel like they won't like me and that I'm sub-par... yadda yadda yadda... anyway, we got into this discussion about how I don't feel like I fit in at school (college) and how I tend to not speak unless spoken to in presence of my peers; I seem unable to interact with people my age (I'm really good with people between the ages of 0-10 and 35+, it's just that middle age group I can't handle!). Anyway, she kept asking me why I feel so "less than" and she was pointing out that my fears come from within me and not from other people. She said that she wishes I didn't "compare my insides to my fantasies of everyone else." I kept telling her that there not just fantasies- that I really am different and weird and that people don't want to talk to me or be around me. I tired to tell her that I don't fit in but she said that all the experiences I talk abuot with her don't seem awkward or like I don't fit it. I wasn't getting frustrated or anything becuase I knew she was listening and just giving me her honest thoughts... but I just got really sad because this is a VERY old wound that I have NEVER talked about with anyone. I didn't even mean to talk to her about it but it was right there in the room with us... and I just started crying and crying and I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop. It was awful. And then of course it was coming to the end of the session and I was still crying and I just sat there and cried really hard... then I took a deep breath, handed her my check and left without saying bye or anything. I don't think i looked at her the whole session and couldn't tell you what she was wearing. I practically ran out to my car and cried really hard for another HOUR all alone.

I called her crying from my car and told her that THIS was the exact reason I never wanted to cry with her... that I just KNEW the moment I did I would have to leave, unable to stop crying and then she'd go off WITH HER FAMILY for two weeks and leave me all alone. I know it wasn't intentional because she said as much at the end of the session- that she hated for things to end on this note- but it still happened. Isn't she supposed to be in control? Well, I eneded up writing her a letter and faxing it to her once I got to work telling her that I was sorry that I didn't say bye and that I hoped she had a safe trip too and that I really hope she comes back from her trip.

I was also able to write down more about why i was crying- stuff I just couldn't say out loud... about how part of why I feel like I don't fit in is because I'm fat and ugly and everyone just looks at me and assumes I'm just another fat-ass and doesn't want to associate with me. She called and left me a message later in the day saying that she is really sorry things ended on the note they ended on and that she wants me have a relaxing time while I'm out of school. She also said that she cares about me and that she understands more about why I was so upset, but she's glad that I was able to stop crying. She also talked about something else I wrote about (something where I am catching blame/responsibility for something that wasn't my doing) and it was nice because she expressed frustration FOR me and I love it when she shows me some emotion on my behalf. It makes me feel like she really does care.

ANYWAY, it was awful and sad and I really can't wait to see her again (on the 5th). Life is going to be ROUGH for the next few weeks, but you know what? Even though things didn't go as planned and I didn't have this awesome, calm, relaxing session (it was pretty much a nightmare actually), I feel okay today. I know she does care and i really do hope she has a nice holiday. I wish I were WITH her for the holiday, but i don't feel unloved like i thought I would. I guess even really shitty, untimely sessions don't mean that our t's/p's don't care. I think it's just part of it. And while I will miss my t in a very physical, achy, sad way, I suppose I'll live. I suppose we all will, and I appreciate my shitty session for AT LEAST teaching me that.

BAH HUMBUG and maybe a little, teeny, tiny bit of holiday cheer too.

-CT

I know what you are talking about all to well. I will see my T tomorrow (because he is just that awesome to see me on Christmas Eve) and I'm seriously thinking about bringing a game to play or something so that I don't end up in a state like that. It ALWAYS seems to happen - I think it's our subconscious plotting against us ...

On a more positive note, it does sound like you got some really good stuff out! I hope you are able to pick up on that after the holidays and make some good progress.

Yeah, we have to survive the wonderful festive season.
You better off then me - I'm seeing my T on the 11 (3 weeks time).
Maybe however shitty it felt, that session was really good for you, cause all the creying came out insted of being stuck in there for two weeks. I wish I could have a shitty session like that which would send me a step further and closer to my T.
I was hoping to get something out of my session, but I'm shutting down completely. Again I give him hints and tips so hopefully he will think, do something. I asked him if he ould push me somehow. Very often during the session I feel nothing. I look at him almost emotionless, although I love him very much. I would love to burst out with emotions the way you did, even if it was so difficult.

Hey CT

I think I've talked to you enough to be able to say that I think you are a fabulous person and very brave. You have taught so many people here so many things .. me especially! You shouldn't feel 'less than' anyone, regardless of the age group.

I'm sorry that your last session wasn't ideal, but like the others (and yourself) have said; you learned something from this session and that is the whole purpose of the journey. I wish I had gotten to the point where I could have shared any feeling with my P, let alone cry with her - maybe if I was strong enough to go 'there' she would still be my Dr.

I think it is truly awesome that your T is able to let you know how much she cares about you - that in itself is a special gift.

You'll have some time to process this before your next session and you'll have a whole new branch to crawl out onto .. just think of the healing that could begin to take place.

I agree with you about the Holidays sucking however The best part is not having to go to school for a couple of weeks. Be well CT and know that there are people out here who think you are great!

Merry Christmas to you and your hubby

Holz

CT, thanks for writing up this experience. It sounds awful, like you touched on the core of something really important at just the wrong time. The resilience at the end of this post comes through really strongly... I hope that that just keeps on unfolding in you over the break.

Hi CT yep they sure do suck!!!

You know, from what happened at your last session, the thing that inspired me most about you is how you were able to ring her and write/fax her afterwards. You are amazing. Being able to communicate your emotions even though you were in so much pain shows your strength and spirit.

Thank you for being an inspiration and I hope you are doing ok today.

Hi Everybody, thanks so much for all of your responses. I hope your holidays haven't been sucking TOO much and that everyone is coping safely without their t's/p's.

I for one had an awful trip over Christmas... went to see family in Oklahoma (i live in Texas) and we got caught in a FREAKING BLIZZARD. A blizzard? In Oklahoma? I'm not even kidding! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THAT SHIT! I'm from T-E-X-A-S... 50 degress (F) is cold for me! Anyway, it was a nightmare... our 5 hour trip turned into 9.5 hours... 2 of which were spent PARKED in the middle of a highway... FYI- I almost peed in the middle of the highway, but I managed to hold it... the fear of my BUM tuching the snow gave me the strength to keep my legs squeezed TIGHT!

Heather-

quote:

I know what you are talking about all to well. I will see my T tomorrow (because he is just that awesome to see me on Christmas Eve) and I'm seriously thinking about bringing a game to play or something so that I don't end up in a state like that.

FANTASTIC IDEA!! Hmmmm what game to bring... Guess Who? or maybe LIFE? or Twister? hehe Seriously though, how'd it end up?

Amazon- I think you're right about not stuffing down the crying for another 2 weeks... but it was exhausting. How are you holding up?

Holz- Thanks. I usually don't see that I've "taught" anyone here anything... and btw, I think it's a GOOD THING that your old P isn't your Dr. anymore. I know it hurts but long term, I think you're moving in the right direction.

HB-

quote:

The tears are hopefully the first step in loosening the death grip you have on yourself. If you give yourself a chance, you will begin to see the precious person that many of us here got to know a while back. And i can tell you now, she is worth getting to know. Please give yourself a chance, you have so much to give and offer and share and you are greatly valued and enjoyed.

No wonder you cried so much, i would to if i was as awful to myself as you have been to yourself. At the end of the day, you are all you have got and how you treat yourself is the most important thing.

So yes, i hope you have a happy holiday and that you discover at least 25 wonderful things about yourself in the next few days. Imagine how differently you would feel about everything with a list of your good points to guide and sustain you when everyone else lets you down.

GULP. Ummm 25 things? That's a lot. I don't think I can manage one. I don't know how to "give myself a chance." And this death grip is the only way I know how to operate... it's where I get motivation from. i guess the way I see it is the reason I am so inept and in need of therapy is BECAUSE I only have me to rely on and I keep letting myself down... idk if that makes sense...

Jones and Halo... thanks for your words of encouragement. I think this is a core issue too.

I really have been missing my t alot. I called her tonight even though she is on vacation until the 4th. i just told her that I miss her and for a moment this afternoon, I got excited cuz I thought I'd get to see her tomorrow (my regular day) but then I got all disappointed again because I realized she's gone. I told her that I miss her and I know she won't call me back right now but i just wanted to say hi.

I feel like a nerd now... feel stupid for calling, but it's almost like I just needed to be sure that she'd think of me at least ONCE over the break... kinda like I wanted to force myself into her head... I wanna skip work and life and just go sit outside her office until she comes back next week... I think I'm a WEEEEEE bit attached, huh?

I've been really emotional since my last session... broken down crying twice in the last week and just very easily overwhelmed (well, the blizzard/near-death experience was worthy of a breakdown IMO... stupid fluffy white cold shit). But I'm just ready for a session. i have so much I need to process and I just feel like everything is on hold.... i wanna call every ten minutes and be like "are you back yet?" "are you back yet?"... it's like I can't feel if she's not within city limits or something....

All for now....
-CT

quote:

FANTASTIC IDEA!! Hmmmm what game to bring... Guess Who? or maybe LIFE? or Twister? hehe Seriously though, how'd it end up?

Twister, oh dear, that wouldn't trigger those pesky erotic thoughts and feelings I was thinking about Settlers of Catan or Mille Bornes.

I ended up having something I wanted to talk about, so I didn't bring a game. I had a really nice session though, curled up with my head on his shoulder the entire time, rambling aimlessly

I am totally going to bring a game one day though, I'll let you all know what happens when I do!

CT... I'm sorry that somehow I missed this thread. I'm glad you are safe and out of the snow now. On a side note, I once spent 11 hours stuck on a bus in a raging blizzard on a highway just outside of NYC!! I was finally rescued by a friend's bro in law who had a 4 wheel drive and was out looking for us. This was pre-cell phone days and he had to stop at each stranded bus on the highway and yell for us. I'll never forget him. It was harrowing and I'm used to snow living in the northeast, so I feel for you.

That said, I know how hard it is when your T is away. I've been in a pretty awful place since Christmas with my T gone. I think you are very brave to call your T. I'm sitting here agonizing over whether I should email my T because I miss him so damn much. I'm not even sure I'm "allowed" to feel this way. I feel angry that I miss him and that I need contact with him. I feel pathetic.

I'm glad you were able to finally let loose those tears that have been bottled up inside of you. This will make room for you to take in other things. I think you have finally begun to mourn and grieve those old deep hurts. They need to be honored with a time of mourning and recognition so you can finally move on and away from them. I know how hard it is to have to leave a T when you are in a state like that. And I'm very familiar with the fear that once I start crying I will drown both of us and be unable to stop and go back to the real world.

I can see real growth in the way you have handled this. That you were able to fax her and tell her more about what was happening with you that day, about the old hurts from the past. You have really been open with her and this is a really good direction you are going in. I know how it sucks that all of this is now on hold. I feel the same way. My T and I had been doing a lot of work and we were so attuned lately that I feel like we have lost this now that he is away and he has totally forgotten about me. It's a hard feeling to sit with so I'm doing my ignoring the feelings thing. I'm still not ready to really look at why I'm feeling like this.

I wanna skip life too and sit outside his office until he comes back next week. I so get where you are coming from.

All I can say is that posting here has helped somewhat. It's a place for the feelings and emotions to go. So keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

TN

CT,

Just wanted to say I know how you feel about everything you wrote and it is difficult and the holidays do suck. I especially know what you mean about the Oklahoma thing. I too am from Texas, down in Round Rock and we drove to Beloit Kansas for the holidays where the temp never got over 17 degrees and the windchill was -23. We drove through the blizzard in Oklahoma on Saturday on our way home. We lived in OKC for awhile and have never seen anything like it. It was crazy!

Thanks for your responses guys...

TN and Pippi- I personally think that snow is really unnecessary btw... I mean, I understand rain, but snow? really? I don't mind TEXAS snow because it doesn't stick, but that whole 'shoveling the driveway' thing is total bullshit! I stepped out of my car when we FINALLY arrived at our destination and my leg was buried to my mid-calf! WTF is that? And of course I was in tennis shoes! Anyway... I'll stick to my 110 degree days... you don't have to shovel HEAT!!!!

Luckily for you all (), weather isn't what I really came here to discuss! I came here to complain/bitch/rant about family. I mentioned earlier that I contacted my long lost aunt and uncle a few weeks before Christmas. We've been exchanging emails and stuff on Facebook, but something about the whole situation irks me a little. I don't think its necessarily a bad "irk," and normally I would just talk about it with my T... but seeing how she is currently AWOL, I shall ramble for you all instead of her!

Okay, so I contacted my uncle and his wife on Facebook. It is my mother's half-brother who I haven't seen since I was 8 or so. I contacted him because... I don't really know. I just did it one day because I didn't really have much to lose! My mother is dead (thank God) and my family is.... separated/not in touch. I only really have my father and my brother and one aunt. I've made my own family of friends and stuff, but I don't have much in the way of biological family. I told my uncle that I was contacting him because I will have my own family (kids and such) one day and I needed to know some things about my family- namely if another of my uncles and/or my grandfather was indeed a rapist/pedophile like my mother claimed. Mental illness OBVIOUSLY runs in my family, but I wanted to know how deeply and to what extent. Anyway, I told him I didn't really ever expect to hear back from him and that I may be knocking on a door he doesn't want to open and i certainly could understand that... I basically gave him ALL the reasons he needed to NOT respond to me.

Well, I had a response from him within 8 hours of my original email! 95% of me thought he'd blow me off (my mom had said that he wanted nothing to do with us)...2.5% of me thought he'd respond and tell me never talk to him again and 2.5% of thought he'd eventually respond with some lame "your mother was just a whack-job" answer. Needless to say, 0% of me considered the fact that I would have a response from him within hours, nonetheless that he would CONFIRM my mother's allegations of abuse and be very open with me about his past (he was sexually abised too). I mean, wow. I didn't see any of that coming. A family member of MINE who is willing to be HONEST and who might ACTUALLY live in reality? Pigs seriously must being flying somewhere!

Well, like I've said, I've had a series of letters back and forth with him and his wife, and have learned a lot about my mother's siblings, their past, and about my aunt and uncles current life/family. At their request, we put all talks on hold during the holidays, however, and it was a very jolting experience. All the sudden I had this FAMILY that existed and I was actually letting myself get excited about it (that is a rare emotion for me), but then, it came down to Christmas and they were like "oh, hey, we're gonna cut you off for a while and ignore you while we spend time with our REAL family." I mean, I get it, a lot of people were coming in town and all their kids were going to be there and they didn't have time for me, but still, it kinda hurt and "put me in my place" if you will. I know it wasn't personal... not exactly... but it was a big REALITY check. It's not often that I feel cared about by a family member and then it was like they said "SSSSSIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE" just as I began to trust them. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings... rejection, not-good-enough, unwanted, unimportant, etc.

And the other confusing things is that I have received one email from my uncle since Christmas... thanking me for the flowers I sent and telling me that THEIR pics were up on Facebook... which I know is him trying to include me but feels like a slap in the face... anyway, he signed that email "love ya." WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT? I've known this dude for like 3 weeks and he's busting out the LOVE business? He doesn't even really KNOW me!!! Or does he over-uses that word in general? Or maybe there's a difference between his "love you"'s and his "love ya"'s????? IDK, but that just fucked me up! I wanted to be like "yo, stranger uncle dude, you can't say that yet! didn't you read the 'getting to know a long lost relative manual'??? I don't want to be too hard on the guy, and I don't want to over analyze, but there are exactly 3 men in my life that say they love me and HE isn't one of them. I'm trying to pretend it's nothing until my t comes back from "torture-my-patients-week" but it's something!

Ugh, okay, I'm tired of ranting. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

-CT

hey CT -

I love that you can write about something so difficult and still raise a smile in so many places.

Contact with your uncle & his family sounds massive. On its own, I mean, without even taking into account all the revelations about what really went on in your family and the implications of each one.

So much going on there and I don't want to say the wrong thing about any of it.... but it would HUUUURT to let them in and then feel cut off. My guess is that he is trying to control the flow of emotions around something that's reeeally consuming so that things don't fall apart on the home front when there's all the Christmas pressure on.

But I don't even know if it's useful to offer that kind of speculation on why - the reality is that it sucks for you. I'd guess that just recognizing all those feelings is exactly the thing to do.

The "love ya".... Well, I hate to say it, but I have nieces and nephews and little cousins who I don't/haven't had that much contact with. If I didn't see any of them for 30 years, I'd still love them, cos they are part of my family, part of me. In ways that my older relatives sort of aren't. I don't feel that way about ex-uncles etc I haven't seen for 30 yrs, for example. There's something about being related to someone in their childhood - like a certain kind of love flows DOWN through the family tree - I don't know if it's supposed to be like that or what but it feels kinda natural. Like it's bound up with protective & nurturing feelings and stuff.

But that doesn't equate to you feeling comfortable or safe with that expression. You have boundaries, and probably really need to feel in control of your own flow of emotions over all this. I'm imagining how cool it would be if the relationship developed to the point where you could say, uh, I'm not ready for that yet....

it's such an interesting situation - keep posting on it?

Jones

Thanks for the response Jones. I'll keep writing on it as more develops.

For the moment though, I'm having a REALLY tough time tonight (Warning: Possible SI Trigger. Read at your own risk!!!).

I'm kinda spiraling out of control. I really feel like cutting. I'm in that "calm before the storm" period... kinda like I'm amping up and getting ready to be numb. It's been building and building and I've been trying to put it off/delay the urge/occupy myself with something else... I just don't know how to describe it though part of me really wants to do it. And I'm not going to lie, part of me really wants to do it because I know it gets to my t. It really bothers her (that I hurt myself, not that it grosses her out or anything), and it's damn near the only thing I can do that I know will get a reaction out of her. I want to go in and say "THIS is how bad I was hurting while you were on vacation."

But the other part of me wants to punish myself. I feel stupid for calling her twice while she was gone. I feel stupid that her being gone bothers me SO much. I'm angry at myself for crossing some boundaries; I'm angry that I need her; I'm angry at myself for being so weak. I just want to cut like crazy. All of my emotions are so bottled up and stifled right now- I've put everything on hold while she's been gone. It's all ready to spill out and I can't wait for my next session any more.

She did call me back today to tell me that she doesn't have an earlier appointment available and she can't offer me an extended session on Tuesday. She sounded frustrated that she had to call me back- like she was annoyed I'd called her. I hate that feeling- like I've intruded in her life simply be needing her. She doesn't really care that I've felt so awful and alone anyway. I don't mean shit to her- not really, not outside of her office, not outside of that one hour a week. I'm so upset by everything. I really just want to call and tell her to cancel my appointments because I'm not coming back. I want to tell her that I DON'T need her and that it doesn't matter to me that she doesn't care about me. I guess I really just want to be angry so that i can quit therapy and not be this dependent on anyone ever again. I want to end this relationship before she has the chance to hurt me again and again- by ignoring me, leaving me and not taking me seriously.

It might all resolve itself though... at this next session (if I don't cancel it) I plan on telling her about how I've found her daugther and other family members on facebook and looked at all there stuff/pictures. I've really invaded her privacy and betrayed her trust and I can't mentally deal with myself if I don't tell her. So, I'm planning on telling her about it and i fully expect that she'll terminate me. I mean, I know where she lives, where her family live, etc. She isn't going keep me around. Maybe I'm just getting so angry now in preparation for thie impending termination- it won't hurt so bad if I can convince myself I don't care and that she doesn't matter to me. All I know right now though is that I need to cut.

-CT

Hi CT... please don't SI. Don't hurt yourself. I know you are having the urge to do this because you think you did something wrong and want to punish yourself but you did nothing serious. Not enough to hurt yourself. If your T taught you any coping skills please use them now. I think one outlet was to post here. That was good to talk about your feelings and what is going on with you. I also know you are screaming out for your Ts help and attention. I'm sorry she has no earlier appt for you. It really sucks when they are gone. I've been whining about that for over a week now and you have been so supportive and helpful to me. It would hurt me if you hurt yourself because I care what happens to you.

So many of us are hurting on here and we support each other and we need you too. So please be kind to yourself. Go punch a pillow, eat chocolate, scream out loud, hold ice cubes in your hands, go soak in a tub and relax. Just don't hurt you. You don't deserve it.

Please let us know how you are coping. We are here for you and you can do this. You can survive your Ts absence and you can show her that you have grown and changed from knowing her. Hang in there.

Hugs,
TN

Oh CT...

gah...

don't know if you want a big ether-hug from an almost total stranger but it's here if you want one. really. I'm so sorry, that situation totally sucks fat celestial sausages of crap.

I'm SO glad you delayed cutting long enough to write - please keep delaying - is there stuff you can do to get the anger and frustration and hurt out? Run somewhere, destroy a pillow, write/paint the UGLIEST creation ever made, ring your stupid T twenty-three more times to show her, make a voodoo doll of her, make one of yourself, make one of that horrible urge to cut and slice it into miserable bleeding little slivers....

I don't know, I just think you are doing SO great by wrestling with this instead of going with it - HANG IN THERE.

AND - the pain and anger you are feeling is NOT weird or wrong or unreasonable. You HAVE opened up to her and given her so much, you DO feel dependent on her, you've got huge stuff going on inside you and it's extremely painful and difficult to have her unavailable. Even if she was pissed off at the way it's affecting you - and she may not be - she'd be wrong.

Keep posting.