I havent been on here lately because I have been having some what of a hard time. I am going back to see my psychiatrist on Thursday and extremely nervous yet excited at the same time. It has been three weeks since I have seen him and am hoping that we can start where we left off and that I can really open up to him from the start of the session.

I also have to see my therapist tomorrow and was suppose to be doing my home work for her of writing about the abuse that I went through as a child. I have not been able to get anything written down and dont even know where to start. She said to just start writing and put down whatever comes up in my head and whatever I am feeling. The biggest problem is that when I am around other people I dont have feelings and when I sit down to write all feelings I may have had dissapear and I have nothing to write.
I have no idea how to make it where I can write or what to tell her when I see her tomorrow. We are suppose to be working on the abuse but I am starting to think that it is not possible for me to work through if I can get any feelings to come up when I am trying to write or when I am around people. I dont know what to do.

And now I just found out that my psychiatrists daughter just got engaged on Saturday to her long time boyfriend. He has no idea I know but I am friends with the boyfriend on facebook because we grew up in the same town. I dont know why this bothers me so much but I am really jealous of the thought that he is going to walk her down the isle and that she most likely got to call home to him after she said yes like most daughters would (if he wasnt there since they were with family in Mexico). I think it even makes it worse since in April my husband and I renewed our vows and we asked my dad to walk me down the isle because he never got to when we got married and his response was "I will have to see if it is okay with Kathy (who is my step-mom". When he said that my first thought back then was "Dr. M would have never said anything like that if he was my dad" and it made me wish even more that he was my dad. And now knowing that he is going to get to do that for his daughter makes me want him even more as a father and makes me feel like I am even more in love with him.
I feel so stupid for feeling this way and dont know if I should even bring up how I am feeling when I see him on Thursday. I know he wants to continue talking about the transference so I dont know if I should bring it up or not. I feel like I dont have a good reasons to feel jealous or the way I do just because she got engaged but at the same time I can not change the way I feel