My T is on a two week vacation and I saw him last Tuesday for a couples session which was really good and I'll see him two weeks from Monday which is only two days longer at this point than my "normal" gap since I'm going every two weeks these days. But I'm having a really difficult time.

And here's why: I hate knowing my T is away with his family and being with other people in a way I'll never be able to be with him. I hate that I still feel this way even though I've worked through the insecurities about him being there and the relationship that we do have being real. I'm sick to death of feeling upset about this and wanting to email and not being able to let him enjoy a well- deserved break without hearing from me. I hate how vividly I can imagine him flinching when he sees my name in his inbox. I hate the feeling that I should just be past feeling this way but I'm not. I hate that I just can't let this go. And I hate that if I do email I'll ask for a response because if I don't hear back I'll conjure up all kinds of horrible reasons for why I didn't.

And as strange as it may sound after all that, I also hope he has a lovely vacation and enjoys being with the family I so unfairly hate. It's a little crazy making to feel both those things simultaneously.

And I just realized that I need to hear from him because I need to know I'm still real when he's in his real life. This just sucks. It's at times like this that I wish there as an off switch for my feelings.

Sorry for the rant, but thanks for listening, I needed to say all that.

AG

((((AG))))
I'm still searching for that darn on/off switch... I don't have much feedback or any good advice, just glad you shared. I am so with you. It is miserable sometimes. hang in there.

Oh, AG...I have been debating about posting something regarding my T's impending vacation as well. She told me at the end of my session yesterday that she would be gone for two weeks after my session next week. I feel like things are only getting started with her, so I was surprised at how I felt so caught off-guard.

Honestly, it seems like if you were ready to just be past this feeling, then you would be. Goodness knows we don't enjoy all of the feelings that something like this brings up. I can only guess since I'm not in your position, but I think that I might feel pressured to be "fine" by my T's absence if I knew that we were stretching our sessions out and eventually working our way toward some sort of ending (even though we all are...you know what I mean). The bi-weekly sessions seem a bit like "practice," and there's only so much practice that a person can take at one time. And I think that would make the vacation that much harder to tolerate. Your T seems to care a great deal about you, and after all of the work you have done together and how attuned he seems to be with you it seems like he would only have extreme empathy and understanding for you and what you're dealing with. Wouldn't it be unusual if something like this DIDN'T bring up any more feelings?

My T is going to be out of the country, so I can really only assume that it's a vacation since I didn't ask her. I guess I was still kind of catching up with what she had just said. And I also have this horrible time asking questions. Hopefully I can try and figure out a little bit about what I feel about it. Right now I am just confused.

Big hugs, AG. And I'm one to be talking, but try to have some compassion for yourself.

AG, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It hurts so much when they leave us and on top of leaving us, they do it to spend time with the people that so fairly but ANNOYINGLY come before us.

I love what Kashley said about "practicing" and about whatever is coming up for you is what needs to come up for you. You are not a failure because you are feeling anxious about him being on vacation and are wanting to make sure he is (and you are) OK. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Girl, you are inspirationally brave, but you don't have to suffer and you don't have to be perfect. It OK to contact him - isn't that why he has that verrry generous contact policy???

Be good to yourself. You deserve gentleness.

And, for the record

I HATE VACATIONS, TOO!!!

Hi, AG...I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I am wondering if there is anyone else you can turn to for support...that being said, I know, it is your T you want...and I get that really I do. I fight daily the urge to email my T. Hourly sometimes. It is just hard, that's all there is to it. I like what DF said...pros and cons, good idea, DF. That helped me, anyway. It must be harder when you know your T has said it is ok, that he won't be mad, etc. At least in my case I have the (sad) knowledge that he doesn't think I should email him, and I know it. Helps stave off the urge, that's for sure. In your case, the ball is in your court...no matter what you choose to do, just know, it is ok, YOU are ok, AG. It is NO wrong, to still need your T. An I do not think, he would be cringing to hear from you, no. Be kind to yourself. It is hard right now, yet, you can do what you think is best for you, be that emailing, or be it suffering a bit throughout the pain. Both choices have their benefits.

Peace,

BB

AG
Ditto the above from everybody!

I wonder if it is feeling harder because you're stretching out your appointments and 'meant' to be becoming less reliant in your own mind? But the thing is AG we are all needy at times - even your T And it's ok to ask for help AG

seablue

quote:

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Girl, you are inspirationally brave, but you don't have to suffer and you don't have to be perfect. It OK to contact him - isn't that why he has that verrry generous contact policy???

Indeed... I would hate to think of you suffering because you felt you shouldn't contact him, when you knew inside you could. For me it's a battle between wanting desperately to feel independent and yet knowing that there is one person who 'gets it' who could truly help. And that contact doesn't mean I'm weak and not coping, rather it's a tool to strengthen my position right now when I need a bit of help. Saying that I have to say that's what I believe....yet I still find it incredibly hard to reach out for help. I hope you might though AG. (((AG)))

starfish

Hi AG,

I am so sick of it too. I am so sick of the push pull of wanting the attachment but wanting the freedom not to want it too. I am tired of feeling like an obsessed loon over this woman whom I will never know outside of her office. I am tired of the anxiety I feel every time I see her that we won't find some way to connect during the session, how sad I feel when I have to leave, and how terrified I am to call her because I don't know how long it will be until she calls me back or what I will say when she does or if I am really bugging her or not. It is exhausting and heartbreaking and is really hard to shake the feeling that I'm becoming some scary stalker-type person and that this is all really OK.

(((((((((AG)))))))))

That is a lot of "hate", AG. I am sorry you are missing your T. Why wouldn't you? He is and always has been wonderful to you. Who wouldn't want to go on vacation with someone like that? I hate to see you directing all this hate at yourself for feeling this way. This is the T who, when you kept insisting that you stop therapy abruptly, because you thought you should, gently put his foot down and said, we're not going to do it that way. So he is probably not cringing at you at all, but that is you cringing at yourself, being too hard on yourself. So if you need to e-mail, then e-mail, dear AG. It is okay to still need him for that.

Many hugs,
SG

quote:

I hate how vividly I can imagine him flinching when he sees my name in his inbox. I hate the feeling that I should just be past feeling this way but I'm not. I hate that I just can't let this go. And I hate that if I do email I'll ask for a response because if I don't hear back I'll conjure up all kinds of horrible reasons for why I didn't.

I can so relate to these feelings. I HATE that it is so hard to trust the love- the good nurturing love that is shown over and over again. I hate the person in my past who screwed up my perception of love. I have had this love in my life, and I have let it go- only to settle with someone more needy, more angry, more what ever... than I am, and now I see the good kind of love.
"Like people awakening from a dream; they slouth off all the ill-fitting of unsuitable lives. Then the fund manager may become the sculpture, or vice versa."... "As limbic clarity emerges, a life takes form"
Thanks for that AG.

Hi All,

Thank you so much for all your support and wisdom. We're having a very busy weekend, so though I have much more to say but no time to say it right now, but I wanted you to know I have read everyone's responses and it's really helped. I'm feeling a lot better. And more about it later, I did email my T but haven't heard back yet. Be back soon!

AG

Wow I totally missed this!

I think that’s great that you emailed him. I was hoping you would contact him in someway when I first started reading.

I was just going to add that I think when my T tells me that I can contact him while he’s away I think he really means it, and I’m positive this goes for other peoples T’s too. My T took a two week vacation in December last year and I had been wanting to call him for a few days but I didn’t want him to be mad that he had to talk to me on his vacation. So then one night I finally just called him at like 9:00pm which means it was midnight on the east coast. Well, he answered and talked to me for about 15 minutes. I read him a list of reasons why I can’t be happy and he was very complimenting, and said many times that he was happy I called and he was proud of me for doing this work on my own. I think he really meant it too. He sounded genuine about it. So anyway, personally I think when T’s say we can call they must really mean it. It’s just our own worries that say “he doesn’t want to talk to me” or “I don’t want to bother him on vacation”.

Now even knowing this, I’m sure when my T is gone for a week in August I’ll be worrying about if I can text him or call him or if I do call him and he doesn’t call me back right away I’ll imagine him laughing and having fun with people in a way that I can never be with him Oh, the tortures of therapy…!

ok, know i am a really warped sack of potatoes, but a couple of realistic things. i think it is easy to idealize them to the point that they are having the picture perfect vacation with the best marriage, friends, etc. and not that we don't want that for others, but really, it is not realistic to feel that 'just getting away from us' is a huge holiday!!

they have issues they drag with them, just like we do.

too, i know just knowing you can't see them seems unbearable, you have so much you want to say, but, don't know if you journal or not, but i find that helpful when the anxiety about something that i know is 'so important to my therapy' is just pouring out of me, to put it on paper, so you can somewhat 'release' the thought, and at least for me, quiet the ruminating.

it IS torturous, even if YOU are the one on vacation to be out of touch,

and as many others have said, don't torture yourself, glad you emailed when you needed to. don't worry about it,we are in therapy because we have some issues, he knows that!! i have already 'lost face' so deeply with my t that i really have nothing to 'prove'. so don't torture yourself, in fact, can you find a way to be extra GOOD to yourself?? sometimes a mani/pedi can really boost me...a new itunes download?? glad you have a busy weekend!!

you know all the self care stuff, so i don't think i can really add to what others have said, but prayers of support are headed your way in this time. and, during T1's week long vacation when i was in the depths of HELL, i actually think i made some internal progress....kindof because i COULDN'T tell him each nuance along that short weeklong path, i was in a little bit better shape when he returned, so much that he suggested maybe i do better with a longer gap, and we went to every other week...((obviously that didn't culminate in wellness, as i am on T3, but i do think walking by myself for a little bit, as torturous as it was, proved to myself i could do it...with plenty of self-care and support from others, i might add))

know you have many strengths, and TRY to talk to yourself like you would talk to us in the same situation, coz, AG, you 'got the goods!!"

and, get it out girl, rant all you need!!! xxoo jill