A new thread, just because I feel very new after hearing from T. He disarmed me so easily.

He said (edited for spelling/typo errors, since he obviously had to text me quickly between clients):

"So sorry, kiddo. My bad. I have been really breakless today. Didn't see your messages til just now. Your texts are so welcome. Please trust me in this. I tend to go without breaks all day and lunch was short and I napped. Dr_"

I didn't really expect an explanation, really just two or three words that it was OK. He hasn't actually called me "Kiddo" for a few months, because I told him it reminded me of my dad and he was trying to avoid triggering me. But a couple times in the past few weeks, I have let him know (via email/journal) I am embracing being "Kiddo," and he has said he really liked that. It is the first time he has called me Kiddo since he stopped. It made my heart jump into my throat, and I felt like warm water was poured over me and I am feeling intense longing to be with him, but not afraid or invisible or alone or "bad for being too much" anymore. And he didn't preach at me, so I'm not feeling like it's wrong to need him in addition to needing God. I texted him back and apologized that I can't seem to distinguish him from "them," thanked him for disarming me and told him I was glad (a bit selfishly) that he was taking care of himself.

I wish I could remember how good my T is when I get into Victim-state, but I just can't. V is certain T is just like mom and dad until he very obviously proves otherwise. I don't deserve my T. It's pretty miraculous that I managed to even meet him. We called our ex-pastor (also MFT) and he referred us to a psychologist, who cost too much, who in turn referred us to T. This was just for H's issue and T kept pursuing getting me into counseling even though I was sure I was fine and only agreed to see him to help H (and get them both off of my back) and didn't plan on more than a few weeks. Now, he's stuck with me (or else we are stuck with each other)!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yakusoku,

What a lovely message. I'm so glad that it helped you to feel better.

((((((kiddo)))))

Doing cartwheels for you!

Thanks, ladies. I keep going back and looking at it. Full-blown obsession mode. Just want to stay with my "connected" feelings for a bit right now.

LG - Careful. That word turned T into my dad figure. You could end up becoming my mom...which would be so weird considering our age difference isn't that big, I think.

Yaku... that was such a lovely text. I'm glad it worked out so well for you. I know that feeling of utter relief. Like you are now wrapped in a nice warm blanket. You feel safe again.

Next time I will personally remind you to trust your T and his care for you! He sounds like a good (but busy) guy.

TN

Thanks, TN. I really appreciate all your support today. Very truly and sincerely!!! Future reminders are welcome. Just please don't be offended if I don't believe you when it happens. That part of me lives in a different reality that requires T to "prove" his case constantly. It must be exhausting for him, as it is for me. I feel so bad for T, but glad he's on my side.

Um...that might be a little embarrassing. But, I still keep looking at it today.

Sent T a text today, just because I needed to stay connected and was feeling guilty when I realized how long the email I sent him late last night was. I said:
"Just connecting. Better today. Sorry for long entry in your email. Oh, the things that seem like a good idea at 3am! I'm one tired Kiddo. It's ok to skip.-Yaku"

T sent back: "Lol"

Don't get me wrong. I am so happy he sent even a quick reply. I just am getting myself a bit paranoid about which part he is laughing about. The 3am comment, referring to myself as Kiddo or my (pretty constant) reminders that it's OK if he doesn't have time to read my journal stuff? What do you guys think? I'd hate to think he's teasing me for calling myself Kiddo after he did it first or that he thinks I'm ridiculous for always saying he can skip. I'm hoping he found my 3am comment amusing, because it was intended to make him smile. I don't want to send him a text to ask something that stupid, so I thought getting opinions here might stop my projections.

I think he was laughing at the 3 a.m. comment.

Thanks, LG. I'll take your word on it and I'm sure my T is out there thanking you for saving him even more ridiculous texts!