Just got home from meeting with the new T and I feel like dancing...I think she's the one!
Walking up the stairs to her office, I wasn't so sure. It was five flights in an old, musty building downtown (I was too scared to take the elevator). I was huffing and puffing when I got to the top, and then I couldn't find her office right away. But when she opened the door, it felt like coming home. Her office is spacious and bright, with pictures of some tropical place on the walls, a comfy couch, and a vase of gerbera daisies in my favorite color (bright salmon-orange) on the window sill. I love light and color.
We introduced ourselves, sat down, and then I gave her a brief account of my original therapy goals, and my attempts at therapy thus far. I kept from going into too much detail about this last therapy experience, just gave her the general idea and said this was also something I needed to work through. She was very empathetic and understanding and quick to grasp what happened and what I needed. She said many of the same things I've heard here. She is very down-to-earth and real. She knows exactly how to do the kind of therapy that looks at processing old hurts - we even started going there a little bit today, but I stopped because it would have been just too much for today. But I can already tell I am so ready to go there and do this work. And I didn't have to explain anything to her about how to do it, or have to justify, or argue with her - she already gets it and knows exactly what I'm trying to do, and maybe it's a bit premature to get too hopeful, but I think she knows exactly how to help me go where I need to go with this!
I cannot tell you how relieved I feel to have somewhere safe to look at this stuff. It was such a relief not to be so scared or to have to try to ignore unconscious seductive overtones. I've heard that real therapy is hard work, but I think there is a such thing as the wrong kind of hard work that really just makes the hard work harder or even impossible. There were even silent spaces during the session. I told her, I'm not used to that. My ex-T was always taking over the conversation. Not that I always minded, but I think it was one of the reasons it didn't work out (I think he didn't like silence and felt like he had to direct things). She said she used to be like that, but she has found that as we spend more time together we will eventually go where I need to go and do the work I need to do. That's good, right? (rhetorical question)
And to top it all off, my insurance will reimburse at 70%, even though she is out-of-network. So I made four more weekly appointments and my next one is Monday morning.
In case you can't tell I'm on cloud nine or ten or something like that.
And I couldn't wait to tell all of you and thank you so much for all the experiences you've shared, and all the hope and encouragement you've given me! Of course you know I will keep you posted on how things go. It feels so good to post something positive.Gotta go for now...take care!
SG
Look at me I'm shouting!
