My T is on vacation. The feelings of abandonment are crazy at times. I have no words - I feel frozen.
I have been going through a range of feelings. The tantrum and the rational side are playing tug-o-war. Mostly, I have been stuck in the really unhelpful self-loathing spiral of - how did you let this get to the point where her going on vacation could do this to you - are you a complete idiot? WTF are you thinking? And so now what happens when therapy is over and you have to stop seeing her? Way to go, now not only are you pathetic in her eyes, but you are causing yourself all of this pain, too. Did you not learn anything from your childhood? YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing is I have never acknowledged my feelings to myself, much less opened them up for anyone else to see before I started therapy. It has only been in the last few months that I have been able to look at my attachment issues, and have slowly been bringing them to my T. No one else has ever seen this needy side of me that I have kept locked up so tightly for so long - not even my husband. In retrospect, I have had feelings of attachment for people, but have never named the feelings to myself (just pushed them down as something shameful that could never be ok) and so never put it out there, so I really don't think they could have possibly known. This feels so new to me and I am experiencing so much shame. Feeling so vulnerable is such a scary place to be. I know you can all relate.

I know that I will survive this and am sure to take some insight from the experience when I am done berating myself. But I have to get through it first. We have scheduled some phone calls and she left a VM for me to listen to when it feels hard. I had been feeling so deeply connected to her in the last few weeks, and now this. *sigh*

So thankful I have this place to ramble.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seablue,

Ok, just finished talking to my T on the phone and cannot cope. I HATE THIS and I don't want to feel like this anymore!! What the hell am I doing to myself? I can't even remember what she said. Nothing feels ok right now. I am spinning like crazy. How can I possibly get through this? Why do we have to go through this? I am so ANGRY!!!!!!!!!

{{{{{{Seablue}}}}}}}

I'm sorry to hear you are having so much pain right now. Not only that, but you are giving yourself more pain, in beating yourself up for missing her. You said that your attachment issues are something you've hidden for a long time, so I'm glad you are opening up by posting about it here. I hope that your husband can be some support for you right now, too. Are you letting him know what's going on? Is there something he can do to ease the pain, even if it's just holding your hand, brushing or stroking your hair, rubbing your feet...something soothing?

You are certainly not an idiot for feeling this way, Seablue. Attachment has absolutely nothing to do with intellect. It is biological, and you are feeling it in your shaking and crying and feeling frozen. I am terribly sorry you are going through this, I know it hurts...but try not to make it worse by saying such mean things to yourself. Think of a child who is missing their mother...would you say such things to her? Or would you hold her and rock her and try to reassure her?

When you said you feel like the pathetic therapy patient in movies, it made me think of What About Bob. I wonder if that's the one you're thinking of? Because he really wasn't pathetic at all. Once he started opening up, he started losing his fear, and he turned out to be very likable and easily able to connect with people because he was so authentic and kind and playful.

Of course in Hollywood it all seems to happen in a couple of hours...real life takes so much longer...but you'll get there, Seablue. Treat yourself gently. Please post as much as you need to while your T is on vacation. We'll help you get through this.

Like Bob said: "Baby Steps"!

Hugs,
SG

quote:

My T is on vacation. I feel like a child that can't cope with life or like that really pathetic therapy patient that gets portrayed in movies. The feelings of abandonment and terror are indescribable at times. I have no words - I shake and cry and feel frozen. The only thing I can do is to sit wrapped in my blanket and wait for it to pass. It truly feels like I am a child in those moments.

I have been going through a range of feelings. The tantrum and the rational side are playing tug-o-war. Mostly, I have been stuck in the really unhelpful self-loathing spiral of - how did you let this get to the point where her going on vacation could do this to you - are you a complete idiot? WTF are you thinking? And so now what happens when therapy is over and you have to stop seeing her? Way to go, now not only are you pathetic in her eyes, but you are causing yourself all of this pain, too. Did you not learn anything from your childhood? YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you steal these thoughts out of my brain??? And are we seeing the same therapist? Mine is on vacation this week too.

I could not get an appt last week either, the week before his vacation, because his schedule was full. So I am going to go 3 weeks without seeing him. I pathetically called him twice last week trying to get an appt if someone had cancelled. No such luck. He said I could call him and leave a message and he would call me back from wherever he is but I have resisted that urge so far. I really don't want to appear to be totally helpless and pathetic and bother him on his well deserved vacation.

I am wondering what I will tell him when he asks why I needed to get in so badly before he left. I know I should just tell him that I was obsessing about not seeing him for such an unbearable period of time, but again I am afraid. Afraid that I will scare him away with my neediness. Afraid that he will abandon me. We've been through this before. He has told me that he would not dismiss me as his patient. I would decide when we would end. (I have decided that that will never happen--I can't bear the thought.) But still those feelings of fear and insecurity bubble up again and again.

Only 6 more days until I see him. I hope I can make it.

emogirl

Oh, ((((((Seablue))))))!!! You poor thing!! I hate it when I feel like I am reading my own post (meaning I can feel your emotions as if they are my own because I know them so well)! I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone right now and just wanting your T. I saw mine only two 1/2 days ago and it feels more like it's been two weeks!! I've got two weeks until I see her again and I wonder how I'm going to make it if two days feel like two weeks? I feel your pain!!

Please be easy on yourself. I don't like that you're berating yourself for being so attached to your T. As painful as it is, it's good that you are experiencing this with a safe person. I have had several attachments in my past, and although most of them were healthy enough, the last one wasn't, and even though this one with my T is by far the most intense, I know it's the one that has the most potential to help me, even if it is EXTREMELY HARD!!!! You should be proud of yourself for opening up and being courageous enough to share your feelings with your T and to allow her to 'see' your attachment to her. It's hard, and I totally get the 'shame' stuff. That's what has held me back for so long with my T, and it still does more than is good for me. Yes, feeling so vulnerable IS a scary place to be.

I am wondering the same thing as SG; are you letting your husband know about this so he can support you? My T has stressed to me the importance of sharing the 'secret' and that getting it out there helps with the spinning as well as allows you to get the emotional support you need from significant others in your life. I really struggle with this, but I know it's really important.

I wish I could make time go faster for you. In the meantime, listen to the VM from your T, enjoy the blanket, rock in a rocking chair if you can (great suggestion, Itshardtosay), cry all the tears you need to, and allow yourself to feel the pain. I can't tell you how much I've cried over the past few months in pain and shame and worry. It has actually helped to get the sadness and the grief out over what I missed as a child, what I am looking for from my T, and what I ultimately can't get from her. It's tough stuff, but it's part of the process and it really does help. Take care of yourself, Seablue. And yes, keep posting to us so we can support you while you're grieving. ((((SB))))

Take care,
MTF

(((Seablue))) I can feel your pain! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know those feelings too well now. As a child I felt nothing really. What I did feel was swallowed and buried way down deep in my stomach. Never to really be felt again until I started therapy. Boy did that stink! Now those attachment feelings are there for my therapist too, but I try to realize that this is a friendship that may or may not last after therapy. The thought scares the hell out of me. For one thing, she would be the only person on this earth who would know everything there is to know about me. Very scary to me, but I know that I can trust her totally. She would never abandon me like the others. She is always there if I need her. The fact that she takes some time for herself, even though I hate it, she deserves it.
Sounds very logical right? I know. But then come the feelings - they hurt and they are scary. I think it's cool that she/he left you a message to listen too. Call it as many times as you need to. The voice will help to calm you, and you will feel like you are doing something good for yourself - making a connection.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I hope you can feel better soon.
Smiley

Seems like a few of us are going through T on vacation syndrome. Are they all at some retreat discussing how much pain and suffering they are causing their patients
Lets see, my T has been gone for 12 days and I'm counting down the 25 days before I see him again. 25 Days!!! My former counselor made a comment that I have always remembered. He said he learned a long time ago that if he didn't take care of himself first, he couldn't help others. So, I'm looking at the many expeditions my T takes as not only caring for himself but caring for me as well. They never really leave us as they are always in our hearts, and I believe they are concerned for us but they have to live their lives too. So maybe I can share part of your blanket, and lets try to feel our T's presence wrapped inside
this safe place.

Wanted to stop by and tell you all thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. It has helped more than I can express. I don't have the energy to say much more - rough day. I'll post more later.

Hi seablue. I'm sorry you are going through the pain of your T being away on vacation. When does she come back? I know all to well how things feel when T is away. I guess I should feel fortunate that my T only goes away for 2 weeks, usually twice per year. What saves me I think is that he has a elementary school age child so he can't go away for too long a time.

I started a thread "T is on vacation and I'm freaking" last December. I went through a very difficult time as my dear friend and biggest supporter was also away on vacation at the same time so I had to endure alone. What I did was post to the Board like crazy and then journal every day with a countdown to when he'd be back. I made him promise me he'd come back and that he would be safe while gone. I had so many crazy feelings that he would never come back or that he would come back and be a different person and that we would lose our connection and things would get messed up in therapy or destroyed. Well, they really did get side-tracked for awhile. I had so much fear and anger at him for abandoning me that it took a lot of discussion between us to settle things. I totally dread his next vacation.

That said, I did survive it. He did not call me but he allowed email and I emailed him twice. I would listen to his old VMs and I tried to keep myself really busy. The support from the board members was the most important factor in helping me get through that awful time.

So keep talking to us here as we understand best how you feel and how hard this is and how much you miss her. I'm sorry that you are suffering but I hope we can help in some small way to make the wait tolerable.

Hug,
TN

SG,
Thank you so much for your kind and gentle words.

While I know beating myself up won't help, it is one of those difficult patterns I battle. When I am angry, the only 'safe' place I can take it is inside and I rage at myself. It's that there must be something wrong with me - it must be me- kind of thing. Thank you for pointing out that the adult me and child me deserve kindness and room to feel. And thank you for taking time to respond to my attempt to reach out - it means a lot to me (especially from a fellow MN girl - I think the parentheses are my attempt at a whisper - I don't think it's working - YIKES)

emogirl,
Thanks for responding to me. I am sorry you are in so much pain. 3 weeks is a long time - sounds like it's winding down and you are almost there!
It is so validating to realize that there are others who share my feelings when I am feeling so isolated and stuck in my pain.

MTF,
THANKS MTF! I do feel a parallel 'thing' with you. There are so many of your posts I could have written myself. Sometimes I have to really question whether I should respond to you because I feel the dynamic between your T and you is so close to my own that it becomes difficult to separate and I have to question whether I am trying to help you see that your T really can handle your needs (she has definitely indicated that she can)- or if I am trying to convince myself that my T can handle mine - does that make any sense? Anyway, it feels that close. I noticed in another thread that you are starting to spin again after seeing your T this week. Hang in there!!

I know, I know.....it doesn't help to be mean to myself - but it's so difficult to stop that automatic response. Something I am working on.

Unfortunately, the pattern of my marriage is not one that can take added pressure, especially the HUGE pressure of, well, my needs really. The reality is he has no idea what is happening inside of me and would not have a clue what to do if he did, except maybe run...fast. (wow that just hit me pretty profoundly as I typed it - not good). Anyway, I have had a lifelong pattern of a caretaker role, and I now am trying to change the pattern but it will take time.(I now have a VERY small circle as I have kicked lots of people out but have not replaced any of them) This is really the only place other than my T's office where I can share this big secret of mine So, thanks for thoughts and your response.

Smiley,
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. It really helps know you get it! It really is so sad what many children have to endure in the way of emotional pain. I am sorry that you know what it feels like...

Monte,
Thanks for your words of kindness. What really hit me was when you said (I have tears streaming down my face just thinking about it) be that child, or more to the point, LET THAT CHILD BE. It really touched me. I do - and we all do need to let our child BE. Thank you - I will carry that with me.
I know you too have been struggling so much and I want you to know you are often in my thoughts.
Thank you, Monte.

TN,
Thanks for your response. I actually don't want to say when she'll be back. It is not nearly as long as others are enduring and I don't want to intensify anyone else's pain. The separation response continues to baffle me because it just doesn't make sense. Logically, I know she'll be back, and will come back as the same person she was when she left, but that almost primal fear sets in and just takes complete control of me. It helps to knwo I am not the only one.... Thanks, TN.


It helps to feel supported here!

When I said lets try feel our T presence while they are away because I believe they think of us too, it was proved to me today. I received an email from him. He is at 8,000ft in the Himalayas in a small village with internet access. The first town he has been able to email from, and he sent me a message so I know he is safe and sound. A big vitual hug from him! Made my day. Hang in there.

Oh, lizzygirl!!!!!! Yes, I am sharing my blanket with you!!!!!

I LOVE that your T sent you an email!! That must feel so good - I bet it does feel like a really big HUG.

My T did tell me that she does think about me when she is not with me, but of course that is hard for me to take in. A little more able to than I used to be though....baby steps.

I am truly so happy for you today.....

Seablue,

I hear you about the parallel between us and our attachment issues with our Ts. I feel the same way about the dynamics and also have to ask myself if I should respond to your posts sometimes because I wonder the same things you do. The same thing actually applies to a few others' posts on the forums, as getting emotionally involved in other people's issues starts me spinning when those issues resemble my own (which they very often do) and I wonder how objective I am being and if getting involved actually makes my own stuff worse.

quote:

Unfortunately, the pattern of my marriage is not one that can take added pressure, especially the HUGE pressure of, well, my needs really. The reality is he has no idea what is happening inside of me and would not have a clue what to do if he did, except maybe run...fast. (wow that just hit me pretty profoundly as I typed it - not good). Anyway, I have had a lifelong pattern of a caretaker role, and I now am trying to change the pattern but it will take time.(I now have a VERY small circle as I have kicked lots of people out but have not replaced any of them) This is really the only place other than my T's office where I can share this big secret of mine So, thanks for thoughts and your response.

Gee, this is scaring me a little to admit this, but I could have written the above paragraph myself. Kind of makes me feel better that these attachment issues have 'patterns' in the way they play out in our lives, but sad at the same time that they affect us so deeply in so many important areas. My husband was terribly hurt over the attachment I had to my physical therapist, partly because he's our neighbor and we see him at church each week, but mostly because he's a man and he thought I was 'in love' with him. It's so hard to understand my attachment issues myself, I sometimes think there's no way my husband could possibly even begin to understand them. I'm glad my T is a woman, but I wonder what my husband thinks about this. I haven't really told him much, as I have this fear that it would freak him out if he fully understood it. My T wants me to talk about it with him, but like you I wonder what he would think. I doubt your husband would run, but he may need to hear about what you're going through from your T so he has someone 'professional' to help him understand it and to 'normalize' it for him. They really do need to understand our stuff and learn how to help us, and how to meet our needs. Has your T made a big deal about how the lack of emotional connection and support in your marriage is a big reason why you're having such a strong attachment to her right now? Mine sure has. In fact, the fact that she's avoiding my attachment to her and pointing to my marriage so forcefully is a sore spot for me right now, but that's another story. However, it's a good point because the fact I'm not getting my needs met also points to the fact that I'm in the caretaker role too and don't ever worry about my needs, so it's no wonder I'm wanting my T to meet them. That's a big one for me. That and a million and one other things!! Such fun!!

Be good to yourself, girl!! Hang in there and keep posting. We're here for you!

MTF

Hi Seablue,

How nice to learn that we're in the same "neck of the woods"! (or perhaps "land of the lakes" is more appropriate )

quote:

While I know beating myself up won't help, it is one of those difficult patterns I battle. When I am angry, the only 'safe' place I can take it is inside and I rage at myself.

So do I, Seablue. I think a lot of us do that. In reminding you to be kind to yourself, I'm hoping it will sink in just a bit more that I need to do the same.

Take care,
SG

I have been able to process a little about the panic since my T has been what feels like "gone." I would like to share some of it if that's OK.

My panic had never made much sense to me. I had always assumed that because I did not ever physically lose someone as a child, that I am not justified in emoting so strongly about someone I'm attached to leaving.

As a child, as far back as I remember, I was terrified. My father was very abusive, and the only person I felt any safety with was my mom. Although she was not abusive in an intentional way, she was so involved in herself (completely unable to deal with any of her own emotions) that I don't think it occurred to her and still doesn't that I might have had needs and it might have been her job to help me navigate them. Even if it did occur to her, I don't think she was able. I got a clear message that any need was a burden. A very concrete example is the MANY ear infections I had as a child. I can still hear her "oh wonderful" when I would tell her my ear hurt.

Anyway, I was in full-time daycare as a child (it was discovered later that the one around 18 mos-3 yrs was physically and emotionally abusive) and the terror I feel about my T leaving me is the same terror I felt when my mom left me at daycare everyday, or was leaving me with my dad. I have that same physical reaction now that I did then - terror, shame, anger, need to hide any shred of emotion and need to hide physically. I still feel the pull of all of that now.

Like others here, I have a series of small T's, and although I have had some larger T's sprinkled in too , most of what I think the damage was caused by was the daily survival in that environment.

I have some awareness of how attachment injury plays out, but I had not been able to apply it to my own experience in a way that seemed to fit until now.

It is starting to make sense to me that because I have never experienced someone being so attuned to me the way my T appears to be, I am terrified of losing that from her, and anything (her absence) feels like a real threat. I feel such a desperate fear of something happening to damage our connection beyond repair and feel this frantic need to use glue, tape, gum or whatever to try to fix it at any cost to feel safe again. Realizing that piece has helped me be able to open slightly to possibility of letting go of just a little control, and begin an attempt to trust in the process. The anger, fear, sense of loss are all valuable clues.

I REFUSE to say that my T leaving is a good thing (with a pouty scowl and my arms crossed in front of me)- BUT I am seeing some valuable shifts in my awareness.

Thanks for listening. Would really appreciate any thoughts or comments.