Hi Holz...I'm not Halo but I wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry to hear what happened with your P and that you have been struggling ever since you walked out on her. I'm sure you were very hurt when she suggested quitting and that's why you felt you had to. My problem is kind of the opposite of your... I share too much with my T and then I go into complete panic that I have let him get too close to me... that I let him in too far and that he will now know the real me and reject me because he will know the truth. Either way it's so hard.

Right now I'm in a lot of pain because I won't be able to see my T until January 4th ... he's going away with his family. I hate that I miss him so much and that I feel terrified and so alone with him gone. Right now I have this huge painful lump in my chest and I'm having guests for the holidays over the next few days and I need to go into smiling good hostess mode.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas too. I hope you have some family or friends to spend the holiday with and that you can relax and enjoy.

TN

Hi Holz it is so hard when you have such strong feelings towards your P hey? Did you tell her how you were feeling about her? That was a really hard step for me but doing so taught me to be really honest and upfront with every single feeling and emotion that I have with my P. I do still see my old P and it is getting a little tiny bit easier with him but I try and view my new P as my main source of therapy and that newP has the ability and skills to help me to heal. Whereas old P has problems with boundaries and causes me huge amounts of pain because he is not as professional as he should be and I will be seeing him less regularly (monthly) during the next year.

New P is taking things very slowly and says he can help me with my issues about old P. He says that his first priority is to stabilize my depression and help me heal some of the trauma that is very current in my life right now.

I have tried to leave old P so many times but it causes me so much distress that I am unable to focus on any sort of getting better. The suffering of staying away takes over my life.

Is that how you feel? Does any of this help? Is there anything else you want to know that I can somehow help with?

Hi TN I think we are twins at the moment. I hate being away from my medical support network for so long too. I am so scared that some fresh trauma may occur or that I will remember something and experience something that will trigger something that I cannot cope with on my own.

Also I absolutely find it so hard to put on my happy face for the sake of my children and loved ones but I force myself too. It is exhausting pretending.

I feel like there is a fist clenched around my chest.

I guess because he has rejected me and ended before and taken me back I do expect more rejection but I also think he is trying very hard to prove to me that he won't reject me again.

For about one week recently I experienced feeling accepted by him and the feelings of missing him and obsessing about him went away. It was bliss. Absolutely such a huge relief. I guess that is how I will know I am better. When those feelings are no longer the main focus of my life.

Hi Holz just re-read your post and read the bit about her suggesting you quitting.

That must have hurt. When my old P ever suggested breaks and stuff I would have massive meltdowns that he soon learnt not to mention it again. Abandonment is my thing. What is the main reason that is making you not go back? I don''t know if you can move on without sorting it out withthat person (providing that person is capable and has the skills and will allow you the opportunity). As for not being able to communicate your feelings, come here and practice, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how empowering it will be for you if you can voice your true feelings and emotions. Even if worst comes to worst and you are rejected at least you will have been true to yourself, stood up and made yourself heard and that is pure gold.

Hi TN It's been a long time since we've chatted. I hope that I will be able to be around a little more now that some things have stabilized for me. Thanks for your comments, and I agree "Either way, it's so hard". I don't know my new T well enough to miss her till the 4th (she's away too), which I'm grateful for because I understand the pain you are in, and the predicament of being the smiling hostess in the mean time. I guess we always have to keep in the back of our minds that even our T's need to recharge for short periods of time

I am with my partners family and a friend over the holidays - so I am spending it with some pretty wonderful people who love me. It sounds like you too will be with people you care about .. hopefully you won't have to generate the smile the whole time your guests are there.

Be well, and all the best to you and yours!

Holz

Hey Halo

I had told my P that I was attracted to her about 8 months before I quit. She's a Jekyll/Hyde person so at first she smiled and blushed then it was like she shook it off and became very brash with me. I don't think that it affected our therapy (which wasn't good anyway) but we never spoke of it again.

I do feel much the same as you do .. I can't even drive in the area of her office without feeling a pull to go and see her, and the pain that comes with not being able to. I've even sat in her parking lot just to see her at the end of the day as she walks to her car Can we say 'stalker'!! I just shake my head at myself sometimes because I've NEVER had an attachment like this in my life and have no clue what to do with it.

My P had suggested me quitting (never her ending, but putting it in my court to quit) MANY times and I had a meltdown in her office like you for the first few times, then I just started to get angry and resentful about it!

quote:

What is the main reason that is making you not go back?

Embarrassment on how I left, knowing what she said to my GP in her final report back (which left me more angry and resentful), and most of all I really think she was glad to see the back end of me for the last time. You know, I asked her one time "Do you have to like a person to a degree in order to treat them?" She said no she doesn't have to like anyone to treat them; an illness/problem is an illness/problem and its her job to help people with that and you don't need to like someone to do that. Pretty harsh eh!

But I hear what you are saying about sorting things out with someone and being heard - I try to do that in my personal life. Not so sure she would be receptive to it though

Anyway - thank you for your response!

Be well! Merry Christmas

Holly