There are only two days until my first appt with my new psychiatrist. I am really anxious about it. There are two things that I am obsessing manically about.

The first thing I want to talk about is what it would take for him to end. My other T ended abruptly and that was devastating.

The second thing is can I still see my other T... I am going to need a lot of help to get past needing him and until then I would like to see him on a monthly basis and go through relaxation and mindfulness only, not to discuss therapy at all so there is no splitting or triangulation. I do know that he is not good for me and that he has caused damage but I feel that there is no life if he is not in it.

Do you think it would work to see him on that basis?

Also I think I am obsessing about these two things because I am really worrying that he is going to cause me to remember things that I have spent a lifetime trying to forget.

Hi Halo,

I've seen some of your posts as you've waited for this appointment - I am really glad for you that the wait is nearly over. Soon you will have an idea of what this new P is like, and you'll get a chance to have some of your questions answered.

I have no idea about what would work or not in terms of seeing both for a while, but I'm guessing it will be hugely helpful to be able to communicate to your new P how seriously you feel your attachment to your old T. I guess he needs to know that helping you manage & process your feelings around this has to be a part of the work that you do.

The deeper concern about remembering stuff... I don't know you or much about where you're at but it seems to me a really brave and powerful thing to be able to see that at the source of the other obsessions, and to be able to admit it. I'm guessing it's taken a lot of work and courage to come to that place, and it seems to me in a way to be a sign of strength. Maybe it could even be a first tiny bud of a new readiness to move in that direction - if the circumstances were right and you felt really safe and in control of the process? I'm guessing, here.

J

Hi Jones and thank you for your reply. I think you hit the nail on the head saying that I need to find a place that is safe and as yet that hasn't happened. I am terrified about remembering things and I am not sure if I ever will.

I'm so sorry for your terror, Halo - that is a horrible place to be.

The world is not very good at providing safe places for the kind of vulnerability that can offer healing. I believe they exist, though - especially because I read of people on this board finding them.

I am glad you are still looking for a safe place - if not to remember, at least to experience some stability and protection. I'm also glad you are protecting yourself in the meantime. NOT remembering seems to me like a really smart thing for the mind to do until the time is right.

Take care. And very good luck with that first appointment - hope you will post how it goes.

Hi Halo. I just want to say good luck to you with your appointment on Monday ( it is monday, right?). Please keep us updated. Things are about to turn around for you; I can feel it.

Thanks Jones and Echo, only 20 hours and 28 minutes to go....but who's counting...it has been 3 months since I had any therapy and since it was with my exT it wasn't good therapy anyway.

Good luck, Halo! You have already grown so much in wisdom and clarity just in the time you've been waiting - I can hear it in your posts. There is strength in recognizing when you need and deserve something better for your own healing and you took the steps to get it. And you've taken amazing care of yourself in the meantime. I hope you know that you should already be very proud of yourself.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for a good start with the new T. I hope they can create a safe place for you to heal - you deserve that so much. I'll be waiting to hear how it goes for you.

Hugs,
SG

I also want to wish you good luck on this new journey. Only a few hours to go, and if I were in your spot I know my stomach would be churning! Hopefully this long wait will be worth what you will gain in the end. Keep us posted!

Sending you good wishes for tomorrow, Halo. Take a deep breath and it will all be fine. You have already come so far and learned so much. I just wanted to tell you that safe places do exist... I found a safe place with my T and I never thought I would ever feel safe. I didn't know what that felt like. I know now and I treasure it. You will find it too and you will know when you have found it.

I'll be thinking of you.

TN

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your warm wishes. Well it all went well! He is very gentle and kind and stressed that he takes things slowly and gently because he knows the damage that therapy can cause if it is not handled properly. He said the most important things to work on firstly was my medication and he adjusted those, my sleep (I haven't slept very well since the stalking started 2 years ago) and making sure that it is a place that I feel safe.

I did tell him when something he said made me feel that he was saying what had happened in my childhood was insignificant and he was very careful to clarify what he had said and reassure me.

He also said the relationship with my exT was way too close and clearly quite a problem. He said I can still go and that he will be able to help me work through my attachment issues.

I asked him what it would take to end and he said he never ends. I said that is what my exT said and he said he has a good track record and that he has never ended before and I just kept saying that was what my exT said....I guess I will just have to take it slowly and build up trust.

Thank you again for all of your kind words, I am so glad it is over and I am going back next Friday.

I'm so happy for you, Halo!
You're right, it will take time to build up trust but you are well on your way. I love that he's gentle and kind and reassuring to you. You deserve a lot of TLC after what you've been through!

Hugs,
SG

So glad you have something to hope for now! Frustrating that time is one of the required proofs to healing, but you both have an advantage this time that you didn't have before. It sounds like this new T will be watching out for your best interests from the get go. The best is yet to come!

Halo,

It does sound like you are starting out on the right track and I hope it just continues to get better. Everyone, in therapy, deserves someone who is competent, compassionate and REAL!

KS

Halo,
things will get better now.
It's good that you could tell so many important things directly, and even sort of challenge him about how you felt about him saying some things.
It's so good to find somebody like that. I wish you good luck and I hope you will start feeling the change in your life and the way you feel quite soon. Take care...

Hi Halo

I've been away from the forum for a few months so we've never had an opportunity to chat before. I had read your previous post "I Went Back" as well as others previous to that. I have a similar situation and wondered how you have been doing since starting with your new T?

I had spent over a year with a P that I had fallen in love with even though she one day seemed to be interested in helping me and the next day was trying to convince me that I should quit and try again at a later time in my life when I was prepared to share myself more I depth. One day in October I had had enough of her, and realized that I would take her advice and quit and didn't even offer a goodbye as I walked out of the office. No sooner did I get to my car, I wanted to run back to her office and take it all back. I didn't, but have been in great discomfort since. I can't even drive into the neighborhood where her office is without feeling like I 'need' to see her. I think about her daily, sometimes that's all I think about. Like you I know WAYYYY too much about her!

I've been seeing my new T for three weeks and we've pretty much only talked about the P - she thinks I should go back to see her - but I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell the P what I was experiencing (out of embarrassment), that she will refuse to see me, and that seeing her would make things worse for me. I just want to forget about her and move on.

So, that said ... I was wondering how you have been making out since seeing your new therapist.

Thanks Merry Christmas!!

Holz