I have had 3 and a half weeks since my last session to think about my relationship with my T. I have started to think that a lot of my problems with her are just me. I'm starting to see that the T in sessions and the T in my head aren't the 'same' T (Thanks for pointing that out, Monte. Seems we have more in common than I originally thought ). There's not a whole lot of congruence between them. I think that is maybe why I get so fearful about what I perceive to be problems in my therapy. I don't have a solid, consistent 'image' in my head yet of my T. It's gotten better than it used to be, as I don't have to pull up a picture of my T, sit out in the parking lot at the hospital, listen to voicemail messages over and over, have a check-in call (although I call T if I get stuck on ruminating about something from the last session), etc., just to make it from session to session. However, last week was REALLY hard for me and I felt really disconnected and really depressed, as I knew I had likely another 3 weeks before I see my T again.

As I started to read about object constancy it started to make more sense to me why I can't hang on to memories of good times I've had with my T, why I struggle to even remember sessions if I don't write them down within a 24-hour period afterward, and why I have to re-read the journal entry about the session in order to remember it (especially the good things). It's like I just focus on the negative, and blow it out of proportion and then the T in my head is this diabolical person who means me harm (which I know rationally that the T in the therapy room does not). I can't seem to reconcile the two Ts, and also find myself feeling like it is safer to not connect at all with her in sessions than to connect and then have to wait two weeks to experience that connection again. The time between appointments is painful, as I don't connect in real life with anyone else in a true, intimate relationship (not with my H, parents, kids, or any friends) and don't feel the same level of care that I feel from my T in any other relationship. I think when T mentioned that she thinks that rather than attaching to her, I detach from her, she has noticed that I fear connection. Attachment feels too scary.

When I was 18 months old my mother gave birth to my sister. I am the oldest. She ended up hemorrhaging and was in the hospital for 2 and a half weeks. I was left with a grandmother (who also was left to care for my newborn sister) that was not close to any of us emotionally, was cold and distant. I did not see either parent during this time. After my mother came home and started caring for two babies, she had an emotional breakdown and started therapy. I don't remember ever being emotionally close to my mother or father, and wonder what life was like for me before my baby sister came along.

Anyway, I am finally considering *SERIOUSLY* asking my T for weekly appointments. I feel like it is ridiculous that after 45 sessions with her in the last 21 months, I still don't have a well-internalized mental image of her that is safe, consistent, and caring. She seems concerned that I still struggle to trust her after all this time, and that I still struggle to talk openly with her about our relationship and the issues I have. I don't know if seeing her more frequently will help, but from what several of you have said, I *NEED* weekly appointments and I'm finally starting to see that there could be some serious value to that. I think that either things will get better, or they will get worse, and I can figure out from there what to do next. I'm slowly starting to gain some insight, but it seems so slow that at times I am just beyond frustrated.

Having this 'time off' has helped me see that I have built up a certain tolerance for how long I can go between sessions before I start to lose it. And two weeks is pretty good, I think, for someone with attachment injury. I can usually only hold on to the feeling of connection with my T for a few days after a session, and that's only if it's a 'good' session. Last week I typed up a text message on my phone and was tempted to send it to her, asking her to call me (she was on vacation the past two weeks) because I was so stuck in a spin, but decided to wait until morning and see if I still felt like I needed to hear from her. By then it had mostly dissipated, so I didn't send the text. I have been okay since then, although I miss my T A LOT. I keep hoping she'll call me and get me in on a cancellation this week, but I'm also telling myself it likely won't happen so that I'm not crushed. This stuff is SO HARD.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.

MTF

Hi MTF... yeah object constancy is so hard. I don't have any pictures of my newT just his pen to hold onto. I so wish I had a picture of him. I have one very short vm and business cards. That is it.

I do think it is important to ask her for weekly sessions. I think it will help because you won't have a lot of time to build up that "evil T" in your head before you see her again. You will settle into a rhythm of therapy. I think it's worth a try to see if you can settle more comfortably into this relationship and attach to her w/o fear. The most important thing you need to know is if SHE is okay with the attachment and then I say go for it. I just wrote about attachment in my thread on Attachment and warm fuzzies where my T explained that allowing the attachment will make me "safer" in our relationship.

If this does not work then at least you will know it and you can say you tried.

Good luck
TN

I was just reading the website and this is something shrinklady wrote that popped out at me:

quote:

Therapy offers consistency, the certainty that your therapist will be there for you. Your brain will once again learn to regulate both unpleasant and pleasant states.

I think having a regular, consistent appointment that you can count on will go a long way towards dispelling the "evil T" thoughts that come. I know it was what I needed to have. It became really crucial, and when T acted like it was no big deal if I would have to miss appointments whenever, due to his schedule, I kinda had enough. I think this is a great goal for you to be working towards. Regular, consistent appointment with your T on a weekly basis.

Good for you.

BB

TN,

quote:

I just wrote about attachment in my thread on Attachment and warm fuzzies where my T explained that allowing the attachment will make me "safer" in our relationship.

I enjoyed you post, and agree with your T. I haven't been allowing the attachment. My T has been trying to help me in that regard, I think, but like she said, I detach and withdraw from fear that it's not okay. I often times think that I am projecting my discomfort about the attachment onto her, when in reality she has dealt with attachment clients and helped them work through it, so I know she isn't afraid of it. I just wish she were as open and skilled at expressing her feelings/understanding of it as your T is. He really sounds like a fantastic T. Thanks for encouraging me to get weekly sessions. I'm scared that my T won't be okay with that, but yeah, asking her is one thing I need to do to see if this relationship can really go anywhere.


Beebs,

I know your T was so inconsistent with consistency of appointments. That is so discouraging and even enraging. I'm sorry that it became such a painful point for you in your therapy, but I know how important it is to feel like your therapy actually matters to the therapist. If it doesn't, it's pretty hopeless. Thanks for your encouragement, BB. (((Hugs)))


Monte,

quote:

From week to week I can hang onto the security of this relationship. I am more and more comfortable with acknowledging the hard things. Just the other day when I saw him he spoke of my inner child's need for his love and care and how this need was perfectly valid. And I didn't die. Such words from him a few months ago would've had me clawing the ceiling and in fact he would not have uttered them in the first place. He is more comfortable with me too, in that he knows what I can handle now.

That is huge, Monte. I have noticed this in your posts, that the comfort level in the room is so much higher than before, on both your parts. I can see how you going frequently has added so much to your therapy and your ability to feel/stay connected between appointments and how much more willing you are to stay with the difficult emotions and situations you find yourself in. I know it is because the relationship has grown to be consistent and reliable and more permanent in your mind. That is what I long for. And I feel that until the relationship is solid and I feel that reliability in the connection, *real* therapy won't happen.

quote:

spending time between visits clutching desperately at a dissipating sense of connection and trying frantically to rebuild that connection while in session. It is an endless and useless cycle. There are so many hard things to say, so many impossible words that need to be uttered, but those words won't fall from your lips if you don't feel safe and familiar with her and that only comes via frequent, reliable connection.

Amen!! I have finally realized that that is what I am doing each session is trying to get back to where I was last session, 14 days before, and trying to reconnect with my T. And it's nearly impossible. She tries, but I am paralyzed with fear, and so it becomes nearly impossible for me to warm up to her and feel comfortable, and by the time I finally start to relax and feel 'safe' (if that's what you could call it), the session is over and I leave frustrated that there isn't really ever any *progress*. I suppose if she can't meet my need for this, can't 'get' it, and seems resistant to it because it might create more dependency, I will know that I need to find another T who WILL see me weekly, and understands that need.

I don't have an appointment with my T until July 8th (which happens to be my birthday. ). She may call to get me in on a cancellation this week, as that is what she mentioned when she phoned to cancel my appointment last Friday because she wasn't going to be there. But I'm not holding my breath. That will make 5 weeks; the longest break I've had yet. Thanks for your continued encouragement, and for posting about your sessions. It is helpful to see things going right for you, and how working toward getting your needs met is helping you so much. Now if I can just quit stumbling over my needs and put them out there, perhaps I can actually get somewhere, too.


Thanks, ladies!
MTF