Monte;

Oh, how I feel your pain! You know, as you have responded to some of my posts about my own fear of discussing my issues with my T this coming Friday, it's been as if I have been listening to myself! I too have a fear of talking about my feelings and have such an easy time writing them down, but I'm really at this point where I just KNOW that the very best thing I can do for myself is to actually face my fears and my T and just TALK. Even if it comes out in a jumbled up mess, even if I cry to the point that my throat feels like it's closed off, even if I want to curl up in a ball and hide myself under a blanket. I just have to do it. It's how I'm going to HEAL and GROW. And isn't that why we're in therapy in the first place? To heal and grow and blossom are the things I want so very much, and I know that those things aren't going to come easily. In fact, they are going to take a lot of effort and a lot of pain and discomfort on my part. And so I try to keep those goals in sight when I freeze up in fear. Take some really deep abdominal breaths and try to center myself and remember that when I get to the other end of my therapy journey and I'm in a much better place than I am today I can look back with a sense of pride and be so happy that I took the risks I did of opening up the wounds and allowing someone else to help me bind them up so they can heal, as painful as it might be to go through the process. Remember Monte, you are a strong woman, and YOU are worth the work you are doing to heal and help yourself. And ultimately only you can open your heart to the healing that awaits you in doing so. You can do it!!!

MTF

Hi Monte,
I just wanted to throw something out from my experience that is a possibility for what's at the root of this. I definitely understand the difficulty in verbalizing pre-verbal experience. The feelings are there but there is often nothing to connect them too, you have "memories" of feelings. But if you are able to write about it, then you have already overcome the obstacle of putting these "wordless" experiences into language.

But I know for me, when I first started to discuss and remember what happened to me, there was a huge obstacle to overcome, which is that I was implicitly taught and explicitly threatened, that I was NOT to speak of what happened to anyone. I was threatened with death, complete rejection, being unloved and other people being injured if I spoke up. There were times when I went to speak to my therapist that I actually felt physically gagged. I still have a vivid memory of session years ago with my first T when I literally screamed out loud, "it's my life and I'm going to talk about it!" But it took a long time before there wasn't a really strong emotional backlash from speaking out and an almost constant dread of punishment. I'm wondering if maybe you're experiencing some of that? Do you have any memories of being told not to speak?

We're so quick to see fault in ourselves, that somehow you are being cowardly or what's wrong with YOU that you're not trusting your obviously trustworthy T, when the truth is that we're combating deeply learned lessons that were taught us over a long length of time at an age when we were the most open to take those lessons in and make them a part of our deep beliefs. I'm going to pull my usual question and ask you that if someone else were saying to you what you're saying to yourself, how would you respond? I understand your frustration about being able to communicate, but urge you that instead of beating yourself up for the difficulty, looking to WHY it's so difficult. There are good reasons, you just don't know them yet. All that said, I wish you the best at opening up at this next appt and look forward to hearing from you about it, no matter what happens.

AG

Monte

So sorry to hear of your difficult times

The silence cycle is such a difficult one to break, I have had sessions of endless silence as I have searched in my empty head for something - anything - to say.

I think you have been really wise in rehearsing things aloud. Some words can feel so scary and just hearing them said in the open can feel very daunting, so rehearsing over and over can (very,very) gradually reduce the awfulness and power they have.

My T tells me to start by just telling her a word, even if it might make no sense to her, it will to me and that is significant when it's said aloud. When I haven't been able to do even a word, we've tried an initial of a significant word.

I guess what I'm saying is don't beat youself up because you can't seem to do it. Silence has been useful for us in the past and I think it takes ages for us to unlearn these things. Maybe just try to achieve (say)one tiny thing when you go next week and take anything else as a bonus!!

Have you more sessions planned? It must even harder for you after a long break. I hope you have.

Do let us know how you get on and keep posting in the days leading up to it too. Just going along when you feel scared can be being very brave I think - hmmm that could be your default goal - to just get in the room - I've done that on more than one occassion myself

Take care

starfish

Hi Monte...

I found your post here to be very interesting. And the quote below is what I found most illuminating. In my therapy we often analyze words....and the way we use them. Freudian slips...dreams....analogies, metaphors....antonyms, synonyms and homonyms. The way we use words and more importantly how we inadvertently misuse words.

I think your line below is very illuminating and would encourage you to think about what you wrote here and what it might REALLY mean.

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
I don't have long silences...I can't bare them, can't bare the awkwardness. I fill them with crap.

Your usage of the word bare is the "real" message here. hmmmm?

I know it was not your intent...and no...I am not just being a spelling Nazi. I don't really care about spelling...but in this case....I find it interesting that you cannot "bare" your silences..or "bare" your awkwardness. Instead, you choose to "bear" the pain of not being able to say what you really want to say.
What I think you really want is to "bare" your soul...so to speak. To rid yourself of the unbearable pain that you are experiencing.

This is the vulnerability that we entrust our T's with...and it is a very bare/naked feeling. For some people, it is easier to stand in a room totally nude, with a physician, than to open up to a therapist that they have known for years. Why is that? hmmmm....

I'm there with you Monte....sometimes I have a very difficult time allowing my T to see my naked soul....sometimes doing that is more than I can bear or bare.

SD

Sorry...didn't mean to come off sounding like a professor....LOL....

I'm nobody....but I think my soul is more of a philosopher than a psychologist. I think that therapy is more of an art than a science.

I guess, sometimes it is painful for me to think forward...and even more painful to think back. So...I go for the "lateral" thought. It is, perhaps...a game that I play....but most of the time it is equally revealing.

SD