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This message has been edited. Last edited by: kitty,

Welcome monte

So much of what you said I could have written myself:

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I have a fairly firm idea of where they (the boundaries lay and am way too polite to overstep them

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I am highly skilled at changing the course of conversation when I feel threatened.

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Well the problem is I seldom communicate the important things to him verbally, in fact almost never. I am a writer, not a speaker and suffer terribly from verbal and emotional constipation.

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I have never cried in his presence, nor got openly angry. I want to. He wants me to.

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But it is crunch time – he said as much in one of his last emails - and I am petrified I will fail. I desperately need to move forward.

It sounds like in order to move forward - you and I - both need to be able to sit with our feelings. Our real honest raw feelings. I don't know how to do it but I am going to try getting myself to my next session a little earlier, trying to reduce my activation levels so I can be really present in session and really try to get in touch with that inner part of me before I walk into my appointment (whilst trying so hard not to lose the fragile me as soon as I walk in the door and sit opposite my T like an equal, like I have everything undercontrol). Go in there for my appointment to deal with the real reasons why I entered therapy. Go in there and be honest - with myself - and in front of my T who is my support person. I know it will still be baby steps but that's what I'm going to try. I'm sorry if this isn't of much help but please know I hear what you are saying.

Cheers!
I'm OK

Hi monte

Lovely to see another aussie on myshrink

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And to sit with these feelings in someone's presence

That's it isn't it. I mean how much more vulerable can one make themselves?

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Does it maybe have something to do with their power as we perceive it? I mean their potential power to hurt us perhaps. Not intentional hurt of course, more the pain that may come when they don't respond to us the way we desperately want them to.

You bet it has something to do with their power. My fear is that I finally manage to sit with these feelings in my T's presence - only to have my needs not heard / rejected / responded to in the way I need them - and that would feel like I had not only relived some truly horrible feelings again but without the understanding and support then I will be alone with those yucky feelings too.

My rational head says to trust my T but my inner child is so fearful of being hurt that she would rather stay shut down and silenced.

One last thing, in your first post you said:

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I have never cried in his presence

Most people who post on myshrink seem to comment that they can cry easily in front of their T. I can't even cry by myself. I know's it's not good that we are so shut down BUT it's so nice to know I'm not alone with needing to break down this huge wall.

Take care
I'm OK

One more thing:

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What I have found myself doing these last couple of weeks - when noone is around - is sitting on a chair and saying what I have to say out loud. It is so difficult. I can't believe how self-conscious I feel just in front of myself!

I'm think I might give this a try.

Hi I'm ok, welcome Monte from another newbie,
I too often wonder how people deal and stay with 'the raw stuff'. I think I have only cried a couple of times with my T and always felt it was quite dangerous, even though I totally trust her, so I can appeciate your bucket of snot and razor blades might be easier. Even when I long to be cared for and supported I push people away and just smile and carry on, cos that feels safer. I have friends who can cry and let themselves be looked after and I feel almost jealous of their ability just 'to be'. Crying in front of anybody would seem so scary, I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable yet my T tells me I have so much crying to do. It all feels too hard.

Hi...monte, welcome to the board. I'm glad you decided to throw a post out.

Hi I'm OK....

I'm not new here but haven't posted anything lately. I had a bit of a melt-down and needed to get away from my computer for a bit. My computer also had a meltdown. Funny/NOT how those things seem to happen concurrently? I'm still not sure which happened first!

Anyway...I felt moved to write this post because I'm pretty much at this point too and fighting it with just about everything I have. So...with that said...I too am backing away. I won't take time off...but I back away in soooo many other ways. I do not cry easily and will sit and stew in my feelings for months. I need to find a safe way to purge them. I have tried many things...but have not found my answer yet.
I worry about hurting her...and...I worry about hurting myself. I hope that I trust her enough.

The transference pressure cooker is making me crazy. Most of the time I still want to stop going to therapy and I entertain the delusion that I would be much better if I would just stop. I've had enough experience to know this is a delusion. But...I still go there. hmmmmm.....

Lately I've had several sessions that have consisted of nearly total silence....my T and I just sit and tolerate it...and the pressure continues to build. Of course, I hate this and I feel her discomfort as well. But she knows that I need to take a huge dump! I am, understandably, terrified and feel that my life will explode in super-nova style and leave only a black hole, and an incredibly huge tear in the space/time continuum!

Sometimes I just hate the fact that therapists seem to love it when you spew your worst most vile feelings, and then try to pick up your naked self...get it together and go back to your real life!
(It seems I am spending most of my time trying to figure out what REAL is.)
Of course I know...this is "the working through" of therapy but I don't have to love it!

Thanks for reading...and being out there.

((())))'s to all.
SD

Hi, I agree with all of yall. I wish someone could teach me how to sit there with my feelings in front of my P without shutting down because it seems impossible to me. The worst is to break down and cry. I have never cried in front of anyone since I was five years old. I wont even let my husband see my cry and if I cant cry in front of him I dont know how I will ever be able to cry in front of my P. But I do feel envious of those people who can cry with their T/Ps or in front of anyone else for that matter. In my celebrate recovery group people start crying and let others take care of them and help them and I want to be able to do that so badly. Maybe some day Ill get past this enough to be able to, but I do wish someone could just tell me "this is what you do to make it feel okay to you" and then for me to be able to do it.

Hi monte, starfish, soulfuldaze & pippi

Why can't we cry???????????

Crying shouldn't be so hard.

Anyway, I wrote this post in another thread as this is what I think of this whole feeling thing - where we are now and where I (and possibly you?) need to move forward to.....

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...=883108376#883108376

Take care
I'm OK

Hi all,
Perhaps we need to ask an even more basic question,'how do you cry?' I really don't know the answer. My T and I have endless crying converations and I think I have finally convinced her that it's not because I'm scared I won't stop - why does everybody assume that? -It's because I don't know how to begin! I think I'll never get through all the dificult emotions that are still lurking deep inside until I do cry and because I can't, I feel very stuck.

Maybe the way forward is as suggested by AG in the other thread you mentioned to start being brave, testing out little by little and repeating. I can get to the point of my eyes prickling with tears, then the shutters come down. Not to do so would feel too dangerous but I know is not helpful for me in the long run.

Thanks everyone for helping me with your contributions

Hi starfish

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How do you cry?

I have no idea

Unlike you starfish, I am afraid I won't stop crying if I start.

I am also, like all the other good patients here , so concsious of the time / clock during my session - that the whole idea of courageously opening up enough in one session to start crying, only to have the session end, and me having to leave a crying mess is what is terrifying and dangerous to me.

I'm OK

Hi everyone (waving to my fellow Aussies also).

When I first went to therapy it was during a very traumatic period where I have been going through extreme terror for many months. I remember sitting in my old P's rooms and waiting for him to hit me. I just expected that at some point he would. I also expected that he would scream and swear at me or walk out on me. I always kept my bag on my lap and would watch the door so I could be ready to flee if I needed to.

I would pour out my story and cry and sob and one day I questioned something he said. He answered me matter of factly and left it at that. I was astonished. I went back the next week and asked him if that was how he also acted in his real life and not just in therapy. He said yes and I said I thought he was lying. I waited for him to hit me. I asked him why he didn't hit me. He was shocked. He told me I could say anything or ask him anything I wanted to, that he would never hit me or abuse me. So from then on I did. It took about six months to not expect violence from him but in that time I kept talking and kept crying. It also took about nine months of weekly therapy for me to realize that what I thought of as my normal life was seriously dysfunctional and disturbing and always had been. He described it as driving down a highway with a huge flashing neon billboard saying your family is rooted and everyone else notices it but I just keep on driving and don't even look up.

For the first time ever I found a place where I could be me and not suffer because of it.

I do feel that I can tell him anything and that I am safe to tell him things without him abusing me.

That feeling is pure gold. I would encourage you all to just blurt it out without worrying about the consequences. Your P or T is ethically bound not to ever repeat any of your confidences or to reveal if they are judgemental of you.

Here are some things that a very good friend said to me to help me to confide:

Sit with your chair not facing him if that helps, the point is to talk about the serious stuff, the healing comes from the talking and you can work on facing them later.

Write it down and hand it to your P when you get there to read. If he is reading it in front of you it will feel more connected than if he has read it before your got there.

Start with something that isn't as serious or painful and work your way up to the really painful things

Give your P a list of questions that you would like him to ask you to help you get started.

This helped me the most - Remember that if you don't talk about something that is really bothering you and you really need to get it off your chest - remember how painful it will be when you get home and you still haven't talked and have another week to obsess about it.

Hi monte & Halo (I'm loving that so many aussies are on this board! )

monte, all I can say is yes, I agree to all the below.....

On crying:

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I fear I won't stop..or at least not within the prescribed time and that bothers me.

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To be that small person finally taking centre stage and crying out and being rejected, or just watched impassively is an unbearable thought.But being that same person and FINALLY receiving care would spin my world off it's axis indefinitely and I believe open up a greater chasm of grief.

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the silences. My T is ok with them, to a point. I hate them and feel terrible pangs of performance anxiety when they go beyond a minute or two and just start jabbeing on about crap.

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desperation. ie...I can trust this person to respond with an adequate level of compassion....I am courageous enough to have a crack at this very scary and unknown thing...I will humble myself and allow myself to be weak and snottfaced in the presence of someone. And I am bloody desperate to move forward!

And Halo, you sound so brave and courageous. You give the rest of us here hope that we too can open up with our Ts the way you have.

I'm OK



PS - monte, no stress about your location - I told you I was just being curious!!

Hi Pippi, Monte, I'm OK, Halo,
I am so interested in what you are all saying, I wish I had found this site earlier rather than thinking I was the only one in the world with such problems.

Pippi, I too have few memories of crying as a child. For me it was far too dangerous so I just never did or did it very siletly and alone if I really had to.

Monte,I think you are so right. I do trust my T cos the one time I just couldn't stop myself and cried she was so supportive and just sat with me, held my hand, hugged me AND it felt ok. I am desperate to get all these feelings out but now I am scared that if I did it again she might react differently.I also worry about the time pressures, I only seem to get tearful towards the end of a session and then panic that if I were to cry then I would be a nuisance or worse be sent home still crying. So I just keep stuffing all the sadness back inside where it feels safer.

I think like Halo I can't believe my T won't get cross or hurt me if I cried. As a child that was an inevitable consequence of crying so never worth it really. My T says to keep checking with her if I am not sure, then she can keep reminding me that she won't and that things are different now. Sometimes I feel mean asking her because deep down I know she never would but at those times I just can't be sure. Then I feel silly because I now I am an adult now and yet my thoughts seem so stuck in childhood.

Hi Monte,
I just wanted to say welcome to the forums!! I was really glad to hear that what you're reading here is helpful and I'm really glad you took the plunge and posted. Sorry I didn't say hi sooner, I was working my way over here on Friday night and ran out of posting steam (I'm too long-winded! )

AG

Thanks so much monte, but calling me guru has me looking over my shoulder for who you're talking about.

I am glad to hear though that my posts have been helpful. I have received so much support and help here; it's a really amazing community. It's really helpful for everyone to come here and be understood and know they're not the only ones feeling this way.

AG