My therapist and I bonk heads. I believe now, that it is a fact. I feel like such an idiot because in the beginning, I jokingly, lightheartedly said, (after finding out he is of a Zodiac sign compatible with mine) "I think you and I will get along". Did I curse that or what.

I used to see him as this spineless, aloof, almost gentle character, and now I see him as a self-focused, "whatever-works-for-ME!" sort of person, meaning that my importance is weighed by how he's feeling, as in if he wants to deal with me or not. He may be this way to others as well, there is no way of finding out. The only client I've met of his seems to think he's a god, all divulged without my asking.

In the beginning I noticed he always greeted me with smiles, a "how are you?", and generally, very giddy energy. Now it's just the opposite. I worry that because I showed poor behavior, manipulative and dark (as told in another posting on here), that he may have become disenchanted with me because beforehand he seemed almost inspired to hear more of my talk regarding art, books, spirituality... pinning me as someone innocent worth his time. Now all of our sessions are tense and end in fury. He almost always gives off the impression that he is irritated (he has told me straight out that I have irritated him before). Our session yesterday evening he said, "Maybe we should talk about ending sessions" (as in, he's making a point that we've been ending each session HORRIBLY. He did not mean canceling the sessions completely, just to clarify.)

Honestly, he "babies around" like I'm a waste of his time. That is the biggest sensation I pick up when in his office. By "baby-ing" around I mean that he passively stomps around, he sighs left and right, he really looks like a child who is impatient with his mother over "are we there yet!?!?", but only in our case, it is "are we DONE yet?!?!?!?" I am not exaggerating nor bluffing for a rise.

It all literally twists me like a soaked rag; my tears and snot being the water and and suds that fall. Sometimes I simply just cry over the way he's being towards me (whilst in session). I feel like my self-worth is being reduced, which is one of the reasons I came to therapy in the first place, to get rid of that burden being attached to me; all those feelings of inadequacy in my life. I did not ask for these feelings to be brought back up!

I feel this therapy is making me more depressed, but also sort of waking me up to reality, something I haven't spent much time dwelling in, concerning him. I now wonder if he planned his behavior, knowing my part and all with desiring the unattainable older man. He and I have only mentioned transference being a player with him in the "angry-at-Daddy-through-you!" way, not in the other romantic/erotic sense of transference. But, I made myself believe feelings were there because I'm very attracted to him. Mostly, I have never been able to leave it at that. Other women can leave it at "he's a looker!" but I always seem to want the rest of it: companionship, sex, even children at times.

So this is where I am standing, though somewhat unsteady. I'm going to continue therapy, but maybe plan to meet spaced-out rather than once every week. This way, I can pay the regular fee, rather than the fee based on my income, which is DRASTICALLY DRAMATICALLY lower than the regular fee. Yes, I feel I am acting out here because I feel it might send him an even clearer message about how his ways irk me, but then a part of me feels that it is only fair. Also, this plan benefits me because I can learn to not be dependent on him for a slice of sunny uplift pie (sometimes seeing him is the only thing I look forward to.) I'll face the cold, hard wall alone, and write more on what to share for the next time we meet. That way I won't have the anxiety of... "do I have enough to talk about?!" (When I certainly do. It's that false anxiety that really drives me up a wall sometimes.) Also, I can determine if therapy with him REALLY ISN'T good for me, as I suspect, if I feel happier NOT being in therapy as frequently, and then I will cancel and move onto a new therapist, or just take a small break and then find a new therapist. I feel this would be a good test. I would have learned a lesson: There are boundaries, fantasies are only a block causing most of my pain. I could learn how to be honest to me in finding a new therapist with grandma appeal.

I apologize for my immaturity. I see how I sound, completely. Do any of you have any sort of feedback for me? And what I should do? If maybe I should stay and wait it out, without making any fee adjustment... And what if he continues this behavior, do I just sit and ignore it?!

Last night, when I did share a little of how I felt towards his behavior, he said, "I don't feel like sitting here and arguing with you". It sort of closed any chance of working it through, shutting me up. It felt like a huge "SHUT UP".

Thank you,
K

Hi K! It's good to "meet" you.

I'm so sorry to hear that your T is treating you so badly. FWIW, I don't think you sound immature...but his behavior certainly does. It sounds like he's experiencing some kind of counter-transference. Usually T's consult with other T's on a regular basis in order to work through any counter-transference they're experiencing, specifically so they do not take it out on their patients, the way he is taking it out on you.

If you've read my other posts you know I experienced something similar with my former T. To his credit, he was consulting with his review team on a regular basis and trying to manage it, like he's supposed to, but his fear and irritation still leaked through in lots of little ways. Compared to the relationship I have with my current T, the one with him seemed so precarious, as if it took a lot of work just to keep it right-side-up. It's hard to do therapy when that's the case, but then it was my first real therapy experience so I kept trying, hoping it would get better. But it finally tipped over.

It's a relief to have a T now who understands me a lot better, with whom it isn't such a struggle to be understood. The only times I ever cried with my former T were out of frustration or hurt by the way he was acting or something he said that clearly showed he was not hearing me at all. Now when I cry, it's related to something from my past, and not because I feel frustrated or hurt by my T. I actually feel safe with her. I'm making progress in the therapy because my efforts are going into the therapy now, and not into trying to please her or keep her from getting angry.

Regarding counter-transference, CT put it really well in a recent post to me:

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Another thing I thought of when reading your post... I know this is hairy b/c of your old T, but countertransference is NOT your concern. It shouldn't even have to be on your radar. I mean obviously it IS because of your experiences, but it's your t's job to manage it. Trying to avoid "causing" countertrasference is practically impossible IMO... I mean, you could sit on the couch and say.... 'frog' or 'hopscotch' and conjure up some sort of internal reaction from your t... but HOPEFULLY, you will never know it. i guess I'm saying... what CAN you talk about if you're trying to avoid countertransference and you don't know your t's sensitivities????? Any and everything has the potential for countertransference.

I hope this helps to clarify what you need to do so that you can do your therapy. The most obvious recommendation would be to talk to him about it, but when you tried that, his response was to shut you down. There's not much you can do with that. And I do not think you should have to put up with his behavior toward you. That's why we go to therapy, why we pay them, to have it be about our needs only so we can get some work done. It is a really hard job, which is why it's so important for T's to have done their own work and have support in place for them to work through counter-transference if necessary. I would suggest that you look around, try interviewing a few other T's to see if they are a better "fit" for you.

Again, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. To be treated this way by a T is so painful and confusing and disappointing. One more thing, please do not fall in to the trap of thinking this is your fault or that you deserve it. Some T's are just not going to be a good fit for us, for reasons that have nothing to do with us.

Please keep us posted on how it's going and what you decide to do.

SG

Hi Strummergirl! I find it kind of cute that your user name on here sort of goes along with my post title ( a song written by Joe Strummer)! and you were the first to comment! Maybe that is what drew your attention to my post in the first place! :P I had to comment on that. (I am a dork who listens to The Clash too much apparently!)

It is nice to "meet" you too! I am very happy you shared a bit of your personal story involving the T you had a similar issue with. I'm sorry for that, too.

By chance, did you see him/her near the end of his day? I sometimes make excuses for him having poor behavior towards me because he sees me pretty late into the evening. So I feel-- "maybe he is just exhausted". He also sees clients back-to-back. I would be very stressed in his position. I must take the heat, eh!

My T told me, actually, that he felt embarrassed that he even felt irritated those triple weeks ago, after I shared how embarrassed I was over having carried on in such a childish way (slamming his door, grilling him as if he was my father whom I feel a lot of contempt for.)

quote:

To his credit, he was consulting with his review team on a regular basis and trying to manage it, like he's supposed to, but his fear and irritation still leaked through in lots of little ways.

If you don't mind me asking-- what exactly was your previous T fearing? Being bad at his job? And when you canceled out on him, did he kind of feel it coming? Did he show any vulnerability when you X'd him?

I really appreciate you digging up what CT posted about counter transference. This helps quite a lot for me. It is almost unavoidable for me to block out what might be concerning my T, and my T only. I am very, very others-focused and I have that silly over-pleasing factor to my personality, staying with me since childhood. This is good to know, so I can try and avoid making his problems mine. Awareness is half the battle, right?

As CT said...

quote:

i guess I'm saying... what CAN you talk about if you're trying to avoid countertransference and you don't know your t's sensitivities????? Any and everything has the potential for countertransference.

I feel I know his sensitivities, and maybe he also has this aggressiveness towards me because he dislikes that I know what "gets" him? I won't lie when I say that I unconsciously try to get back at him for cutting me off one time in session. I understand the time limit- 50 minute hour ordeal- but, really, it was at a very bad time, a "pregnant" moment, so to speak when I first had the blow up. I have no idea. I really, really don't. Just taking guesses here with him.

I will take your advice on interviewing other T's. I had this one lady on the phone, who was primarily a sex therapist, but she really seemed great. It was a short convo, but I'm considering looking her up again.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all your help.

K

Hi K,

That's funny about the coincidence. A member of the other board I belong to also asked me whether my name has anything to do with Joe Strummer. It doesn't, I just made it up because I took up guitar a couple of years ago. But I guess I'm also a dork cause I like The Clash, too.

My former T was actually very upbeat and had lots of that "giddy" energy you mentioned, especially in the beginning. Sometimes I saw him in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, so no, I don't think time of day had anything to do with it. He also saw patients back-to-back, and I agree it would be really stressful. I often thought he must have excellent focusing and compartmentalizing abilities to be able to shift gears so many times in one day and still be genuinely present for each and every patient!

What happened with my former T is more or less documented in a few other threads so I don't want to give the details here - it would get way too long. Basically, he tried to help me through my transference feelings for him but I think he became afraid that he would mishandle it somehow. He eventually said he didn't want it to interfere with my marriage. He started consulting with his review team about it, but either he, and/or they, became too uncomfortable with what was going on and abruptly transferred me to another T. The only explanation I ever got was that my feelings were getting in the way of the therapy. But I was willing to face my feelings and work with him to find the clinical meaning, so I don't understand how that could be the reason. I was hoping to get more of an explanation at the transfer meeting, but it was a disaster. With the help of folks on this board I left that clinic and found my current T.

Here are links to the other threads if you want more details:

Long rant - very confused

Waiting...

Found the right T!

As much as I appreciate my current T, I do wish my former T and I had been able to work through the disruption. Supposedly that is when the therapy really takes off, when everything falls apart and breaks out into the open. There was so much he was triggering in me, and if it's true that I was triggering him too, then the containment of therapy could have been a golden opportunity for us both to learn something. I liked him and respected him a great deal, was also very fond of him (obviously) and I hate that things ended the way they did with no chance of repair. I think I'll always feel sad about it to some degree but I'm trying to keep moving forward and let it go as much as I can.

My suggestion to check out other T's was only an idea...if you think there's a way to work through things with your current T, then go for it. At any rate I hope things work out for you one way or the other and I hope you will keep us updated!

SG