Hello everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't been around very much and then I go and post a new thread. I'm pretty selfish lately, if I am honest. I just don't have a lot to give, and I am really sad about that.

I was wondering something. Has anyone ever had a situation in their therapy where a situation looked one way, and then...a completely different way when the facts were reviewed? I'm actually feeling scared right now, a bit, which emotion I don't usually feel, because- I finally got some courage and went back and reviewed the final email that I got from my T, which I have not re-read in the month or so since I got it (and read it like twenty times. ) The one where he tells me that he will get back to me on the long email I wrote to him, "in three weeks" since it will take him too much time to write back he was too busy. he said he had just a few things that he wanted to say right then.
Here is the thing: I discovered now, and can clearly see it- in his email he states that he has never felt that he wanted me to leave, has never encouraged me to do so, and that I am welcome to come to him for therapy at any time, whether I'm doing fine or not. As I re-read his email, I am floored by how kind and compassionate and welcoming it truly is, having spent the last month convincing myself that he totally ditched me and wanted to be rid of me. Like- I've been very, very convinced of that. In his email he even states that I am always looking for ways to prove that he wants to be rid of me, and that that is something that does not come from him, but from my past.

I'm just floored by re-reading his email. It is a complete about-face from how I originally read it and felt about it...I thought it was sneaky, lying, manipulative, and trying to cleverly get me to quit in manipulative ways as he was so disgusted with me.

Now I do not trust him, yes, especially since he has not responded as he said he would- but after re-reading this email, I do not trust myself- at all! I'm feeling really scared right now, like there might be something seriously wrong with me to make such things up in my head about him! Is my experience of reality this twisted in my everyday life?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of things? things in relationships not being as they really do seem?

A very confused and scared BB

(((BB))) yes...I've done the same thing with my T via email communication...and I agree with what was said by Monte and FOT...that we are projecting all sorts of stuff onto our T's based on our past relationships...I, too think you are being too hard on yourself BB....(((BB)))...mlc

I'm an over achiever in this department. I managed to spectacularly mangle the intent of, in hindsight, a very supportive affirming e-mail from my T after a mere nine weeks of therapy with him.

Echoing Monte, Free On Thursdays, and mlc...projecting based on prior experiences. :insert big sigh here:

BB, are you thinking about contacting your T? (((BB)))

BB - Luckily, my T never responds to my emails...we just deal with them in session. It is like other people who bring in stuff to read, except if I wait to bring it in, it will mysteriously disappear. However, I do have the same problem with his texts, where I will "hear" things in a way which later makes no sense at all in the context of our interactions and who I know him to be as a person. I'm sure your T did care and want to help you, but even so he wasn't able to give you what you needed out of therapy. And trust me, it's not because anything you needed was unreasonable in any way. I'm sorry there is so much hurt there. And there is definitely never a need to apologize for any level of participation here. Just sharing where you are in your own journey is helping others, really, including me.

BB, I'm sorry you are hurting!

I just wanted to say that I project....have with my T (we don't email)....have with my husband of 11 years....I realize, now, I have insecurities, fear of abandonment, etc etc, and have to re-think how I think. It is a hard process.

((((BB))))

There are studies out there that show that depressed people pay more attention to negative things in their environment than positive. So I'm not surprised that you missed entirely the positive stuff he wrote. It sounds like you are having second thoughts, BB. Like, maybe you want to contact him and work with him again?

BB, I think once you can recognize that you in fact do this, pay more attention to the negative stuff or hear things differently than they are intended and can actually go back and ask T for clarification and start to chip away at that stuff, you will start the healing process. It's almost like having two conversations going on in your head at once: the old stuff, he's trying to get rid of me. And the new stuff, maybe I'm wrong about that and I need to check and see and think of other options.

It's when you become aware of this stuff and develop the ability to mentalize, as they call it, you can begin to grow. It sounds like you've been doing some very important work during this break from therapy.

xoxox

Liese

hi BB,

i understand what you're saying, i go from hot to cold on my T and her intentions all the time. but to me it seemed like the overwhelming feeling for you was that he wasn't enough for you, whether he had good intentions or not, it just seemed like he couldnt bring enough consistency and care and understanding and boundaries and whatever you needed - bring it all together to help you. i do think its a good sign though that you are seeing some of the positives too and it is totally up to you to decide where to go from here. i am sorry you are hurting and are missing him ((((BB))))

puppet

Thank you guys so much...I feel better than I did, I was freaked out by reading his caring response, it twisted my world, in some weird way. Now I'm realizing that it is possible for him to have cared as much as therapists can care- and still just not have had what I needed, largely due to the internet factor.

Puppet (said with cool English accent, of course) you have a way of succinctly saying what it is, and thanks.

Monte, thanks for your comforting words and normalizing my experinece. You really hit the nail on the head too, as usual.

FOT!!! It is really good to see you. Thank you for posting. I agree that I can feel very rejected just by the fact that T will never "come after me" or even ask...what is happening, why I would need a break, and can we talk about that.

mlc, thank you for hugs, it is lovely to see you. thanks for posting. I guess I definitely was projecting, but... there is still some kind of truth in what I experienced as rejection from my T. I *just no it.*

hemlock yes, projecting is a bear. It really sucks because it messes with our perceptions and our reality and makes us distrust ourselves besides the pain it causes. My problem was that my T never really *undid* my projections...he just accepted them, wort of, even while denying them in his laid back kind of way. It was ouchy. Hard to expalin, just...ouchy.

Yaku, yes, in a way it is better for therapy not to be done by email, in certain situations, unless the T is able to commit the sufficient time to them from day one and be consistent about it. If not it can land in bigger messes. So good on your T for having the boundary in the first place...that is a protection for you. unfortunately what I needed from him ended being way more than he was able to handle, which would have looked like...probably weekly appointments with a couple of emails in between, with him reminding me as necessary, to keep them short enough for him to handle. He didn't seem able to handle that amount of need from a client, consistently. That hurts.

Ninn, lovely to hear from you- thank you for the hugs. I totally realte. I guess I probably project with my H too, although my T never was very good at showing me exactly *how* I was probably doing that. I am glad you are learning how to re-think- that's a big acheivement and big project, you ar edoing great.

Liese as always it is great to get your response to me. Yeah, I do focus always on the negative, but sometimes it is made easier to do that by the T for some reason. He had some kind of mystical, powerful feeling to me, and I felt so ...small beside him. There was something so intoxicating about him, but ultimately destructive to me. Like alcohol, I was very dependent. In some ways I wonder if he (unconsciously) fostered that type of dependency on purpose, and then rejected it when it happened as- "me being bad."

puppet, thank you- as I said you cut tothe heart of it, it was that he didn't bring enough consistency (which is care) and understanding and boundaries and...being physcially present to me. I haven't quite decided where to go from here. I may or may not contact him again. I'm not sure what to do.

I did meet with a counselor today who did some pre-marital counseling for both me, and my H many years ago. I had actaully forgotten all about him until more recently. I really like him! I told him, has he ever met with somebody who needed therapy in order to be able to deal with their therapy? We had a laugh about that. He feels kind of...familiar and pretty safe, somehow. But totally different from my T, like- totally different. He asks questions. He even asked me if I would be ok giving him some of my family history next week. (!) He cuts to the chase pretty quick, thank God, he's a man- with a *wee* bit of a gay vibe, and no avoidance there. He's a Christian, which is important to me. He doesn't avoid stuff. He might be good. I booked another appointment. I'm ambivalent, and hopeful, and squashing my hopefulness even as a write because...how dare I be hopeful about a T. He's nice. That's all I'll say. He remembered me! He even remembered my H's name and some stuff about us. I was shocked rather, at that. I do not think my dear T will remember me at all, even now.
I told him about the transference with my T. He just cut to the chase and basically said it's a father issue and he said that I avoidant because I do not know who I am. Hm it was kind of ...good. No big mysteries or mystical powerful stuff, just two people communicating about a problem honestly and openly. He's so...normal. He *not* Gandalf, like my T was. He's like...normal. A person to talk to. I think it might be ok.

So that's where I am.

Love to you all,

BB

BB,

So glad you saw another T and that you are feeling good about it. I hope that it works out for you. You desperately need to find a T that can understand you and that you can easily talk to and be honest and open with. Hoping this works out for you!

((BB))

MTF

(((BB))) So glad you met with this potential new (is he a T or a C?) I really want to see you have the support you need with someone who can see where you're at and meet you there. I hope it continues to go well. Please keep us updated. I know it hurts right now, still, about breaking from your old T. I hope you know that I'm praying for you and thinking of you!

((((BB))))

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
...I told him about the transference with my T. He just cut to the chase and basically said it's a father issue and he said that I avoidant because I do not know who I am.

This alone earns him a thumbs up. Seems totally worth seeing him again.

I'm hopeful for you.

Aw, BB, I'm thrilled that this T has potential. Thanks for updating us...I'm so glad that you're going to see him again.

(((((((Beebs))))))) Thanks for the update. I LOVE the sound of this T you met with...the way he remembered you and your DH, the way he asked questions, the down-to-earth way it all felt to you...I get a very good feeling, too, from what you are saying, and how you "sound". And I love that it's sparking some hope in you again...you deserve to have hope, dear one. I am very much looking forward to hearing how the next session with him goes.



Love,
SG

Yay Beebs, your meeting with this T sounds pretty positive and gives a tiny ray of hope in the blackness you've been experiencing lately. Well done you for going to meet this guy - that must have taken a fair bit of stength and determination and I'm so pleased you did it.

I hope your next session gives you even more hope. Look forward to hearing about it!

Big hugs to you (((((( Beebs )))))))

LL