I'm starting to suspect that the chronic fear that I have been dealing with for the past 10 months - I mean like real, physical fear with no apparent source - is my mind's way of keeping me from experiencing feelings like those involved in transference.

I have at times felt like I'd like my T to be my friend/teammate in this journey.

Also, there was one night about 6 months ago when I had a horrific anxiety attack. I called my T and he called me back. During this attack, I told him that I was scared to death, that I felt like a little kid, and I wanted to see him and have him hold my hand. He comforted me and said that I would make it through this experience, and emphasized that we'll make it through this together.

But, I don't know what's happened since then. I haven't had any more feelings like that. It's like I started down the transference road, but then just stopped. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Did I miss my "chance" for real healing?

Boy, I feel like such a mess lately, and I can't deal with this friggin' fear any more. If it's there to block some feeling, I wish the feeling would just come out so I could have some relief.

Russ

Russ,
That fear that you're experiencing is what my T calls "the bind." I've struggled with it from the very beginning of my work with my present T. As a matter of fact, it was my "wow, it's wonderful to feel understood, now I have to go" behavior that clued him into my attachment issues.

Here's the thing. We're biologically hard wired to go towards our attachment figures. When we're infants and children it's a life and death issue because we need them to survive. Our imperative to live, is also our imperative to go towards relationship. We need relationships to know ourselves, to be fulfilled, and be able to live fully. But when you experience what we did as kids, in your case, a father who consistently rebuffed any attempts at relationship. Getting hurt, over and over, taught you on a very deep, unconscious level, that to move towards relationship gets you hurt, its a dangerous thing to do. So we try to teach ourselves not to need, not expect, not to go towards other people. But those deep, primitive, life-giving needs don't go away. So you end up in this hellish place where your loneliness and need drives you towards people, but getting too close scares you to death and sends you running the other way.

Add into that the fact that the emotions you are trying to access where stored away for two very good reasons, they were extremely painful and you didn't have the resources to deal with them.

And in my experience, I have been endlessly creative in finding excuses to leave. My T is sick to death of me, he's frustrated with me, therapy isn't doing any good, my feelings about him are too strong and I need to leave because it's not healthy, I can't get better, I am better... ad nauseum ad infinitum. I spent months with my T coming up with new strategies to leave and having my T gently point out time and again that I was doing it again.

I think you're worried about not experiencing a transference you're already in. I think that your Ts understanding, his accessibility and caring for you are really powerful or you wouldn't feel safe enough on some level to start looking at these feelings. But moving towards him is seriously scary, because a part of your brain is screaming at you that you are doing something extremely dangerous. What complicates this even more is that one aspect of moving closer is dangerous. Moving closer will allow you to experience those painful emotions you've been avoiding all these years because now in working with your T you have the resources you need.

The solution for me was to keep walking into the heart of the fear and experiencing something different with my T so that slowly, infintestimally, I've learned that moving towards relationship is actually a good thing, instead of a bad thing. and that when bad stuff happens (as it inevitably does) I can handle feeling it and it doesn't mean the end of the relationship.

I know you feel like a mess, I know you're scared, and I definitely understand you're confused, but you're exactly where you need to be doing what you need to do. And you're much stronger than you realize or you wouldn't be doing what you're doing. Russ, it really does get darkest just before the dawn. It's going to get better, its just that it happens so slowly (and in such a cyclical manner) that it is only after you've come a long way that you can turn and see how far you've come.

You're going to heal. Just keep going back and no matter how scary it feels talk about as much as you can whenever you can. I know this is hard, sometimes so much so that it absolutely feels like you just can't do it. But you can.

(((((((Russ)))))))))

AG

AG,

Thank you a million times over for your kind words. Yes, I'm in a really awful place right now. It's a combination of intense, chronic fear and despair, both feelings without an obvious source.

These awful feelings do feel like they're from some place way WAY beyond my awareness, so your description of "the bind" makes a lot of sense, and the fact that you've experienced this yourself makes me feel much better. I've wondered if other people have had this experience of intense, physical fear without an obvious source.

What's worse is that my best friend who I hang out with most of the time has been gone last weekend, this weekend and is gone most of the coming week, so the loneliness is adding to it all.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
As a matter of fact, it was my "wow, it's wonderful to feel understood, now I have to go" behavior that clued him into my attachment issues.

Do you mean as in, "geez, I seem to be feeling a little better...when do we start seeing each other LESS?"

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I think you're worried about not experiencing a transference you're already in.

I wonder if everyone on the board here is like, "man, when is this guy gonna realize that he's in the damn tranferance already!" I wouldn't blame them. I guess I just have these preconceived notions that this would involve intense feelings of wanting him to be my dad or having some homo-erotic attraction to him. At this point, I'd take either option over "the fear."

Anyway, thanks so much again, AG - and everyone - for helping me. And you all do help me immensely.

Bless your heart(s).
Russ

Thanks HB,

When you were afraid of your T, was it a fear that was with you all the time, or only when you thought about him or were getting ready to go to a session?

Russ

Russ I don't know if this helps but there is just as much negative transference that can happen as positive. Most people think of negative transference as only getting really angry at their T and blaming them for stuff they didn't do. I have a lot fear and anxiety all of the time about my relationships and it becomes especially bothersome whenever I think about or see my T. I have no reason to fear her, she has never hurt me or betrayed my trust but I bring all of this in with me and put it on her I guess. So, it is transference, just not the warm, fuzzy kind.

Thanks for the info, HB. You know, about a month ago, my T did say this:

"Is it fair to say that you are afraid of me and afraid of yourself?" I can't recall the context of that discussion, but I agreed, because it's true.

This most recent bout of dread started back on the 6th after a series of dreams where I was helpless and defenseless. For some reason, our discussion on that night devolved into a frustrating, confusing back and forth and I felt awful all weekend.

Hi River,

Thanks for relating your experience. Yeah, I think I'm into a big mess of both positive and negative transferance/projection with my T. Sometimes I think he's awesome, other times I really dislike him (obviously).

Russ

On the issue of anxiety about therapy. . .

I've certainly experienced my share of anxiety about my therapy/therapist. I could have a completely relaxing day, and be feeling strong, and then on the drive to therapy start having an anxiety attack.

I think it has to do with a number of things: How I really look at myself, dig into all of my issues in therapy. My therapist knows me, and that's scary. What is she going to do with this info? Can I trust her?

So, yes, going to therapy causes a lot of anxiety for me.

Russ,
I am afraid of my T. Let me rephrase that. I am afraid of REJECTION from my T (which I have experienced and is VERY painful). Why do I keep going back? I have NO IDEA!!! Yes I do. I DO have the transference thing going on--big time. It's horrible. Had I known about it before I went in, I might not have gone. However, I wonder if we knew about it beforehand, would it still happen? I'm not sure. It does sound like you might be experiencing some, and perhaps that is part of the reason you are afraid? I am certainly no expert, so just consider that a thought.

I am not new to the forum for everyone. I just changed my "name" for privacy reasons. I have been posting on and off for awhile (ajb).

I have thought of just going in at my next visit and just telling him everything and letting whatever happens happen. I am so tired of these feelings taking up all of my emotional space and energy!! I just might do that. Of course, knowing my appointment is 2 weeks away, it doesn't even feel scary thinking about that right now.If he tells me he can no longer see me because of it, that will be fine. I will just quit therapy. I would not see another T-at least not now for the same reasons I am going in now. At least it will be out in the open. Alot of you say we should tell them, that it is part of the healing process. I think my T did not attend the same schools your Ts attended. He is not as warm and seems more like a doctor. He seems like he wants to hurry up and get the job done-so to speak. I have opened up to him some but not all the way because what I have told him usually leads to him asking me some questions I have no idea how to answer. Then he just sits there while my brain frantically searches for the answers. I panic (only in my mind) and never come up with answers. Then I just feel stupid and like he is thinking I am just a hypochondriac (with mental imaginary illness instead of physical) who is just wanting attention. Then I start thinking maybe he is right and maybe I should not be going wasting his or my time anyway!!

So I guess when I tell him about this transference thing he will say I need to be referred to someone else. I cannot imagine him saying "oh good. Now the work finally can begin." No. He will say, "well I will ahve to refer you on to someone else then." He is not like your T's who are all into the healing processes of rewiring the brain. Well, he kind of is. He does try and teach me to change my thoughts, which,inevitably lead to changes in behavior. But I just have this gut feeling that he will not tolerate transference issues and I am about to be history in his book!!
He can be very stern when need be. It is true that he can also be kind and comassionate. He does not seem to be a "real person". The way I talk to him is diffreent. He is more of an authority figure(which scares the h*!l out of me sometimes). Is that normal? And if so, how do I get past that and be more able to communicate with him?

BLU,

Some T's don't do transference or they purposely don't acknowledge it because that was how they were trained. Before putting yourself out there again can you ask him more about his opinions about transference? Ask him what he knows about it, what he thinks it is, how he is determined to handle it. You can even say that you aren't going to answer any more of his questions until he answers yours and that might take some of the pressure and focus off of you for a bit. His approach to psychotherapy may not be what you are looking for and if that is the case then you may need to find a T who will work with you in a way that better meets your needs and is willing to address these issues. There are very different schools of psychoT training and some actively avoid using transference as part of the process. It may help you to find out from him exactly what his approach it to therapy and his philosophies about how healing occurs. It sounds like you two are not on the same wavelength.

BLU,

Just to add to what River said...I think some Ts do work with transference but don't talk about it. Mine seems totally open to it, but has never once used the word "transference" even though I have.

So, you can ask about it, but you may or may not get the most direct answer because a lot of Ts are careful to not say, "Ok, because of this, you are experiencing this, and as a result you can expect A, B and C to now happen."

Keep up updated.
Russ