All,

I'm starting to wonder if part of my "stuckness" in therapy is that I have no real feelings of transference for my therapist.

After reading so much about it here, it seems like it's something that most people require before any real healing can occur. Do you think this is true? I mean, considering that everyone is different, of course.

I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible? As you can see, I'm starting to doubt everything as I get more and more frustrated with this whole miserable experience.

I just feel like something is totally blocking my progress and I'm wondering if this lack of transference is at least part of it. Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

I appreciate any thoughts on this.

Russ

quote:

I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible?

I'm not convinced that transference needs to be obvious in order to therapy to be "working." Different forms of therapy have different focuses. What is the model that your therapist uses? I'd ask him if you don't know. He might have a more behavioral lean. Ask him about transference -- perhaps you have not yet recognized the baggage that you bring to therapy... OR, your emotional state is just different from those posting on these forums...like minds usually find one another on forums such as these.

quote:

I just feel like something is totally blocking my progress and I'm wondering if this lack of transference is at least part of it. Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

THIS sounds like something worth investigating. Repeat this thought with your therapist. Usually, those "blocks" are at the heart of many of our problems. I'd also discuss (again, maybe) the goal(s) you've assigned to therapy. What are you using the time spent with your therapist to do for you in the outside world? Is it an opportunity to re-evaluate your perceptions/reactions? Do you want to practice reacting before the situation occurs? Usually our goals dictate the structure of each meeting -- my therapists have always been very flexible to my needs, rather than what they think I want.

quote:

Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

quote:

I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible? As you can see, I'm starting to doubt everything as I get more and more frustrated with this whole miserable experience.

This just might be the transference. Look back in your childhood......w/ father? did something happen? Perhaps you have no memory of it? If you have no memory of it them maybe you have a hard time feeling the transference .......... when in fact you are feeling and/or recognizing the transference!

I suggest that you talk to your therapist about it. Most therapist will not share that a transference exists unless the client asks or that the client begins to act out because of it and it become necessary for the therapist to share this. Alot of times a client will share this. (I shared it with my therapist and she already knew!) Your therapist will work with you to see exactly what it means and how you play out old childhood crap via your day to day life. You play out the old childhood crap by you projecting the old feelings onto your therapist.

The development of a transference is a good thing. Most therapist with some exceptions with cbt, dbt, emdr, TA,...... will not use the transference as a tool for change.

Don't worry about it., Just be honest with your therapist and share your thoughts about it. More than likly your theraputic alliance will be stronger and you'll walk away feeling like a burden has been lifted. Most importantly you will gain so much more insight into yourself than had you not shared your thoughts and feelings about this.

Good luck
Wiz

QG,

Thanks for your feedback. My T doesn't have a real set "model" that he uses, but I'd put it in the ballpark of depth psychology with a mixture of Freud and Jung. He's most definitely not a CBT-ist. I have mentioned transference to him before and I even asked if he was OK that, he said with a smile, "how am I doing so far?" But that was a while ago.

I agree that my blocks are at the center of my issues...blocked anger, blocked sadness, blocked everything.

Wiz,

Thanks so much. I was wondering over the weekend if the horrible feeling I had since last week's session was in some way transference. If it is, it sure feels awful.

quote:

Most therapist will not share that a transference exists

My T would be one of these for sure. I'll talk to him about it tonight and see what he says.

Thanks again.
Russ

Believe me, you are better off NOT having transference. I don't have it with a psychiatrist, I have have it with a chiropractor and it is quite painful to go through. I've had it for over 3 months now and I am trying my hardest to get over it. It is not something you want, trust me.

quote:

Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

quote:
I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible? As you can see, I'm starting to doubt everything as I get more and more frustrated with this whole miserable experience.

This just might be the transference. Look back in your childhood......w/ father? did something happen? Perhaps you have no memory of it? If you have no memory of it them maybe you have a hard time feeling the transference

I agree with Wiz here. I'll be interested in hearing what your T says!

-CT

Well, we didn't even get to the transference tonight. Instead we talked about how I am able to articulate what I feel I need to do in therapy one minute (namely, bring focus to the sources and targets of my anger and then feel it) and then sabotage all this clarity and sense of purpose and focus by saying how lost and hopeless I feel the next minute.

My T explained that what he hears in this is me saying, "man, this idea of really getting to the anger and feelings is dangerous. Very very dangerous. So, let's retreat to the familiar default position of feeling lost, confused and helpless."

When I said, "wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm doing this consciously?!" he said, "no, but a part of you is using self-effacement and feeling defeated to get you back to a place that is more comfortable, even if it's painful."

I guess this makes sense, but what I am sure of is that it's time to take my anger and stop bludgeoning myself over the head with it and turn out outward.

Russ

Hi Russ:

I'm new to the discussions, but I have been interested in your question beacuse I have been possibly struggling with something similar.

I would wonder how much you trust your T. (He does not sound very outwardly caring). For myself, I was unsure at first and when I found that I could be trusting of him that's when the feelings of transference started to kick in. For me it's not an intimacy thing, it's more like he's the dad or best friend I wish I had.

I've had a few rough sessions over the last month or so and I'm not feeling quite as trusting at the moment and my feelings for him have definately faded. I still care very much for him, but the intensity is definately not there and I'm actually feeling more like what you are describing, angry, shut down, frustrated.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is maybe the trusting/feeling comfortable is what brings it about?

MP

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
Well, we didn't even get to the transference tonight. Instead we talked about how I am able to articulate what I feel I need to do in therapy one minute (namely, bring focus to the sources and targets of my anger and then feel it) and then sabotage all this clarity and sense of purpose and focus by saying how lost and hopeless I feel the next minute.
Russ

Hi Russ...

Maybe what he is saying is that you need to stop yourself before you go to that place of feeling lost and hopeless. That is to say...you need to stay with your anger and continue to focus it where it needs to go. Don't drop back to the familiar "fox hole" you've dug for yourself.
He's just sort of following you around the mine field. That is his solution...as to the pacing of your therapy. He seems to be sensing your need to drop back and does that to keep you feeling in a safe place and comfortable, in your discomfort. He wants you to see your discomfort, and process that, so that you will be strong enough in your resolve to move through your anger.

I find this approach extremely frustrating too...sometimes I feel I need to be pushed, just a little. Simple encouragement will usually help...but some T's, don't work that way. Especially, when they see us more than once a week. They always want us to lead the way...but also want us to believe that they are shining the light into our darkness. What they really seem to want, is for us to take that "leap of faith" into the abyss, all on our own. They will never tell us this...but we get it...don't we?

The other thing I find frustrating is when my T seems to want me to drop back to "remedial" therapy and cover a ton of stuff I've already been through.
I know it has some value...but is it worth making me crazy? Arrrrgggghhhh.....

You have my empathy...Russ...I hear where you're at and it's crazy making for sure.

SD

quote:

Originally posted by Missing Piece:
I'm actually feeling more like what you are describing, angry, shut down, frustrated.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is maybe the trusting/feeling comfortable is what brings it about?

MP

Hi MP....

Can you talk a bit more about this? *damn...doesn't that sound therapeutic?*

I'm just wondering where you are in your therapy and what has you feeling these things?

SD

Hi MP,

When you ask if I trust my T, in what way do you mean? I will say that it's true that he's not very outwardly warm and/or caring, but I don't think that means he doesn't care about me. I think his style happens to be one that is more clinical with a professional distance. I've read that your T isn't there to be your best friend, and I tend to agree with that. And while it bothers me sometimes that he's not very demonstrative or emotional (which isn't to say he's a robot at all), I think I'd prefer that over a T who is really emotional and/or reveals things about himself. I'm not sure why I feel that way, I just do.

SD,

Everything you describe is right on the money. I think that's exactly the case with my T. He will never, ever, ever give me the answers, and THAT is frustrating. It's like I'm wandering around in the dark and he'll ocassionally poke me with a stick to keep me on the right path. He's trying to get me to see how I think, which is so hard when you have NO distance from yourself.

So yeah, it's frustrating.

Thanks for the replies, all.

Russ

Russ, It sounds like your doing some real good work in therapy. Therapy is painful. You have courage for facing an unknown. Don't worry about about the transference. My guess is he already knows ....... when an opportunity arises bring it up. It's part of your therapy process.....

Listening....
Wiz

quote:

Originally posted by Wisdom:
Therapy is painful...My guess is he already knows ....... when an opportunity arises bring it up.
Wiz

Thanks, Wiz. Your right, it's painful as hell, especially when you feel stuck.

I'm sure he knows. Gonna bring it up again tonight since I gotta get it off my chest.

Russ

Russ, how did your therapy session go today?

Wiz

hey Wiz,

My session was last night and it went pretty well. I'm just frustrated with where I'm at, and it pretty much all comes down to that. I very calmly told my T all the things I had on my mind, about all the things about him that make me angry, etc. and he was, as always, totally stoic.

He did make a point to say that "this conversation is very, very different, and I wonder if you know why." Of course, I wasn't sure, but mentioned the whole transference thing. He typically neither confirmed or denied this, but told me that I should give myself more credit for my own insights and clarity of feelings. So I guess that was good.

Thanks for asking. Hope you're doing well today.

Russ