DF, yes, i had shared some pretty vulnerable stuff, and i guess, her reaction seemed stiff and emotionless. so, like you say, i felt more vulnerable with the disproportion of her empathy to my stuff. and the fear of judgment and pulling back. i may be wrong, but, i think she was REALLY OFF that day. i will go back on wednesday, but if the lights are on (strike one), and if she doesn't have some good skills at repairing the rupture (strike two), and if i still feel like that monkey under the table when i leave...no compassion, no warmth, well, then, strike three.

i feel better OUT of therapy than IN therapy, and i think now, it is her, not me. life is getting better, but this issue with her, and how crappy i feel in there is pulling me down. i feel this obligation to see this dbt through, but, at this point, i am going to walk in, and instead of apologizing for calling her and crying and accusing her of not liking me (yes, i am an adult!!) i am going to say i need to work on interpersonal effectiveness tools, and get some 'sweet' skills and motor on another highway...psychoanalytical.

i am NOT crazy, i am not true full blown BORDERLINE, but SHE makes me feel like i am, and i don't think SHE is BAD, i just feel a mismatch. i feel BELITTLED and that "i don't deserve to be in therapy, i am a princess, and need to grow up and get a life." and YESSSSSS!! you are right, DF (i am not being ugly!!) i DO SAY THAT ALOT, but that IS what i feel in there, and thank you , DF, for pointing out that repetition...i hadn't even noted it...i will mention it to her that that is a MAJOR trigger, ANYTHING that points to that. from LACK of compassion to MAKING me write her words down. BIG BLOW UP WITH T3 over this! this....THIS IS MY HOT BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks df for pointing it out to me!!

LL, thanks for pointing out that going on wednesday WOULD be the self-caring thing to do...that answers my question. and, like you, there is alot of paranoia on my part, too, but, also, alot of keen sense of shaky grounds...like an animal senses a coming tornado...perhaps i am wrong sometimes, but, sometimes, i am RIGHT ON.

i spilled my guts out on the phone, the tears were ROLLING DOWN MY FACE!!! so, i guess i will see what she says. i hate the awkwardness of walking in, FEELING that she thinks i am a CLOWN, and the stupid first words...'uh, how are you' ... 'uh, fine, except, uh, i feel totally HUMILIATED calling you' ... 'oh, WHY?' ... 'because i look like a MORON, you idiot, do you not RECALL MY BLATHERING OVER THE PHONE ABOUT HOW I DON'T THINK YOU LLLLIIIKKKEEEE ME??? like a teen aged boy with a crush???' ... 'well, i didn't hear you that way, you seemed, to me, afraid, and y'no, what you said is JUDGING yourself, remember, we aren't supposed to do that at 'big girl dbt'!! ... and so on.

yes, these t's really can't handle anger, i sense. and the good ones that can?? they are just not on my radar i guess, or else i am one unruly b***h, and really, i don't think that is the case....

thanks for your insight, LL, and your encouragement to go...face the beast...AGAIN!!

but SOMEONE, please...PLEASE give me permission to QUIT if it doesn't go well!! i figure this, if it doesn't feel good, i will, at the half hour tell her that i gave it thirty minutes to somewhat look like repair is possible. for the next thirty minutes, let's look square in the head, termination. i can't be that monkey here anymore.

jill

don't you think it is somewhat the t's responsibility to make you FEEL that you are appropriate in BEING THERE???

dang, i WISH i could send this all to her, i will NEVER be able to say it to her. i REALLY wish i could be in a confessional booth...it would be SO MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!!

the 'in the room' experience is just more stimulation and input than this girl can handle.

ease me in, don't BLIND me with the lights...i mean it, if those lights are on when i come in, i will be hellbent to just walk out the door the way i came in...and MORON should be able to figure that out!! how difficult is it, when a client asks twice about the lights, saying they really bother her, to remember to turn them off the next time!! i am no mind-reader, but, i would say this is a no-brainer!! really!!!

and how MUCH of a bonding experience would that be to a client to remember such a thing.

i don't get it.

oh, guys, i am BOILING right now. i am so miserable, i just can't wait to get in there and sort this out, and resolve this.

i guess i hasten a trainwreck, so that, when i REALLY need someone, they will be tested and true...and this is what this is...a test...to see if she can be who i need her to be to move forward here. i fear her failure, but see it as better now than later, when i am REALLY in a tizzy!!

this is just pseudo-tizzy/hysteria...although that phone call coulda provoked a crisis hotline number exchange by the lawsuit fearing therapist...

jill

df, just have a second, but thanks, and yes, that was a clever way to validate you, i have said what you said, 'it wasn't THAT bad', but i like that it was real, this is real.

so MANY of my feelings as a child were NOT validated, as i suspect yours weren't, so it IS hard for us to see that what we are feeling is REAL. real has to be touched, y'no?? but, this is real.

that is a great perspective, thanks for sharing. jill