Hi All,
You are all making me do something I didn't think was possible and that's appreciate my therapist even more for how he's handled this. Any and all of my feelings about him have always been welcomed, he told me that explicitly on a number of occasions that "all of your feelings are welcome in my office and can be discussed" but he never talked about his feelings for me aside from when he needed to reassure me.

The first time I told him that I was feeling attracted to him (which was BEFORE I was working with him individually) he told me he understood why I would be feeling that way and that he was glad that I was feeling connected and cared for and that I was safe talking about these feelings because nothing would happen. He did very charmingly say that he was rather flattered and joked about it being all his charm and good looks in such a way that made it obvious that he really didn't think it had all that much to do with him.

I remember once asking him to tell me that nothing would happen because I needed to hear it in a "no way, let it go, you can't have it" kind of way and what he said was a statement of safety instead. That the only relationship we would have would be in his office and the only thing that would happen would be to discuss my feelings. But because of that NONE of my feelings were off limits. I even told him once, in a very significant session, that I realized that I trusted him in a way I had never trusted anyone before and that I loved him (not in a romantic way, but parental). His response was to affirm the feeling and he mentioned that some people including professionals, wouldn't see it as real but he understood that in this kind of intimate honest relationship those feelings can occur. Then he said that he did not find my feeling distasteful either personally or professionally. So my feelings were accepted and welcomed but we never really talked about his. So I didn't hear "I love you" back, which I knew not to expect but it felt like my feelings were accepted and validated.

He has walked that fine line between holding really clear boundaries but being emotionally accessible. And even with his ability to do that, this has been a long, messy, chaotic, confusing, painful passage. But it's also been incredibly healing and I do believe that I am eventually going to leave a much better person than I went to him as. I'm really sorry that you have not experienced that kind of clarity with your Ts. I don't want to make it worse by talking about how my T handled it; but to provide an example of how it looks when it is handled well. It takes so much courage to speak up and be honest about these feelings and to have them mishandled leads to even further pain and confusion. And what I hate the most is that everyone who experiences this keeps trying to figure out what they did wrong, when they didn't do anything but what they should have.

I think you're all being extraordinary in how you're handling this. I swear I'd be curled up in a little ball in a corner and never come back out, but here you are, talking about your feelings and supporting each other. I find it humbling and I'm grateful to know all of you.

SG, one more thing, you asked about the possibility of this being a deliberate move on the part of your therapist to recreate the trauma. The first time I ever got really angry at my therapist was when he cancelled an appt and I found out he gave it to someone else. I was able to tell him I was angry (he worked really hard to let me know it was ok and was very non-defensive, which was even more impressive because he really hadn't done anything wrong) and during talking about my feelings, I asked if he had done it deliberately just to see how I reacted. He told me that there had never been nor would there ever be a strategic canceling of an appointment. That he was human and no matter how hard he tried not to, he would eventually fail me. That if you wait long enough, everything eventually comes up in therapy, there is NO need to manufacture anything. Which has been very true. You bring your relational history to the relationship so the things you need to deal with get triggered in the normal course of things. Don't even get me going about vacations which are always very reaction rich for me. So I don't think this was a deliberate act on the part of your therapist. And if it was, then RUN do not walk away. The last thing you need in therapy is manipulation, dishonesty and game playing. That's part of what brought you there in the first place.

AG

Hello,

AG, I LOVE hearing about how your T has handled your feelings. Among other things, it helps to make sense of what went right, and wrong, in my own therapy. It also gives me the words to ask for what I need next time. And I mean that quite literally. With your permission, I could just take your last post from T to T until I find one who "gets it". Not that I can "plan" to have transference with a new T, but at least then I would know it's safe to talk about the issues that came up with the old T.

Your latest description of your relationship with your T made me think of my longing for a "safe" father. I believe in God, so for years I've tried to think of Him as my "Father", but I was never able to get that to work very well. I still long for a safe human father. There was one man who was a father "figure" to me for a couple of years, but that was almost 20 years ago and we were not able to keep in touch.

On another message board that I belong to, I've learned that when I'm longing for the old BF, it's not really love, but I'm looking for what I didn't get as a child. My old BF and I met when my relationship with my father was at its worst. I'm pretty sure the reason he still triggers so much longing in me is because I tried to get my dad needs met through him (although of course I didn't think of it that way at the time). And what little girl doesn't want to put her daddy up on a pedestal?

In my mid-20's, I had a relationship with a woman my mom's age who gave me emotionally what my mother was not able to. She's not a therapist, but she's very spiritual and down-to-earth, very wise, and it seemed to work because I don't long for a mother anymore. When you describe your T, it makes me wish for a similar relationship with a man who could give me emotionally what my father couldn't.

Thank you for the compliments and encouragement in how we're handling this...but first of all, your posts are one of the big things helping me handle it right now, your example of how therapy goes when it goes well. And second, and I know I don't know you very well, but from all your posts (I noticed you hit a grand - congratulations!) I really doubt that you'd be curled up in a ball forever. Maybe for a little while (like I was)...but then you'd come out looking for answers too. You wouldn't stay down.

As for the games, it is so hard to tell what is going on here. It may truly be transference because my old BF played games. At any rate, I will most definitely get it clear with the next T that there are to be NO games, or there is no deal.

Must get to bed...it's very late here.
Good night all,
SG