Hi AG,

thanks for your reply! I hope the virus has played all its cards by now...

It's so helpful (such an inadequate word for such a big thing!) reading your account of your terrible experiences, both as a child and as an adult.

quote:

He was an alcoholic, violent when drunk, and sexually abused me.

I can still remember my horror when I realized that I still loved him. And that I still longed to have him love me.

oh AG, that is so gut wrenching!

For me, the realisation I still long for his attention and wanting to be cared for even if it's in an unhealthy (that's not entirely the right word, but I can't think of a more accurate one) way. It has me in such knots, railing at myself for that longing. And feeling so embarrassed that now my poor t is the one I want to take care of me. I will tell him this week and already feel the colour rising in my face.

Your description of visiting your dad on his deathbed struck a big cord, here is a poem I wrote:

Heart's Lament

My heart was so full of you father.
You ripped it out
every morning
to feed your emptiness.

So full of hope I was
every morning
that you might change
and leave me be
to just drink in your nearness.

Bu no,
your cruelty knew no bounds.
Even blaming me
for your sins.

And I was left
with nothing to hold on to
but sorrow
and my own inadequate spirit
that would not let me falter
but rather
spit it all back in your face.
With much, much effort
my love hadt to go
so I could live.

Think of this
on your deathbed.
Think of me father
when you finally,
finally can't avoid the truth any longer.
That you are
what you are
and you did
what you did

and that
will be punishment enough.
And with that
I can let you
be at the mercy of what you will find
and sleep my own sleep.

quote:

because it was only in heaven that I had any chance of ever having him be the man to me that I had longed for him to be.

this just leaves me with a sense of awe of how much love human beings are capable of. Your dad had an amazing daughter, and I'm very glad he left that final message for you!

quote:

As far as working with a male therapist; I know for me it turned out to be incredibly important

I think for me too. Really brings on all the difficult stuff, which just wouldn't happen with a woman in this utterly direct way. yikes


Thanks
SB

Hi Songbird,
Thank you so much for the gift of that poem, I can't being to describe how it resonated with me, you have used your poetry to make plain something that is almost impossible to articulate. It captured so well the essence of how I felt about my father.

I also wanted to comment on one thing you said.

quote:

For me, the realisation I still long for his attention and wanting to be cared for even if it's in an unhealthy (that's not entirely the right word, but I can't think of a more accurate one) way. It has me in such knots, railing at myself for that longing. And feeling so embarrassed that now my poor t is the one I want to take care of me. I will tell him this week and already feel the colour rising in my face.

This is NOT unhealthy to feel these longings, you are NOT longing for what you're father did, you are longing for what he SHOULD have done. We are born helpless, and need our parents for both our survival and our development. Our brains and our nervous systems are immature and need the close attention of a loving other to grow and develop. We are biologically driven to seek closeness with our caregivers. That's the real tragedy of abuse, a child has NO choice but to go towards their caregiver; that's why the responsibility for the abuse always falls squarely on the caregiver and not on the child.

Even after we reach adulthood, the human physiology is an open system which only is at optimum performance when interacting with another human being. Our nervous systems actually interact on an unconscious as well as conscious level. We never stop needing other people and loving relationships. Unfortunately, our childhoods set us up to fear and avoid the very things we need to be fulfilled as people.

Your wanting your T to meet your needs is sign of health, NOT of weakness. There is nothing wrong with your longings, as humans we need to move closer to other people to have our needs met. The problem was NOT your needs, it's was your parents failure to meet them. I know how difficult and confusing and embarrassing it is to have all these feelings, but there's really nothing wrong with them and there's a lot right. I look forward to when you'll really "know" that.

AG

SB,

I too have intensely split feelings about my father (and my mother, too). I have feelings of blinding anger. But, now that he's in his late 70s and not quite the same mean, dismissive, hostile jerk he used to be, I have trouble with the anger. After all, who can be angry at an old man who, from a material and financial standpoint, has been incredibly generous to me my whole life?

That question is the basis for the argument inside me. It serves as a denial of the fact that while the man was generous on one hand, he was, in fact, emotionally abusive and neglectful on the other. In my opinion, not having your emotional needs met as a child is crippling, and if there was physical or sexual abuse in the mix, well it makes it all the worse.

Still, you can intellectually understand the presence of mixed feelings; and the fact that it's never a black and white issue...that a parent can be wonderful in one way and a monster in another way. You can understand all this stuff but still have this horrible conflict of feelings. It's a struggle.

So you're not alone on this. It's become a total cliche, but it's true that we have to "own" these difficult feelings before we get anywhere; meaning that we have to feel and understand them in our gut, and not just intellectually in our minds.

Russ

AG

quote:

The problem was NOT your needs, it's was your parents failure to meet them.

Thanks for reminding me! I don't really believe that, deep down I hold on to that notion that it must have been a fault of mine. And wishing I could go back and change it all. Not possible of cause. Little reminder by little reminder I might "know" this at some point in the future

I talked to my t about how I felt this week and it turned out to be not a big deal at all, which is so refreshing!


Russ,

it is tricky to feel so angry towards someone who only exists in that way in our past. I don't really get it and just ask myself where this feeling is supposed to go now? So it's stuck somehwere inside.

quote:

and the fact that it's never a black and white issue

yes, I don't do grey very easily. In fact I am just discovering that the colour exists at all! Might get to the colours eventually


have a great weekend! I'll be away until next week, hoping the sun will shine!

SB

quote:

I don't really believe that, deep down I hold on to that notion that it must have been a fault of mine.

SB,
Most survivors of abuse feel the same way (I know I did for a LONG time) because to believe that it really was your parents fault when you were a child was to lose your "good" parent who was necessary to your survival. It would also leave you face to face with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness and your inability to change what was happening to you. If it was your fault, then you "might" be able to fix it so you retained some sense of control over what was essentially a very out of control situation.

As my T keeps telling me, reasonable reactions to unreasonable circumstances. And as much sense as these reactions made at the time since they are what allowed us to survive, continuing to believe them is what limits us now.

And you will know it as some point in the future.

AG