This is getting to be a really difficult dilemma for me.

Today I was struggling a lot to be present with DH, but I had all these thoughts and feelings going around in my head about my T...positive ones, like love, gratitude, but mixed with disorientation, embarrassment, etc. Well, it's not like I have to explain it that much more to you people.

Anyway I was feeling guilty for neglecting my DH and not being present with him, so I decided the right thing to do was to try to talk to him about what I was feeling, so that we were actually connecting on some level. Except, I don't really think he understood that well what I was telling him (on the first try he rolled his eyes at me), and he didn't seem very present. And then when I tried to tell him I felt abandoned emotionally by him, he got really hurt and said he must just be too stupid to be able to understand me So even though I was feeling almost shut down myself, I tried to give myself empathy and pull myself together so I could empathize with him. But once he felt better from my empathizing with him, instead of listening to me then, he asked to hold me and then fell asleep in under 3 minutes So basically I was left holding all the feelings I started with, PLUS the abandonment.

Part of the whole reason I started therapy was because I could see how much my marriage was suffering due to my depression and my other issues. I didn't care that much about my own life but I could see the toll that I was taking on DH and I felt guilty and wanted to do something, and he encouraged me to go to therapy as well. But now that I am getting better, and now that I can see what it's like to relate to someone who can really meet me where I am emotionally, and where I don't always have to hold up both ends of the relationship, it's making me see all the things about my marriage that I'm not that happy with. Also the way DH is unconscious about so many of his feelings and acts out and dumps things on me. And I feel guilty comparing DH to a professional therapist but I don't know how not to at least on an emotional level. I do love him regardless, I have no desire to leave, I am in it for the long haul, but I'm afraid the truth is going to hurt him too much to know that I feel much safer, better, etc. with my T than I do with him at the moment and it makes it hard for me to be as enthusiastic spending time with him or to feel in love with him. And yet I don't know how I can manage to hide that from him either. It's so hard for me to see him hurt. It scares me and it hurts me, too. I don't know what I should do about it

In a different way I guess it's not that being in therapy has made anything worse, per se. I mean, we had plenty of struggles in our relationship before I started therapy. It's just, this is a new one that I haven't figured how to deal with yet. It's the guilt that is most crushing. I feel like I am cheating on him somehow! Even thought the transference I've got is maternal rather than erotic...it's still really strong and just...AGH! Anyway comments and suggestions are welcome from anyone. And thank you for listening to me vent.

Alcapa,
I want to give you a more thoughtful reply when I have time, but in the mean time I thought you might find this old thread helpful:

I feel like I'm cheating...

But do know you're not alone in your struggle. I always thought it would have been helpful to get just 15 minutes alone with my Ts wife so I could get the truth. Something tells me that after 38 years of marriage she had a handle on him not being perfect.

AG

Alpaca,
It feels like we get consumed by the relationship with our T's...it's one of the things that happens for me although this experience is starting to straighten out a bit for me than my previous attempts at counseling. Although your husband knows mine does not but I'm getting closer to telling him (I think he suspects)...anyways I just wanted to offer my support...I am assuming that this wanting to be with our T's is maybe part of the process, i.e., attachment, understanding, etc. I don't know exactly but really just recently accepting it for myself and I know if I want to be where I want to be as painful as it feels that I have to take it slow because I can't deal with a whole lot especially since I am basically doing it on my own. I read the link AG put on here and it validated "my processing" as of late. I think you are doing good work from all that you write so I think your H will understand...sounds like he is pretty accepting and it may help your relationship grow...just my opinion. Good Luck.
Hopeful

Hi Alpaca,

I deal with some of the things you write about here, although maybe not to the same extent. I do sometimes experience the transference with T so strongly that my thoughts are with her, or on the work we are doing in therapy, when I should be spending time with my H. I feel the guilt over not being fully present, too.

Also my relationship with T has made me realize some things about my relationship with H. Although we get frustrated with each other sometimes-- mostly over typical, mundane things like child rearing and home maintenance, when we aren't frustrated we have a very comfortable and companionable relationship. However, there is not a great deal of emotional intimacy or intensity. Sometimes it seems like we peacefully coexist behind separate walls, so to speak. I'm realizing in therapy that relationships can be very different, but I wonder if I really want a different kind of relationship with my H. The fact that he can be a bit distant and that he is not at all psychologically minded makes him seem like a safer and more relaxing partner, to me. I think being married to a T, any T, would be scary. I suppose this just reflects my own ambivalence and insecurity about emotionally intimate relationships. Food for thought.

Anyway, this is just some of what comes up for me when I compare T with H.

(((Alpaca)))

I'm going to have to read that thread AG posted about because well, my T has my heart. It's good and it's bad. I love the connection I have with him. I didn't want to live before therapy. I didn't know it but my H and I didn't really have an emotional connection. And so, in some way, what I have with my T is way more than I ever really had with my H. It's hard doing the dance at home, though. My H doesn't know anything about transference. I think we are about as emotionally connected as we were before but because now he knows how unhappy I was and that I'm in therapy, he's trying harder than he did before. And, so he's noticing that we're not connected and he's trying to connect with me. Which makes it even harder.

I'm going off the read that thread.

Liese

HoAlpaca, From everything you've said about your therapy and all, I think the maternal bonding is going to pay off in the long run. Maybe it's what you need-scary and all...

Liese, suprised to hear your therapy isn't flowing over to your relationship with your husband.

How is he, anyway?

Even though it's tough, therapy has helped me so much in terms of other relationships. It takes a while to see the effects.

Edited due to privacy issues, nothing at all wrong with the post! - AG

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Attachment Girl,

I hear you, Alpaca. There was a time when I felt like nobody in my life understood me except my therapist.

I've come to accept that OF COURSE nobody can live up to my therapist...not even my therapist. Meaning, if he was a relationship in my day-to-day life, I'd be exposed to his shortcomings and he wouldn't give me his undivided attention and unconditional positive regard anymore.

Does that make sense?

I call this dynamic "therapy voo-doo." (That's the technical term. )

Don't beat yourself up over this. It's normal.

One thing I have done that has helped my relationship with my husband is to steal some of my therapist's tricks for listening and being attentive. Learning to really listen and be present to eachother has helped our marriage in so many ways, but I will say that my spouse has also started therapy, and I think this makes a big difference.

Holding good thoughts for you.

Thanks everyone for the useful replies! I do think it's just a question of being able to tolerate those feelings and put them in perspective.

I am really happy that DH *finally* got an appointment with a P for next week. He's got ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder, and he has been entirely untreated for about the last 6 months. Not easy for either of us! And apparently this P treats PTSD as well. I think it would be amazing if someone actually helped him with his trauma stuff, which for some reason never got addressed by his former T of 7 years (CBT, go figure...)