Hi All

This is really interesting stuff especially the self-love reflection idea.

I met with my T yesterday. I'm still p"*sed with him. We've been so close and I'm not getting that from him now and I don't know if he is pulling away, if I'm pulling away or if it's just the process. He's still there for me but not in the same way. I don't see the compassion in his eyes or hear it in his voice - I don't experience him in the same way but I know he's there for me. I'm in a complete mess about it all. I'm crying a lot - not overly distressed or anything but I seem to be crying every time I'm on my own. It's like I'm grieving or am heartbroken. I know from your posts that some of you have experienced these emotions. I feel I'm in the grip of something and I want to go on and I want to stop at the same time.

He brought up the question of whether or not I was paying attention to the way I dress when I'm meeting him and I just bounced it right back and denied that there was anything in it, that I was usually dressed for work when I met him at the end of the day. I don't feel able to acknowledge that he might have something there....

I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.

I haven't told him this and I imagine you're all (well a few of the usual suspects anyway AG, JM, PL...) going to say I should.

I tell ya it's not gettin any easier!
Lady

(((Lady)))
As one of your aforementioned usual suspects I just want to say that I understand your fears, your needing attention and thinking that you are losing him or that he is pulling away and that you might be inclined to make something up to hold onto him or to regain what you feel you've lost, is completely understandable to me. When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.

I can't say for sure, but most likely you are projecting your T pulling away when it is likey you doing so as we tend to want to run from danger and getting close to our T's feels dangerous sometimes because trusting and being close to someone in the past often meant danger and getting hurt. So when you hit a speed bump even or should I say especially, in the relationship with your T a very primitive response takes over (in the amygdala)that tells you to run away and we do this w/o even noticing most of the time thinking and believing that it is others who are pulling away from us. This is something my T has painfully tried to pound into my head over the years. The fact that you question it and recognize that it is "possibly you" is actually a very big leap in your awareness of it and progress. So hopefully this normalizs what you are feeling and would make it easier for you to approach your T about anything you feel you need to talk about.

Just so you know I am painfully torn right now with a decision to share something with my T too. So I still experience the painful emotions, the grief, and heartbreak (and very currently mind you) that we feel in this relationship that reflects from so many relationships and experiences in the span of our lifetime and the fear of losing someone so significant that it feels like our life force will just expire. Perhaps you have a better handle on this than I do right now, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon or unique to yourself.

I have a thought about what he said about the way you dress when meeting him. I think of it this way, when you notice a concern about a close friend or someone you care about you are more inclined to feel free to express that to them than you would a stranger or an acquaintence. Your T being willing to broach a typically sensitive subject and bring this to your attention reveals the level of confidence and trust that he feels you have both reached in your relationship. I don't know it is just a thought, but I can also relate to your initial defensiveness. I know I get that way with my T a lot. I don't know why the woman puts up with me, really.

So if you tell your T about being tempted to make things up to get his attention how do you think he's going to react? My guess is he's going to help you get to the source of that temptation and why you feel a need to do that and even help you to accept that part of you and to lessen the need to feel like you have to continue to do that. That sounds like a good place to go to me.

I know that right now this is not getting any easier. But it always proves to be worth it after we unravel and mend those broken areas. There just seems to be a lot broken sometimes, huh?

Hang in there, we'll make it.
JM

Sometimes when I start feeling better and things in my life are going well I start to panic because I'm afraid my T will get bored with me and/or I won't need to see her anymore.

Other times, when the crap is all hitting the fan and I am a royal mess, I wonder if there is anything at all about me or my situation that is particularly interesting or challenging to my T, or am I just another one in a long line of clients that say the same stuff to her over and over again day after day. I guess I want to be special even if being special means that I am the worst case of whatever she has ever seen.

I guess that is what it boils down to: I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her. I'm trying to get on even ground with her and diffuse the power differential some. (This whole last paragraph is something I just thought of while writing this post. Thanks Lady and JM for that bit of inspiration!)

quote:

When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.

LoS

What JM says here is so important. I have struggled so hard with this and I still do. It just made no sense to me that I should have these childish feelings as I'm a grown adult and these are inappropriate to me. My T has explained many times that it is appropriate in therapy because these are the feelings that did not get addressed or validated or whatever when I was a child and I need to experience them now in order to work through them. It is scary and painful, but little by little I think I will get through them. I also told my T that I thought I was making things up just to get her attention. In my mind, I still have that fear that if I get better, she won't want to waste her time with me anymore. Again, all of this relates to my childhood where my feelings weren't taken seriously or validated.

Interesting that your T asked you about what you wear. I never gave this much thought before, but I ALWAYS plan what I put on for work on the days I have therapy. It is important to me that I look good for her. When you figure out what this means, let me know.

This whole relationship with our T's can be so overwhelming, painful and loving. I guess for me, it just depends on what is going on at the moment as to which emotion I am feeling. Right now I'm loving her with all my heart as she is really supporting me through some pretty difficult stuff, but who knows what next week will bring. As difficult and painful as it is to tell some things to our T's, it really does bring relief afterwards. (says the biggest chicken of the year!)

PL

quote:

I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her.

Those are good questions River, have you considered coming right out and asking her? You may be pleasantly surprised at her answers.

My T actually mentioned that there are "idiosyncracies" to our relationship this week. This may be a leap, but I take what I can get and translate that to mean special. eheh. "Idiosyncracies! She said we have idiosyncracies, gosh!" *blush* She has also told me that each of her clients enter her mind outside of therapy at different times including me. And that it's never "out of sight out of mind" kind of deal for her. It's sort of like someone who has more than one child (which you and I share the fact of having an only child, but can relate to anyway I think)They can love all their children equally while finding room for specialties in each of their relationships.

Thanks HB

Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction. It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.

quote:

I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.

HB

Great analogy. I agree and I'll try to keep that picture in my mind today. I called my T last night because the downward spiral was beginning and I woke up with it too. She will call me sometime today and at least I know I can have a conversation with her without so much depression. For now, I'm hanging in a linear place and hoping I will begin to spiral up rather than down soon.

PL

quote:

I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.

HB,
I love this analogy too. It speaks to my inner athlete that is lost in there somewhere struggling to find her way out again.

PL,

I hope you are able to use that spiral in an upward direction too. I never considered it that way as if we might even have a choice to use the momentum to carry us in a centrifugal direction. I just called my T too hoping she will be able to give me a little pep talk since I lack the motivation myself.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time too PL. Whatever this stuff is that you are dealing with is certainly not deserved and if sweetness were an inability to hurt you'd never have to worry about it. You are as brave and strong in your coping as HB pointed out. I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
JM

quote:

I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.

Thanks JM

She just called. She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste. She told me that I should go to dinner and a movie tonight with my husband to get my mind off of this situation. Wish she had asked me to go to a movie with her!! Ok, sorry I digressed.

Well anyway, I feel so much better at the moment. She knows me better than I know myself, and seems to always know just the right thing to say to help me out.

Thanks JM and HB for all your support. the downward spiral has been thwarted for now. Let's see how long it takes me to think something else up.

PL

quote:

She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste.

It isn't enough that it seems like we live parallel lives PL, but our T's do too? That or she is the same T. I wont ask where you live or where your T works. Only thing though, my T wouldn't suggest my husband and I go to dinner and a movie. Not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't see that coming from my T. Nor would she ask me to go either. My T also asked me about what I have done to self-soothe and suggested my recording as we already discussed in someone else's topic. Ssshh!
Glad you thwarted that spiral!
JM

Yeah JM, it is funny how much we seem to have in common. The reason she suggested the dinner and movie is because I really need to connect better emotionally with my husband. My shield hides me from everyone. Also, my situation at this time involves our son and she tells me all the time not to let our son's issues come between my husband and me. For the real self-soothing, I am doing mindfullness meditation. I have just started taking a class and it will go for the next 7 weeks. I should be really mellow or really mindless (OOPS!) mindful, by the end of this.

PL

quote:

I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.

HELLO LOS,
I GUESS THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY ONE OF US THAT HASN'T PLOTED OR EVEN FUDGED AN ISSUE WITH OUR T'S OR OUR HUSBANDS, OR FRIENDS, ETC. WHEN WE FEEL LIKE THERE IS AN ABSOLUTE NEED FOR SOME ONE ON ONE ATTENTION. GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS...YES, WE ALL THINK UP CHILDISH THINGS SOMETIMES...BUT TRUST ME THERE IS PLENTY OF THINGS THAT RISE UP IN SESSION MOST OF THE TIME THAT KEEP US TIED UP...I THINK MOST OF THE TIME THE CHILDISH IDEAS JUST PASS THRU YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET BORED WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES..AND THAT IS FINE TOO..WE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH OUR MINDS ANYWAY RUNNING AMUCK SOMETIMES...I MEAN COME ON GUYS...WE DIDN'T BUY OUR TRANSFERENCE AT WALMART!! LOL!! I DO BELIEVE IT ALL STARTED IN THE MIND RIGHT?? BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...I CAN TELL MY NEW MS. T THINGS LIKE THAT THAT PASS THRU MY MIND..AND WE PROCESS IT AND GUESS WHAT...IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO GET OUT IN THE OPEN ANYWAY!!
IF I HAD THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT I COULD HAVE TALKED MY OLD MR T OUT OF DISMISSING ME....THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID..IF I THOUGHT I COULD HAVE STAYED IN JUST ONE MORE SESSION WITH HIM...I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM I SAW HIS WIFE OUT TO DINNER WITH HIS ATTORNEY...OR BROTHER, OR DOCTOR, OR HIS DADDY .....I WAS SO DESPERATE TO KEEP HIM...I WOULD HAVE THREATENED TO JUMP OUT OF HIS 7TH STORY OFFICE WINDOW...BUT THAT WOULD HAVE ONLY GOTTEN ME IN LOCKDOWN!! ....I ALMOST BEGGED HIM ON MY KNEES TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE...HE TOLD ME "NO!!!..THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD....I'M NOT BACKING DOWN...AND I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!" YES, I HATED HIS GUTS ...YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY...SO DON'T FEEL SILLY OR ALONE...WE HAVE HAD THE SAME THOUGHTS I'M SURE...

ALSO FOR THE DRESSING FOR SESSION THING...YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DRESS THE PART EVERY TUESDAY...I GO RIGHT AFTER WORK...I TAKE MY MAKEUP, AND ACCESSORIES...SOMETIMES A WHOLE OTHER OUTFIT IN MY BAG...FIRST I WAS DOING IT BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE IN SESSION WITH HIM OF COURSE BUT NOW I DO IT...BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE SESSION OUT OF HIS OFFICE...BUT HE STILL SEES ME EVERY WEEK!!!...I EITHER WANT HIM TO SEE ME GETTING BETTER AND COPING WELL (BECAUSE I AM )...OR SHOWING HIM WHAT HE'S MISSING!!! ...(OKAY I MAY REGRESS EVERY NOW & THEN SO WHAT)...EITHER WAY....IT MAKES ME...CHARLOTTE FEEL BETTER TO LOOK MY ABSOLUTE BEST!! AND THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT RIGHT?? FEELING OUR BEST AND MOVING PAST THIS PART OF OUR LIVES?...STICK IT OUT GUYS...WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT....EVEN IF SOMETIMES, WE MAY HAVE TO FAKE IT!! HAHA!! TALK TO YOU SOON, C.

Hi! I have been reading posts on this site for the last several weeks.. It has been very helpful to me. I decided to join!

Hi I'm just me (IJM),
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Hi IJM!

Welcome!

OW