Thanks Guys, I have felt more concern through these posts than I have felt in a long time...but it still feels like my heart has been ripped out by a bear...I can't think, eat or sleep...I just keep calling his office to hear his voice on the machine...So much for managing my stress right? I don't know if I can talk to someone else about him...if I do I may just be hurt again...I wanna just go off somewhere and sleep for a few hundred years. Thanks so much for taking me in and making me feel like I had some people that actually care about me...and I know you all do...but I don't deserve any friends. This is what I get for falling for some old married man when I have one at home that I know loves me and takes care of me, even though he is having a tough time right now..I'll try to talk again soon, I just need some time to myself to deci=de if I really want another T or not...I'll be around, Charlotte

Charlotte,
Don't make me get out the HTML slapper and go upside your head! You are being WAY TOO HARD on yourself. (Trust me, I know, I have a doctorate in beating myself up.) This isn't a case of being unfaithful to your husband or you doing anything wrong. These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED FOR THESE FEELINGS. And despite how you feel, you are a worthwhile unique precious person who deserves all the friends, love, comfort and connection you can get; that is your birthright. Not getting those things as a child is the failure of your caretakers, not of you. You can feel like you are worthless all you want, it still isn't true.

And I understand how hard it must be to contemplate going to another T feeling the way you do right now and not wanting to risk more pain like this, but I really think that working with another T would give you a chance to look at this and work it through.

Take care,
AG

Hi Charlotte,

AG is right; “These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. You do not deserve to be punished for these feelings.” I’m going to say it straight up, your T is not punishing you, YOU are and you don’t deserve that. NOT dealing with your feelings is what will hurt you, Charlotte. It will cause more problems for you and possibly your marriage if you don’t. I know it must feel as if you’ve been punished and scolded in the worst way, but you’ve done NOTHING wrong. I hope that you will decide to see another T and straight up ask her if she is willing to stay with you because you feel you can’t risk that kind of hurt again. I kind of think that whomever your T has in mind to refer you to is someone who can commit to you the way you need her to. But you can always ask to make sure and I don’t blame you for that.

I worry for you because these feelings are too much for you to bear alone. I am glad that you are posting here and finding this kind of support, but I really hope that you will try to trust another therapist. The last thing you need is to have stayed with a T who may have hurt you more in the long run and perhaps violated the sanctity of the therapeutic relationship by giving in to your desires for him. As strongly as we feel for our T’s sexually, maternally, friendship or otherwise, it is NEVER ok for them to give in to that. It is not wrong for us to have these inclinations but it is NEVER ok for them to violate us by smudging the boundaries. No matter how much we wish they didn’t exist, boundaries are for our protection.

The fact that you had these feelings for a married man and contemplated the desires and fantasies that you had is no indication that you are a bad person, these very desires point to something much deeper than that, much more innocent than they appear and a good therapist will help you work through the underlying issues of transference.

I look forward to hearing from you “frequently” even if it is just to drop a quick line or two. Please let us know how you are doing.

(((safe hugs)))

JM

JM and AG,

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I had my session last night and it went better. I was able to talk to him. We didn't discuss why I was angry we were able to talk about my anger in general, why I have trouble expressing it? what it would mean if I did? what it would mean if he couldn't deal with it?
As in why I would think he's and asshole and a bad T and go find a better one and why I would make it my fault and proof there was something wrong with me.

Neither of us used the word transference but he pointed out that I approach the relationship with him from the perspective of a child to a parent. You don't get to choose your parent, and you have to make it work at all costs, and if it doesn't it is your fault.

So a good session and my anxiety has dropped some but I imagine I have many more conversations about feelings in my future.

I look forward to the ongoing discussions,

Good for you Incognito! It sounds like you and your T were able to lay some really good groundwork for future discussions.

Incognito,
That really sounds awesome that you were able to do that, it really does take a lot of courage. And your T sounds like he has a good handle on what's going on with you which means you're safe.

For the record, neither my T or I have EVER used the word transference. The feelings are real and legitimate, they're just also deeply rooted. The work of therapy for me has increasingly become about discussing the relationship with and my feelings about my T then tracing them to their roots. Therapy is a miniature of our whole life, a laboratory where we can slow down and have the person involved help us to examine our reactions to them so we can see what we're doing, figure out why we're doing it and decide to change what we want to make our life better. Its really very powerful when you can establish enough trust to discuss these feelings. You should be really proud of yourself.

AG

quote:

I will be waiting to hear how your session goes.

JM:
well it was the best ever. i actually think i might be getting it a little. but (i know you get tired of hearing this from me all the time--lol)---it's a good thing,cause the next available time for me is EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!
well, you know i'll never go that long but anyway....right now i'm still thinking positively from yesterday

AJB,

I know that sometimes you just want to bask in the moment of the positive feelings while you still have them. Go ahead, enjoy. And in those positive feelings notice how secure you feel. Knowing that even though your appointment is another 8 weeks away, you have the freedom to call before that. It sounds great, and I do not get tired of hearing anything from you. To be able to say that you are getting it “out loud” is a big deal. I do the same thing. We’re still in the same boat; I’ve just been navigating the waters a little longer. Like River always says, “baby steps” but every little step is significant and one step further than where you were before. I am really glad that you had a good session.

I hope the positive feelings last a very long time, but whether they do or whether they begin to dissipate you always have us to talk to here.

I had a wonderful two sessions this week. Tuesday was very intense and very emotional, but we were able to pick up again on Wednesday and that helped a lot! I left feeling very secure both days, a depth of security I had not known before. So I've been basking in that eventhough I still have some very strong emotions tugging at me, I am holding on to the positive feelings as long as I can. They are beginning to feel more permanent, but you know I still have to learn to trust that they are.

Talk to you later!
JM

Hello my friends,
I just wanted you too know that after many hours of crying and stressing and crying and eating chocolate milkshakes...( have been driving from one Mcdonalds to the next buying them) i"m up 8 pounds and tottaly depressed and I just can't seem to figure this mess out, what happened???...I was depressed from a car wreck and medical problems..which lead to marital problems, which led to therapy..which led to tranference, which led to stress and depression again...what the devil is wrong here?????
well, I realized that I do need to see a new T. I can't deal with the loss by myself...I've tried and I am going under...(not mention looking like a whale from these shakes!!) I called "him" and he made me an appt for Tuesday to see a female T. in his office...not sure if I can stand seeing him or not...but I want to see him there..Oh God how I hope to see him there!! does that make sense??? But thanks for helping me to understand that it isn't all my fault...but how does he expect me to just forget how I feel about him? Just hope I can deal with it...I have called him about 4 times on is personal voice mail...but he hasn't called me back...do you think he will? It's probably best that he doesn't... but I call sometimes just to hear him on the other end...I think I have totally lost my mind...I'll talk to you soon..Charlotte

quote:

but how does he expect me to just forget how I feel about him? Just hope I can deal with it...I have called him about 4 times on is personal voice mail...but he hasn't called me back...do you think he will? It's probably best that he doesn't... but I call sometimes just to hear him on the other end...I think I have totally lost my mind...

Hi Charlotte,

Welcome back.
I don’t think he expects you to forget about him. He knows this will be difficult for you. I understand the “calling his voice mail” several times too. And he may not call back but he is taking care of you the best way that he can.

I am glad that you get to see your new T on Tuesday. I really hope that goes as well as I think it will for you. You deserve to work through this. It sure sounds like you’ve had a wave of rough times with your car accident and everything that sprang from that. That is a lot for anyone to take. So it is good to hear from you. You’ve been on my mind.

Please hang tight. We are always right here for you. And you better let us know right away how Tuesday goes for you and your new T or I’ll hunt you down! (Just kidding)

JM

Hi Charlotte,
I'm sorry this is so painful and confusing but I'm glad you're here talking about it. I think going to the T is a good idea, I think you need someone to help you get through this. And I'd be calling the voicemail too if I were you. And as hard as it is to not have him as your T anymore, try and take comfort in the fact that I think he's trying to do the right thing for you. Let us know how it goes (or I'll have JM hunt you down. )

AG

Thanks for the support JM and AG...Your the best!! ...Hope some day I will be able to look back on this and tell some other "Transference Rookie" that it's all gonna be okay!..Charlotte

You will Charlotte, you will.

This is tough stuff to handle Charlotte, you're doing great. And yes, someday, you will be able to tell some transference rookie that your appointments were six months apart and you had to walk uphill both ways to get to them.

AG

That's MY story AG! Get your own! LOL-just kidding.