You know what I'm impressed with Charlotte? you ARE already rising above this expereince. As horrible as this has been for you, you are determined to walk on. It speaks to your strength that you may not even be aware that you have. AG has this saying, "The only way out of it is through it." You are charging through it. I wish you could see yourself for what everybody else sees.

JM

JM,
I'm sorry, I thought you had to swim not one but TWO raging crocodile infested rivers. I hate when I can't keep that straight!

AG

ROFL!!!

It FEELS that way sometimes doesn't it??

YOU TWO GOOFS ARE JUST WHAT THE "DOCTOR" ORDERED (NO PUN INTENDED)FOR A SMILE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS BROKEN...KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! ...CHARLOTTE

Charlotte, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things work out for you with your new therapist.

SM2003,
Thanks for the thought! I just don't see why I have to go to another T. Does he think I will just say..."Okay moving on now".."I'm over him...Next!!" This is something I have never been through before...and I feel like my world is crashed in and I can't breath...but I have decided that I will see the new T and I am going to Exercise, Tan, Tone and dress to kill!!!...I will show him...when we pass in the office..."AND WE WILL PASS IN THE OFFICE"!!!! if he did have any thoughts of transference with me....He will have a hard time dealing with this too!! ....I just feel mean today...I would probably melt in my shoes if he said..You look nice today!!...But I need to do this for my self and as part of my healing...who knows...maybe my husband might notice me again!!!Charlotte

Charlotte, you will be fine! I have to ask though why you decided to stay in his vicinity even though you will be seeing another T in his office?

I also don't understand why some therapists can't deal with situations of transference. I mean aren't they taught techniques on how to deal with the issue should it arise? My T did not terminate me as a patient - I decided that I needed to talk to someone else. I have to also wonder how many other women patients my t has had feelings for in the past. Things that make you go hmm....

There are a lot of therapists out there who can't deal with transference because they haven't been trained in it, don't have enough experience to deal with it or let the countertransference get the best of them. That's why as a patient you have to be paying attention to what's going on. It's a difficult task to stay emotionally available for a client while maintaining strong boundaries and the necessary detachment to help them. Its much like walking a high wire. In too close, the patient is hurt, out too far, the patient is hurt or at least not helped.

Transference is a very powerful tool for healing in the hands of a therapist who can handle it but can be very painful and possibly re-traumatizing with a therapist who doesn't handle it well.

That's one of the reasons that a T will sometimes refer a case of transference such as happened to you Charlotte. If there is some reason they believe they won't handle it correctly, because of lack of experience or countertransference, then the responsible thing to do is find another T for their client so that they don't hurt them. It's the equilavent of having an issue come up, such as a drug addiction for instance, in which your T has NO experience. They might want to refer you to someone else because they would take better care of you.

In either case, the focus of the therpist should be on the client's well being. But they're human and I imagine being the focus of someone's transference can be pretty flattering, especially if you start to believe that its because of qualtities you possess rather than the result of their being in therapy and acting out their history.

One thing I really appreciated about my T when I told him how I felt was him joking around about all his "good looks and charm" in order to communicate that he really didn't think it was about him.

And SimplyMe I have to ask, if your T didn't terminate you as a patient, what reason did he give for telling you he was attracted to you? If he's going to continue as your therapist it seems he should have kept those feelings to himself. Did he explain why he told you?

AG

He told me because I asked and it has been fairly obvious for awhile that he had feelings for me and vice versa. I have to give him credit for not lying to me about his feelings. He could have continued to be my therapist, but what good would that have done me? He never told me that he was going to terminate me as a patient because I never gave him a chance to. I told him assertively that I was going to go to another therapist.

I wonder if the therapists that are psychologists have experience to deal with transference or countertransference. I will say that I don't believe that all attractions are due to either transference or countertransference.

Well Simplyme,
The main reason I chose to stay in his office was to be near him and see him. This is no way a ship in the night that will keep going to be remembered no more...you probably didn't know that I had been seeing him since April of this year, so there is definitly a bond between us. AG, The 2nd reason is that he wants to"Supervise" my progress from the sideline is the phrase he used. I will see the other T, but he will be keeping up with the sessions and making the suggestions for her to give me. Is that the plan of a man that isn't concerned? He offered to refer me to someone else a few blocks down the street, but the thought of not ever seeing him again was more than I could bear!
The 3rd reason is he is one of the best around here! He has several Dr. Degrees, and he stays booked all the time. My neurologist is good friends with him otherwise I would have been on a 3 month waiting list to see him, yes he is quite aware of the transference deal, and he even told me when I expressed my feelings for him that he had dealt with transference before...That's when I told him "I guess so because you are just to ---- sexy for your own good!"...not that he really would ever be on the cover of a magazine for a Mr. Ameica contest, but his gentle voice and abilities make him appear to be for me...anyway (Is it hot in here?) He told me would not terminate me as a patient unless his feelings towrds me changed or became a threat in keeping me safe, (and he told me he did not feel the same about me then) or I was not making progress in my therapy because of the feelings I had for him. I really don't believe 2 weeks later was enough time to see if I was making progress or not do you??
I know he was flattered when I told him 50 times how great of a Dr. he was and that he was the only one that could help me, (when I was begging him not to stop seeing him)...I had already told him that when I revealed my feelings earlier...I know he is doing the right thing for me and him...I really did understand the whole situation, but being "Dumped" I guess you could say after your husband has sorta "Dumped you 5 months earlier....And then he is the only one you have began to trust since then...it was devastating...I literally felt like just tearing his office all to pieces...but that would have only got me arrested probably ...I was terribly hurt beyond hurt..but I had to buckle up and say "Charlotte, you are a beautiful woman!, no wonder he couldn't help himself!" and try to move beyond what has happened, (even if that's not the reason) but it will in no way be easy or something I really want to do... but I do love my husband of 30 years, and I feel like he is in transference with something over me...I was in a wreck, I have extensive medical problems, and we both had to have surgery...yes that will make you drift apart and have a few problems...not to mention I believe he is going thru the midlife crisis...exercising, coloring his hair, etc...I guess the timing was right for both of us...but I pray everyday that we can get it together and have another 30...and the final reason I wanted to stay is so that he could see that I did want to get better and get myself together...get in shape and lose this milkshake belly he caused..(LOL)...Talk to you soon my friends...can you tell I have nervous energy?? I have rambled on too long...but I have enjoyed getting some of this out of my head...sorta writers therapy I guess...Thanks for listening!!
Charlotte

quote:

but I have decided that I will see the new T and I am going to Exercise, Tan, Tone and dress to kill!!!...I will show him...when we pass in the office..."AND WE WILL PASS IN THE OFFICE"!!!! if he did have any thoughts of transference with me....He will have a hard time dealing with this too!! ....I just feel mean today...

LOL! I can certainly understand why you feel this way. My experience with transference is that it is one of the strongest and most intense feelings/experiences one can ever imagine x 10. I can only imagine that having to terminate a realionship w/ T because of it would be the most heartbreaking experience ever x 100. So what I'm saying is that you do need to work through these feelings that your termination has triggered, and by the sound of your post Charlotte, I beleive you will and you will be just fine. And I hope that what you hear yourself saying is that you deserve better than how you initially perceived you were being treated! You go girl!

quote:

...But I need to do this for my self and as part of my healing...who knows...maybe my husband might notice me again!!!Charlotte

This is the truth behind the exterior, more painful and prominant feelings you describe above. It IS for you Charlotte. This is all for you! You'll work through all of these feelings and you will come off victorious. And don't you believe that is what your T really wants for you? I think so too.
JM

quote:

I have rambled on too long...but I have enjoyed getting some of this out of my head...sorta writers therapy I guess...Thanks for listening!!

I've described this forum like a talking journal. I find it very therapeutic sometimes. It is nice that your T will be supervising your progress under your new T. I think that speaks volumes to his care and concern for you Charlotte.

One more word about transference and it is strictly my opinion: But it seems that the intensity of emotions that come into play in its highly aroused state for a client experiencing it, can be very distracting to the real work at hand. If a client only focuses on the surface attraction to her T then she is missing the opportunity to work through the issues beneath the surface that trigger the transference in the first place. That s why it is necessary that a good T direct and guide a client to do that because we may be too inebriated w/ it ourselves, we are often filled with the compulsion to want to act out any given fantasies and feelings sparked by transference. (ie; rolling on the couch with them, meeting them after hours, so on and so forth whatever it may be). When a client begins to behave so erratically that the T can no longer control a situation in the clients best interest, or if his/her own issues or counter-transference get IN THE WAY then it is very responsible for them to terminate and refer to another T who may be better equipped to deal with the particular issues the client needs to work through. If a T fails to do that the transference no longer is a useful tool in therapy but a barrier to it, and becomes a tool to use in their own personal agenda.

“To whom much is given much is expected.”

Just my thoughts.

quote:

I wonder if the therapists that are psychologists have experience to deal with transference or countertransference.

Hi SimplyMe,

My T is not a “psychologist”, but a LMFT who also provides individual therapy and is adequately trained and experienced in dealing with transference. What separates a T from handling it properly whether experienced w/ it or not is the humility to accept whatever their own limitations might be and how their own issues come into play, and their willingness to seek supervision.

JM

quote:

My T did not terminate me as a patient - I decided that I needed to talk to someone else. I have to also wonder how many other women patients my t has had feelings for in the past. Things that make you go hmm....

SimplyMe,
I really applaud you for that. It would have been so easy to just throw caution to the wind. It is interesting that you wonder how many other women patients he may have had "feelings for." If that is true then it demonstrates that he has not worked out his own issues.

That brings me to comment on something else you said about "giving him credit for not lying to you." I suppose we should give credit where credit is due, but don't we all expect that our T's would not lie to us? The idea evades me as to why he allowed himself to experience these feelings for you 'over time' instead of taking the proactive approach himself as the professional. Let me say again that you at least handled that really well. Not to belittle the man in any way, mind you. I know very little and almost nothing about the whole of the circumstances and I am in no position to judge another, but I am commenting on only what you've slightly revealed.

JM