(((Jillian))),

I so completely understand where you are coming from. I remember when I first started seeing T and she was getting some family history, she asked me to give her three words to describe my Mom. I said "Unhealthy, Good person, co-dependent". She looked at me with a gentle smile and said "I want you to listen to how you just described your Mom...Bad trait, good trait, bad trait. She said I want you to know that I am already going to assume that your parents are generally good people. That they had their own issues from their childhood and their parents, ect, that contributed to what we are going to talk about here. You don't have to worry about, or work on, my perception of them as we share b/c I already know that we are only going to talk about the bad and ugly here. So you don't need to feel guilty about what you share.

I think Jillian, that you should talk to your T about how you feel. I think T's really get it, and it really helped when my T had this conversation with me.

Big Hugs to you Jillian,

This reminds me of the time I asked my T if she ever felt sorry for my mother.

"Sorry for her? Why would I feel that?!" T asked.

"Because I feel like all I ever do is come in here and trash talk her!" I said.

"Oh." she said, "But I'm USED to everyone coming in here and trash talking their parents!"

As others have said, T's already know and expect that you don't need to come into therapy to talk about how your mom made such wonderful macaroni salad or your dad drove you to school every day. You come in to talk about the bad and disturbing stuff. You're not their to represent their character in its totality, you're there to work out your issues about them, and most good T's will maintain their empathy for whatever happened on both sides.

(((hugs to all of you)))

Each of your stories resonates with me in some way. It's true there is good and bad in all of us, and our histories play a huge part in who we become and how we deal with life. I also feel the guilt when I focus on the bad, but then I look at the good and think how can I forget all the bad. I don't think we can ignore either side. I look at myself sometimes and I think honestly I'm not the best mother. Truth is I'm dealing with a lot of issues. What do I do, sit my kids down and explain to them all of my horrors, so that they can understand when I snap when my H gets drunk for example, or so that they can understand why I get irritable, depressed or triggered at times? I can't do that, so I try in the best way I know to protect them (and probably myself) from all of it, and somewhere in there I'm both good and bad, and all I can do is hope that I am more good than bad.

I do exactly what you all do. I go to therapy speak about the bad and then start to justify that I must also be partially to blame....maybe if I did or said this or that or whatever. The "maybe's" are always going to be there for me. Maybe I am just so used to blaming myself - moulded that way. I think for myself and probably some of you the voices of "if you didn't do this then that wouldn't have happened" "you brought this upon yourself" "you like this" ....................................+++ those type of words lend themselves to self blame. They encourage us to take some of the blame and attach it to ourselves. A person could go into so much more depth with that in terms of society and our culturally accepted norms etc. Then there is this conflict where some of the time you are enjoying yourselves, going on holiday, and sharing laughs, but there is also the times where there is violence and other things, and there is a dilemma in joining the two sides. You see you wouldn't bake a chocolate cake and join it to a savoury tart would you? Well I think it is the same with our memories, there is a different taste that each of them leave in our mouths. We need to know that they both exist, but we don't need to eat them together.

B2W

((jill))

I'm going through a big similar feeling of... why does my t just believe me. i've talked about it with her before... it's not really for a t to believe one thing or another but to believe your perceptions and experiences and help you through them. the word perceptions triggered me deeply when she said it, as if everything i thought or remembered WAS some fake claim. i also over compensate for the negative things I've said... or the way i've painted people. the 'bad' comes up because it is what is touching on our emotions, and what needs healing. and... both of my ts have told me they are not judging my parents, or whoever, they are focused on me.

thinking of you, hope you are doing okay this evening ((hug))

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